Techniques for helping kids regulate their emotions and avoid explosive behavior

Writer: Caroline Miller

Clinical Experts: Lindsey Giller, PsyD , Stephanie Samar, PsyD , Alana Cooperman, LCSW

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbtPS421MCg&t=8s

What You'll Learn

- How can parents help kids calm down?

- How can kids learn to understand their feelings better?

- How can you make it easier for kids to behave?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- What is dysregulation?

- Rethinking emotions

- Model managing difficult feelings

- Validate your child’s feelings

- Active ignoring

- Positive attention

- Clear expectations

- Give options

- Coping ahead

- Problem solving

- Five special minutes a day

Some kids have big emotions that they can’t control, so they have tantrums and outbursts. This is called emotional dysregulation. The good news is that there are lots of calming techniques that parents can teach kids.  

An important first step is teaching kids to notice their emotions and name them. If they can say to themselves, “I’m feeling angry,” they’ll be more able to get control over that feeling before they hit someone or have a meltdown. It’s important for kids to know that big feelings are normal and validate how hard they can be. 

If a child’s misbehavior is minor, ignoring it often works best. The flip side of this is to give the child a lot of praise when they do a good job controlling their feelings, even something small like taking a deep breath.  

Often, moving from one activity to another is especially hard for kids. Try giving a warning: “In 15 minutes we’re going to sit down to dinner so you’ll have to stop playing.” Giving a child choices can help, too: “You can come to the grocery store with me or stay home with Mom.” 

You can also try making plans together to handle upsetting situations. For example, if your child often gets mad at the stricter rules at their grandparents’ house, you can talk before a visit about how they can handle those tough feelings. If your child does have a tantrum, talk with them later about what happened and what could have made it better.  

Finally, pick some time every day for your kid to choose an activity to do together. Knowing that they’ll have that time can reduce the stress they feel during the rest of the day. Consistent special time with you also reminds kids that you love them no matter what, even on hard days. 

Many children have difficulty regulating their emotions. Tantrums, outbursts, whining, defiance, fighting:  these are all behaviors you see when kids experience powerful feelings they can’t control. While some kids have learned to act out because it gets them what they want — attention or time on the iPad — other kids have trouble staying calm because they are unusually sensitive.

The good news is that learning to calm down instead of acting out is a skill that can be taught.

What is dysregulation?

“Some children’s reactions are just bigger than their peers or their siblings or their cousins,” explains Lindsey Giller, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “Not only do they feel things more intensely and quickly, they’re often slower to return to being calm.” Unusually intense feelings can also make a child more prone to impulsive behaviors.

When kids are overwhelmed by feelings, adds Dr. Giller, the emotional side of the brain isn’t communicating with the rational side, which normally regulates emotions and plans the best way to deal with a situation. Experts call it being “dysregulated.” It’s not effective to try to reason with a child who’s dysregulated. To discuss what happened, you need to wait until a child’s rational faculties are back “online.”

Rethinking emotions

Parents can start by helping children understand how their emotions work. Kids don’t go from calm to sobbing on the floor in an instant. That emotion built over time, like a wave. Kids can learn control by noticing and labeling their feelings earlier, before the wave gets too big to handle.

Some kids are hesitant to acknowledge negative emotions. “A lot of kids are growing up thinking anxiety, anger, sadness are bad emotions,” says Stephanie Samar, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. But naming and accepting these emotions is “a foundation to problem-solving how to manage them.”

Parents may also minimize negative feelings, notes Dr. Samar, because they want their kids to be happy.  But children need to learn that we all have a range of feelings. “You don’t want to create a dynamic that only happy is good,” she says.

Model managing difficult feelings

“For younger children, describing your own feelings and modeling how you manage them is useful,” notes Dr. Samar. “They hear you strategizing about your own feelings, when you’re nervous or frustrated, and how you’re going to handle it, and they can use these words.”

For kids who feel like big emotions sneak up on them, you can help them practice recognizing their emotions, and model doing that yourself. Try ranking the intensity of your emotions from 1-10, with 1 being pretty calm and 10 being furious. If you forget something that you meant to bring to Grandma’s, you could acknowledge that you are feeling frustrated and say that you’re at a 4. It might feel a little silly at first, but it teaches kids to pause and notice what they are feeling.

If you see them starting to get upset about something, ask them what they are feeling, and how upset they are. Are they at a 6? For some younger kids, a visual aid like a feelings thermometer might help.

Validate your child’s feelings

Validation is a powerful tool for helping kids calm down by communicating that you understand and accept what they’re feeling. “Validation is showing acceptance, which is not the same thing as agreement,” Dr. Giller explains. “It’s nonjudgmental. And it’s not trying to change or fix anything.” Feeling understood, she explains, helps kids let go of powerful feelings.

Effective validation means paying undivided attention to your child. “You want to be fully attuned so you can notice their body language and facial expressions and really try to understand their perspective,” says Dr. Samar. “It can help to reflect back and ask, ‘Am I getting it right?’ Or if you’re truly not getting it, it’s okay to say, ‘I’m trying to understand.’ ”

Helping kids by showing them that you’re listening and trying to understand their experience can help avoid explosive behavior when a child is building towards a tantrum.

Active ignoring

Validating feelings doesn’t mean giving attention to bad behavior. Ignoring behaviors like whining, arguing, inappropriate language or outbursts is a way to reduce the chances of these behaviors being repeated. It’s called “active” because it’s withdrawing attention conspicuously.

“You’re turning your face, and sometimes body, away or leaving the room when your child is engaging in minor misbehaviors in order to withdraw your attention,” Dr. Giller explains. “But the key to its effectiveness is, as soon as your child is doing something you can praise, to turn your attention back on.”

Positive attention

The most powerful tool parents have in influencing behavior is attention. As Dr. Giller puts it, “It’s like candy for your kids.” Positive attention will increase the behaviors you are focusing on.

When you’re shaping a new behavior, you want to praise it and give a lot of attention to it. “So really, really focus in on it,” adds Dr. Giller. “Be sincere, enthusiastic and genuine. And you want it to be very specific, to make sure your child understands what you are praising.”

When helping your child deal with an emotion, notice the efforts to calm down, however small.  For example, if your child is in the midst of a tantrum and you see them take a deep inhale of air, you can say, “I like that you took a deep breath” and join them in taking additional deep breathes.

Clear expectations

Another key way to help prevent kids from getting dysregulated is to make your expectations clear and follow consistent routines. “It’s important to keep those expectations very clear and short,” notes Dr. Samar, and convey rules and expected behaviors when everyone is calm. Dependable structure helps kids feel in control.

When change is unavoidable, it’s good to give advance warning. Transitions are particularly tough for kids who have trouble with big emotions, especially when it means stopping an activity they’re very engaged in. Providing a warning before a transition happens can help kids feel more prepared. “In 15 minutes, we’re going to sit down at the table for dinner, so you’re going to need to shut off your PS4 at that time,” Dr. Giller suggests. “It may still be hard for them to comply, but knowing it’s coming helps kids feel more in control and stay calmer,” she explains.

Give options

When kids are asked to do things they’re not likely to feel enthusiastic about, giving them options may reduce outbursts and increase compliance. For instance: “You can either come with me to food shopping or you can go with Dad to pick up your sister.”  Or: “You can get ready for bed now and we can read a story together — or you can get ready for bed in 10 minutes and no story.”

“Giving two options reduces the negotiating that can lead to tension,” Dr. Samar suggests.

Coping ahead

Coping ahead is planning in advance for something that you predict may be an emotionally challenging situation for your child, or for both of you. It means talking, when you are both calm, about what’s coming, being direct about what negative emotions can arise, and strategizing how you will get through it.

If a child was upset last time they were at Grandma’s house because they weren’t allowed to do something they get to do at home, coping ahead for the next visit would be acknowledging that you saw that they were frustrated and angry, and discussing how they can handle those feelings. Together you might come up with something they are allowed to do at Grandma’s that they can have fun doing.

