James Donaldson on Mental Health - Parenting Multiple Kids With Mental Health Challenges

How to maintain a balance of care and support for each child

Writer: Faith Wilkins

Clinical Experts: Megan Ice, PhD , Larisa Litvinov, PhD

Key Takeaways

- While there is no single cause, a combination of genetic and environmental factors may lead to multiple kids in one family having mental health challenges.
- To manage expectations among siblings with differing needs, experts suggest using a reward system for achieving different levels of independence and regularly re-evaluating how much each child can handle.
- Remember to give yourself grace, celebrate the small wins, and seek support from other families who are going through similar challenges.
- Why might multiple siblings have mental health disorders?
- The stress of managing multiple needs
- Identifying the different needs of each child
- Managing expectations for each child
- Handling conflict among siblings  
- The challenge of balancing responsibilities
- The role of family therapy
- How can parents avoid burnout?

As the oldest of three, I look back on my childhood and remember pure chaos. My brothers each entered the world in their own whirlwind of marker-streaked walls, playfighting, and laughter. And while my little brother was a rambunctious child, he often struggled to communicate. By the age of four, he was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). My other brother, the youngest child, became more withdrawn as he got older and started to show signs of learning challenges in school. For my parents, life became a series of occupational therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and crisis management.

“It’s a lot to help one child with a mental health issue, so to have multiple children struggling can feel overwhelming,” says Megan Ice, PhD, a psychologist in the Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. “And it may not be at the same time. Maybe after three years of working with one child, you think you’re finally in the clear, and then the other one starts having difficulties. Parents get burnt out.”

Why might multiple siblings have mental health disorders?

While it’s more likely for a child to have a mental health disorder if another member of the family has one, there’s no single cause. According to researchers, a combination of genetic and environmental factors are likely at play here. For instance, over 50 percent of children with parents who have severe mental health disorders develop their own mental health issues before early adulthood. And environmental factors such as trauma, bullying, and substance use can trigger mental health challenges in children.

“Parents will sometimes blame themselves when multiple kids have a mental illness,” Dr. Ice says. “But siblings might have shared experiences and adversity — going through the COVID-19 pandemic, for example — that are unrelated to the way they’re parenting.” 

The stress of managing multiple needs

When you have multiple kids with mental health challenges, it can be hard to keep up with care and attention.

“One child might have more challenges than the other right now,” says Larisa Litvinov, PhD, a senior psychologist and director of the ADHD and Behavior Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. “So then you’re focused on that child. But then the other child is like, ‘Well what about me?’ That really becomes a challenge — how do you support multiple kids? It just gets really exhausting.”

And while it’s normal for one child to have a lot of needs that require more attention from parents at the time, says Dr. Ice, parents can be on the alert to recognize when the balance is starting to shift. This way, they can take steps to make sure the other child is still being seen and heard. “This may look like leaning on your village, asking friends or trusted neighbors to help with pick up and drop off from school, or having someone help you get your child to a scheduled appointment,” Dr. Ice explains. “Finding those supports early on can be crucial, so that all the kids are able to feel like their needs are being taken care of.”

This can also allow parents to spend more one-one-one time with each child. That could be all they’re really looking for, says Dr. Litvinov. “Sometimes they’re not getting enough time with the parents, because they’re so busy taking care of the other child. Having that quality time can be really important.”

Identifying the different needs of each child

Another issue that comes up often, says Dr. Ice, is that experiences the parents have had with the first child influence how they parent the second one. “If that first child has been more impulsive, has displayed more risk-taking, more oppositionality, parents can become nervous that the second child will also have those difficulties,” she explains. “They might impose tougher rules, more restrictions, higher expectations. This can feel really challenging for the younger sibling who may be struggling with a different mental health disorder and hasn’t shown any difficulties with risk taking or impulsivity.”

In this case, says Dr. Ice, caregivers will need to check in with themselves. “You can ask yourself, ‘Is this my anxiety talking, or is this what this child needs to be able to be safe?’ Let them demonstrate what level of independence you can give them. Because kids learn from making their own mistakes.”

Managing expectations for each child

Parents may also struggle to set “fair” or appropriate expectations for behavior when children have different abilities, based on their mental health challenges.

“It can be hard to know what expectations to hold for the different children in the family, especially if one has differing executive functioning and cognitive abilities than the other,” says Dr. Ice.

She finds it helpful to frame expectations as a reward for achieving a level of independence. “So that way the child is actually excited about an additional responsibility that they have, rather than feeling it’s unfair that their sibling who has executive function challenges doesn’t have to do that.”

For kids with mental health struggles, says Dr. Ice, it’s also necessary to continuously re-evaluate the level of challenge each child can handle. “We always think of this as a linear thing. Each year there’s going to be a new thing that the child will be able to do. But really it can vary. For example, when someone is depressed, their motivation to do things is going to be lower and their ability to initiate a task is harder,” she explains. “It’s important to recognize when one child can do more chores, for instance, while the other may need to do less until they’re in a better space.” So being flexible and validating the feelings of the other children when those expectations change and fluctuate can be really helpful.

Handling conflict among siblings  

At times, the differences in needs among children can cause resentment and tension. Dr. Ice recalls working with a family where a child had begun to lash out because he wasn’t receiving the same amount of attention as his younger brother. “Often younger siblings require so much more attention because they have fewer skills. Older children are frustrated with the expectations they are held to, especially if a sibling grabs a toy out of their hand, makes a mess, or gets hurt,” she explains.

Dr. Ice describes working on strengthening the siblings’ relationship and helping them develop conflict resolution skills. “At the same time, we worked with their mom to be able to structure her downtime between the kids better.”

Dr. Litvinov also emphasizes the importance of praising good collaboration between siblings. She reflects on working with a family where there were three siblings with different mental health challenges. The youngest one was consistently having tantrums. “One day, the mom was dropping off the kids at camp and he really didn’t want to go. He was throwing another tantrum. Then one of his sisters took his little hand and went, ‘It’s all right, we’re going to go. And it will be okay.’ He calmed down. And so, you really want to praise those types of behaviors.”

But you want to make sure that neither child goes into caretaking mode, she warns.

The challenge of balancing responsibilities

In a two-parent household, says Dr. Ice, one caregiver often takes on the primary role and the other is less engaged. “Typically, more of the work has been put on the parent who’s seen at being ‘good at dealing with emotions,’” she explains. “And so often one of the interventions we do is to bolster the non-engaged parents in doing some of that work so that it’s not all falling on that one parent. If you can help make it so that both parents are good at talking to the kid about their feelings, then the parents are not as overwhelmed by it. And they can better support each other.”

Dr. Litvinov adds that the stress of caring for multiple children with different mental health needs can make it hard for parents to feel connected. “If you’re trying to get to all of these appointments, keep track of your children’s needs, and give each kid one-on-one time, there’s often not a lot of time for a date night.”

She notes that sharing the load can allow parents to spend quality time together. “Figuring out how to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself, and making time for you and your partner, can really make a difference in being able to be your best self for the children.”

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

The role of family therapy

When multiple children within the home have differing mental health challenges, there may be certain family dynamics that are contributing to or perpetuating symptoms, says Dr. Ice. So clinicians will often recommend family therapy.

Dr. Ice recalls working with a family who initially came in for one child who was displaying aggressive behaviors towards their siblings. “In the process of understanding what was driving that behavior, we learned that their brother had just recently been diagnosed with PANDAS and was having his own difficulties with emotion regulation. He now required a lot more attention from mom. So, we began to work with the whole family.”

She describes family therapy as a process where the clinician first identifies what parts of the family dynamic are perpetuating these challenges or dysfunctional behaviors and then having each member of the family change something to change that family dynamic. The changes required can differ based on the mental health disorder. 

How can parents avoid burnout?

