When to tell them and how to answer tough questions as they grow up

Photo by Nicholas Githiri on Pexels.com

Writer: Molly Hagan

Clinical Experts: Larisa Litvinov, PhD , Megan Ice, PhD

Key Takeaways

- Start talking about adoption as early as possible. It normalizes being adopted and prevents a child from feeling betrayed later.

- Share their adoption story and answer questions. Be open, honest, and age-appropriate.

- Support identity development, validate complex feelings, and follow your child’s lead in how they want to engage with adoption.

- Talk about adoption early and often

- Tell their adoption story

- Fielding questions from young children

- Conversations with teens and tweens

- Picture Books About Adoption

I don’t remember ever being told that I was adopted. Like a lot of other adoptees, I feel like I have “always known.” While my adoption was closed, my parents spoke about it openly. And when I was four years old, I watched them go through the process of adopting my little brother. Being adopted has always felt like a natural part of my life. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have complicated feelings about it.

It’s normal for kids (and adults) to have difficult emotions about being adopted — and also really love their family. With that in mind, here is some guidance on how to talk to your child about being adopted, open the door to their questions, and navigate more challenging conversations as they get older.

Talk about adoption early and often

The best time to tell a child they’re adopted is now, says Larisa Litvinov, PhD, a psychologist and the director of the ADHD and Behavior Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. Dr. Litvinov previously spent 15 years working with adoptees and their families with UCLA TIES for Families in Los Angeles.

“We really, really emphasize talking about adoption from day one, from minute one,” she says. Even if they’re an infant. Kids will begin to understand what you’re saying earlier than you think — but that’s almost beside the point because talking about adoption as early as possible is actually so you can get used to it. You want your kid to view their adoption as just a normal part of who they are, but you have to get there first.

Some adoptive parents worry little kids won’t understand — they don’t need to any more than a biological child needs to understand reproduction when you say they came from your tummy.

So, please don’t put it off. “Sometimes parents wait too long and then they don’t know when a good time to tell them is,” says Dr. Litvinov. Waiting to tell a child they’re adopted sends the message that being adopted is shameful. It can also hurt your relationship; kids can feel betrayed, like you were keeping a secret from them on purpose.

Tell their adoption story

If you need some help, Dr. Litvinov recommends reading picture books about adoption with your child if they’re very young — some of her favorites are listed below. She (and pretty much every other expert) also recommends telling them their own adoption story.

An adoption story is basically a bedtime story — in fact, my adoption story was one of my bedtime stories. “We told it to you at the level we felt you would understand at any point in time,” my mom explains, “and then we added things along the way.”

My adoption story is about how my parents met me for the first time — but it also involves my foster parents, my social worker, and my birth parents (even though my parents never met them). I was adopted too young to remember any of these people, but I knew them, and understood they loved me, through the story.

My mom always talks about our adoptions (mine and my brother’s, which were separate) as fated, meant to be. We are meant to be a family, but we are meant to be this family, is how she explains it. From an early age she told me that it was just as important that I was born to my birth parents because I wouldn’t be me — look the way I look, have the talents that I have — if I hadn’t been.

An adoption story is an origin story that tells kids that they are adopted, that they are loved for who they are, and that they belong.

Fielding questions from young children

There are different kinds of adoption, and adoptee experiences are shaped by a host of individual factors. That said, there are some common patterns, themes, and questions that tend to emerge in kids at variousdevelopmental stages.

Kids who were adopted very young often have more questions around age seven or eight, says Dr. Litvinov. Developmentally, their thinking is becoming more complex and a little less self-focused, meaning they have a greater awareness of other people’s thoughts and feelings. It’s normal for kids of this age to ask questions like, “Why wasn’t my birth mom able to keep me? Do I have brothers or sisters? Did she keep them?”

Do your best to answer their questions, even if that means admitting that you don’t know. So, your answer to “Do I have siblings?” might be something like, “Not that we were told” or “We were told….”

Don’t knock your kid’s birth parents

Experts emphasize the importance of presenting a child’s birth parents in a positive light. “Talking negatively about a birth parent is a big no-no but can often be really hard for families, especially if they have read or heard horrible things about what the child went through,” says Megan Ice, PhD, a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute who specializes in working with adoptees and their families.

While your angry feelings may be valid, they should be processed with another adult or a therapist, not your child. Any suggestion that a birth parent is “bad” can make kids feel bad about themselves. “You don’t want kids to have this kind of bifurcated feeling of like, well, are all my bad parts from my birth family?” says Dr. Litvinov. “Because that could be the message.”

But don’t lie about them

Some kids have birth parents who are unable to care for them because they’re in prison or jail or have a substance use issue. These can be tough things for a child to understand, but don’t lie about them, even if you mean well.

“Sometimes parents will say, ‘Your birth parent was sick, and they couldn’t take care of you,’” says Dr. Litvinov. “That’s not a great message because then the child worries every time their adoptive parent is sick. Like, ‘Oh, you’re going to get rid of me, too.’”

In general, though, shielding kids from a difficult backstory gives them a false view of reality — which just makes it more painful for them when they discover it. Instead, experts recommend telling the truth in a way that is appropriate for the child’s age. At first, that might sound something like, “Your birth parent was really struggling. They loved you and wanted you to be taken care of because they knew they couldn’t do it themselves.” As kids get a little older, you can consult an adoption counselor or mental health professional about the best way to explain their birth story in more detail. Holly van Gulden, an adoption counselor and author of the classic guidebook Real Parents, Real Children, offers further guidance for sharing difficult things — because no matter how painful the situation, it’s always better coming from you.

Support self-discovery

Kids may also start to develop more of an awareness that they look different from you and want to know more about their ethnic or cultural background. Embrace their curiosity and actively help them feel less like an outsider.

Facilitate ways for them to meet other kids who are adopted through adoption groups, clubs, or summer camps. This is particularly important for transracial adoptees — adoptee and advocate Angela Tucker has written about how important it was for her to attend a summer camp specifically for Black adoptees with white families.

If your child is a different race or ethnicity than you are, don’t just ignore it. For one thing, no one else will ignore it, which is disorienting for a kid. You want kids to feel good about their identity, not like a curiosity.

So, get to know your child’s ethnic background and feel as comfortable talking about it with them as you do their adoption. Give them opportunities to meet other people that share their background — and prepare them to deal with racism, which can be particularly confusing for transracial adoptees, who may not understand what’s happening or how to respond.

As a parent, it’s important to try to anticipate their needs and challenges instead of just responding to them in the moment. You don’t have to be perfect, just open, honest, and willing to learn as they grow.

Conversations with teens and tweens

As kids enter the teen years, they’re more likely to consider their adoption through the lens of building their identity. “As in, ‘What part of me is from my birth parents? What part of me is from you? What part is myself?’” says Dr. Litvinov. So, here are some things to keep in mind.

Validate their feelings

Adolescents can begin to think about their adoption in new ways that might feel confusing, sad, and hard to define. In an attempt to explain this phenomenon, Jae Ran Kim, PhD, MSW, an adoptee, educator, and social worker, uses the concept of ambiguous loss. In general, it describes a loss with no clear resolution — a soldier missing in action, for example, or a partner who leaves without saying why.

