Strategies to help families of children with autism, ADHD, anxiety, and other challenges sidestep common sources of stress
Writer: Karen Cicero
Clinical Experts: Michelle Thirkield, PsyD , Nechama Sorscher, PhD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDmenwIA0K4
What You'll Learn
- How do I create routines for my child during the holidays?
- How can I prevent meltdowns for my child at holiday gatherings?
- How do I make holiday travel less stressful for my kid?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- Interrupted routines
- Anxiety around extended family and visitors
- Picky eaters
- Sensory issues
- Traveling with kids
- Giving gifts
From Thanksgiving to New Year’s, holiday excitement can be overwhelming for some children, especially those with autism, ADHD, sensory challenges, or anxiety. Here are some ways to make the season more enjoyable for everyone.
- If breaks in routines are a problem for your child, give them a few weeks’ warning before the start of school vacation. Sign kids up for camps or library story times and create a written or visual schedule for the break.
- It can help to host holiday events at home, where children feel more comfortable.
- Discuss expectations with kids about proper behavior at a party.
- For kids with social anxiety, give them time to adjust after you arrive at someone else’s house before they need to greet people.
- If large gatherings overwhelm your child, ask the host in advance for a quiet spot your kid can retreat to when needed.
- For picky eaters, bringing familiar foods to parties can ease mealtime stress.
- For kids with sensory issues, pick holiday clothes in soft fabrics and that don’t have tags.
- If you’re traveling, driving may be preferable to long car rides. It can be manageable with planned breaks and engaging activities.
- You might role-play opening gifts so kids can practice saying “thank you” even if it’s not what they hoped for.
- Guide relatives on appropriate presents — the more specific the better — focusing more on experiences than physical gifts.
From Thanksgiving to New Year’s, expectations run high for holiday celebrations and cherished family traditions. But all that excitement and the break from routines may overwhelm some children, including those who have sensory challenges, ADHD, anxiety, or autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Making celebrations kid-friendly can take some adjustments.
Chantelle French always imagined that when she had kids, she’d continue to sleep over at her parents’ house on Christmas Eve along with other relatives. But her daughter, Charli, who was diagnosed with autism at age 2, was so miserable spending the night away from home that French decided to rethink the tradition.
“I realized that we have a different kind of family, and we had to say ‘no’ to some things, even if it meant breaking tradition,” recalls French, who also has a 5-year-old daughter with ASD. “I cried a lot about it, but I think we’ve gotten used to having Christmas morning at home before heading to my parents’ house in the afternoon. My whole family has done a great job of adjusting to this.”
For parents of children with behavioral challenges, there’s another layer of holiday stress on top of the decorating, cooking, and shopping. “During this time, we hear more often from parents who are struggling with setting limits and seeing more behavioral difficulties,” says Michelle Thirkield, PsyD, a psychologist in the Anxiety Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute.
According to Dr. Thirkield, the “most wonderful time of the year” unsettles children for a variety of reasons. Large gatherings tend to overwhelm those with autism and social anxiety. Bright lights, dressy clothes, and loud music can feel intolerable for children with sensory processing issues. And a long winter recess from school upsets students who crave routine and structure. Add to that uncommon foods (hello, noodle kugel) from cooks who don’t take “no thanks” for an answer, and it’s a recipe for a meltdown.
For each of these stressful holiday situations and others, experts and experienced parents provide their favorite tips. Even though the seasonal festivities with kids who have challenges may look different than the glamorized versions on your Instagram feed, they can be every bit as joyful.
Interrupted routines
My child lives for their routine, but we’ve got a two-week winter break coming up. How are we going to survive?
Plan in advance. “Think about how you can add a sense of structure to the break,” Dr. Thirkield says. “For instance, you could research what day camp programs are offered in your area during holiday break and sign up for one that works for your schedule and interests.” Local aquariums, science centers, gymnastic centers, youth theaters, and children’s museums may offer an interest-specific day-camp options, while those at the neighborhood YMCA or JCC tend to keep kids busy all day long with a variety of activities ranging from sports to crafts. If you don’t want a full-day program, you could look into story time at the library or a drop-in program at a museum where you have a family membership (some libraries also have museum passes you can borrow). “Going to the playground or taking a walk around at a certain time every day also helps fulfill the desire for structure,” Dr. Thirkield says.