Parents can start to blame themselves for their children’s issues, especially when it seems to be one thing after the other, says Dr. Ice. “They may feel like nothing they do is going to work, they’re not good parents, or something they did is what’s causing this. They start to feel hopeless.”

Dr. Ice encourages caregivers to give themselves grace. “I think it’s so important that caregivers recognize how hard this is. They’re human too and a lot of times they’re learning these skills at the same time as the kids. And so really practicing self-compassion first in all moments of the day is really helpful.”

She wants to remind parents to celebrate the small wins. “A lot of times you may hear friends talking about the impressive things their children are doing, and then you may feel like the accomplishments happening in your own home are nonexistent.” But, she says, remember to think about how far your child has come since the start of treatment. “Think about some of the changes you’ve seen over time, no matter how small. Maybe they were able to try a new food for dinner today that they never would’ve tried a year ago.”

Dr. Ice also notes the importance of bringing the fun back into parenting. “Helping parents enjoy being with their child again is an important part of treatment,” she explains. “Then they can start to feel hopeful that things can improve and that engaging in treatment could actually be effective. They’re a different person than when treatment started and so is their child.” 

Additionally, says Dr. Ice, it can be really helpful for parents to join support groups. There, they can connect with others who are also raising multiple children with mental health challenges. Not only does this remind parents that they’re not alone, but it can also provide parents with access to tools that will help them navigate their children’s issues. “The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a good resource for families, because it has chapters across the country.”

Frequently Asked Questions

Why might multiple siblings have mental health disorders?

While it’s more likely for a child to have a mental health disorder if another family member has one, there isn’t a single cause. Researchers point to a mix of genetic and environmental factors. For example, over half of children with parents who have severe mental health disorders develop their own before early adulthood. Traumatic experiences such as bullying or the COVID-19 pandemic can also play a role.

How can parents manage the stress of multiple kids’ needs?

How can parents set expectations fairly for children with different abilities?

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-parenting-multiple-kids-with-mental-health-challenges/

How to maintain a balance of care and support for each child

Writer: Faith Wilkins

Clinical Experts: Megan Ice, PhD , Larisa Litvinov, PhD

Key Takeaways

- While there is no single cause, a combination of genetic and environmental factors may lead to multiple kids in one family having mental health challenges.

- To manage expectations among siblings with differing needs, experts suggest using a reward system for achieving different levels of independence and regularly re-evaluating how much each child can handle.

- Remember to give yourself grace, celebrate the small wins, and seek support from other families who are going through similar challenges.

- Why might multiple siblings have mental health disorders?

- The stress of managing multiple needs

- Identifying the different needs of each child

- Managing expectations for each child

- Handling conflict among siblings  

- The challenge of balancing responsibilities

- The role of family therapy

- How can parents avoid burnout?

As the oldest of three, I look back on my childhood and remember pure chaos. My brothers each entered the world in their own whirlwind of marker-streaked walls, playfighting, and laughter. And while my little brother was a rambunctious child, he often struggled to communicate. By the age of four, he was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). My other brother, the youngest child, became more withdrawn as he got older and started to show signs of learning challenges in school. For my parents, life became a series of occupational therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and crisis management.

“It’s a lot to help one child with a mental health issue, so to have multiple children struggling can feel overwhelming,” says Megan Ice, PhD, a psychologist in the Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. “And it may not be at the same time. Maybe after three years of working with one child, you think you’re finally in the clear, and then the other one starts having difficulties. Parents get burnt out.”

Why might multiple siblings have mental health disorders?

While it’s more likely for a child to have a mental health disorder if another member of the family has one, there’s no single cause. According to researchers, a combination of genetic and environmental factors are likely at play here. For instance, over 50 percent of children with parents who have severe mental health disorders develop their own mental health issues before early adulthood. And environmental factors such as trauma, bullying, and substance use can trigger mental health challenges in children.

“Parents will sometimes blame themselves when multiple kids have a mental illness,” Dr. Ice says. “But siblings might have shared experiences and adversity — going through the COVID-19 pandemic, for example — that are unrelated to the way they’re parenting.” 

The stress of managing multiple needs

When you have multiple kids with mental health challenges, it can be hard to keep up with care and attention.

“One child might have more challenges than the other right now,” says Larisa Litvinov, PhD, a senior psychologist and director of the ADHD and Behavior Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. “So then you’re focused on that child. But then the other child is like, ‘Well what about me?’ That really becomes a challenge — how do you support multiple kids? It just gets really exhausting.”

And while it’s normal for one child to have a lot of needs that require more attention from parents at the time, says Dr. Ice, parents can be on the alert to recognize when the balance is starting to shift. This way, they can take steps to make sure the other child is still being seen and heard. “This may look like leaning on your village, asking friends or trusted neighbors to help with pick up and drop off from school, or having someone help you get your child to a scheduled appointment,” Dr. Ice explains. “Finding those supports early on can be crucial, so that all the kids are able to feel like their needs are being taken care of.”

This can also allow parents to spend more one-one-one time with each child. That could be all they’re really looking for, says Dr. Litvinov. “Sometimes they’re not getting enough time with the parents, because they’re so busy taking care of the other child. Having that quality time can be really important.”

Identifying the different needs of each child

Another issue that comes up often, says Dr. Ice, is that experiences the parents have had with the first child influence how they parent the second one. “If that first child has been more impulsive, has displayed more risk-taking, more oppositionality, parents can become nervous that the second child will also have those difficulties,” she explains. “They might impose tougher rules, more restrictions, higher expectations. This can feel really challenging for the younger sibling who may be struggling with a different mental health disorder and hasn’t shown any difficulties with risk taking or impulsivity.”

In this case, says Dr. Ice, caregivers will need to check in with themselves. “You can ask yourself, ‘Is this my anxiety talking, or is this what this child needs to be able to be safe?’ Let them demonstrate what level of independence you can give them. Because kids learn from making their own mistakes.”

Managing expectations for each child

Parents may also struggle to set “fair” or appropriate expectations for behavior when children have different abilities, based on their mental health challenges.

“It can be hard to know what expectations to hold for the different children in the family, especially if one has differing executive functioning and cognitive abilities than the other,” says Dr. Ice.

She finds it helpful to frame expectations as a reward for achieving a level of independence. “So that way the child is actually excited about an additional responsibility that they have, rather than feeling it’s unfair that their sibling who has executive function challenges doesn’t have to do that.”

For kids with mental health struggles, says Dr. Ice, it’s also necessary to continuously re-evaluate the level of challenge each child can handle. “We always think of this as a linear thing. Each year there’s going to be a new thing that the child will be able to do. But really it can vary. For example, when someone is depressed, their motivation to do things is going to be lower and their ability to initiate a task is harder,” she explains. “It’s important to recognize when one child can do more chores, for instance, while the other may need to do less until they’re in a better space.” So being flexible and validating the feelings of the other children when those expectations change and fluctuate can be really helpful.

Handling conflict among siblings  

At times, the differences in needs among children can cause resentment and tension. Dr. Ice recalls working with a family where a child had begun to lash out because he wasn’t receiving the same amount of attention as his younger brother. “Often younger siblings require so much more attention because they have fewer skills. Older children are frustrated with the expectations they are held to, especially if a sibling grabs a toy out of their hand, makes a mess, or gets hurt,” she explains.

Dr. Ice describes working on strengthening the siblings’ relationship and helping them develop conflict resolution skills. “At the same time, we worked with their mom to be able to structure her downtime between the kids better.”

Dr. Litvinov also emphasizes the importance of praising good collaboration between siblings. She reflects on working with a family where there were three siblings with different mental health challenges. The youngest one was consistently having tantrums. “One day, the mom was dropping off the kids at camp and he really didn’t want to go. He was throwing another tantrum. Then one of his sisters took his little hand and went, ‘It’s all right, we’re going to go. And it will be okay.’ He calmed down. And so, you really want to praise those types of behaviors.”

But you want to make sure that neither child goes into caretaking mode, she warns.