Feelings of grief can be hard for adoptive parents to understand, especially if their child was adopted very young. “Try not to minimize any feelings they might have about their adoption,” says Dr. Ice. “Like, ‘Oh, you don’t even remember that, so it shouldn’t be affecting you.’” For some adoptees, the not remembering is the loss.

Some adoptees don’t know anything about their birth family. Others know a lot but still experience sadness, or a nagging feeling of being out of place. As an adoptive parent, your role is supportive, “to sit with them in the not knowing,” Dr. Litvinov says.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Don’t take it personally

Teens can say hurtful things to any parent but hearing something like “I wish you weren’t my mom” as an adoptive parent hits a little differently. Nonetheless, Dr. Ice and Dr. Litvinov advise validating these emotions, too.

Try to reframe the insult as an attempt to communicate an upsetting emotion, Dr. Ice says. “You can say something like, ‘It seems like it’s feeling really hard to be adopted right now. Tell me more about it.’ Something that’s just kind of getting more to the ‘what can we learn from this’ instead of feeling rejected and hurt.”

If conflict with your teen begins to feel beyond your control it’s okay to ask for professional help — Dr. Ice and Dr. Litvinov have worked with countless families in this context, using various behavioral therapy techniques. “Sometimes we think that love will be enough for everything,” says Dr. Ice. But sometimes kids need more support, especially if they have had upsetting experiences prior to being adopted.

Follow your child’s lead

Both Dr. Litvinov and Dr. Ice advise, above all, that you follow your child’s lead. Even when they’re young and can’t quite communicate what they want. For example, does celebrating their adoption day seem to make them uncomfortable? Talk to them about it, but don’t force it.

Because all kids are different. Some kids ask a lot of questions, some ask none; some kids want to embrace their birth culture from an early age, some wait until they’re old enough to do it on their own terms.

“You just keep on validating and following the child’s lead no matter what their age is, just supporting them and hearing them,” says Dr. Litvinov. “Like, ‘I am open to you going and finding your birth parent or us looking at your adoption records together, whatever you need. I’m always here for you.’”

Picture Books About Adoption

Recommendations from Dr. Litvinov:

A Mother for Choco, Keiko Kasza

How I Was Adopted, Joanna Cole

Over the Moon, Karen Katz

Find more books about adoption for young kids here.

Find books about adoption for teens here.

Frequently Asked Questions

When is the best time to tell a child they are adopted?

The best time to tell a child they’re adopted is right away, so adoption feels like a natural part of who they are and not a secret.

What’s the best way to talk about adoption with a preschooler?

How should I talk to my adopted child in elementary school?

How do I talk to my teen about adoption?

Photo by Nicholas Githiri on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=15821

James Donaldson on Mental Health - What to do when you’re worried about a loved one

According to a recent report in the Indiana Capital Chronicle, using data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) 2023 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 15.7% of Indiana high school students reported attempting suicide in the past year. As Suicide Awareness Month comes to a close, we focus on empowering loved ones of those struggling with suicidal thoughts or behaviors. 

Getting it out in the open

First, let us dispel a myth about suicidal thoughts to help cope with the fears of discussing this difficult topic. Asking a person about suicide will not put the idea in their head or give them the idea.

Because of stigma and shame, it can be hard for people to tell others they are thinking about suicide. Therefore, talking about suicide openly is one of the most helpful things you can do. When someone you know is struggling with their mental health, asking them if they are thinking about suicide gives them the opportunity to open up and share their troubles. By talking about it, you can help them find solutions and save a life.
 

Know what you’re looking for

There is not one single cause for suicide, and mental health struggles don't always have the same outward appearance. Although you never need an excuse to check in with your loved ones, noticing changes in behavior can be a good reason to see if they are struggling. Here are some things to watch for:

- Impulsive behaviors or being more irritated than usual
- Not functioning like their usual selves, such as changes in how they dress or general appearance, as well as their eating or sleep habits.
- Talking about feelings of loneliness or despair
- Excessive worry
- Trouble concentrating
- Substance misuse
Initiating the conversation

When you see these or other signs, consider trying one of these opening statements to get the ball rolling:

- "Seems like you haven't been yourself lately. What's up?"
- "Are you OK? I've noticed you've been down lately."
- "Hey, we haven't really talked in a while. How are you?"
- "I know you are going through some stuff; I'm here for you."

Seize the Awkward is a national campaign led by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). The initiative encourages open conversations around mental health and offers several examples for expressing concerns about someone’s mental health.

Asking and then actively listening shows your loved one they're not alone. You do not have to say much, but being there for them is truly helpful. Here are some other tips for creating an atmosphere that supports open communication:

- Give the person your full attention; do not attend to anything else while they talk.
- Take them seriously. They are in pain, and they need help.
- Listen and respond without judging them or making fun of them.
- Do not make any promises that you cannot keep. They need to trust you.
- Show that you understand that they have a serious problem. You should not give advice like "cheer up" or "pull yourself together."
- Remind the person that overwhelming or confusing feelings can be very normal.
- Do not minimize their feelings or compare their troubles with your own or anyone else's
- Ask specifically about feelings of wanting to die and suicide, such as:
- "Are you thinking about suicide or harming yourself?" 
- "Have you thought about how you might do this?" 
- "Have you thought about when you might do this?
- Tell them things like, "You are really important to me," or "I don't want you to die," or "Let me help you to find other solutions."

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Asking for help

Sometimes, being there for others means recognizing our own capacity and limitations in providing help. There is no shame in reaching out to external resources for yourself or on behalf of someone you care about. Parkview Behavioral Health Institute offers many support services for those struggling with their mental health and their loved ones. These include:

- PBHI HelpLine is available day or night to answer questions, provide recommendations and help arrange care.
- QPR (Question, Persuade and Refer) Training is free to the public and teaches how to recognize the signs that someone is at risk of suicide, and connect them to the care they need.
- The Surviving Loss by Suicide support group is for the loved ones of a person who died by suicide.
- The SOS Program, the PBHI mobile crisis team, provides immediate assistance to individuals experiencing mental health or substance use crises.

Remember, you are not alone, and you can be the person to help someone else feel they matter in this world. Have the conversations, help others, save a life.

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-what-to-do-when-youre-worried-about-a-loved-one/

According to a recent report in the Indiana Capital Chronicle, using data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) 2023 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 15.7% of Indiana high school students reported attempting suicide in the past year. As Suicide Awareness Month comes to a close, we focus on empowering loved ones of those struggling with suicidal thoughts or behaviors. 

Getting it out in the open

First, let us dispel a myth about suicidal thoughts to help cope with the fears of discussing this difficult topic. Asking a person about suicide will not put the idea in their head or give them the idea.

Because of stigma and shame, it can be hard for people to tell others they are thinking about suicide. Therefore, talking about suicide openly is one of the most helpful things you can do. When someone you know is struggling with their mental health, asking them if they are thinking about suicide gives them the opportunity to open up and share their troubles. By talking about it, you can help them find solutions and save a life.
 

Know what you’re looking for

There is not one single cause for suicide, and mental health struggles don't always have the same outward appearance. Although you never need an excuse to check in with your loved ones, noticing changes in behavior can be a good reason to see if they are struggling. Here are some things to watch for:

- Impulsive behaviors or being more irritated than usual

- Not functioning like their usual selves, such as changes in how they dress or general appearance, as well as their eating or sleep habits.