Talking about stressful situations in advance helps avoid meltdowns. “If you set up a plan in advance, it increases the likelihood that you’ll end up in a positive situation,” Dr. Samar notes.

Problem solving

If a child has a tantrum, parents are often hesitant to bring it up later, Dr. Samar notes. “It’s natural to want to put that behind us. But it’s good to revisit briefly, in a non-judgmental way.”

Revisiting an earlier event — say a meltdown at the toy store — engages the child in thinking about what happened, and to strategize about what could have been done differently. If you can come up with one or two things that might have led to a different outcome, your child might remember them next time they’re starting to feel overwhelmed.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Five special minutes a day

Even a small amount of time set aside reliably, every day, for a parent to do something chosen by a child can help that child manage stress at other points in the day. It’s a time for positive connection, without parental commands, ignoring any minor misbehavior, just attending to your child and letting them be in charge.

It can help a child who’s having a tough time in school, for instance, to know they can look forward to that special time. “This five minutes of parental attention should not be contingent on good behavior,” says Dr. Samar. “It’s a time, no matter what happened that day, to reinforce that ‘I love you no matter what.’ ”

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you help an angry child calm down?

You can help an angry child calm down by validating their feelings and listening actively to understand what’s upsetting them. Your attention is your most powerful tool, so it helps to give your child lots of positive attention as soon as they do something to calm down: “I like that you took a deep breath!” https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=14507

In Moments Of Doubt https://youtube.com/shorts/raSBEwnH7Ds?feature=share

James Donaldson on Mental Health - When Siblings Won't Stop Fighting

How parents can keep the peace and help kids learn to resolve conflicts

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Writer: Katherine Martinelli

Clinical Expert: Stephanie A. Lee, PsyD

What You'll Learn

- Why do siblings fight?
- What are some ways that parents can keep the peace between their children?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- Get at the root of the conflict
- Praise the positive
- Make a plan
- Tootle, don’t tattle
- If you take something away, give it back
- Forget fair
- Special needs

Even siblings who are best friends fight sometimes. It’s normal for siblings to annoy each other, and resolving conflict helps them practice important social skills. But if your children are constantly fighting, there are ways you can help keep the peace.

Start by looking for patterns in your children’s conflicts. Maybe they always fight over toys, but the fights tend to happen when they’re looking for attention. Figuring out the root cause helps you get ahead of conflict.

Then, you can lay the groundwork for more positive behavior. Let them know that while you know they can solve small disagreements alone, you’re always there for bigger issues. Coach kids on how to respond when conflict starts: “If she hits you, please don’t hit her back. Instead, come tell me right away.” Setting rules ahead of time helps too. Maybe your kids can trade off who rides in the front seat, or agree to swap a favorite toy after a timer set for 15 minutes goes off.

Praise is also important for siblings. When you see your kids playing together cooperatively, or calmly following the rules they agreed to, praise them for it. You can also encourage them to report the kind things that their siblings do, like sharing a new toy.

Lastly, help kids let go of the notion of fairness. Life throws curveballs and sometimes it just isn’t fair. For example, older kids may get to stay up later than younger ones. Tell a story about a time that things weren’t fair for you and how you handled it.

When a sibling has special needs, it can be especially difficult for their siblings. But the same rules can still help. And you can also support each sibling by making sure they get plenty of attention and one-on-one time with you — which is often what they’re really trying to get when they fight.

Anyone with more than one child knows that even siblings who are the best of friends can still get on each other’s nerves. And it’s certainly understandable — they’re forced to live under the same roof and spend much of their free time together. Inevitably, they are competing for limited attention and resources. Who wouldn’t get irritated in that situation, at least once in a while?

But what’s a parent to do when things escalate and it seems like the kids are fighting constantly? It can make the home feel like a battlefield, and the adults more like peace negotiators than parents. Fortunately, Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, says there is a bright side. While sibling squabbles can certainly be stressful, “having siblings gives kids good practice for social skills that they need in the real world. If parents see these things as opportunities to teach, that can be really positive,” says Dr. Lee. Learning to healthily navigate conflicts with siblings can teach kids about things like taking turns, sharing, body autonomy, when to turn to an adult, and using words rather than physical force to solve a problem.

Here are some things parents can do to help keep the peace in the home.

Get at the root of the conflict

So often parents end up playing referee, breaking up fights and calling fouls as they happen — over and over and over again. But to truly break the cycle, it’s crucial to take a step back and try to get at what the root cause of the conflict might be so you can address that instead. For example, if it seems like your kids are always fighting over toys, try to look for a pattern. When does it happen?

Dr. Lee points out that frequently siblings will start fighting over a toy seemingly out of nowhere, after a brief period of peace. “What the kids might really be fighting for is their parents’ attention after they’ve played nicely for a long period of time,” says Dr. Lee. “Kids aren’t really so concerned about the toy, it’s more that they’ve figured out these patterns of behavior that when I yell, when I kick, someone gets involved immediately.”

Praise the positive

Laying some positive groundwork may help reduce these negative behaviors. This can be done by shifting the focus to recognize cooperative behavior as it’s happening. “Stop and praise your kids right then for playing collaboratively,” suggests Dr. Lee. “Get involved proactively to say, ‘I see you guys sharing that toy,’ or, ‘Wow, great job taking turns,’ or, ‘Wow, I love how you guys are playing together.’” Letting them drink up that positive attention may help to reduce their need for negative attention later.

“For every time you catch them fighting, you want to catch them playing nicely together three to five more times,” notes Dr. Lee. “We want to encourage that in order to really change their behavior.”

Make a plan

Of course, even with all the positive reinforcement in the world, siblings will still fight. Another thing that parents can do ahead of time is to coach the kids — often the older sibling, in particular — on how to respond in a productive way rather than escalating a conflict. For example, you might let your child know that if their sibling hits them or snatches a toy they should come and calmly let you know rather than retaliating. Or if a younger sibling is always knocking down structures, for example, the parent can coach the older sibling to go in a separate room to build, or to build structures specifically for the other to destruct.

Also, parents can make clear that there’s a difference between running to a parent every time there’s the slightest disagreement and seeking help to resolve an issue. And, of course, they should alert an adult if a sibling gets violent.

If there’s a constant source of conflict, making a plan can help ease the tension. Dr. Lee works with a set of older siblings, for example, who always fought over who could sit in the front passenger seat of the car. So they made a plan that both kids agreed on: one sibling got to sit in the front seat on even days and the other kid got odd days, and that was that. They knew what to expect and had a predictable solution that remedied the conflict.

Setting a timer for taking turns with a coveted object is another great, actionable tactic. And it’s important to be clear on what items should be shared and what can be reserved. Is a brand new toy off-limits? Certain special items? Parents can give kids each three stickers, for example, to put on three special things that are off-limits, which can be switched as their moods and likes change.

The important thing is to be clear and consistent, and to set up predictable outcomes — all while praising them any time they do a great job with it. “The more proactive you can be the better off you’re going to be in terms of setting the stage for success,” advises Dr. Lee.

Tootle, don’t tattle

Another way to create a more positive social dynamic is to celebrate tootling rather than tattling. Tootling, as Dr. Lee describes, is calling someone out for positive behavior. So for example, encourage your kids to come and tell you when their sibling shares a toy or demonstrates kindness, then make a big deal out of the positive actions of both children. Depending on your family culture you may want to start a penny jar that gets them pizza night when it’s full, or have some other means of documenting all the good deeds.

If you take something away, give it back

Even with all this in place, there are going to be times when the kids are playing tug of war with a toy and it feels like the only way to intervene is to remove the source of conflict. Dr. Lee says that it’s totally fine to do that, but to make sure you give the toy back to them within a few minutes and give them a chance to practice using it appropriately — otherwise they aren’t really learning how to work collaboratively. This may mean getting them to agree to taking turns with the help of a timer then praising them when they do a good job.

Forget fair

“That’s not fair!” is a common cry of children of all ages, and it’s easy for parents to get caught up in making sure that everything is on even footing between siblings. But as Dr. Lee points out, life isn’t fair and it’s not realistic that every single thing in the home be equal at all times. The older kid may get to stay up later, and while the younger kid may feel that this is a great injustice, “it’s up to the culture of your family and what you’re comfortable with,” she says.