The challenge of balancing responsibilities

In a two-parent household, says Dr. Ice, one caregiver often takes on the primary role and the other is less engaged. “Typically, more of the work has been put on the parent who’s seen at being ‘good at dealing with emotions,’” she explains. “And so often one of the interventions we do is to bolster the non-engaged parents in doing some of that work so that it’s not all falling on that one parent. If you can help make it so that both parents are good at talking to the kid about their feelings, then the parents are not as overwhelmed by it. And they can better support each other.”

Dr. Litvinov adds that the stress of caring for multiple children with different mental health needs can make it hard for parents to feel connected. “If you’re trying to get to all of these appointments, keep track of your children’s needs, and give each kid one-on-one time, there’s often not a lot of time for a date night.”

She notes that sharing the load can allow parents to spend quality time together. “Figuring out how to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself, and making time for you and your partner, can really make a difference in being able to be your best self for the children.”

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

The role of family therapy

When multiple children within the home have differing mental health challenges, there may be certain family dynamics that are contributing to or perpetuating symptoms, says Dr. Ice. So clinicians will often recommend family therapy.

Dr. Ice recalls working with a family who initially came in for one child who was displaying aggressive behaviors towards their siblings. “In the process of understanding what was driving that behavior, we learned that their brother had just recently been diagnosed with PANDAS and was having his own difficulties with emotion regulation. He now required a lot more attention from mom. So, we began to work with the whole family.”

She describes family therapy as a process where the clinician first identifies what parts of the family dynamic are perpetuating these challenges or dysfunctional behaviors and then having each member of the family change something to change that family dynamic. The changes required can differ based on the mental health disorder. 

How can parents avoid burnout?

Parents can start to blame themselves for their children’s issues, especially when it seems to be one thing after the other, says Dr. Ice. “They may feel like nothing they do is going to work, they’re not good parents, or something they did is what’s causing this. They start to feel hopeless.”

Dr. Ice encourages caregivers to give themselves grace. “I think it’s so important that caregivers recognize how hard this is. They’re human too and a lot of times they’re learning these skills at the same time as the kids. And so really practicing self-compassion first in all moments of the day is really helpful.”

She wants to remind parents to celebrate the small wins. “A lot of times you may hear friends talking about the impressive things their children are doing, and then you may feel like the accomplishments happening in your own home are nonexistent.” But, she says, remember to think about how far your child has come since the start of treatment. “Think about some of the changes you’ve seen over time, no matter how small. Maybe they were able to try a new food for dinner today that they never would’ve tried a year ago.”

Dr. Ice also notes the importance of bringing the fun back into parenting. “Helping parents enjoy being with their child again is an important part of treatment,” she explains. “Then they can start to feel hopeful that things can improve and that engaging in treatment could actually be effective. They’re a different person than when treatment started and so is their child.” 

Additionally, says Dr. Ice, it can be really helpful for parents to join support groups. There, they can connect with others who are also raising multiple children with mental health challenges. Not only does this remind parents that they’re not alone, but it can also provide parents with access to tools that will help them navigate their children’s issues. “The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a good resource for families, because it has chapters across the country.”

Frequently Asked Questions

Why might multiple siblings have mental health disorders?

While it’s more likely for a child to have a mental health disorder if another family member has one, there isn’t a single cause. Researchers point to a mix of genetic and environmental factors. For example, over half of children with parents who have severe mental health disorders develop their own before early adulthood. Traumatic experiences such as bullying or the COVID-19 pandemic can also play a role.

How can parents manage the stress of multiple kids’ needs?

How can parents set expectations fairly for children with different abilities? https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-parenting-multiple-kids-with-mental-health-challenges/

How to maintain a balance of care and support for each child

Writer: Faith Wilkins

Clinical Experts: Megan Ice, PhD , Larisa Litvinov, PhD

Key Takeaways

- While there is no single cause, a combination of genetic and environmental factors may lead to multiple kids in one family having mental health challenges.

- To manage expectations among siblings with differing needs, experts suggest using a reward system for achieving different levels of independence and regularly re-evaluating how much each child can handle.

- Remember to give yourself grace, celebrate the small wins, and seek support from other families who are going through similar challenges.

- Why might multiple siblings have mental health disorders?

- The stress of managing multiple needs

- Identifying the different needs of each child

- Managing expectations for each child

- Handling conflict among siblings  

- The challenge of balancing responsibilities

- The role of family therapy

- How can parents avoid burnout?

As the oldest of three, I look back on my childhood and remember pure chaos. My brothers each entered the world in their own whirlwind of marker-streaked walls, playfighting, and laughter. And while my little brother was a rambunctious child, he often struggled to communicate. By the age of four, he was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). My other brother, the youngest child, became more withdrawn as he got older and started to show signs of learning challenges in school. For my parents, life became a series of occupational therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and crisis management.

“It’s a lot to help one child with a mental health issue, so to have multiple children struggling can feel overwhelming,” says Megan Ice, PhD, a psychologist in the Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. “And it may not be at the same time. Maybe after three years of working with one child, you think you’re finally in the clear, and then the other one starts having difficulties. Parents get burnt out.”

Why might multiple siblings have mental health disorders?

While it’s more likely for a child to have a mental health disorder if another member of the family has one, there’s no single cause. According to researchers, a combination of genetic and environmental factors are likely at play here. For instance, over 50 percent of children with parents who have severe mental health disorders develop their own mental health issues before early adulthood. And environmental factors such as trauma, bullying, and substance use can trigger mental health challenges in children.

“Parents will sometimes blame themselves when multiple kids have a mental illness,” Dr. Ice says. “But siblings might have shared experiences and adversity — going through the COVID-19 pandemic, for example — that are unrelated to the way they’re parenting.” 

The stress of managing multiple needs

When you have multiple kids with mental health challenges, it can be hard to keep up with care and attention.

“One child might have more challenges than the other right now,” says Larisa Litvinov, PhD, a senior psychologist and director of the ADHD and Behavior Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. “So then you’re focused on that child. But then the other child is like, ‘Well what about me?’ That really becomes a challenge — how do you support multiple kids? It just gets really exhausting.”

And while it’s normal for one child to have a lot of needs that require more attention from parents at the time, says Dr. Ice, parents can be on the alert to recognize when the balance is starting to shift. This way, they can take steps to make sure the other child is still being seen and heard. “This may look like leaning on your village, asking friends or trusted neighbors to help with pick up and drop off from school, or having someone help you get your child to a scheduled appointment,” Dr. Ice explains. “Finding those supports early on can be crucial, so that all the kids are able to feel like their needs are being taken care of.”

This can also allow parents to spend more one-one-one time with each child. That could be all they’re really looking for, says Dr. Litvinov. “Sometimes they’re not getting enough time with the parents, because they’re so busy taking care of the other child. Having that quality time can be really important.”

Identifying the different needs of each child

Another issue that comes up often, says Dr. Ice, is that experiences the parents have had with the first child influence how they parent the second one. “If that first child has been more impulsive, has displayed more risk-taking, more oppositionality, parents can become nervous that the second child will also have those difficulties,” she explains. “They might impose tougher rules, more restrictions, higher expectations. This can feel really challenging for the younger sibling who may be struggling with a different mental health disorder and hasn’t shown any difficulties with risk taking or impulsivity.”

In this case, says Dr. Ice, caregivers will need to check in with themselves. “You can ask yourself, ‘Is this my anxiety talking, or is this what this child needs to be able to be safe?’ Let them demonstrate what level of independence you can give them. Because kids learn from making their own mistakes.”

Managing expectations for each child

Parents may also struggle to set “fair” or appropriate expectations for behavior when children have different abilities, based on their mental health challenges.

“It can be hard to know what expectations to hold for the different children in the family, especially if one has differing executive functioning and cognitive abilities than the other,” says Dr. Ice.