- Talking about feelings of loneliness or despair

- Excessive worry

- Trouble concentrating

- Substance misuse

Initiating the conversation

When you see these or other signs, consider trying one of these opening statements to get the ball rolling:

- "Seems like you haven't been yourself lately. What's up?"

- "Are you OK? I've noticed you've been down lately."

- "Hey, we haven't really talked in a while. How are you?"

- "I know you are going through some stuff; I'm here for you."

Seize the Awkward is a national campaign led by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). The initiative encourages open conversations around mental health and offers several examples for expressing concerns about someone’s mental health.

Asking and then actively listening shows your loved one they're not alone. You do not have to say much, but being there for them is truly helpful. Here are some other tips for creating an atmosphere that supports open communication:

- Give the person your full attention; do not attend to anything else while they talk.

- Take them seriously. They are in pain, and they need help.

- Listen and respond without judging them or making fun of them.

- Do not make any promises that you cannot keep. They need to trust you.

- Show that you understand that they have a serious problem. You should not give advice like "cheer up" or "pull yourself together."

- Remind the person that overwhelming or confusing feelings can be very normal.

- Do not minimize their feelings or compare their troubles with your own or anyone else's

- Ask specifically about feelings of wanting to die and suicide, such as:

- "Are you thinking about suicide or harming yourself?" 

- "Have you thought about how you might do this?" 

- "Have you thought about when you might do this?

- Tell them things like, "You are really important to me," or "I don't want you to die," or "Let me help you to find other solutions."

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Asking for help

Sometimes, being there for others means recognizing our own capacity and limitations in providing help. There is no shame in reaching out to external resources for yourself or on behalf of someone you care about. Parkview Behavioral Health Institute offers many support services for those struggling with their mental health and their loved ones. These include:

- PBHI HelpLine is available day or night to answer questions, provide recommendations and help arrange care.

- QPR (Question, Persuade and Refer) Training is free to the public and teaches how to recognize the signs that someone is at risk of suicide, and connect them to the care they need.

- The Surviving Loss by Suicide support group is for the loved ones of a person who died by suicide.

- The SOS Program, the PBHI mobile crisis team, provides immediate assistance to individuals experiencing mental health or substance use crises.

Remember, you are not alone, and you can be the person to help someone else feel they matter in this world. Have the conversations, help others, save a life. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-what-to-do-when-youre-worried-about-a-loved-one/

According to a recent report in the Indiana Capital Chronicle, using data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) 2023 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 15.7% of Indiana high school students reported attempting suicide in the past year. As Suicide Awareness Month comes to a close, we focus on empowering loved ones of those struggling with suicidal thoughts or behaviors. 

Getting it out in the open

First, let us dispel a myth about suicidal thoughts to help cope with the fears of discussing this difficult topic. Asking a person about suicide will not put the idea in their head or give them the idea.

Because of stigma and shame, it can be hard for people to tell others they are thinking about suicide. Therefore, talking about suicide openly is one of the most helpful things you can do. When someone you know is struggling with their mental health, asking them if they are thinking about suicide gives them the opportunity to open up and share their troubles. By talking about it, you can help them find solutions and save a life. 

Know what you’re looking for

There is not one single cause for suicide, and mental health struggles don't always have the same outward appearance. Although you never need an excuse to check in with your loved ones, noticing changes in behavior can be a good reason to see if they are struggling. Here are some things to watch for:

- Impulsive behaviors or being more irritated than usual

- Not functioning like their usual selves, such as changes in how they dress or general appearance, as well as their eating or sleep habits.

- Talking about feelings of loneliness or despair

- Excessive worry

- Trouble concentrating

- Substance misuse

Initiating the conversation

When you see these or other signs, consider trying one of these opening statements to get the ball rolling:

- "Seems like you haven't been yourself lately. What's up?"

- "Are you OK? I've noticed you've been down lately."

- "Hey, we haven't really talked in a while. How are you?"

- "I know you are going through some stuff; I'm here for you."

Seize the Awkward is a national campaign led by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). The initiative encourages open conversations around mental health and offers several examples for expressing concerns about someone’s mental health.

Asking and then actively listening shows your loved one they're not alone. You do not have to say much, but being there for them is truly helpful. Here are some other tips for creating an atmosphere that supports open communication:

- Give the person your full attention; do not attend to anything else while they talk.

- Take them seriously. They are in pain, and they need help.

- Listen and respond without judging them or making fun of them.

- Do not make any promises that you cannot keep. They need to trust you.

- Show that you understand that they have a serious problem. You should not give advice like "cheer up" or "pull yourself together."

- Remind the person that overwhelming or confusing feelings can be very normal.

- Do not minimize their feelings or compare their troubles with your own or anyone else's

- Ask specifically about feelings of wanting to die and suicide, such as:

- "Are you thinking about suicide or harming yourself?" 

- "Have you thought about how you might do this?" 

- "Have you thought about when you might do this?

- Tell them things like, "You are really important to me," or "I don't want you to die," or "Let me help you to find other solutions."

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Asking for help

Sometimes, being there for others means recognizing our own capacity and limitations in providing help. There is no shame in reaching out to external resources for yourself or on behalf of someone you care about. Parkview Behavioral Health Institute offers many support services for those struggling with their mental health and their loved ones. These include:

- PBHI HelpLine is available day or night to answer questions, provide recommendations and help arrange care.

- QPR (Question, Persuade and Refer) Training is free to the public and teaches how to recognize the signs that someone is at risk of suicide, and connect them to the care they need.

- The Surviving Loss by Suicide support group is for the loved ones of a person who died by suicide.

- The SOS Program, the PBHI mobile crisis team, provides immediate assistance to individuals experiencing mental health or substance use crises.

Remember, you are not alone, and you can be the person to help someone else feel they matter in this world. Have the conversations, help others, save a life. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=15808

James Donaldson on Mental Health - 10 Tips To Help Dads and Daughters Stay Close

Navigating the changes and challenges that come with adolescence

Writer: Rae Jacobson, MS

Clinical Expert: Jerry Bubrick, PhD

- 1. Be a good listener
- 2. Discuss — don’t just dictate — rules
- 3. Be generous with praise
- 4. Let her take the lead when it comes to quality time
- 5. Be an ally
- 6. Model healthy relationships
- 7. Watch your language
- 8. Take care with tough topics
- 9. Show your love
- 10. Focus on what’s really important

Adolescence can be a difficult time for fathers and daughters. As little girls grow into young women, it can be hard for dads to figure where, and how, they fit in.

“As parents, our roles change over time,” says Jerry Bubrick, PhD, a clinical psychologist who treated many children with anxiety and OCD at the Child Mind Institute. “When our daughters are young, our job is to protect them physically and emotionally, but as they get older we have to take on more of a consulting role.”

It’s an important transition for both parents, but one that can be especially challenging for dads, who often get the message that their primary role is to be “in charge” — to fix problems when they arise, and to protect their daughters, especially once dating becomes part of the mix.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

We’ve put together 10 tips to help dads and daughters navigate the inevitable changes that come with adolescence and stay close during a transitional — and often tumultuous — time.

1. Be a good listener

When kids are young it’s important to be direct: Don’t run! Don’t touch. Stay close. But, as girls grow up and start seeking more independence, our job shifts, says Dr. Bubrick. “Instead of making decisions for them, we want to guide them in making smart decisions for themselves.”