If there’s discontent over something like this, parents can explain the logic behind the “unfair” exception, but “we don’t need to give explanations for everything,” says Dr. Lee. “If that’s the rule, that’s the rule.”

Parents can model dealing with unfairness by sharing stories with their kids about things that seemed unfair to them and how they dealt with it. For example, someone at work gets more vacation days because they’ve been at the organization longer. That can feel unfair, but they can understand why it works that way.

But generally, Dr. Lee says, “I find with kids they actually end up saying ‘that’s not fair’ not so much because they’re so concerned about fairness, but actually because that’s what gets their parents to attend to them.”

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Special needs

And what about when one has emotional ordevelopmental challenges that may demand extra attention or accommodations? Dr. Lee says to approach this situation similarly: with forethought, planning, and lots of positive praise.

Talking openly about the issues their brother or sister may have is important for siblings, as well as listening carefully to their concerns and feelings. Behavior that’s difficult or disturbing is less upsetting — and less likely to incur retaliation by the sibling — when it’s understood that it’s not willful.

Being generous with support and encouragement can also help keep a sibling from acting out to get attention. If one kid needs a behavior sticker chart, for example, offer one to the other kid as well. Also setting aside special one-on-one time with each sibling when possible — even just a monthly breakfast date or five-minute game of tic-tac-toe — can go a long way towards making everyone feel important.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do siblings fight?

How do you get siblings to stop fighting all the time?

To get siblings to stop fighting all the time, parents can first try to get to the root cause of the conflict. For example, if kids are fighting over a toy, you could make a schedule for sharing it. Parents can also praise their kids when they’re cooperating together and coach them on how to resolve disagreements in a more productive way.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-when-siblings-wont-stop-fighting/

How parents can keep the peace and help kids learn to resolve conflicts

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Writer: Katherine Martinelli

Clinical Expert: Stephanie A. Lee, PsyD

What You'll Learn

- Why do siblings fight?

- What are some ways that parents can keep the peace between their children?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Get at the root of the conflict

- Praise the positive

- Make a plan

- Tootle, don’t tattle

- If you take something away, give it back

- Forget fair

- Special needs

Even siblings who are best friends fight sometimes. It’s normal for siblings to annoy each other, and resolving conflict helps them practice important social skills. But if your children are constantly fighting, there are ways you can help keep the peace.

Start by looking for patterns in your children’s conflicts. Maybe they always fight over toys, but the fights tend to happen when they’re looking for attention. Figuring out the root cause helps you get ahead of conflict.

Then, you can lay the groundwork for more positive behavior. Let them know that while you know they can solve small disagreements alone, you’re always there for bigger issues. Coach kids on how to respond when conflict starts: “If she hits you, please don’t hit her back. Instead, come tell me right away.” Setting rules ahead of time helps too. Maybe your kids can trade off who rides in the front seat, or agree to swap a favorite toy after a timer set for 15 minutes goes off.

Praise is also important for siblings. When you see your kids playing together cooperatively, or calmly following the rules they agreed to, praise them for it. You can also encourage them to report the kind things that their siblings do, like sharing a new toy.

Lastly, help kids let go of the notion of fairness. Life throws curveballs and sometimes it just isn’t fair. For example, older kids may get to stay up later than younger ones. Tell a story about a time that things weren’t fair for you and how you handled it.

When a sibling has special needs, it can be especially difficult for their siblings. But the same rules can still help. And you can also support each sibling by making sure they get plenty of attention and one-on-one time with you — which is often what they’re really trying to get when they fight.

Anyone with more than one child knows that even siblings who are the best of friends can still get on each other’s nerves. And it’s certainly understandable — they’re forced to live under the same roof and spend much of their free time together. Inevitably, they are competing for limited attention and resources. Who wouldn’t get irritated in that situation, at least once in a while?

But what’s a parent to do when things escalate and it seems like the kids are fighting constantly? It can make the home feel like a battlefield, and the adults more like peace negotiators than parents. Fortunately, Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, says there is a bright side. While sibling squabbles can certainly be stressful, “having siblings gives kids good practice for social skills that they need in the real world. If parents see these things as opportunities to teach, that can be really positive,” says Dr. Lee. Learning to healthily navigate conflicts with siblings can teach kids about things like taking turns, sharing, body autonomy, when to turn to an adult, and using words rather than physical force to solve a problem.

Here are some things parents can do to help keep the peace in the home.

Get at the root of the conflict

So often parents end up playing referee, breaking up fights and calling fouls as they happen — over and over and over again. But to truly break the cycle, it’s crucial to take a step back and try to get at what the root cause of the conflict might be so you can address that instead. For example, if it seems like your kids are always fighting over toys, try to look for a pattern. When does it happen?

Dr. Lee points out that frequently siblings will start fighting over a toy seemingly out of nowhere, after a brief period of peace. “What the kids might really be fighting for is their parents’ attention after they’ve played nicely for a long period of time,” says Dr. Lee. “Kids aren’t really so concerned about the toy, it’s more that they’ve figured out these patterns of behavior that when I yell, when I kick, someone gets involved immediately.”

Praise the positive

Laying some positive groundwork may help reduce these negative behaviors. This can be done by shifting the focus to recognize cooperative behavior as it’s happening. “Stop and praise your kids right then for playing collaboratively,” suggests Dr. Lee. “Get involved proactively to say, ‘I see you guys sharing that toy,’ or, ‘Wow, great job taking turns,’ or, ‘Wow, I love how you guys are playing together.’” Letting them drink up that positive attention may help to reduce their need for negative attention later.

“For every time you catch them fighting, you want to catch them playing nicely together three to five more times,” notes Dr. Lee. “We want to encourage that in order to really change their behavior.”

Make a plan

Of course, even with all the positive reinforcement in the world, siblings will still fight. Another thing that parents can do ahead of time is to coach the kids — often the older sibling, in particular — on how to respond in a productive way rather than escalating a conflict. For example, you might let your child know that if their sibling hits them or snatches a toy they should come and calmly let you know rather than retaliating. Or if a younger sibling is always knocking down structures, for example, the parent can coach the older sibling to go in a separate room to build, or to build structures specifically for the other to destruct.

Also, parents can make clear that there’s a difference between running to a parent every time there’s the slightest disagreement and seeking help to resolve an issue. And, of course, they should alert an adult if a sibling gets violent.

If there’s a constant source of conflict, making a plan can help ease the tension. Dr. Lee works with a set of older siblings, for example, who always fought over who could sit in the front passenger seat of the car. So they made a plan that both kids agreed on: one sibling got to sit in the front seat on even days and the other kid got odd days, and that was that. They knew what to expect and had a predictable solution that remedied the conflict.

Setting a timer for taking turns with a coveted object is another great, actionable tactic. And it’s important to be clear on what items should be shared and what can be reserved. Is a brand new toy off-limits? Certain special items? Parents can give kids each three stickers, for example, to put on three special things that are off-limits, which can be switched as their moods and likes change.

The important thing is to be clear and consistent, and to set up predictable outcomes — all while praising them any time they do a great job with it. “The more proactive you can be the better off you’re going to be in terms of setting the stage for success,” advises Dr. Lee.

Tootle, don’t tattle

Another way to create a more positive social dynamic is to celebrate tootling rather than tattling. Tootling, as Dr. Lee describes, is calling someone out for positive behavior. So for example, encourage your kids to come and tell you when their sibling shares a toy or demonstrates kindness, then make a big deal out of the positive actions of both children. Depending on your family culture you may want to start a penny jar that gets them pizza night when it’s full, or have some other means of documenting all the good deeds.

If you take something away, give it back

Even with all this in place, there are going to be times when the kids are playing tug of war with a toy and it feels like the only way to intervene is to remove the source of conflict. Dr. Lee says that it’s totally fine to do that, but to make sure you give the toy back to them within a few minutes and give them a chance to practice using it appropriately — otherwise they aren’t really learning how to work collaboratively. This may mean getting them to agree to taking turns with the help of a timer then praising them when they do a good job.