She finds it helpful to frame expectations as a reward for achieving a level of independence. “So that way the child is actually excited about an additional responsibility that they have, rather than feeling it’s unfair that their sibling who has executive function challenges doesn’t have to do that.”

For kids with mental health struggles, says Dr. Ice, it’s also necessary to continuously re-evaluate the level of challenge each child can handle. “We always think of this as a linear thing. Each year there’s going to be a new thing that the child will be able to do. But really it can vary. For example, when someone is depressed, their motivation to do things is going to be lower and their ability to initiate a task is harder,” she explains. “It’s important to recognize when one child can do more chores, for instance, while the other may need to do less until they’re in a better space.” So being flexible and validating the feelings of the other children when those expectations change and fluctuate can be really helpful.

Handling conflict among siblings  

At times, the differences in needs among children can cause resentment and tension. Dr. Ice recalls working with a family where a child had begun to lash out because he wasn’t receiving the same amount of attention as his younger brother. “Often younger siblings require so much more attention because they have fewer skills. Older children are frustrated with the expectations they are held to, especially if a sibling grabs a toy out of their hand, makes a mess, or gets hurt,” she explains.

Dr. Ice describes working on strengthening the siblings’ relationship and helping them develop conflict resolution skills. “At the same time, we worked with their mom to be able to structure her downtime between the kids better.”

Dr. Litvinov also emphasizes the importance of praising good collaboration between siblings. She reflects on working with a family where there were three siblings with different mental health challenges. The youngest one was consistently having tantrums. “One day, the mom was dropping off the kids at camp and he really didn’t want to go. He was throwing another tantrum. Then one of his sisters took his little hand and went, ‘It’s all right, we’re going to go. And it will be okay.’ He calmed down. And so, you really want to praise those types of behaviors.”

But you want to make sure that neither child goes into caretaking mode, she warns.

The challenge of balancing responsibilities

In a two-parent household, says Dr. Ice, one caregiver often takes on the primary role and the other is less engaged. “Typically, more of the work has been put on the parent who’s seen at being ‘good at dealing with emotions,’” she explains. “And so often one of the interventions we do is to bolster the non-engaged parents in doing some of that work so that it’s not all falling on that one parent. If you can help make it so that both parents are good at talking to the kid about their feelings, then the parents are not as overwhelmed by it. And they can better support each other.”

Dr. Litvinov adds that the stress of caring for multiple children with different mental health needs can make it hard for parents to feel connected. “If you’re trying to get to all of these appointments, keep track of your children’s needs, and give each kid one-on-one time, there’s often not a lot of time for a date night.”

She notes that sharing the load can allow parents to spend quality time together. “Figuring out how to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself, and making time for you and your partner, can really make a difference in being able to be your best self for the children.”

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

The role of family therapy

When multiple children within the home have differing mental health challenges, there may be certain family dynamics that are contributing to or perpetuating symptoms, says Dr. Ice. So clinicians will often recommend family therapy.

Dr. Ice recalls working with a family who initially came in for one child who was displaying aggressive behaviors towards their siblings. “In the process of understanding what was driving that behavior, we learned that their brother had just recently been diagnosed with PANDAS and was having his own difficulties with emotion regulation. He now required a lot more attention from mom. So, we began to work with the whole family.”

She describes family therapy as a process where the clinician first identifies what parts of the family dynamic are perpetuating these challenges or dysfunctional behaviors and then having each member of the family change something to change that family dynamic. The changes required can differ based on the mental health disorder. 

How can parents avoid burnout?

Parents can start to blame themselves for their children’s issues, especially when it seems to be one thing after the other, says Dr. Ice. “They may feel like nothing they do is going to work, they’re not good parents, or something they did is what’s causing this. They start to feel hopeless.”

Dr. Ice encourages caregivers to give themselves grace. “I think it’s so important that caregivers recognize how hard this is. They’re human too and a lot of times they’re learning these skills at the same time as the kids. And so really practicing self-compassion first in all moments of the day is really helpful.”

She wants to remind parents to celebrate the small wins. “A lot of times you may hear friends talking about the impressive things their children are doing, and then you may feel like the accomplishments happening in your own home are nonexistent.” But, she says, remember to think about how far your child has come since the start of treatment. “Think about some of the changes you’ve seen over time, no matter how small. Maybe they were able to try a new food for dinner today that they never would’ve tried a year ago.”

Dr. Ice also notes the importance of bringing the fun back into parenting. “Helping parents enjoy being with their child again is an important part of treatment,” she explains. “Then they can start to feel hopeful that things can improve and that engaging in treatment could actually be effective. They’re a different person than when treatment started and so is their child.” 

Additionally, says Dr. Ice, it can be really helpful for parents to join support groups. There, they can connect with others who are also raising multiple children with mental health challenges. Not only does this remind parents that they’re not alone, but it can also provide parents with access to tools that will help them navigate their children’s issues. “The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a good resource for families, because it has chapters across the country.”

Frequently Asked Questions

Why might multiple siblings have mental health disorders?

While it’s more likely for a child to have a mental health disorder if another family member has one, there isn’t a single cause. Researchers point to a mix of genetic and environmental factors. For example, over half of children with parents who have severe mental health disorders develop their own before early adulthood. Traumatic experiences such as bullying or the COVID-19 pandemic can also play a role.

How can parents manage the stress of multiple kids’ needs?

How can parents set expectations fairly for children with different abilities? https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=15584

James Donaldson on Mental Health - How Early Puberty Affects Children’s Mental Health

Tips for supporting kids through a challenging transition

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Writer: Jessica Souza

Clinical Experts: Sandra L. Whitehouse, PhD , Paul Mitrani, MD, PhD

What You'll Learn

- What is early puberty?
- What are the mental health impacts of early puberty?
- How can parents help kids experiencing early puberty?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- What makes early puberty difficult?
- What are the mental health impacts of early puberty?
- How can you help your child manage early puberty?
- When should parents seek mental health support?

The average age of puberty in the United States is dropping. Early puberty, or a child’s body maturing at an unusually early age – generally before age 8 for girls and 9 for boys – can cause anxiety, depression, and body image issues. It’s important for parents to understand the emotional changes that accompany puberty so they can help their children cope. 

Puberty causes physical and mental changes. In early puberty, children do not yet have the tools to cope with the intense and overwhelming feelings that often come with puberty. This can cause moodiness and outbursts. 

At this stage of development, children form their identities and want to fit in. They can feel uncomfortable and alienated if they don’t see their peers’ bodies changing too. Early maturation can also make children look older, leading to unwanted sexual attention or unrealistic behavioral expectations.  

Research indicates that anxiety and depression related to early puberty may affect girls more than boys, as early physical growth could act as a social advantage for boys. But boys may experience feelings of aggression and a sudden sexual drive that they might not know how to manage. Children who are transgender or nonbinary may feel even more distress as the changes in their bodies don’t align with their gender identity.  

Parents can help by talking to their kids before puberty starts. Removing stigma and teaching children what is happening to them can keep the conversation open and give them a chance to ask questions. Modeling healthy coping skills at home is an excellent way to help kids learn to handle their feelings. If your child struggles to communicate about their experiences with early puberty or manage its effects, treatment like cognitive behavioral therapy can be effective. 

Puberty is an intense time of transition for all children and adolescents, but it can be especially difficult for younger kids who are experiencing early puberty.

Early puberty, also called precocious puberty, is when a child’s body begins to mature at an unusually young age — generally before age 8 for girls and age 9 for boys. Until recently, the average age for puberty was age 11 for girls and age 12 for boys, but now many experts consider any age above 8 or 9 to be normal. Experts cite many possible causes for early puberty, including genetics, nutrition and/or obesity, environmental cues, and trauma. Early puberty can cause emotional distress and increase the risks for mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

Many studies indicate that the average age of puberty in the United States is falling. As more and more children are maturing earlier than expected, it’s important for parents to understand the emotional changes that puberty brings, and how to help kids develop coping skills to prevent long-term negative impacts.