“It’s natural to want to keep your daughter safe,” says Dr. Bubrick, but when it comes to maintaining a close, open relationship, what was protective and necessary when she was a child can start to feel restrictive, and become a source of major tension. Instead, he says, fathers should practice listening, not lecturing.

Talking through problems together, instead of just handing down a ready-made solution, will help your daughter feel more comfortable coming to you with problems and help her build vital critical thinking skills she’ll use all her life. “When we step away from protecting and fixing, we can focus on hearing, understanding and guiding,” says Dr. Bubrick, “and that’s what kids, especially teenagers really need.

2. Discuss — don’t just dictate — rules

Of course, taking a new, less authoritarian approach doesn’t mean letting go of all the rules. But even in setting boundaries, there’s room for negotiation — giving kids a chance to say what’s most important to them, so that they have some buy-in. “When you work rules out ahead of time, it means that when issues come up there’s no ambiguity, and you’re able to have clearer, less fraught conversations in the moment. It’s normal for adolescent girls to test the boundaries of their independence, Dr. Bubrick notes. “But that doesn’t mean they don’t want, and need, your guidance, too.”

3. Be generous with praise

When girls are in the throes of adolescence, it might seem like your opinion couldn’t matter less, but in fact it’s probably never mattered more. Adolescence is minefield when it comes to confidence. As girls grow up, mothers tend to take the lead in personal conversations and offering support and encouragement, and dads often end up taking a backseat. Don’t be that guy, dads. Girls need positive feedback from both parents, especially during their teen years. Let your daughter know you’re proud of her — and not just by telling her she’s beautiful, though that’s important, too.

Praising her intelligence, creativity, kindness or sense of humor will help her build and maintain confidence during a time that can be all too focused on appearance. Also, don’t forget that it’s not only big wins or straight A’s that deserve to be recognized. Praising accomplishments is great, but it’s just as important to praise hard work, and the bravery it takes to try, and stick with, new things — especially ones she isn’t instantly good at.

4. Let her take the lead when it comes to quality time

“Relate to her on her level and in her activities,” says Dr. Bubrick. “Quick chats on the way to or from school are nice, but to really make a connection you need to get involved with the things she’s interested in.” Showing an interest in the things she likes doesn’t have to be complicated — it can be as simple as listening to her favorite music together, having a show you watch with her, or going for a bike ride together. What’s important is that by letting her take the lead, you’re communicated that you value her interests, and finding a space where you can both enjoy yourselves.

5. Be an ally

Realistically, there are some parts of being a girl that dads just can’t fully understand. These might be seemingly simple things: Love for a boy band, or the intricacies of slumber party politics. Physical development, like getting your period, or changes in bra size. Or they may be more complex, upsetting experiences like sexism or harassment. If your daughter experiences something outside your expertise, don’t panic or withdraw.

Instead, show your support by doing what you can: For example: if she’s embarrassed about buying tampons, let her know that you’re not, and you’ll be happy to buy them for her — there’s nothing to be ashamed of about periods. If she experiences sexual harassment, or faces social struggles, don’t minimize or dismiss her feelings. Instead, offer support and comfort by letting her know that even though you haven’t been in her position, you take her seriously and you’re willing to listen anytime she needs you.

And when you’re validating her feelings, says Dr. Bubrick, “use a period, not a comma.” That means support isn’t followed by criticism — “That must have been really hard for you,” not “I can see why that upset you, but maybe you’re being oversensitive?”

6. Model healthy relationships

Adolescence is likely to be the first time girls get involved with real-life romantic partners (tween crushes don’t count), so it’s really important to talk to you daughter about what is — and isn’t — part of a healthy relationship. That said, all the advice in the world won’t matter if you’re saying one thing, and she’s seeing another at home. Tune in to how you and your partner interact, even in moments that don’t directly involve your kids. For example: Are you supportive when your wife tries new things (or has a bad day)? Do you listen with interest, or cut her down when she has an idea? Seeing you as a supportive partner will underscore your daughter’s confidence in your belief in her.

7. Watch your language

Girls look to their fathers for cues on how men should behave in relationships, but they’re also alert to how you talk about women. You may be respectful and encouraging when talking to your wife and daughter, and other women close to you, but if you’re in the habit of talking about other women in a disrespectful, or sexist way, she’s hearing that, too. If you make comments on women’s bodies, or use “girl” as code for weakness — “He throws like a girl” — she may worry you think girls aren’t competent, or feel like you expect her to live up to impossible standards.

Taking care to use language that empowers women (and avoiding the kind that puts them down) is a powerful way to let your daughter know that you think girls are just as smart, cool and capable as boys — and that you think she’s great just as she is. As a bonus, it also sets a standard for how she should expect other men in her life — from boyfriends to bosses — to behave as well.

8. Take care with tough topics

When it comes to topics like sex or drinking, dads may be tempted to lay down the law, but Dr. Bubrick says that letting your daughter take the lead and helping her talk things through — rather than dictating how the conversation will go — is more effective, and helps set the stage for better long term communication. “You can have the desire to lead the conversation,” says Dr. Bubrick. “But what you have to consider is where are you leading it to? Usually away from her feeling comfortable coming to you again.”

Likewise, he says, dads should be thoughtful about when — and how — you approach heavy conversations. “Making important subjects into a big, one-time conversation or demanding to have a serious talk when she’s not ready is going to backfire,” he says. Instead, he says, “Dads should focus on keeping the conversation open, so she knows it’s okay to talk about it when she’s ready”

Do your best to listen without judgment: “ It’s ok to have an opinion, but offering it in a critical way is going to shut things down,” says Dr. Bubrick. “The goal is to create a dynamic where your daughter feels comfortable and safe coming to you with questions or problems she’s experiencing.”

Finally, be sure that your daughter knows that it’s okay if there are some topics — sexuality, for example — she’d rather take up with someone else: “If you want to talk to Mom about how you’re feeling that’s totally okay. I just want to be sure you’re talking to someone, and I’m here if you need me.”

9. Show your love

When girls are little most dads never think twice about piggyback rides, bedtime snuggles or big hugs. But the onset of puberty can make physical affection feel confusing, and fraught. It’s not unusual for dads to feel awkward, or unsure of what’s appropriate, but it’s important not to withdraw your affection. When hugs suddenly turn into pats on the back, girls may worry that dads are ashamed of their changing bodies, or, in the most dramatic of teen moments, that they’re no longer loved.

The way you show your love will obviously change (a 14-year-old isn’t going to be sitting on your lap) and that’s okay, but teen girls need affection from their dads, just as much as they did when they were young.

10. Focus on what’s really important

Being a dad is hard work (being a teenager is no picnic either) but it’s worth it. Letting your teenage daughter know how important she is to you can be a huge source of self-worth for her at a time when her identity may feel fragile. And it’s something she will carry with her the rest of her life. Let your daughter know that even when you don’t see eye to eye and agree with all her decisions (or she with yours) that you love her and you’ll always love her, every moment for the rest of her life no matter what.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I be a better father to my daughter?

You can be a better father to your daughter by listening to her perspective, discussing rules (rather than dictating them), praising her intelligence or creativity, letting her take the lead during quality time, and talking respectfully about women.

