What are the signs of bullying? When does the teasing become torment?
Writer: Jamie Howard, PhD
Clinical Expert: Jamie Howard, PhD
What You'll Learn
- What’s the difference between teasing and bullying?
- What questions should I ask my child if they say they’re being bullied?
- What should I do if I think my child is being bullied?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- When does teasing or harrassment become bullying?
- Before giving bullying advice, collect the facts
- Strategies on how to handle bullying
Kids can be really mean to each other. Even best friends are mean to each other sometimes. When a kid is teased or left out or someone is mean to them, it doesn’t always mean they’re being bullied.
So how do you know if your kid is being bullied? Bullies target kids who are smaller or younger or less popular. They hurt other kids physically or emotionally on purpose. They do it over and over and sometimes they get other kids to join in the bullying. Bullying can make kids feel anxious and depressed. It needs to be taken seriously.
If your kid tells you they’re being bullied, it’s important to let your child know you’ll help solve the problem. First, get the facts. Try acting like a reporter. You can ask questions like, “Were lots of kids around when they said that to you?” “Are they a really popular kid?” “What were the other kids doing?” This will give you a better idea of what happened. And if it happens two or three times you might need to get involved. This could mean contacting a teacher or the school principal. But try to get your kid’s permission before you do that. If they’re really against it, you can hold off but let them know it’s an option if things get worse.
Talking about bullying before it happens can prepare your child. You can practice having your child say things like, “Hey, don’t talk to me that way,” and other things that make them feel like they have some power. You can suggest that your child talk to their friends and ask them how they’ve handled bullies. Friends can also agree to stand up for each other. Bullies hate that!
We are all aware that being bullied as a child is not a trivial thing. It not only causes acute suffering, it has been linked to long-term emotional problems, and children who lack strong parental support seem to encounter the most lasting damage.
But we also know that it’s part of growing up to have painful or embarrassing social experiences, and that learning to rebound from these interactions is an important skill for kids to learn.
If our kids complain about bullying, we want to take their complaints very seriously, give them the support and tools to handle it, and intervene on their behalf when needed. But we don’t want to teach them that every negative experience with their peers is a form of bullying.
Kids I’m working with will say, “I was being bullied.” And when they describe what happened, sometimes it was really just teasing. Maybe someone was giving them a hard time and it was difficult to deal with. But not every incident of meanness, rejection or hostility is bullying.
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When does teasing or harrassment become bullying?
- When there’s a power difference: Bullying is done by someone in a position of power — it might be in the form of physical strength, or popularity — and it is directed at someone who is perceived as less powerful.
- When there’s intention to cause harm. Bullying can take the form of a physical or verbal attack, making threats, spreading rumors, or excluding someone from a group on purpose. It’s not inadvertent.
- When it’s repeated: Bullying behavior is an ongoing pattern of hostile or abusive actions directed at the child who is the target.
- When it does cause harm: Behavior becomes bullying when it impairs the well-being or functioning of the child who’s targeted.
If your child reports to you that they have been bullied, my advice is to take it very seriously, because, if nothing else, it really hurt their feelings and they’re struggling with it. You want to listen and express empathy without treating them as if they’re fragile. You want to model a confident we-can-solve-this-problem attitude.
What you don’t want to do is express shock and anger and vow immediately to go to the school, or talk to the bully’s parents. Tempering your response encourages your child to open up.
Before giving bullying advice, collect the facts
Your first job is to try to get a detailed picture of what happened. It’s hard when you’re a parent because your stomach flips, your protective impulses kick in, and you just want to punish the kid who hurt your child’s feelings. But it’s more effective to be like a reporter: “Okay, who was there? What was going on? What was said, exactly? What did you do? How did you feel?”
You’re gathering all the data, the evidence of what happened. The details are important, not for the purpose of invalidating your child’s feelings or minimizing what happened — “Well, that doesn’t sound like it was really that bad” — but just so that you can tailor your strategies better.
Part of the goal of asking questions is to get a sense of the social hierarchy.
You might say, “Was it a big group of kids? Were lots of kids surrounding him when he said that to you? Is he a really popular kid? What were the other kids doing?” And it also gives you a sense of how embarrassing it might have been.
Strategies on how to handle bullying
Once you’ve asked your child exactly what happened, here’s some bullying advice to consider:
- Practice assertiveness. That means showing confidence both verbally and nonverbally. Suggest that your child try standing tall and saying, “Don’t talk to me like that!” It can help to script some things your child could say and role-play — you do it first, and then let your child try it out.
- Find allies. Suggest that your child talk to their friends about ways they might handle it and ways they’ve handled stuff that’s similar. Their friends may have some good ideas, and it will make them feel less isolated.
- Get involved. Activities that your child is good at, that they enjoy, are very protective. Because if they’re doing something they enjoy, and they’re thriving, they’re not going to care as much. The confidence they feel when they’re in their element will carry over to environments in which they’re less secure.
- Enlist adults. If your child needs an adult advocate, consider contacting a teacher or school administrator. First, try to get your child’s permission, telling them, “I really want to call the teacher and ask him to keep an eye on it.” If they’re adamantly against it, I would keep the option open, saying, “I’m not going to now, and I will tell you before I do.” So there’s some perception of control. But you’re also teaching them a lesson: “Listen, yes it might be embarrassing, but you need to stand up for yourself. And self-advocacy is more important.”
- Monitor incidents. One incident isn’t necessarily bullying, but you want to notice if it’s becoming a pattern. Tell your child to let you know if it happens again. You might say, “I want to stay on top of this and make sure we solve it.”
- Be prepared. It’s important to talk about bullying even if it hasn’t happened, so that if it does your child is better equipped to recognize it and more comfortable telling you about it.
- Form a partnership with the teacher. Let your child’s teacher know that you hope they’ll touch base with you whenever there’s something concerning, and that you hope they don’t mind if you do the same.
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