What makes early puberty difficult?

Children experiencing early puberty may be going through physical and mental changes before they’re emotionally mature enough to handle them. Sandra L. Whitehouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, explains: “With precocious puberty, they don’t have the executive functioning or self-control that would allow them to manage their intense feelings. It’s like a car where the accelerator is fully online, but kids can’t reach the brakes or steering.”

Beyond the physical transitions that come with puberty, there are emotional and social changes as well. Pubescent kids are starting to think about their identity — who they are, what they like, who they’re attracted to. They may have overwhelming feelings, moodiness, and outbursts. Their relationship with their parents may become strained.

It’s common at this stage of development to desperately want to fit in with your peers. Paul Mitrani, MD, PhD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at the Child Mind Institute, says that kids may feel uncomfortable because their bodies are changing before their peers’ bodies. “It is a time where you really want to be like your friends, and if you can’t be, that can cause a lot more stress.”

Children going through early puberty may experience bullying or sexual harassment (especially girls). They also may find that some people think they’re older than they really are, which can lead to unrealistic behavioral expectations and risk of early exposure to mature behaviors like sexual activity and drug use.

“When someone assumes you’re older than you are, you’re exposed to different things and they may treat you in a different way,” Dr. Mitrani explains. “And you may be ostracized from kids your age if you’re taller or more developed.”

What are the mental health impacts of early puberty?

Early puberty puts children at an increased risk for emotional and mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and poor body image or body dysmorphia.

As they continue to mature, children who went through early puberty may also be more likely to abuse substances, engage in earlier sexual activity (which is associated with higher risks of teen pregnancy), and suffer from eating disorders.

“It’s like you’re trying to fit into a certain mold, and when you can’t, sometimes you’re self-medicating or you’re doing other things to try to control your body,” explains Dr. Mitrani.

There can be important gender differences in the psychological impacts of early puberty. Some research indicates that early-developing girls seem to be more vulnerable to anxiety and depression, and that they can carry that risk for several years. For boys, early puberty may not be as distressing. “Early-maturing boys have some social advantages because they’re bigger and stronger,” explains Dr. Whitehouse.

But that doesn’t mean that boys aren’t at risk for emotional issues. With increased testosterone, they may have stronger emotions, a possible increase in aggressive behavior, and a sudden sex drive that they might not know how to manage. Since early puberty may cause stunted growth, boys may feel self-conscious about their height later on if they end up being shorter than their peers.

And for children who are transgender or nonbinary — who often experience extreme distress called gender dysphoria — puberty at any age can be especially difficult, and early puberty can exacerbate their challenges. “If you have gender dysphoria and your body is changing into something that is not aligned with your gender identity,” Dr.Mitrani adds, “it’s just going to be that much more stressful.”

A child’s racial or ethnic identity can also shape how early puberty impacts them. For example, Black girls often experience what’s called adultification bias — they’re perceived as less innocent and are expected to act older than they are. This can result in harsher discipline at school for the same infractions as their white counterparts. Undergoing early puberty only exacerbates this unfair treatment.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

How can you help your child manage early puberty?

Parents can’t control the changes that puberty will bring, but there are many ways to help your child prepare for and manage the transition.

Regardless of their age, when you first start to notice that your child is showing signs of puberty, it’s best to check in with your pediatrician. For girls, puberty usually begins with growing breasts and underarm or pubic hair. For boys, larger testicles and body hair may be the first signs.

But the best way to help prepare your child for puberty starts long before the signs appear. “The earlier you can talk about these things in an age-appropriate way, the better,” says Dr. Mitrani. Start discussing puberty with your child early, even around seven or eight years old. It’s important to remove any stigma around it and allow your child to ask questions.

Keep in mind that you don’t have to explain everything to them at once. In fact, that might overwhelm or confuse them. Take it slowly and let your child’s questions guide the conversation.

“If your kid has a question, ask them why they want to know. Try to get more information about what they’re asking you, and just give them the information that they’re asking for,” advises Dr. Mitrani. “You want to have these conversations early, but you also want to read the room.”

When should parents seek mental health support?

If your child is undergoing early puberty and you’re concerned about their mental health, you can help arm them with coping skills. And consulting with a therapist is often an effective way to do that.

“A lot of what therapy is all about —cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy — is teaching kids the skills they need to become aware of themselves and aware of their emotions,” explains Dr. Whitehouse. “And to learn strategies for recognizing when they’re having thoughts that maybe they could challenge.”

Parents can start teaching these skills early on, but during puberty, communicating effectively with your child can get harder.

“The relationship gets stressed when puberty hits, because naturally thedevelopmental task of teenagers is to separate and individuate from their parents,” Dr. Whitehouse says. “So they have a harder time talking to their parents, and there’s more conflict where there used to not be. Parents feel like their child was just taken over by a monster, and kids feel the same way about their parents! And so a therapist can help to bridge the communication.”

It’s also helpful for parents to reinforce coping skills and emotional regulation at home. One of the best ways is to model healthy coping skills themselves, since children pick up behavior patterns from the adults around them.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can early puberty cause mental health problems?

What problems come with early puberty?

Are girls who mature early affected more than boys who mature early?

Research indicates that anxiety and depression related to early puberty may affect girls more than boys, as early physical growth could act as a social advantage for boys. But boys may experience feelings of aggression and a sudden sexual drive that they might not know how to manage. 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-how-early-puberty-affects-childrens-mental-health-2/

Tips for supporting kids through a challenging transition

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Writer: Jessica Souza

Clinical Experts: Sandra L. Whitehouse, PhD , Paul Mitrani, MD, PhD

What You'll Learn

- What is early puberty?

- What are the mental health impacts of early puberty?

- How can parents help kids experiencing early puberty?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- What makes early puberty difficult?

- What are the mental health impacts of early puberty?

- How can you help your child manage early puberty?

- When should parents seek mental health support?

The average age of puberty in the United States is dropping. Early puberty, or a child’s body maturing at an unusually early age – generally before age 8 for girls and 9 for boys – can cause anxiety, depression, and body image issues. It’s important for parents to understand the emotional changes that accompany puberty so they can help their children cope. 

Puberty causes physical and mental changes. In early puberty, children do not yet have the tools to cope with the intense and overwhelming feelings that often come with puberty. This can cause moodiness and outbursts. 

At this stage of development, children form their identities and want to fit in. They can feel uncomfortable and alienated if they don’t see their peers’ bodies changing too. Early maturation can also make children look older, leading to unwanted sexual attention or unrealistic behavioral expectations.  

Research indicates that anxiety and depression related to early puberty may affect girls more than boys, as early physical growth could act as a social advantage for boys. But boys may experience feelings of aggression and a sudden sexual drive that they might not know how to manage. Children who are transgender or nonbinary may feel even more distress as the changes in their bodies don’t align with their gender identity.  

Parents can help by talking to their kids before puberty starts. Removing stigma and teaching children what is happening to them can keep the conversation open and give them a chance to ask questions. Modeling healthy coping skills at home is an excellent way to help kids learn to handle their feelings. If your child struggles to communicate about their experiences with early puberty or manage its effects, treatment like cognitive behavioral therapy can be effective. 

Puberty is an intense time of transition for all children and adolescents, but it can be especially difficult for younger kids who are experiencing early puberty.

Early puberty, also called precocious puberty, is when a child’s body begins to mature at an unusually young age — generally before age 8 for girls and age 9 for boys. Until recently, the average age for puberty was age 11 for girls and age 12 for boys, but now many experts consider any age above 8 or 9 to be normal. Experts cite many possible causes for early puberty, including genetics, nutrition and/or obesity, environmental cues, and trauma. Early puberty can cause emotional distress and increase the risks for mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

Many studies indicate that the average age of puberty in the United States is falling. As more and more children are maturing earlier than expected, it’s important for parents to understand the emotional changes that puberty brings, and how to help kids develop coping skills to prevent long-term negative impacts.