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-10-tips-to-help-dads-and-daughters-stay-close/

Navigating the changes and challenges that come with adolescence

Writer: Rae Jacobson, MS

Clinical Expert: Jerry Bubrick, PhD

- 1. Be a good listener

- 2. Discuss — don’t just dictate — rules

- 3. Be generous with praise

- 4. Let her take the lead when it comes to quality time

- 5. Be an ally

- 6. Model healthy relationships

- 7. Watch your language

- 8. Take care with tough topics

- 9. Show your love

- 10. Focus on what’s really important

Adolescence can be a difficult time for fathers and daughters. As little girls grow into young women, it can be hard for dads to figure where, and how, they fit in.

“As parents, our roles change over time,” says Jerry Bubrick, PhD, a clinical psychologist who treated many children with anxiety and OCD at the Child Mind Institute. “When our daughters are young, our job is to protect them physically and emotionally, but as they get older we have to take on more of a consulting role.”

It’s an important transition for both parents, but one that can be especially challenging for dads, who often get the message that their primary role is to be “in charge” — to fix problems when they arise, and to protect their daughters, especially once dating becomes part of the mix.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

We’ve put together 10 tips to help dads and daughters navigate the inevitable changes that come with adolescence and stay close during a transitional — and often tumultuous — time.

1. Be a good listener

When kids are young it’s important to be direct: Don’t run! Don’t touch. Stay close. But, as girls grow up and start seeking more independence, our job shifts, says Dr. Bubrick. “Instead of making decisions for them, we want to guide them in making smart decisions for themselves.”

“It’s natural to want to keep your daughter safe,” says Dr. Bubrick, but when it comes to maintaining a close, open relationship, what was protective and necessary when she was a child can start to feel restrictive, and become a source of major tension. Instead, he says, fathers should practice listening, not lecturing.

Talking through problems together, instead of just handing down a ready-made solution, will help your daughter feel more comfortable coming to you with problems and help her build vital critical thinking skills she’ll use all her life. “When we step away from protecting and fixing, we can focus on hearing, understanding and guiding,” says Dr. Bubrick, “and that’s what kids, especially teenagers really need.

2. Discuss — don’t just dictate — rules

Of course, taking a new, less authoritarian approach doesn’t mean letting go of all the rules. But even in setting boundaries, there’s room for negotiation — giving kids a chance to say what’s most important to them, so that they have some buy-in. “When you work rules out ahead of time, it means that when issues come up there’s no ambiguity, and you’re able to have clearer, less fraught conversations in the moment. It’s normal for adolescent girls to test the boundaries of their independence, Dr. Bubrick notes. “But that doesn’t mean they don’t want, and need, your guidance, too.”

3. Be generous with praise

When girls are in the throes of adolescence, it might seem like your opinion couldn’t matter less, but in fact it’s probably never mattered more. Adolescence is minefield when it comes to confidence. As girls grow up, mothers tend to take the lead in personal conversations and offering support and encouragement, and dads often end up taking a backseat. Don’t be that guy, dads. Girls need positive feedback from both parents, especially during their teen years. Let your daughter know you’re proud of her — and not just by telling her she’s beautiful, though that’s important, too.

Praising her intelligence, creativity, kindness or sense of humor will help her build and maintain confidence during a time that can be all too focused on appearance. Also, don’t forget that it’s not only big wins or straight A’s that deserve to be recognized. Praising accomplishments is great, but it’s just as important to praise hard work, and the bravery it takes to try, and stick with, new things — especially ones she isn’t instantly good at.

4. Let her take the lead when it comes to quality time

“Relate to her on her level and in her activities,” says Dr. Bubrick. “Quick chats on the way to or from school are nice, but to really make a connection you need to get involved with the things she’s interested in.” Showing an interest in the things she likes doesn’t have to be complicated — it can be as simple as listening to her favorite music together, having a show you watch with her, or going for a bike ride together. What’s important is that by letting her take the lead, you’re communicated that you value her interests, and finding a space where you can both enjoy yourselves.

5. Be an ally

Realistically, there are some parts of being a girl that dads just can’t fully understand. These might be seemingly simple things: Love for a boy band, or the intricacies of slumber party politics. Physical development, like getting your period, or changes in bra size. Or they may be more complex, upsetting experiences like sexism or harassment. If your daughter experiences something outside your expertise, don’t panic or withdraw.

Instead, show your support by doing what you can: For example: if she’s embarrassed about buying tampons, let her know that you’re not, and you’ll be happy to buy them for her — there’s nothing to be ashamed of about periods. If she experiences sexual harassment, or faces social struggles, don’t minimize or dismiss her feelings. Instead, offer support and comfort by letting her know that even though you haven’t been in her position, you take her seriously and you’re willing to listen anytime she needs you.

And when you’re validating her feelings, says Dr. Bubrick, “use a period, not a comma.” That means support isn’t followed by criticism — “That must have been really hard for you,” not “I can see why that upset you, but maybe you’re being oversensitive?”

6. Model healthy relationships

Adolescence is likely to be the first time girls get involved with real-life romantic partners (tween crushes don’t count), so it’s really important to talk to you daughter about what is — and isn’t — part of a healthy relationship. That said, all the advice in the world won’t matter if you’re saying one thing, and she’s seeing another at home. Tune in to how you and your partner interact, even in moments that don’t directly involve your kids. For example: Are you supportive when your wife tries new things (or has a bad day)? Do you listen with interest, or cut her down when she has an idea? Seeing you as a supportive partner will underscore your daughter’s confidence in your belief in her.

7. Watch your language

Girls look to their fathers for cues on how men should behave in relationships, but they’re also alert to how you talk about women. You may be respectful and encouraging when talking to your wife and daughter, and other women close to you, but if you’re in the habit of talking about other women in a disrespectful, or sexist way, she’s hearing that, too. If you make comments on women’s bodies, or use “girl” as code for weakness — “He throws like a girl” — she may worry you think girls aren’t competent, or feel like you expect her to live up to impossible standards.

Taking care to use language that empowers women (and avoiding the kind that puts them down) is a powerful way to let your daughter know that you think girls are just as smart, cool and capable as boys — and that you think she’s great just as she is. As a bonus, it also sets a standard for how she should expect other men in her life — from boyfriends to bosses — to behave as well.

8. Take care with tough topics

When it comes to topics like sex or drinking, dads may be tempted to lay down the law, but Dr. Bubrick says that letting your daughter take the lead and helping her talk things through — rather than dictating how the conversation will go — is more effective, and helps set the stage for better long term communication. “You can have the desire to lead the conversation,” says Dr. Bubrick. “But what you have to consider is where are you leading it to? Usually away from her feeling comfortable coming to you again.”

Likewise, he says, dads should be thoughtful about when — and how — you approach heavy conversations. “Making important subjects into a big, one-time conversation or demanding to have a serious talk when she’s not ready is going to backfire,” he says. Instead, he says, “Dads should focus on keeping the conversation open, so she knows it’s okay to talk about it when she’s ready”

Do your best to listen without judgment: “ It’s ok to have an opinion, but offering it in a critical way is going to shut things down,” says Dr. Bubrick. “The goal is to create a dynamic where your daughter feels comfortable and safe coming to you with questions or problems she’s experiencing.”

Finally, be sure that your daughter knows that it’s okay if there are some topics — sexuality, for example — she’d rather take up with someone else: “If you want to talk to Mom about how you’re feeling that’s totally okay. I just want to be sure you’re talking to someone, and I’m here if you need me.”