Give a heads-up. Don’t wait until the first day of break to tell your child that school will be closed for the next two weeks. And you definitely don’t want them hearing it for the first time at school when their teachers say, “See you next year!” Around the second week of December, explain when and why school is closed in a way that is most developmentally appropriate to your child — and some of your holiday stress may be prevented.
Create a written or visual schedule for break. “Share it with your child multiple times,” suggests Nechama Sorscher, PhD, author of the forthcomingYour Neurodiverse Child: How to Help Kids with Learning, Attention, and Neurocognitive Challenges Thrive. “You want to be sure they understand and are prepared for any plan you might have made.” While some kids may enjoy surprises (“Guess what, we’re seeing the lights at the zoo tonight!”), those with autism can react poorly when activities are sprung on them. “As a constant reminder of what’s coming up, we post the schedule on the fridge so our kids can refer to it anytime,” says Alicia Trautwein, director of the blog The Mom Kind and mom of four children, ages 10 to 22, with various challenges.
Stick with school bedtimes as much as possible. Eventually, break is going to be over, and it will be more difficult to get back in the groove if the kids have been consistently going to bed several hours later than usual, says Dr. Thirkield. Of course, there can be one-time exceptions, like staying up until midnight on New Year’s Eve.
Anxiety around extended family and visitors
I’m worried that my child is going to have a meltdown during a holiday gathering at a relative’s house — it’s happened before, and I felt judged.
Give your kids home field advantage. After some trial and error (with the emphasis on error), Trautwein discovered that it was easier to host Thanksgiving than travel for it. “Sure it was literally two days of nonstop cooking, but I knew I’d have what the kids would eat and they’d have safe spaces in the house to hang out at when they felt overwhelmed.” To trim prep time, assign guests a dish to bring or order some premade sides from a supermarket or restaurant.
Plan ahead. Shannon Rosa, who has two children with ADHD and one with autism, hosts Thanksgiving and Christmas, but she also finds a way to visit friends and family for more casual post-Christmas festivities. Planning ahead has saved the day on more than one occasion, she says “Tell the host ahead of time — even when you’re accepting the invitation — that your kids get easily overwhelmed and burned out, and ask where in their house can they retreat to if they’re feeling that way,” Rosa says. Then, of course, alert the kids to where the safe spot is.
Time it right. Don’t arrive at a gathering immediately after a long car ride. Instead, research a nearby park where kids can stretch their legs for 30 minutes or so, and then make your entrance when the kids are more refreshed.
Discuss expectations with your kids. Whether you’re having company or visiting, tell your kids what you expect from them based on their capabilities. “You might tell an older child, for instance, that you’d like them to visit with guests for 30 minutes and then they can feel free to do their own thing,” says Dr. Thirkield. If some kids can only muster, a “hi” and “bye,” that’s OK, too.
Give time to warm up. Especially if children with social anxiety aren’t on their own turf, allow them to settle in — and hang onto their toy or tablet — before they’re thrust into greetings from relatives that they haven’t seen in a year. Also, don’t require your child to hug relatives if they don’t feel comfortable doing so. A high five, fist bump, or wave acknowledges the family member, too.
Build in time between visits. If one day is very active with lots of company or visiting, make sure the next day is restful and quiet, especially for kids with autism. “Their brains can get overwhelmed and cause autistic burnout, when they withdraw completely,” says Dr. Sorscher.
Picky eaters
Food is the love language in my family — and my child is very sensitive to textures and has a limited diet.
Loop in family members. “Tell the host and some guests in advance that your child has eating challenges, and you’re working on them,” says Dr. Thirkield. “Doing so will hopefully make them supporters and reduce the likelihood of insensitive, hurtful comments.” French warns that children, including nonverbal ones, are aware when relatives are talking about them, so shut down any conversation at the get-together about your child’s eating habits.
Bring your child’s food. A gracious host may offer to make something special for your picky eater (“No problem, I could bake a mac ‘n cheese!”), but feel free to turn down the offer if it won’t work (“Thank you! But he really only likes a certain brand, so if we could just use the microwave to heat up a dish I bring, I’d appreciate it!”) A bento-type box filled with finger foods — like crackers, cheese cubes, and grapes — work particularly well to bring to a guest’s house. If you live nearby, feeding picky eaters at home first is another kid-friendly holiday strategy. Consider it a win (and praise them) if they nibble on anything else, even if they didn’t like it. (“I’m proud that you tasted your aunt’s pumpkin bread, even though you didn’t like it this time.”)