What makes early puberty difficult?

Children experiencing early puberty may be going through physical and mental changes before they’re emotionally mature enough to handle them. Sandra L. Whitehouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, explains: “With precocious puberty, they don’t have the executive functioning or self-control that would allow them to manage their intense feelings. It’s like a car where the accelerator is fully online, but kids can’t reach the brakes or steering.”

Beyond the physical transitions that come with puberty, there are emotional and social changes as well. Pubescent kids are starting to think about their identity — who they are, what they like, who they’re attracted to. They may have overwhelming feelings, moodiness, and outbursts. Their relationship with their parents may become strained.

It’s common at this stage of development to desperately want to fit in with your peers. Paul Mitrani, MD, PhD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at the Child Mind Institute, says that kids may feel uncomfortable because their bodies are changing before their peers’ bodies. “It is a time where you really want to be like your friends, and if you can’t be, that can cause a lot more stress.”

Children going through early puberty may experience bullying or sexual harassment (especially girls). They also may find that some people think they’re older than they really are, which can lead to unrealistic behavioral expectations and risk of early exposure to mature behaviors like sexual activity and drug use.

“When someone assumes you’re older than you are, you’re exposed to different things and they may treat you in a different way,” Dr. Mitrani explains. “And you may be ostracized from kids your age if you’re taller or more developed.”

What are the mental health impacts of early puberty?

Early puberty puts children at an increased risk for emotional and mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and poor body image or body dysmorphia.

As they continue to mature, children who went through early puberty may also be more likely to abuse substances, engage in earlier sexual activity (which is associated with higher risks of teen pregnancy), and suffer from eating disorders.

“It’s like you’re trying to fit into a certain mold, and when you can’t, sometimes you’re self-medicating or you’re doing other things to try to control your body,” explains Dr. Mitrani.

There can be important gender differences in the psychological impacts of early puberty. Some research indicates that early-developing girls seem to be more vulnerable to anxiety and depression, and that they can carry that risk for several years. For boys, early puberty may not be as distressing. “Early-maturing boys have some social advantages because they’re bigger and stronger,” explains Dr. Whitehouse.

But that doesn’t mean that boys aren’t at risk for emotional issues. With increased testosterone, they may have stronger emotions, a possible increase in aggressive behavior, and a sudden sex drive that they might not know how to manage. Since early puberty may cause stunted growth, boys may feel self-conscious about their height later on if they end up being shorter than their peers.

And for children who are transgender or nonbinary — who often experience extreme distress called gender dysphoria — puberty at any age can be especially difficult, and early puberty can exacerbate their challenges. “If you have gender dysphoria and your body is changing into something that is not aligned with your gender identity,” Dr.Mitrani adds, “it’s just going to be that much more stressful.”

A child’s racial or ethnic identity can also shape how early puberty impacts them. For example, Black girls often experience what’s called adultification bias — they’re perceived as less innocent and are expected to act older than they are. This can result in harsher discipline at school for the same infractions as their white counterparts. Undergoing early puberty only exacerbates this unfair treatment.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

How can you help your child manage early puberty?

Parents can’t control the changes that puberty will bring, but there are many ways to help your child prepare for and manage the transition.

Regardless of their age, when you first start to notice that your child is showing signs of puberty, it’s best to check in with your pediatrician. For girls, puberty usually begins with growing breasts and underarm or pubic hair. For boys, larger testicles and body hair may be the first signs.

But the best way to help prepare your child for puberty starts long before the signs appear. “The earlier you can talk about these things in an age-appropriate way, the better,” says Dr. Mitrani. Start discussing puberty with your child early, even around seven or eight years old. It’s important to remove any stigma around it and allow your child to ask questions.

Keep in mind that you don’t have to explain everything to them at once. In fact, that might overwhelm or confuse them. Take it slowly and let your child’s questions guide the conversation.

“If your kid has a question, ask them why they want to know. Try to get more information about what they’re asking you, and just give them the information that they’re asking for,” advises Dr. Mitrani. “You want to have these conversations early, but you also want to read the room.”

When should parents seek mental health support?

If your child is undergoing early puberty and you’re concerned about their mental health, you can help arm them with coping skills. And consulting with a therapist is often an effective way to do that.

“A lot of what therapy is all about —cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy — is teaching kids the skills they need to become aware of themselves and aware of their emotions,” explains Dr. Whitehouse. “And to learn strategies for recognizing when they’re having thoughts that maybe they could challenge.”

Parents can start teaching these skills early on, but during puberty, communicating effectively with your child can get harder.

“The relationship gets stressed when puberty hits, because naturally thedevelopmental task of teenagers is to separate and individuate from their parents,” Dr. Whitehouse says. “So they have a harder time talking to their parents, and there’s more conflict where there used to not be. Parents feel like their child was just taken over by a monster, and kids feel the same way about their parents! And so a therapist can help to bridge the communication.”

It’s also helpful for parents to reinforce coping skills and emotional regulation at home. One of the best ways is to model healthy coping skills themselves, since children pick up behavior patterns from the adults around them.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can early puberty cause mental health problems?

What problems come with early puberty?

Are girls who mature early affected more than boys who mature early?

Research indicates that anxiety and depression related to early puberty may affect girls more than boys, as early physical growth could act as a social advantage for boys. But boys may experience feelings of aggression and a sudden sexual drive that they might not know how to manage. 

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-how-early-puberty-affects-childrens-mental-health-2/

James Donaldson on Mental Health - How to Build Boys' Self-Confidence

Boys face their own set of gender-based challenges. Here are some ways to help

Photo by Nicholas Githiri on Pexels.com

Writer: Beth Arky

Clinical Experts: Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD , Rachel Busman, PsyD, ABPP

What You'll Learn

- Why do boys have a hard time building self-confidence?
- What can parents do to help build their sons’ self-confidence?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- School is harder for young boys
- How to help
- Constant competition
- How to help
- Boys are expected to “buck up”
- How to help
- Teasing or bullying
- How to help

We often talk about building confidence in girls, but boys may struggle with self-esteem too. Gender stereotypes can make boys feel pressured to be strong, competitive and aggressive. And they may feel that being a boy means they shouldn’t be emotional or cry if they’re upset. It’s important for the adults in boys’ lives to help them overcome stereotypes and take care of themselves emotionally.

One common challenge for young boys is focusing in school. They may get restless and behave impulsively, which can get them into trouble. Then, they feel ashamed about having done something wrong. Parents can help by praising boys’ efforts in school and giving them chances to build skills that they’re proud of.

Parents can also interrupt the constant competition that boys may get into. Let them know that it doesn’t matter who’s the strongest or fastest — everyone has different strengths. You can also point out stereotypes when you see them in TV and movies. And it helps to make sure that your son has a variety of male role models, not just athletes or action heroes. Try praising qualities that aren’t typically part of masculine stereotypes: “Wow, he’s so kind, and he really respects his friends.”

It’s also important for adults to help boys develop empathy and emotional awareness. Let them know that it’s normal and healthy to feel and express a range of emotions — and cry when you need to. You can also actively teach boys to consider how others are feeling: “How did you think he felt when those other kids told him he couldn’t play?” This helps them develop social skills and it prevents bullying, too.

When it comes to discussing self-confidence in children and teens, the focus is typically on girls. After all, they’re battling expectations that they should be impossibly thin and unfailingly nice. But experts say boys’ self-confidence is also at risk because of gender stereotypes, which leave them, too, feeling inadequate when they believe they don’t meet expectations, and gives them few outlets to express their feelings. “There’s this myth that boys don’t have as many feelings or they’re not as emotional,” says Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “These are misperceptions. We need to be more nurturing of our boys, as well.”