9. Show your love

When girls are little most dads never think twice about piggyback rides, bedtime snuggles or big hugs. But the onset of puberty can make physical affection feel confusing, and fraught. It’s not unusual for dads to feel awkward, or unsure of what’s appropriate, but it’s important not to withdraw your affection. When hugs suddenly turn into pats on the back, girls may worry that dads are ashamed of their changing bodies, or, in the most dramatic of teen moments, that they’re no longer loved.

The way you show your love will obviously change (a 14-year-old isn’t going to be sitting on your lap) and that’s okay, but teen girls need affection from their dads, just as much as they did when they were young.

10. Focus on what’s really important

Being a dad is hard work (being a teenager is no picnic either) but it’s worth it. Letting your teenage daughter know how important she is to you can be a huge source of self-worth for her at a time when her identity may feel fragile. And it’s something she will carry with her the rest of her life. Let your daughter know that even when you don’t see eye to eye and agree with all her decisions (or she with yours) that you love her and you’ll always love her, every moment for the rest of her life no matter what.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I be a better father to my daughter?

You can be a better father to your daughter by listening to her perspective, discussing rules (rather than dictating them), praising her intelligence or creativity, letting her take the lead during quality time, and talking respectfully about women. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-10-tips-to-help-dads-and-daughters-stay-close/

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Why Your Child With ADHD Has Such a Messy Room

And what parents can do about it

Writer: Rae Jacobson, MS

What You'll Learn

- Why do kids with ADHD have messy rooms?
- What are executive functioning skills?
- How can parents help kids with ADHD clean up their rooms?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- So what can parents do to help?
- Keep it simple
- Get creative
- Build routines
- Be patient
- It’s about more than a messy room

Kids with ADHD often have very messy rooms that result in losing things and lateness — Wait! I can’t find my soccer shoes! This frustrates parents, who can’t understand why these kids have so much trouble cleaning their room.

The problem is that children with ADHD struggle with executive functioning skills, which enable us to plan, prioritize, manage our time and get things done. It may seem simple to the rest of us, but they have trouble deciding what to do first, estimating how long things take, and staying focused. Sticking with a task that’s boring is especially hard for kids with ADHD.

Parents can help kids tackle the mess in their room by:

- Breaking “Clean your room!” down into smaller tasks
- Using a chart to list what needs to be done
- Building routines to clean at a regular time, not just when it gets overwhelming

For more details and suggestions, see the Full Article below.

Mess and ADHD go hand in hand, and with them comes chaos, lateness — Where is my coat?! — and frustration. Parents often find themselves at wit’s end, looking at their child and wondering: Why can’t you just clean your room??

The short answer?

Because for kids with ADHD, it’s not quite that simple. People with ADHD have a difficult time with many of the executive functioning skills most of us unconsciously use every day. These invisible skills are what enable us to plan, prioritize, manage our time, and get things done.

A person without ADHD might look at a messy room and think, “Okay. I’ve got an hour to get things done. First, make the bed, then pick up the laundry, then…”  But for a child with ADHD, that breakdown of what to do, when to do it, and how long it will take, isn’t automatic. Understanding how executive functioning issues affect kids with ADHD can help parents know what a child’s trouble spots are and how to help. Common issues include:

Prioritizing tasks: Deciding what needs to get done and in what order. For example, a child with ADHD might not understand that putting dirty laundry in the hamper takes priority over organizing all of their books by color.

Managing time: Figuring out how long smaller tasks will take, and how much time they’ll need to complete the whole job. For example, a child who has two hours to get their room cleaned up before friends come for a sleepover spends so much time on one small job, like clearing off their desk, they don’t have time to do the rest.

Staying focused: Getting off track or distracted. For example, they get caught up in reading a book instead of putting it back on the shelf.

Task initiation: Difficulty getting started, especially when the task at hand seems overwhelming, complicated, or boring (like, say, cleaning up a messy room). 

Transitions: Trouble shifting from one task to the next. For example, they might get stalled instead of moving from one cleaning job, like making the bed, to another, like putting their shoes away.

Self-regulation and impulse control: Sticking with a task, especially a boring one, is challenging for anyone. But for kids with ADHD who often lack the skills to regulate their behavior and control impulses it can feel impossible. This can look like frustration, giving up, or getting off track— I was cleaning up, I just decided to take a quick video game break!  And often ends in a rushed, messy job, like just shoving all their clutter under the bed, or just failing to finish at all.

So what can parents do to help?

Break it down: Instead of issuing a blanket order to “clean your room,” it helps to break the job into more manageable tasks. For example, let’s say your child needs to make the bed, put their laundry in the hamper, and bring dirty dishes to the kitchen sink. You could say, “Start by making your bed.” Then, when that’s done, you move on to the next task: “Ok, now pick up the laundry.” And so on. Doing one thing at a time can help kids feel less overwhelmed and make it easier for them to get a sense of how much time each task will take.

Avoid multi-step directions: Try not to give strings of directions or commands — “Pick up your socks, then do the bed, then hang up the clothes…”  Keep instructions clear and short, “Start by making your bed.” Then when one task is done, you can move on to the next, “Great job. Okay, now put the shoes away.”

Use a chart: If you don’t (and let’s be real, who does) have time to stage-manage your child as they clean, try making a task chart together. Write each job on a white board or piece of paper, and leave space for your child to check it off when they’re done. If having some incentive helps your child stay motivated you could offer a reward for finishing all the tasks on the list, like extra gaming time or a special treat for dessert.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Keep it simple

Make your child’s room as easy to clean, and keep clean, as possible.

- Declutter. Clutter is the enemy of clean. Get rid of old papers. Put papers or pictures you’d like to save into scrap books instead of piles. Donate old toys, books, clothes, and anything else your child no longer uses. Putting a to-be-donated box in the house can help encourage kids to participate, and be a good way to teach them about giving back.
- Make putting things away as easy by possible creating extra space. Store seasonal items, like winter coats and boots away when they’re not being used. Try to make sure kids’ closets and dressers are uncrowded and easy to use.
- When it comes to storage focus on finding solutions that fit your child’s needs. For example, younger kids will be more likely to put things away if storage is easy to reach and use, like low-down cubes with sliding baskets for putting toys away.

Get creative

Kids with ADHD often benefit from nontraditional solutions.  Remember, what does work is more important than what should work. For example, if your child has a hard time putting clothes in a dresser, get easy-to-use bins instead. One for clean clothes, one for will-wear-again items, and one for dirty laundry. Because…you guessed it. The easier a system is to use, the more likely your child will be to use it.

Build routines

Kids with ADHD benefit from clear routines and repetition. Knowing what’s expected of them, and having a clear understanding of how to meet those expectations, helps kids build confidence and executive functioning skills. Establishing routines can help kids get into a groove and become more independent when it comes to tidying up. For example, making their bed every day, or putting their shoes in the same place every time they come home.

For bigger jobs, stick to a schedule. For example, you could agree that your child will clean their room every Tuesday and Friday after school, instead of randomly suggesting they clean up when things get too messy. When kids know what to expect, and when they’re expected to do it, they feel more prepared and less overwhelmed. If your child benefits from ADHD medication when it’s time to clean, try to choose times when their meds will be working, for example weekend mornings, instead of weekday nights.