Forget fair

“That’s not fair!” is a common cry of children of all ages, and it’s easy for parents to get caught up in making sure that everything is on even footing between siblings. But as Dr. Lee points out, life isn’t fair and it’s not realistic that every single thing in the home be equal at all times. The older kid may get to stay up later, and while the younger kid may feel that this is a great injustice, “it’s up to the culture of your family and what you’re comfortable with,” she says.

If there’s discontent over something like this, parents can explain the logic behind the “unfair” exception, but “we don’t need to give explanations for everything,” says Dr. Lee. “If that’s the rule, that’s the rule.”

Parents can model dealing with unfairness by sharing stories with their kids about things that seemed unfair to them and how they dealt with it. For example, someone at work gets more vacation days because they’ve been at the organization longer. That can feel unfair, but they can understand why it works that way.

But generally, Dr. Lee says, “I find with kids they actually end up saying ‘that’s not fair’ not so much because they’re so concerned about fairness, but actually because that’s what gets their parents to attend to them.”

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Special needs

And what about when one has emotional ordevelopmental challenges that may demand extra attention or accommodations? Dr. Lee says to approach this situation similarly: with forethought, planning, and lots of positive praise.

Talking openly about the issues their brother or sister may have is important for siblings, as well as listening carefully to their concerns and feelings. Behavior that’s difficult or disturbing is less upsetting — and less likely to incur retaliation by the sibling — when it’s understood that it’s not willful.

Being generous with support and encouragement can also help keep a sibling from acting out to get attention. If one kid needs a behavior sticker chart, for example, offer one to the other kid as well. Also setting aside special one-on-one time with each sibling when possible — even just a monthly breakfast date or five-minute game of tic-tac-toe — can go a long way towards making everyone feel important.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do siblings fight?

How do you get siblings to stop fighting all the time?

To get siblings to stop fighting all the time, parents can first try to get to the root cause of the conflict. For example, if kids are fighting over a toy, you could make a schedule for sharing it. Parents can also praise their kids when they’re cooperating together and coach them on how to resolve disagreements in a more productive way.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-when-siblings-wont-stop-fighting/

Finding The Right Support https://youtube.com/shorts/ldEJqZsb_2M?feature=share

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Teaching Kids How to Deal With Conflict

Tips for building lifelong skills

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com

Writer: Juliann Garey

Clinical Experts: Stephanie A. Lee, PsyD , Carey Werley, LCSW

What You'll Learn

- How can parents help kids deal with the big feelings that come from conflict?
- What does problem-solving look like with young kids?
- How can kids learn to communicate better?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- Tackle feelings first
- Pinpoint the source of the conflict
- Brainstorm solutions
- Get some perspective
- Practice effective communication
- Model what you want to see

It’s hard to solve a problem when you’re so angry you can’t think straight. That’s why helping kids learn to solve conflicts starts with helping them calm down.

First, they need to recognize their emotions. Young kids might have a hard time naming their feelings. It can help to have a feelings chart to look at. A stoplight can also work. A red light means emotions are big and they need time to cool off. A yellow light means they’re beginning to calm down. Green means they’re ready to solve the problem.

You can help your child come up with tools to calm down. They might splash some water on their face, take some deep breaths or play with a pet. When they’re ready to focus, you can help them find the source of the conflict. This can be hard for younger children. The fight may have started with a toy, but it might really be about something bigger.

Have your child pitch some solutions to their conflict. Then you can both pick out which are best. Remind them that the best option isn’t just the one that feels best. It’s also the one that gets them to their goal. It’s good to praise your child for their efforts to fix a problem, even when they don’t pan out.

Learning to say what you need in a way others understand is an important problem-solving tool. “I” statements, like “I felt sad when you didn’t sit with me,” are also a good tool. Kids can even role-play with a grownup who can give feedback. It’s good to teach these skills when your child’s not in the middle of a conflict. It’s important to model these skills for your child, too. You can walk them through how you’d solve your own problem step by step.

No one likes dealing with conflict. But no matter how hard we try to avoid them, arguments, fights and disagreements are a fact of life — for adults and for kids. And not dealing with conflicts when they arise can negatively impact relationships and lead to further interpersonal challenges down the road.

Conflict may not be pleasant, but it doesn’t have to feel catastrophic. Teaching kids practical skills to manage it in a healthy way will help them navigate everything from small squabbles (“She took my doll!”) to big issues (“I don’t know if I want to be your friend anymore”) both now and as they grow up.

Tackle feelings first

Part of what makes conflicts difficult to navigate is the way they bring out big, intense emotions that children may not have the tools to process. Before they can address the problem that caused the conflict — whether it was a fight over a toy or betrayal by friend — kids need to be able to get to a place emotionally where they can think before they act (or lash out and make things worse).

Parents can start by helping kids identify the emotions they’re having. Are they feeling anger? Frustration? Hurt? Embarrassment? Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a child psychologist, and Carey Werley, LCSW, a clinical social worker at the Child Mind Institute, recommend using visual tools to help little kids identify what they’re feeling.

- Visual feelings chart: Typically, this is a chart showing facial expressions that illustrate different emotions. “You can buy magnetized charts, which are a handy addition to the refrigerator and which help kids identify what they’re feeling,” says Werley.
- The stoplight: A visual red, yellow and green stoplight is especially helpful for little kids. “If a little kid looks at the stoplight and points to the red zone, then the feelings are so big that they’re probably not going to be able to act in a way that’s going to resolve the conflict yet,” says Werley. “Yellow means the intensity of the emotion is beginning to subside and by the time they get to green, they’re going to be able to engage in actual conflict resolution skills. It’s about helping kids to not act in a way that’s going to make the situation bigger or worse.”
- The emotion thermometer: Easily Googleable, the emotion thermometer is simply a picture of a thermometer with numbers. When conflicts come up, kids can look at the emotion thermometer to assess where they are on it. Based on the number, the child can decide whether they need to calm down before proceeding. Tweens and teens who’ve learned these techniques can simply visualize the stoplight or thermometer in their minds in order to assess their emotional state.

When emotions are still intense, it’s not the right time to problem-solve about the conflict itself. Help kids come up with a toolbox of coping skills to use if they need to calm down in the heat of the moment. This might mean splashing cold water on your face, taking some deep breaths or playing with a pet.

Pinpoint the source of the conflict

Once big emotions have cooled down, the next step is figuring out exactly what the problem is. Sometimes kids, especially younger ones, don’t have the emotional awareness to identify the original source of the conflict. They might need your help to understand why they’re fighting. For example, if your child and their friend are squabbling over a toy, the issue might be much deeper, explains Werley. “It could actually be that one of them made a new friend and the other feels left out,” she says.

Helping kids get to the root of the issue will make it easier for them to resolve what’s actually wrong. It will also give them tools to identify and talk about similar problems when they come up again. Older kids starting in grade school and middle school are more likely to have the language to identify the source of the conflict, so with a little guidance they can learn to use these skills independently going forward.

Brainstorm solutions

Once kids understand what the issue is, you can help them practice finding solutions. Little kids in particular will need a grown-up’s guidance here, but even older kids and teenagers can benefit from having someone to bounce ideas of off.

For any age, Dr. Lee suggests brainstorming several solutions then putting your heads together to pick the best one. For younger kids, she recommends a couple of ways to structure this conversation:

- Problem-solving baseball: This exercise takes kids through the processing of thinking up and evaluating possible action plans. “I have kids pitch me a problem and then we go through the bases,” Dr. Lee explains. “So, first base is what’s my problem? Second base is what are some potential options? Third base identifies the best options. And home plate is, am I safe or out? Did I pick the right one? The object is to help even very young kids start to understand what is going to get them closest to their goal.”
- The smiley face rating: Lee suggests asking your child to come up with possible conflict resolution options and then asking, “Is this behavior going to make you feel better or worse or pretty much the same?” Note the answer using a visual rating: smiley face, frowny face, neutral? “And then we look at all of our smiley ratings to help us decide which one is the best option. But also explain to them that it’s not just about how you feel, it’s about whether or not it’s going to help you to reach your goal.”