But how do the adults in boys’ lives do that? We examine some of the challenges facing boys and experts’ advice on how to address them. Our panel includes Dr. Busman; Michael Thompson, PhD, coauthor of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys; and Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD, a clinical psychologist and school consultant.

School is harder for young boys

Boys are more impulsive and have a more difficult time sitting still and paying attention than girls do, says Dr. Steiner-Adair. Meanwhile, many schools aren’t designed for short breaks throughout the day that would help them — that would help all kids, in fact. “So when boys can’t sit and wait their turn and the class is too big, what happens is they become disruptive; they shout out the answer,” she says. “And because they are disrupting, the fact that they got the answer right and just couldn’t hold on to it and wait their turn, doesn’t count.”

What does count is that they interrupted, and when they’re criticized repeatedly about it, it diminishes their self-esteem. Not only that, “it also diminishes their love of academics and learning,” Dr. Steiner-Adair says.

Dr. Thompson agrees, pointing out that many school tasks can shame a boy, and that shame often turns to anger. “And then everybody says, ‘We’ve got such an angry little boy,’ as if there’s nothing to set off his anger,” he says. Then, if a boy can’t read in kindergarten, “He says, ‘I hate this. I hate reading.’ What he means is, ‘I am ashamed that I can’t read better.”

How to help

- Give praise. If a child is struggling in school, teachers should go out of their way to look for opportunities to compliment him when he does do something right, even if it’s something small. Not only does a steady influx of praise make kids feel happier and more confident at school, but psychologists say that “catching kids being good” can help positively shape their behavior, too.
- Challenge boys and allow them to develop skills. Dr. Thompson used to teach at Outward Bound, which instills survival skills. “You throw boys as a group into a very challenging situation, and let them figure it out and find their own leadership,” he says. “They’ll come back thinking, ‘We did it. We did it.’ You’ll see a ton of confidence.” But it doesn’t have to get as extreme as that. While boys may be behind girls, they can and should be expected to learn skills, right down to making their own sandwich. “It involves creating a situation in which they can develop a skill and as a result will have self-esteem,” Dr. Thompson says.

Constant competition

Boys are forced into a strict hierarchy in which they compare themselves mercilessly to other boys. “Boys are always asking themselves ‘Who’s the tallest? Who’s the fastest? Who’s the biggest? Who’s the king of the hill?’” Dr. Steiner-Adair says. “And within that come some real struggles. What if you’re not? What if you’re not athletic? I think that is a huge vulnerability for boys.”

How to help

- Talk about different, not better. It’s important to emphasize the child’s unique qualities, Dr. Busman says. Boys need to know that we all have different abilities and grow and learn at different rates.
- Make your kid media literate. Busman suggests watching TV with your child or discussing what they’re doing on the internet. “Maybe you see something on TV that’s portraying boys in stereotypic way,” she says. “Then you can say, ‘Wow, that’s interesting, not all boys are like that. Some boys are really great at sports and some aren’t.’ And if you see a particularly good role model, that’s also a nice opportunity to call out his attributes: ‘That guy’s so great. He’s super smart, well-respected by the people around him, and he’s kind.”
- More varied role models. Thompson notes that showcasing alternatives to the athletic culture with male role models – say, artists, teachers, chefs, musicians – shows boys there are different, legitimate ways they can follow their talents and still be valued. “If you want to give boys confidence, then you give them the feeling that the skills they have are going to win them the respect of other men and boys.”

Boys are expected to “buck up”

Even today, societal norms often dictate that boys aren’t supposed to cry. “So what boys are taught is when you are sad, when you are upset, do not get sad but get mad,” Dr. Steiner-Adair says. “We’re making some progress, but by and large the situation is still such that by the age of 8, a boy has to learn how not to cry.”

She notes that we ask this of boys just at the age where they’re developing the capacity for “really deeper, more meaningful emotions and empathy to disconnect from their own sadness and vulnerability.” Later, these boys-turned-young men have to learn how to communicate their thoughts and emotions “without feeling that it’s somehow a violation of their masculinity.”

How to help

- Let them cry. You can let boys know that they shouldn’t be ashamed of tears — you’re not embarrassed if they cry — and that expressing feelings doesn’t mean they’re weak.
- Be open about feelings. Parents can also validate their boys’ sadness or anger by encouraging them to talk about their emotions. Bedtime can be a great chance to check in with younger kids, and with teens you can often get them to open up in the car. “It doesn’t even have to be a deep conversation, just taking stock,” Dr. Busman says. “It’s about opening dialogue.”Parents should also support their boys’ emotions, telling them that they’re okay and that everyone has them. She adds that books can be helpful in that department. For example, she has one for her son called Tough Guys Have Feelings, Too, with characters like a losing wrestler and a homesick astronaut feeling sad. Books like this show boys that sad or negative feelings are normal and nothing to be embarrassed of.
- Modeling. “I would hope that we would also model a more healthy view of being a boy who can express emotions,” Dr. Busman says. “I think the father and the other men in boys’ lives can model being expressive about emotions and showing boys how they handle disappointments.”

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Teasing or bullying

Bullying isn’t healthy for either the bully or the victim. “When you have a gender code that says there is only a spot for one at the very, very top, then boys define themselves and make themselves better by pushing somebody else down,” Dr. Steiner-Adair says. “So we see a lot of subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, lateral aggression and we see a lot of teasing.” Any sign of weakness is fair game, including not being good at sports or even being too smart.

How to help

- Encourage friendships and activities with girls. Playing with girls and interacting with them in school and in co-ed activities can cut down on competitiveness with other boys and give boys a chance to develop interests that are not traditionally masculine with less fear of ridicule.
- Emphasize empathy. From a young age, parents can encourage boys to be aware of how others think and feel, and take those feelings into account. Busman says that a lot of elementary schools have some sort of social emotional curriculum, which teach conflict resolution, and she notes that it’s good for parents to know about them so that they can follow through.
- Don’t allow trash talk in your home. Let boys know that insulting other kids by calling them weak or wimps or losers (or worse) is not acceptable from them, or their friends, and make sure the adults in your family don’t do it, either.
- Teach kids to advocate for themselves. While adults may need to intervene when bullying happens, Dr. Busman says kids should be taught to try to handle these situations for themselves. Parents can talk to their sons about bullying in advance and role-play strategies for handling it. For instance, it can help to come with a few lines a child can say if someone targets him to deflect what’s going on. You can also strategize together to make a list of a few adults or friends he could go to for support.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do boys struggle with self-confidence?

What are some ways of building confidence in boys?

How do you build emotional confidence in boys?

It’s important for adults to help boys develop empathy and emotional awareness. Let them know that it’s normal and healthy to feel and express a range of emotions and to cry when you need to. Actively teach boys to consider how others may be feeling.

Photo by Nicholas Githiri on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-how-to-build-boys-self-confidence/

Boys face their own set of gender-based challenges. Here are some ways to help

Photo by Nicholas Githiri on Pexels.com

Writer: Beth Arky

Clinical Experts: Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD , Rachel Busman, PsyD, ABPP

What You'll Learn

- Why do boys have a hard time building self-confidence?

- What can parents do to help build their sons’ self-confidence?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- School is harder for young boys

- How to help

- Constant competition

- How to help

- Boys are expected to “buck up”

- How to help

- Teasing or bullying

- How to help

We often talk about building confidence in girls, but boys may struggle with self-esteem too. Gender stereotypes can make boys feel pressured to be strong, competitive and aggressive. And they may feel that being a boy means they shouldn’t be emotional or cry if they’re upset. It’s important for the adults in boys’ lives to help them overcome stereotypes and take care of themselves emotionally.

One common challenge for young boys is focusing in school. They may get restless and behave impulsively, which can get them into trouble. Then, they feel ashamed about having done something wrong. Parents can help by praising boys’ efforts in school and giving them chances to build skills that they’re proud of.