Be patient

Finally, and this is easier said than done, remember to be patient with your child as they learn these new skills. Building habits takes time, and children with ADHD are starting from a deficit. If your child was learning a second language, you wouldn’t expect them to be fluent overnight.

When your child does clean up offer positive, specific feedback, for example, “Thanks for putting your clothes away — that was a big help.” And let your child know that it’s okay not to be perfect right away. You’ll get there together.

It’s about more than a messy room

The benefits of helping your child learn the skills they need to get organized go far beyond a (finally) clean room. The messiness and disorganization that comes with ADHD can have a big impact on children’s self-esteem. Kids may feel embarrassed or ashamed by their struggles, and these negative feelings are often confirmed by outsiders — a friend who points out how messy they are, a fed-up teacher asking them why they don’t have their homework assignment again.

The cost of being messy can be even higher for girls, who are less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD, but more likely to be subjected to negative social feedback for being disorganized, or looking less-than put together.

Focusing on building your child’s executive functioning skills – and supporting their self-esteem – will help them feel more competent and confident both now and as they grow up. Not to mention that, hopefully, they’ll be doing that growing in a nice, clean room.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does my child with ADHD have such a messy room?

How can parents help kids with ADHD clean their room?

Parents can help kids with ADHD clean their rooms by breaking it down into smaller tasks. Use a chart to list what needs to be done and build routines to clean regularly, not just when it gets overwhelming.

How can parents help kids with ADHD keep their rooms clean?

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-why-your-child-with-adhd-has-such-a-messy-room-2/

And what parents can do about it

Writer: Rae Jacobson, MS

What You'll Learn

- Why do kids with ADHD have messy rooms?

- What are executive functioning skills?

- How can parents help kids with ADHD clean up their rooms?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- So what can parents do to help?

- Keep it simple

- Get creative

- Build routines

- Be patient

- It’s about more than a messy room

Kids with ADHD often have very messy rooms that result in losing things and lateness — Wait! I can’t find my soccer shoes! This frustrates parents, who can’t understand why these kids have so much trouble cleaning their room.

The problem is that children with ADHD struggle with executive functioning skills, which enable us to plan, prioritize, manage our time and get things done. It may seem simple to the rest of us, but they have trouble deciding what to do first, estimating how long things take, and staying focused. Sticking with a task that’s boring is especially hard for kids with ADHD.

Parents can help kids tackle the mess in their room by:

- Breaking “Clean your room!” down into smaller tasks

- Using a chart to list what needs to be done

- Building routines to clean at a regular time, not just when it gets overwhelming

For more details and suggestions, see the Full Article below.

Mess and ADHD go hand in hand, and with them comes chaos, lateness — Where is my coat?! — and frustration. Parents often find themselves at wit’s end, looking at their child and wondering: Why can’t you just clean your room??

The short answer?

Because for kids with ADHD, it’s not quite that simple. People with ADHD have a difficult time with many of the executive functioning skills most of us unconsciously use every day. These invisible skills are what enable us to plan, prioritize, manage our time, and get things done.

A person without ADHD might look at a messy room and think, “Okay. I’ve got an hour to get things done. First, make the bed, then pick up the laundry, then…”  But for a child with ADHD, that breakdown of what to do, when to do it, and how long it will take, isn’t automatic. Understanding how executive functioning issues affect kids with ADHD can help parents know what a child’s trouble spots are and how to help. Common issues include:

Prioritizing tasks: Deciding what needs to get done and in what order. For example, a child with ADHD might not understand that putting dirty laundry in the hamper takes priority over organizing all of their books by color.

Managing time: Figuring out how long smaller tasks will take, and how much time they’ll need to complete the whole job. For example, a child who has two hours to get their room cleaned up before friends come for a sleepover spends so much time on one small job, like clearing off their desk, they don’t have time to do the rest.

Staying focused: Getting off track or distracted. For example, they get caught up in reading a book instead of putting it back on the shelf.

Task initiation: Difficulty getting started, especially when the task at hand seems overwhelming, complicated, or boring (like, say, cleaning up a messy room). 

Transitions: Trouble shifting from one task to the next. For example, they might get stalled instead of moving from one cleaning job, like making the bed, to another, like putting their shoes away.

Self-regulation and impulse control: Sticking with a task, especially a boring one, is challenging for anyone. But for kids with ADHD who often lack the skills to regulate their behavior and control impulses it can feel impossible. This can look like frustration, giving up, or getting off track— I was cleaning up, I just decided to take a quick video game break!  And often ends in a rushed, messy job, like just shoving all their clutter under the bed, or just failing to finish at all.

So what can parents do to help?

Break it down: Instead of issuing a blanket order to “clean your room,” it helps to break the job into more manageable tasks. For example, let’s say your child needs to make the bed, put their laundry in the hamper, and bring dirty dishes to the kitchen sink. You could say, “Start by making your bed.” Then, when that’s done, you move on to the next task: “Ok, now pick up the laundry.” And so on. Doing one thing at a time can help kids feel less overwhelmed and make it easier for them to get a sense of how much time each task will take.

Avoid multi-step directions: Try not to give strings of directions or commands — “Pick up your socks, then do the bed, then hang up the clothes…”  Keep instructions clear and short, “Start by making your bed.” Then when one task is done, you can move on to the next, “Great job. Okay, now put the shoes away.”

Use a chart: If you don’t (and let’s be real, who does) have time to stage-manage your child as they clean, try making a task chart together. Write each job on a white board or piece of paper, and leave space for your child to check it off when they’re done. If having some incentive helps your child stay motivated you could offer a reward for finishing all the tasks on the list, like extra gaming time or a special treat for dessert.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Keep it simple

Make your child’s room as easy to clean, and keep clean, as possible.

- Declutter. Clutter is the enemy of clean. Get rid of old papers. Put papers or pictures you’d like to save into scrap books instead of piles. Donate old toys, books, clothes, and anything else your child no longer uses. Putting a to-be-donated box in the house can help encourage kids to participate, and be a good way to teach them about giving back.

- Make putting things away as easy by possible creating extra space. Store seasonal items, like winter coats and boots away when they’re not being used. Try to make sure kids’ closets and dressers are uncrowded and easy to use.

- When it comes to storage focus on finding solutions that fit your child’s needs. For example, younger kids will be more likely to put things away if storage is easy to reach and use, like low-down cubes with sliding baskets for putting toys away.

Get creative

Kids with ADHD often benefit from nontraditional solutions.  Remember, what does work is more important than what should work. For example, if your child has a hard time putting clothes in a dresser, get easy-to-use bins instead. One for clean clothes, one for will-wear-again items, and one for dirty laundry. Because…you guessed it. The easier a system is to use, the more likely your child will be to use it.

Build routines

Kids with ADHD benefit from clear routines and repetition. Knowing what’s expected of them, and having a clear understanding of how to meet those expectations, helps kids build confidence and executive functioning skills. Establishing routines can help kids get into a groove and become more independent when it comes to tidying up. For example, making their bed every day, or putting their shoes in the same place every time they come home.

For bigger jobs, stick to a schedule. For example, you could agree that your child will clean their room every Tuesday and Friday after school, instead of randomly suggesting they clean up when things get too messy. When kids know what to expect, and when they’re expected to do it, they feel more prepared and less overwhelmed. If your child benefits from ADHD medication when it’s time to clean, try to choose times when their meds will be working, for example weekend mornings, instead of weekday nights.