Give kids a comfortable space. Being squished at a noisy Thanksgiving table makes some kids with challenges too uncomfortable to eat or engage in any way. Set up a kids’ table with fidget toys and favors. You could also consider bringing your child’s favorite plate and cup.
Sensory issues
I see kids dressed up in their matching holiday clothes, and I wish that could be us. My kids would never wear anything like that!
Choose a color scheme. “We did matching clothes for three years, and when that wasn’t working, we shifted to a red-and-green theme. It still looked festive, but each of the kids could select what was comfortable for them,” says Trautwein. If you celebrate Hanukkah, consider a combination of blue, white, and silver.
Focus on soft fabrics and tagless items. “That’s pretty much all my kids wear,” says French, who started her business Forever French Baby by making kids’ pajamas out of soft bamboo and Spandex when her daughter wouldn’t tolerate wearing any clothes.
Give kids a say. If your child is old enough, show them a few outfits online and ask them for their preference. Dr. Thirkield adds, “Finding the middle path in a way, with something that’s holiday-esque and that kids helped us pick out, is a great solution.”
Add a soft layer. For dress clothes that kids do like but aren’t the softest, add a T-shirt underlayer. “That’s been how we’ve been able to do costumes,” French adds. But try to avoid clothes that may make kids feel hot, which may further aggravate kids with sensory challenges and cause holiday stress. For instance, be satisfied if your child will wear a cute dress — and don’t push it by attempting the fancy coat. Leggings under a dress are a more comfortable alternative to tights or bare legs are fine in warmer climates. For boys, a bow tie may cause less sensory issues than a necktie.
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Traveling with kids
Most of our family and friends live out of town, so we’re going to be traveling a bunch this year. I’m worried it’s going to be a nightmare.
Drive when you can. For kids with challenges, particularly autism and sensory sensitivities, a 10-hour drive is usually better than a 90-minute plane ride — especially if the drive is broken up into two days, says Dr. Sorscher. “Kids with autism typically do surprisingly well in the car because they don’t mind boring, repetitive tasks,” she says. “Planes are more challenging because there’s a lot of waiting, transitioning, and unfamiliar noises.” If you do need to fly, look at these tips to make the airport a smoother experience.
Look for bonding moments. If you’re driving together for a long period, use it as an opportunity to create traditions, suggests Dr. Thirkield. Mutually agree on a car game to play before you leave. For instance, you could create a visual scavenger hunt game card (or find a printable online) with items like an inflatable snowman, bakery, car with antlers, and other holiday-themed objects you might encounter on the road.
Pack distractions and favorite snacks. “For each child, we would pack crayons, coloring books, mini action figures or dolls, and other small fun toys in a bucket that they could easily reach,” says Trautwein. It’s also fine to relax screen-time rules for these special occasions, assures Dr. Thirkield. While some kids may be happiest watching their favorite movie over and over, you can download something new for them to enjoy.
Extend bathroom breaks. Allow kids to run around a safe grassy area at rest stops to blow off some steam before the next leg of the journey.
Giving gifts
My child never has that jumping for joy, viral video reaction to gifts. Sometimes they don’t even care to open them, other times they’ll tell the gift giver it’s not what they wanted or liked.
Role-play opening presents. For kids who are into gifts, role-play saying “thank you” to the gift giver, even if it’s not what they hoped for. Tell your child that if they receive something that they don’t want, they can discuss with you privately at home.
Guide relatives to preferences. Telling grandparents to buy “something soccer-related” isn’t enough to go on. Parents reported that relatives appreciated a specific link to an item that your child may have seen at the store or in a catalog rather than general preferences.
Prioritize experiences over gifts. Especially when kids are young, tell relatives that a family membership to the local children’s museum, tickets to a sensory-friendly event, or another experience would be greatly preferred over a wrapped gift that your child may show no interest in opening. “My kids didn’t open a single holiday gift for years,” says French. “But it gets better with each passing year, and you start your own traditions. At some point, you don’t even wish it were different anymore.”
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