Parents can also interrupt the constant competition that boys may get into. Let them know that it doesn’t matter who’s the strongest or fastest — everyone has different strengths. You can also point out stereotypes when you see them in TV and movies. And it helps to make sure that your son has a variety of male role models, not just athletes or action heroes. Try praising qualities that aren’t typically part of masculine stereotypes: “Wow, he’s so kind, and he really respects his friends.”

It’s also important for adults to help boys develop empathy and emotional awareness. Let them know that it’s normal and healthy to feel and express a range of emotions — and cry when you need to. You can also actively teach boys to consider how others are feeling: “How did you think he felt when those other kids told him he couldn’t play?” This helps them develop social skills and it prevents bullying, too.

When it comes to discussing self-confidence in children and teens, the focus is typically on girls. After all, they’re battling expectations that they should be impossibly thin and unfailingly nice. But experts say boys’ self-confidence is also at risk because of gender stereotypes, which leave them, too, feeling inadequate when they believe they don’t meet expectations, and gives them few outlets to express their feelings. “There’s this myth that boys don’t have as many feelings or they’re not as emotional,” says Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “These are misperceptions. We need to be more nurturing of our boys, as well.”

But how do the adults in boys’ lives do that? We examine some of the challenges facing boys and experts’ advice on how to address them. Our panel includes Dr. Busman; Michael Thompson, PhD, coauthor of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys; and Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD, a clinical psychologist and school consultant.

School is harder for young boys

Boys are more impulsive and have a more difficult time sitting still and paying attention than girls do, says Dr. Steiner-Adair. Meanwhile, many schools aren’t designed for short breaks throughout the day that would help them — that would help all kids, in fact. “So when boys can’t sit and wait their turn and the class is too big, what happens is they become disruptive; they shout out the answer,” she says. “And because they are disrupting, the fact that they got the answer right and just couldn’t hold on to it and wait their turn, doesn’t count.”

What does count is that they interrupted, and when they’re criticized repeatedly about it, it diminishes their self-esteem. Not only that, “it also diminishes their love of academics and learning,” Dr. Steiner-Adair says.

Dr. Thompson agrees, pointing out that many school tasks can shame a boy, and that shame often turns to anger. “And then everybody says, ‘We’ve got such an angry little boy,’ as if there’s nothing to set off his anger,” he says. Then, if a boy can’t read in kindergarten, “He says, ‘I hate this. I hate reading.’ What he means is, ‘I am ashamed that I can’t read better.”

How to help

- Give praise. If a child is struggling in school, teachers should go out of their way to look for opportunities to compliment him when he does do something right, even if it’s something small. Not only does a steady influx of praise make kids feel happier and more confident at school, but psychologists say that “catching kids being good” can help positively shape their behavior, too.

- Challenge boys and allow them to develop skills. Dr. Thompson used to teach at Outward Bound, which instills survival skills. “You throw boys as a group into a very challenging situation, and let them figure it out and find their own leadership,” he says. “They’ll come back thinking, ‘We did it. We did it.’ You’ll see a ton of confidence.” But it doesn’t have to get as extreme as that. While boys may be behind girls, they can and should be expected to learn skills, right down to making their own sandwich. “It involves creating a situation in which they can develop a skill and as a result will have self-esteem,” Dr. Thompson says.

Constant competition

Boys are forced into a strict hierarchy in which they compare themselves mercilessly to other boys. “Boys are always asking themselves ‘Who’s the tallest? Who’s the fastest? Who’s the biggest? Who’s the king of the hill?’” Dr. Steiner-Adair says. “And within that come some real struggles. What if you’re not? What if you’re not athletic? I think that is a huge vulnerability for boys.”

How to help

- Talk about different, not better. It’s important to emphasize the child’s unique qualities, Dr. Busman says. Boys need to know that we all have different abilities and grow and learn at different rates.

- Make your kid media literate. Busman suggests watching TV with your child or discussing what they’re doing on the internet. “Maybe you see something on TV that’s portraying boys in stereotypic way,” she says. “Then you can say, ‘Wow, that’s interesting, not all boys are like that. Some boys are really great at sports and some aren’t.’ And if you see a particularly good role model, that’s also a nice opportunity to call out his attributes: ‘That guy’s so great. He’s super smart, well-respected by the people around him, and he’s kind.”

- More varied role models. Thompson notes that showcasing alternatives to the athletic culture with male role models – say, artists, teachers, chefs, musicians – shows boys there are different, legitimate ways they can follow their talents and still be valued. “If you want to give boys confidence, then you give them the feeling that the skills they have are going to win them the respect of other men and boys.”

Boys are expected to “buck up”

Even today, societal norms often dictate that boys aren’t supposed to cry. “So what boys are taught is when you are sad, when you are upset, do not get sad but get mad,” Dr. Steiner-Adair says. “We’re making some progress, but by and large the situation is still such that by the age of 8, a boy has to learn how not to cry.”

She notes that we ask this of boys just at the age where they’re developing the capacity for “really deeper, more meaningful emotions and empathy to disconnect from their own sadness and vulnerability.” Later, these boys-turned-young men have to learn how to communicate their thoughts and emotions “without feeling that it’s somehow a violation of their masculinity.”

How to help

- Let them cry. You can let boys know that they shouldn’t be ashamed of tears — you’re not embarrassed if they cry — and that expressing feelings doesn’t mean they’re weak.

- Be open about feelings. Parents can also validate their boys’ sadness or anger by encouraging them to talk about their emotions. Bedtime can be a great chance to check in with younger kids, and with teens you can often get them to open up in the car. “It doesn’t even have to be a deep conversation, just taking stock,” Dr. Busman says. “It’s about opening dialogue.”Parents should also support their boys’ emotions, telling them that they’re okay and that everyone has them. She adds that books can be helpful in that department. For example, she has one for her son called Tough Guys Have Feelings, Too, with characters like a losing wrestler and a homesick astronaut feeling sad. Books like this show boys that sad or negative feelings are normal and nothing to be embarrassed of.

- Modeling. “I would hope that we would also model a more healthy view of being a boy who can express emotions,” Dr. Busman says. “I think the father and the other men in boys’ lives can model being expressive about emotions and showing boys how they handle disappointments.”

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Teasing or bullying

Bullying isn’t healthy for either the bully or the victim. “When you have a gender code that says there is only a spot for one at the very, very top, then boys define themselves and make themselves better by pushing somebody else down,” Dr. Steiner-Adair says. “So we see a lot of subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, lateral aggression and we see a lot of teasing.” Any sign of weakness is fair game, including not being good at sports or even being too smart.

How to help

- Encourage friendships and activities with girls. Playing with girls and interacting with them in school and in co-ed activities can cut down on competitiveness with other boys and give boys a chance to develop interests that are not traditionally masculine with less fear of ridicule.

- Emphasize empathy. From a young age, parents can encourage boys to be aware of how others think and feel, and take those feelings into account. Busman says that a lot of elementary schools have some sort of social emotional curriculum, which teach conflict resolution, and she notes that it’s good for parents to know about them so that they can follow through.

- Don’t allow trash talk in your home. Let boys know that insulting other kids by calling them weak or wimps or losers (or worse) is not acceptable from them, or their friends, and make sure the adults in your family don’t do it, either.

- Teach kids to advocate for themselves. While adults may need to intervene when bullying happens, Dr. Busman says kids should be taught to try to handle these situations for themselves. Parents can talk to their sons about bullying in advance and role-play strategies for handling it. For instance, it can help to come with a few lines a child can say if someone targets him to deflect what’s going on. You can also strategize together to make a list of a few adults or friends he could go to for support.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do boys struggle with self-confidence?

What are some ways of building confidence in boys?

How do you build emotional confidence in boys?

It’s important for adults to help boys develop empathy and emotional awareness. Let them know that it’s normal and healthy to feel and express a range of emotions and to cry when you need to. Actively teach boys to consider how others may be feeling.

Photo by Nicholas Githiri on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-how-to-build-boys-self-confidence/