Be patient

Finally, and this is easier said than done, remember to be patient with your child as they learn these new skills. Building habits takes time, and children with ADHD are starting from a deficit. If your child was learning a second language, you wouldn’t expect them to be fluent overnight.

When your child does clean up offer positive, specific feedback, for example, “Thanks for putting your clothes away — that was a big help.” And let your child know that it’s okay not to be perfect right away. You’ll get there together.

It’s about more than a messy room

The benefits of helping your child learn the skills they need to get organized go far beyond a (finally) clean room. The messiness and disorganization that comes with ADHD can have a big impact on children’s self-esteem. Kids may feel embarrassed or ashamed by their struggles, and these negative feelings are often confirmed by outsiders — a friend who points out how messy they are, a fed-up teacher asking them why they don’t have their homework assignment again.

The cost of being messy can be even higher for girls, who are less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD, but more likely to be subjected to negative social feedback for being disorganized, or looking less-than put together.

Focusing on building your child’s executive functioning skills – and supporting their self-esteem – will help them feel more competent and confident both now and as they grow up. Not to mention that, hopefully, they’ll be doing that growing in a nice, clean room.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does my child with ADHD have such a messy room?

How can parents help kids with ADHD clean their room?

Parents can help kids with ADHD clean their rooms by breaking it down into smaller tasks. Use a chart to list what needs to be done and build routines to clean regularly, not just when it gets overwhelming.

How can parents help kids with ADHD keep their rooms clean? https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-why-your-child-with-adhd-has-such-a-messy-room-2/

Adriana Gonzalez-Chavez

MIDLAND, Texas (KMID/KPEJ) – Suicide is a leading cause of death in the U.S., and it impacts people from all backgrounds and ages, according to statistics from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

“It doesn’t discriminate; anybody can have this ideation,” Oceans Behavioral Health Care Therapist Chance Urias said. “Don’t forget to check on people.”

Urias said people fear discussing suicide with loved ones because they believe it will encourage them to commit suicide.

“In all actuality, that person already been thinking about it,” Urias said. “You have to ask questions. Are you okay? Especially if you notice them starting to withdraw and maybe give away their belongings, there’s some warning signs, but just be flat out, do you have a plan? Is there something going on? What’s going on?”

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-talking-to-loved-ones-about-suicide-and-mental-health/

Adriana Gonzalez-Chavez

MIDLAND, Texas (KMID/KPEJ) – Suicide is a leading cause of death in the U.S., and it impacts people from all backgrounds and ages, according to statistics from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

“It doesn’t discriminate; anybody can have this ideation,” Oceans Behavioral Health Care Therapist Chance Urias said. “Don’t forget to check on people.”

Urias said people fear discussing suicide with loved ones because they believe it will encourage them to commit suicide.

“In all actuality, that person already been thinking about it,” Urias said. “You have to ask questions. Are you okay? Especially if you notice them starting to withdraw and maybe give away their belongings, there’s some warning signs, but just be flat out, do you have a plan? Is there something going on? What’s going on?”

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=15769

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Tips for Communicating With Your Teen

Keeping the parent-child relationship strong during a tricky age

Writer: Rachel Ehmke

The teenage years have a lot in common with the terrible twos. During both stages our kids are doing exciting new things, but they’re also pushing boundaries (and buttons) and throwing tantrums. The major developmental task facing both age groups is also the same: kids must pull away from parents and begin to assert their own independence. No wonder they sometimes act as if they think they’re the center of the universe.

This makes for complicated parenting, especially because teens are beginning to make decisions about things that that have real consequence, like school and friends and driving, not to speak of substance use and sex. But they aren’t good at regulating their emotions yet, so teens are prone to taking risks and making impulsive decisions.

This means that having a healthy and trusting parent-child relationship during the teenage years is more important than ever. Staying close isn’t easy, though. Teens often aren’t very gracious when they are rejecting what they perceive to be parental interference. While they’re an open book to their friends, who they talk to constantly via social media, they might become mute when asked by mom how their day went. A request that seemed reasonable to dad may be received as a grievous outrage.

If this sounds familiar, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child is going through their terrible teens. It is a phase that will pass, and your job as parent is still vitally important, only the role may have changed slightly. Here are some tips for navigating the new terrain:

1. Listen. If you are curious about what’s going on in your teen’s life, asking direct questions might not be as effective as simply sitting back and listening. Kids are more likely to be open with their parents if they don’t feel pressured to share information. Remember even an offhand comment about something that happened during the day is their way of reaching out, and you’re likely to hear more if you stay open and interested — but not prying.

2. Validate their feelings. It is often our tendency to try to solve problems for our kids, or downplay their disappointments. But saying something like “They weren’t right for you anyway” after a romantic disappointment can feel dismissive. Instead, show kids that you understand and empathize by reflecting their sentiments back: “Wow, that does sound difficult.”

3. Show trust. Teens want to be taken seriously, especially by their parents. Look for ways to show that you trust your teen. Asking them for a favor shows that you rely on them. Volunteering a privilege shows that you think they can handle it. Letting your kid know you have faith in them will boost their confidence and make them more likely to rise to the occasion.

4. Don’t be a dictator. You still get to set the rules, but be ready to explain them. While pushing the boundaries is natural for teenagers, hearing your thoughtful explanation about why parties on school nights aren’t allowed will make the rule seem more reasonable.

5. Give praise. Parents tend to praise children more when they are younger, but adolescents need the self-esteem boost just as much. Teenagers might act like they’re too cool to care about what their parents think, but the truth is they still want your approval. And looking for opportunities to be positive and encouraging is good for the relationship, especially when it is feeling strained.

6. Control your emotions. It’s easy for your temper to flare when your teen is being rude, but don’t respond in kind. Remember that you’re the adult and they are less able to control their emotions or think logically when they’re upset. Count to ten or take some deep breaths before responding. If you’re both too upset to talk, hit pause until you’ve had a chance to calm down.

7. Do things together. Talking isn’t the only way to communicate, and during these years it’s great if you can spend time doing things you both enjoy, whether it’s cooking or hiking or going to the movies, without talking about anything personal. It’s important for kids to know that they can be in proximity to you, and share positive experiences, without having to worry that you will pop intrusive questions or call them out for something.

8. Share regular meals. Sitting down to eat a meal together as a family is another great way to stay close. Dinner conversations give every member of the family a chance to check in and talk casually about sports or television or politics. Kids who feel comfortable talking to parents about everyday things are likely to be more open when harder things come up, too. One rule: no phones allowed.

9. Be observant. It’s normal for kids to go through some changes as they mature, but pay attention if you notice changes to their mood, behavior, energy level, or appetite. Likewise, take note if they stop wanting to do things that used to make them happy, or if you notice them isolating. If you see a change in your teen’s daily ability to function, ask them about it and be supportive (without being judgmental). They may need your help and it could be a sign they needs to talk to a mental health professional.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I communicate better with my teenager?

In order to communicate better with your teenager, it’s important to keep your emotions in check and remember how challenging it is to be a teen. Listen to their perspective and validate their feelings, and praise them even for small things. It also helps to spend quality one-on-one time with your teen.

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-tips-for-communicating-with-your-teen-2/