Of course, the tricky thing here is that it’s usually hard to know what the best option really is. And that’s okay! Let kids know that the goal is to make your best effort, not to solve everything perfectly right away. They might have to go back to the drawing board if their first plan doesn’t pan out — often, that’s just part of the process. “You also want to jump in and praise your child for trying those skills even if things didn’t work out as they had hoped,” says Dr. Lee. “Give them credit and then help them navigate from there. And when they do figure it out, make a big deal out of that.”

Get some perspective

Conflicts often feel enormous and immediate, which can make it hard to keep perspective on the situation. To find useful solutions, it’s important for kids to practice taking a mental step back. A few tips you can encourage kids to keep in mind include:

- Think beyond this one incident. If a close friend tells a secret you trusted them with, it’s natural to be upset. But does that really mean that the friendship is over? Encourage your child to consider the rest of their relationship with the person they’re in conflict with, and remind them that one behavior doesn’t define the entire person.
- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. “You want to really work on acknowledging what the other person is saying,” says Werley. “even if you don’t totally understand why they’re feeling that way or don’t agree with the way that they’re describing the situation.” Imagining what the other person is feeling is a great way to help kids develop empathy. Depending on the situation, it might also make sense for your child to talk over the issue with the other person and make a point of listening actively — without interrupting. Practicing these skills can help kids resolve conflicts in the short term and become more empathetic in the long term.
- Consider the context. The time and place of the conflict will often dictate how kids respond to it, as will the nature of their relationship to the other person. In particular, Dr. Lee notes that it’s important for kids to know that conflicts with adults will often look different from conflicts with other kids. For example, a child who gets angry with a teacher during class might have to sit with those feelings until it’s possible to set up a private meeting with the teacher. Taking a step back to consider all the dynamics of a situation will set kids up to navigate the conflict more successfully.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Practice effective communication

In order to resolve a conflict, kids need to learn to communicate their feelings clearly, without lashing out or making accusations. It’s tough to practice communication skills when tensions are running high, so consider talking over these skills with kids when they’re not already in the midst of a conflict. Then, you can provide gentle reminders and guidance when things do get heated. Werley and Dr. Lee recommend the following strategies:

- Using “I” statements to name feelings. You’ve heard it before, but it’s still true: Saying something like, “I felt embarrassed when you posted that on Instagram” is usually more helpful than something like, “You posted that picture just to embarrass me!”
- Writing out talking points. “Even if it’s just planning out a conversation in their journal, thinking through what to say ahead of time can help kids get their points across effectively,” says Werley.
- Role-playing with an adult. “Having a safe space to practice tricky conversations can be a huge help,” says Dr. Lee. You can also offer your child insight on nonverbal communication that they might not be aware of — e.g., “What you said was really kind, but I had a harder time appreciating it because you were looking at the ground.”

Model what you want to see

One of the most powerful things you can do to help your child learn conflict resolution is to show them how it’s done. When you experience a conflict of your own (especially one with your child!), put the techniques described here into practice. When appropriate, you can even talk your child through how you solved the conflict. Seeing you succeed — and make mistakes along the way! — shows kids that solving conflicts really is doable, even when it’s hard.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some tips for conflict resolution in young kids?

How can you help your child with conflict resolution?

What are some good conflict resolution techniques for kids?

A good conflict resolution technique for kids is learning to say what you need in a way others understand. “I” statements, like “I felt sad when you didn’t sit with me,” are also a good tool. Kids can even role-play with a grownup who can give feedback.

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-teaching-kids-how-to-deal-with-conflict-2/

Tips for building lifelong skills

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com

Writer: Juliann Garey

Clinical Experts: Stephanie A. Lee, PsyD , Carey Werley, LCSW

What You'll Learn

- How can parents help kids deal with the big feelings that come from conflict?

- What does problem-solving look like with young kids?

- How can kids learn to communicate better?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Tackle feelings first

- Pinpoint the source of the conflict

- Brainstorm solutions

- Get some perspective

- Practice effective communication

- Model what you want to see

It’s hard to solve a problem when you’re so angry you can’t think straight. That’s why helping kids learn to solve conflicts starts with helping them calm down.

First, they need to recognize their emotions. Young kids might have a hard time naming their feelings. It can help to have a feelings chart to look at. A stoplight can also work. A red light means emotions are big and they need time to cool off. A yellow light means they’re beginning to calm down. Green means they’re ready to solve the problem.

You can help your child come up with tools to calm down. They might splash some water on their face, take some deep breaths or play with a pet. When they’re ready to focus, you can help them find the source of the conflict. This can be hard for younger children. The fight may have started with a toy, but it might really be about something bigger.

Have your child pitch some solutions to their conflict. Then you can both pick out which are best. Remind them that the best option isn’t just the one that feels best. It’s also the one that gets them to their goal. It’s good to praise your child for their efforts to fix a problem, even when they don’t pan out.

Learning to say what you need in a way others understand is an important problem-solving tool. “I” statements, like “I felt sad when you didn’t sit with me,” are also a good tool. Kids can even role-play with a grownup who can give feedback. It’s good to teach these skills when your child’s not in the middle of a conflict. It’s important to model these skills for your child, too. You can walk them through how you’d solve your own problem step by step.

No one likes dealing with conflict. But no matter how hard we try to avoid them, arguments, fights and disagreements are a fact of life — for adults and for kids. And not dealing with conflicts when they arise can negatively impact relationships and lead to further interpersonal challenges down the road.

Conflict may not be pleasant, but it doesn’t have to feel catastrophic. Teaching kids practical skills to manage it in a healthy way will help them navigate everything from small squabbles (“She took my doll!”) to big issues (“I don’t know if I want to be your friend anymore”) both now and as they grow up.

Tackle feelings first

Part of what makes conflicts difficult to navigate is the way they bring out big, intense emotions that children may not have the tools to process. Before they can address the problem that caused the conflict — whether it was a fight over a toy or betrayal by friend — kids need to be able to get to a place emotionally where they can think before they act (or lash out and make things worse).

Parents can start by helping kids identify the emotions they’re having. Are they feeling anger? Frustration? Hurt? Embarrassment? Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a child psychologist, and Carey Werley, LCSW, a clinical social worker at the Child Mind Institute, recommend using visual tools to help little kids identify what they’re feeling.

- Visual feelings chart: Typically, this is a chart showing facial expressions that illustrate different emotions. “You can buy magnetized charts, which are a handy addition to the refrigerator and which help kids identify what they’re feeling,” says Werley.

- The stoplight: A visual red, yellow and green stoplight is especially helpful for little kids. “If a little kid looks at the stoplight and points to the red zone, then the feelings are so big that they’re probably not going to be able to act in a way that’s going to resolve the conflict yet,” says Werley. “Yellow means the intensity of the emotion is beginning to subside and by the time they get to green, they’re going to be able to engage in actual conflict resolution skills. It’s about helping kids to not act in a way that’s going to make the situation bigger or worse.”

- The emotion thermometer: Easily Googleable, the emotion thermometer is simply a picture of a thermometer with numbers. When conflicts come up, kids can look at the emotion thermometer to assess where they are on it. Based on the number, the child can decide whether they need to calm down before proceeding. Tweens and teens who’ve learned these techniques can simply visualize the stoplight or thermometer in their minds in order to assess their emotional state.

When emotions are still intense, it’s not the right time to problem-solve about the conflict itself. Help kids come up with a toolbox of coping skills to use if they need to calm down in the heat of the moment. This might mean splashing cold water on your face, taking some deep breaths or playing with a pet.

Pinpoint the source of the conflict

Once big emotions have cooled down, the next step is figuring out exactly what the problem is. Sometimes kids, especially younger ones, don’t have the emotional awareness to identify the original source of the conflict. They might need your help to understand why they’re fighting. For example, if your child and their friend are squabbling over a toy, the issue might be much deeper, explains Werley. “It could actually be that one of them made a new friend and the other feels left out,” she says.

Helping kids get to the root of the issue will make it easier for them to resolve what’s actually wrong. It will also give them tools to identify and talk about similar problems when they come up again. Older kids starting in grade school and middle school are more likely to have the language to identify the source of the conflict, so with a little guidance they can learn to use these skills independently going forward.

Brainstorm solutions

Once kids understand what the issue is, you can help them practice finding solutions. Little kids in particular will need a grown-up’s guidance here, but even older kids and teenagers can benefit from having someone to bounce ideas of off.

For any age, Dr. Lee suggests brainstorming several solutions then putting your heads together to pick the best one. For younger kids, she recommends a couple of ways to structure this conversation:

- Problem-solving baseball: This exercise takes kids through the processing of thinking up and evaluating possible action plans. “I have kids pitch me a problem and then we go through the bases,” Dr. Lee explains. “So, first base is what’s my problem? Second base is what are some potential options? Third base identifies the best options. And home plate is, am I safe or out? Did I pick the right one? The object is to help even very young kids start to understand what is going to get them closest to their goal.”

- The smiley face rating: Lee suggests asking your child to come up with possible conflict resolution options and then asking, “Is this behavior going to make you feel better or worse or pretty much the same?” Note the answer using a visual rating: smiley face, frowny face, neutral? “And then we look at all of our smiley ratings to help us decide which one is the best option. But also explain to them that it’s not just about how you feel, it’s about whether or not it’s going to help you to reach your goal.”

Of course, the tricky thing here is that it’s usually hard to know what the best option really is. And that’s okay! Let kids know that the goal is to make your best effort, not to solve everything perfectly right away. They might have to go back to the drawing board if their first plan doesn’t pan out — often, that’s just part of the process. “You also want to jump in and praise your child for trying those skills even if things didn’t work out as they had hoped,” says Dr. Lee. “Give them credit and then help them navigate from there. And when they do figure it out, make a big deal out of that.”

Get some perspective

Conflicts often feel enormous and immediate, which can make it hard to keep perspective on the situation. To find useful solutions, it’s important for kids to practice taking a mental step back. A few tips you can encourage kids to keep in mind include:

- Think beyond this one incident. If a close friend tells a secret you trusted them with, it’s natural to be upset. But does that really mean that the friendship is over? Encourage your child to consider the rest of their relationship with the person they’re in conflict with, and remind them that one behavior doesn’t define the entire person.

- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. “You want to really work on acknowledging what the other person is saying,” says Werley. “even if you don’t totally understand why they’re feeling that way or don’t agree with the way that they’re describing the situation.” Imagining what the other person is feeling is a great way to help kids develop empathy. Depending on the situation, it might also make sense for your child to talk over the issue with the other person and make a point of listening actively — without interrupting. Practicing these skills can help kids resolve conflicts in the short term and become more empathetic in the long term.

- Consider the context. The time and place of the conflict will often dictate how kids respond to it, as will the nature of their relationship to the other person. In particular, Dr. Lee notes that it’s important for kids to know that conflicts with adults will often look different from conflicts with other kids. For example, a child who gets angry with a teacher during class might have to sit with those feelings until it’s possible to set up a private meeting with the teacher. Taking a step back to consider all the dynamics of a situation will set kids up to navigate the conflict more successfully.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Practice effective communication

In order to resolve a conflict, kids need to learn to communicate their feelings clearly, without lashing out or making accusations. It’s tough to practice communication skills when tensions are running high, so consider talking over these skills with kids when they’re not already in the midst of a conflict. Then, you can provide gentle reminders and guidance when things do get heated. Werley and Dr. Lee recommend the following strategies:

- Using “I” statements to name feelings. You’ve heard it before, but it’s still true: Saying something like, “I felt embarrassed when you posted that on Instagram” is usually more helpful than something like, “You posted that picture just to embarrass me!”

- Writing out talking points. “Even if it’s just planning out a conversation in their journal, thinking through what to say ahead of time can help kids get their points across effectively,” says Werley.

- Role-playing with an adult. “Having a safe space to practice tricky conversations can be a huge help,” says Dr. Lee. You can also offer your child insight on nonverbal communication that they might not be aware of — e.g., “What you said was really kind, but I had a harder time appreciating it because you were looking at the ground.”

Model what you want to see

One of the most powerful things you can do to help your child learn conflict resolution is to show them how it’s done. When you experience a conflict of your own (especially one with your child!), put the techniques described here into practice. When appropriate, you can even talk your child through how you solved the conflict. Seeing you succeed — and make mistakes along the way! — shows kids that solving conflicts really is doable, even when it’s hard.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some tips for conflict resolution in young kids?

How can you help your child with conflict resolution?

What are some good conflict resolution techniques for kids?

A good conflict resolution technique for kids is learning to say what you need in a way others understand. “I” statements, like “I felt sad when you didn’t sit with me,” are also a good tool. Kids can even role-play with a grownup who can give feedback.

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-teaching-kids-how-to-deal-with-conflict-2/

Tips for building lifelong skills

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com

Writer: Juliann Garey

Clinical Experts: Stephanie A. Lee, PsyD , Carey Werley, LCSW

What You'll Learn

- How can parents help kids deal with the big feelings that come from conflict?

- What does problem-solving look like with young kids?

- How can kids learn to communicate better?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Tackle feelings first

- Pinpoint the source of the conflict

- Brainstorm solutions

- Get some perspective

- Practice effective communication

- Model what you want to see

It’s hard to solve a problem when you’re so angry you can’t think straight. That’s why helping kids learn to solve conflicts starts with helping them calm down.

First, they need to recognize their emotions. Young kids might have a hard time naming their feelings. It can help to have a feelings chart to look at. A stoplight can also work. A red light means emotions are big and they need time to cool off. A yellow light means they’re beginning to calm down. Green means they’re ready to solve the problem.

You can help your child come up with tools to calm down. They might splash some water on their face, take some deep breaths or play with a pet. When they’re ready to focus, you can help them find the source of the conflict. This can be hard for younger children. The fight may have started with a toy, but it might really be about something bigger.

Have your child pitch some solutions to their conflict. Then you can both pick out which are best. Remind them that the best option isn’t just the one that feels best. It’s also the one that gets them to their goal. It’s good to praise your child for their efforts to fix a problem, even when they don’t pan out.

Learning to say what you need in a way others understand is an important problem-solving tool. “I” statements, like “I felt sad when you didn’t sit with me,” are also a good tool. Kids can even role-play with a grownup who can give feedback. It’s good to teach these skills when your child’s not in the middle of a conflict. It’s important to model these skills for your child, too. You can walk them through how you’d solve your own problem step by step.

No one likes dealing with conflict. But no matter how hard we try to avoid them, arguments, fights and disagreements are a fact of life — for adults and for kids. And not dealing with conflicts when they arise can negatively impact relationships and lead to further interpersonal challenges down the road.

Conflict may not be pleasant, but it doesn’t have to feel catastrophic. Teaching kids practical skills to manage it in a healthy way will help them navigate everything from small squabbles (“She took my doll!”) to big issues (“I don’t know if I want to be your friend anymore”) both now and as they grow up.

Tackle feelings first

Part of what makes conflicts difficult to navigate is the way they bring out big, intense emotions that children may not have the tools to process. Before they can address the problem that caused the conflict — whether it was a fight over a toy or betrayal by friend — kids need to be able to get to a place emotionally where they can think before they act (or lash out and make things worse).

Parents can start by helping kids identify the emotions they’re having. Are they feeling anger? Frustration? Hurt? Embarrassment? Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a child psychologist, and Carey Werley, LCSW, a clinical social worker at the Child Mind Institute, recommend using visual tools to help little kids identify what they’re feeling.

- Visual feelings chart: Typically, this is a chart showing facial expressions that illustrate different emotions. “You can buy magnetized charts, which are a handy addition to the refrigerator and which help kids identify what they’re feeling,” says Werley.

- The stoplight: A visual red, yellow and green stoplight is especially helpful for little kids. “If a little kid looks at the stoplight and points to the red zone, then the feelings are so big that they’re probably not going to be able to act in a way that’s going to resolve the conflict yet,” says Werley. “Yellow means the intensity of the emotion is beginning to subside and by the time they get to green, they’re going to be able to engage in actual conflict resolution skills. It’s about helping kids to not act in a way that’s going to make the situation bigger or worse.”

- The emotion thermometer: Easily Googleable, the emotion thermometer is simply a picture of a thermometer with numbers. When conflicts come up, kids can look at the emotion thermometer to assess where they are on it. Based on the number, the child can decide whether they need to calm down before proceeding. Tweens and teens who’ve learned these techniques can simply visualize the stoplight or thermometer in their minds in order to assess their emotional state.

When emotions are still intense, it’s not the right time to problem-solve about the conflict itself. Help kids come up with a toolbox of coping skills to use if they need to calm down in the heat of the moment. This might mean splashing cold water on your face, taking some deep breaths or playing with a pet.

Pinpoint the source of the conflict

Once big emotions have cooled down, the next step is figuring out exactly what the problem is. Sometimes kids, especially younger ones, don’t have the emotional awareness to identify the original source of the conflict. They might need your help to understand why they’re fighting. For example, if your child and their friend are squabbling over a toy, the issue might be much deeper, explains Werley. “It could actually be that one of them made a new friend and the other feels left out,” she says.

Helping kids get to the root of the issue will make it easier for them to resolve what’s actually wrong. It will also give them tools to identify and talk about similar problems when they come up again. Older kids starting in grade school and middle school are more likely to have the language to identify the source of the conflict, so with a little guidance they can learn to use these skills independently going forward.

Brainstorm solutions

Once kids understand what the issue is, you can help them practice finding solutions. Little kids in particular will need a grown-up’s guidance here, but even older kids and teenagers can benefit from having someone to bounce ideas of off.

For any age, Dr. Lee suggests brainstorming several solutions then putting your heads together to pick the best one. For younger kids, she recommends a couple of ways to structure this conversation:

- Problem-solving baseball: This exercise takes kids through the processing of thinking up and evaluating possible action plans. “I have kids pitch me a problem and then we go through the bases,” Dr. Lee explains. “So, first base is what’s my problem? Second base is what are some potential options? Third base identifies the best options. And home plate is, am I safe or out? Did I pick the right one? The object is to help even very young kids start to understand what is going to get them closest to their goal.”

- The smiley face rating: Lee suggests asking your child to come up with possible conflict resolution options and then asking, “Is this behavior going to make you feel better or worse or pretty much the same?” Note the answer using a visual rating: smiley face, frowny face, neutral? “And then we look at all of our smiley ratings to help us decide which one is the best option. But also explain to them that it’s not just about how you feel, it’s about whether or not it’s going to help you to reach your goal.”

Of course, the tricky thing here is that it’s usually hard to know what the best option really is. And that’s okay! Let kids know that the goal is to make your best effort, not to solve everything perfectly right away. They might have to go back to the drawing board if their first plan doesn’t pan out — often, that’s just part of the process. “You also want to jump in and praise your child for trying those skills even if things didn’t work out as they had hoped,” says Dr. Lee. “Give them credit and then help them navigate from there. And when they do figure it out, make a big deal out of that.”

Get some perspective

Conflicts often feel enormous and immediate, which can make it hard to keep perspective on the situation. To find useful solutions, it’s important for kids to practice taking a mental step back. A few tips you can encourage kids to keep in mind include:

- Think beyond this one incident. If a close friend tells a secret you trusted them with, it’s natural to be upset. But does that really mean that the friendship is over? Encourage your child to consider the rest of their relationship with the person they’re in conflict with, and remind them that one behavior doesn’t define the entire person.

- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. “You want to really work on acknowledging what the other person is saying,” says Werley. “even if you don’t totally understand why they’re feeling that way or don’t agree with the way that they’re describing the situation.” Imagining what the other person is feeling is a great way to help kids develop empathy. Depending on the situation, it might also make sense for your child to talk over the issue with the other person and make a point of listening actively — without interrupting. Practicing these skills can help kids resolve conflicts in the short term and become more empathetic in the long term.

- Consider the context. The time and place of the conflict will often dictate how kids respond to it, as will the nature of their relationship to the other person. In particular, Dr. Lee notes that it’s important for kids to know that conflicts with adults will often look different from conflicts with other kids. For example, a child who gets angry with a teacher during class might have to sit with those feelings until it’s possible to set up a private meeting with the teacher. Taking a step back to consider all the dynamics of a situation will set kids up to navigate the conflict more successfully.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Practice effective communication

In order to resolve a conflict, kids need to learn to communicate their feelings clearly, without lashing out or making accusations. It’s tough to practice communication skills when tensions are running high, so consider talking over these skills with kids when they’re not already in the midst of a conflict. Then, you can provide gentle reminders and guidance when things do get heated. Werley and Dr. Lee recommend the following strategies:

- Using “I” statements to name feelings. You’ve heard it before, but it’s still true: Saying something like, “I felt embarrassed when you posted that on Instagram” is usually more helpful than something like, “You posted that picture just to embarrass me!”

- Writing out talking points. “Even if it’s just planning out a conversation in their journal, thinking through what to say ahead of time can help kids get their points across effectively,” says Werley.

- Role-playing with an adult. “Having a safe space to practice tricky conversations can be a huge help,” says Dr. Lee. You can also offer your child insight on nonverbal communication that they might not be aware of — e.g., “What you said was really kind, but I had a harder time appreciating it because you were looking at the ground.”

Model what you want to see

One of the most powerful things you can do to help your child learn conflict resolution is to show them how it’s done. When you experience a conflict of your own (especially one with your child!), put the techniques described here into practice. When appropriate, you can even talk your child through how you solved the conflict. Seeing you succeed — and make mistakes along the way! — shows kids that solving conflicts really is doable, even when it’s hard.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some tips for conflict resolution in young kids?

How can you help your child with conflict resolution?

What are some good conflict resolution techniques for kids?

A good conflict resolution technique for kids is learning to say what you need in a way others understand. “I” statements, like “I felt sad when you didn’t sit with me,” are also a good tool. Kids can even role-play with a grownup who can give feedback.

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=14585

Finding Strength In Support Is A Powerful Step Towards Mental Wellness https://youtube.com/shorts/PlpNTu-UhZ0?feature=share

Why empathy and self-awareness play a major role

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Writer: Rae Jacobson

Clinical Experts: Rachel Busman, PsyD, ABPP , Stephanie Dowd, PsyD , Mandi Silverman, PsyD, MBA , Tess M. Crane, LCSW

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_RtGLhLRgs

What You'll Learn

- How do kids learn to set boundaries and respect other people’s boundaries?

- Why is it important to help young children think about how other people feel?

- How can you help empower children to stick up for themselves if other kids are ignoring their boundaries?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Why is empathy important?

- How to help kids develop empathy

- Rules work both ways  

- Practice setting boundaries

- Model behavior

- Find, and discuss, examples

- Embrace diversity

- Respect limits on offering affection

- Take your kids’ limits seriously

For most parents setting boundaries for young kids’ behavior is second nature: No hitting. Don’t interrupt. We don’t grab toys out of other kids’ hands.

But as kids get older, boundaries for social interaction are important too. They need to learn to set boundaries for themselves and respect those of others. And that takes empathy — being able to recognize what others want and need, as well as what they themselves want and need.

It helps to start early, by encouraging young children to talk about their feelings, and think about what others might be feeling. For example, you can ask: “How do you think Mark felt when you took his toy away?”

You can also ask your child to think about how they feel when their older sibling won’t let them play with their friends or won’t share their dessert. Then ask how they think their sibling would feel if they did the same.

One way to help kids understand why it’s important to follow rules is to see them as working both ways. For instance, people are in charge of their own bodies, and it’s not okay to touch them if they don’t want you to, just like it’s not okay for someone to touch you in a way you don’t like.

It’s also important to help kids learn to advocate for themselves when other kids are being pushy. You can help your child plan for what to do when someone isn’t respecting their feelings or boundaries. Go over some simple phrases your child can use: “Please stop.” “I don’t like that.” “It’s my turn now.”

Your example matters too. When kids hear parents checking with each other to see if they’re on the same page before they make decisions, or asking a friend how they feel about something, kids are more likely to follow suit.

For most parents setting boundaries for young kids’ behavior is second nature: No hitting. Don’t interrupt. We don’t grab toys out of other kids’ hands.

But as they get older, and social interaction gets more complex, it’s not enough to just learn the rules. They need to learn to set boundaries for themselves and respect those of others. And that takes being able to recognize what others want and need — and express what they want and need, too.

“Boundaries are essentially about understanding and respecting our own needs, and being respectful and understanding of the needs of others,” explains Stephanie Dowd, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, “and for that to work, we need to be putting a big emphasis on helping kids develop greater empathy and self-awareness.”

Why is empathy important?

For some parents, the idea of teaching children who haven’t quite mastered the art of tying their shoes to be more empathetic might seem a little absurd. But you can help them slowly build an awareness of others. Kids may not grasp the subtleties of what it means to be empathetic, but they don’t need to.

“You’re not going to sit down with a 4-year-old and say, okay, this is what empathy means,” says Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “What we want is for kids to start developing that awareness of how others are feeling, and begin using it as a kind of guide for how to behave.”

And at the same time, we want to help kids get comfortable with articulating their own feelings and setting limits, even as they respect others’ limits. That takes practice.

How to help kids develop empathy

“Empathy is something we think of as being very adult,” says Mandi Silverman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “But in reality, by age 3 most kids will instinctually show concern for a crying friend, or realize when someone has a “booboo” and want to give it a band-aid.”

Younger kids often learn best by experience, she explains, so parents should start by addressing problem behaviors when they happen. “Social skills coaching is always best when you can do it in real time,” she says, “They’re more likely to remember what to do in that situation and be able to replicate the behavior next time it comes up.”

Luckily (or not), most kids offer ample opportunities to practice intervening in the moment. For example, “How do you think Mark felt when you took his toy away?”

If your child grabs a reluctant friend, you could encourage them to think about how their friend might be feeling, and why asking before touching is important. “It’s important to ask before touching someone else, because that person might not be feeling well, or they could be in a bad mood and not want to play just then.”

Sometimes kids’ egotism can be a helpful tool, says Dr. Busman. “Ask your child to think about how he feels when his sister won’t let him play with her friends, or won’t share her dessert. Then ask how he thinks she’d feel if he did the same.”

Using your child’s feelings as a mirror for others can help create perspective — and give them a chance to link actions to the feelings they cause.

Rules work both ways  

One way to help kids understand why it’s important to follow rules is to see them as reciprocal.

- People are in charge of their own bodies, and it’s not okay to touch them if they don’t want you to, just like it’s not okay for someone to touch you in a way you don’t like.

- Sometimes things that seem fun to you are not fun for the other person. “A kid might want to jump on their friend’s back because that sounds fun,” suggests Dr. Busman, “but if they don’t take time to ask if the friend is okay with that, and don’t make sure they’re ready, someone is likely to end up getting hurt.” And that person could be you, too.

- Listening when people are talking, especially when they’re giving instructions or asking us to do something, or not do something, is how we stay safe and make sure other people are safe, too. If people aren’t listening to you, they won’t know what you need or want, either.

Practice setting boundaries

Learning how to be more empathetic can be a big help for kids when it comes to social interactions, but it’s equally important to help your child learn to advocate for themselves and their boundaries when other kids are being pushy, aggressive, or just thoughtless.

Helping your child make a plan for what to do when someone isn’t respecting their feelings or boundaries will give your child the chance to practice standing up for themselves.

For example, you could ask, “What are some ways you could let Jeremy know you don’t like it when he hugs you without asking?” Go over some simple phrases your child can use to advocate for themselves: “Please stop.” “I don’t like that.” “It’s my turn now.”

Make a list of Get-A-Grown-Up scenarios. Examples could include:

- Hitting, or pushing, or even a kid who’s just playing too rough

- A child who won’t take no for an answer

- A situation where they feel unsafe or uncomfortable. For example if their friends want to climb a fence into someone else’s yard or are playing too close to the pool

Helping kids get comfortable advocating for their boundaries early will help them do so in the future when the stakes can be much higher.

Model behavior

When it comes to learning anything, kids look to their parents for cues on how to behave, and empathy and self-awareness are no exception. If you want instructions to stick, it’s important to practice what you preach.

“We want parents to be demonstrating the kind of behaviors they want their kids to emulate,” says Dr. Busman. “You may be speaking to your partner, or a friend, but that doesn’t mean your child isn’t paying attention and picking up signals on how to think, how to act, and how to interact with others.”

When kids hear parents checking with each other to see if they’re on the same page before they make decisions, or asking a friend how they feel — and really listening to the answer — kids are more likely to follow suit.

Find, and discuss, examples

Another way to make empathy part of the conversation is to draw on kids’ favorite media, pointing out examples of good or bad behavior. For example, if a character on TV is being bullied, try asking: “How do you think he felt when the other kids called him stupid? Is it ever okay to call someone something like that?”

Niki Kriese and her husband Mat started doing this early on with their two sons, Simon (4) and Felix (6). Niki says her family often relies on examples from books, movies, or TV to help get a conversation going. “The other night Mat was reading an old Berenstain Bears book to the kids,” she says. In the book, the bear family was trying to decide how to spend the day together.

Halfway through, Mat stopped and asked the kids, “Hey, has the mother said one word so far?” The boys agreed that she hadn’t. When they’d finished reading, he noted that at no point in the story had anyone asked the mother bear what she’d like to do, or if she was having fun.

“Do you think your mom would like that?” he queried Simon and Felix.

The boys shook their heads.

“Would you?” Again, the answer was no.

The object, Niki explains, isn’t necessarily to start a deep discussion, but rather to help her sons develop curiosity about how others are thinking and feeling. “Obviously they’re not processing it in the same way we do,” she says, “but the hope is that we’re setting them up to think critically and empathetically as they get older.”

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Embrace diversity

Another key part of instilling empathy is making sure kids are interacting with people who are different than themselves on a regular basis. “It can be hard for kids to make the jump from how they feel when something happens, to how someone else might feel about the same thing,” says Dr. Busman. “And sometimes that’s especially hard when the other person looks or behaves differently than they do.”

One thing that encourages acceptance of differences is activities that give your child the opportunity to play with kids from different backgrounds, races, and physical abilities who share common interests.

It also helps to demystify kids of other genders as early as possible. Parents can help by making sure activities provide ample opportunity for kids to play together and collaborate on an even playing field.

Respect limits on offering affection

Kids should be allowed to decide for themselves if, and when, they want to show affection. “Grandma may be expecting a big hug when she comes over, but we want kids to understand that things like hugs and kisses, whether they’re getting or giving them, should be a choice,” says Dr. Busman.

Parents should avoid pushing kids to be affectionate when they’re not comfortable. But forgoing grandparental smooches doesn’t have to mean being impolite. “Come up with something else your child can do instead,” suggests Dr. Busman. For example, instead of a kiss on the cheek, they could pick something they’re more comfortable with, like waving or shaking hands.

Take your kids’ limits seriously

Really listen when your child tells you what is, and isn’t, okay with them, and take their requests to heart whenever possible. It sounds like a no-brainer, but Dr. Busman explains that dismissing children’s boundaries is often something grown-ups do all the time without even realizing it.

“If a child says they hate being tickled, or picked up, don’t say, ‘Oh come on, you don’t really hate it.’ Instead say, ‘I hear you and I won’t do it again.’”

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I help my child set boundaries?

You can help your child set boundaries by talking with them about their feelings and what others might be feeling. This helps them develop empathy and understand how boundaries can be helpful. You can also teach your child to advocate for themselves by modeling your own boundaries.

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