Over 1,800 charities support #veterans in the UK but for those leaving the military, the transition remains stressful and lonely. Having access to #mentalhealthsupport for #veterans can make a fresh start easier.
Authored by Ellie Broughton · Reviewed by Dr Sarah Jarvis MBE
A few months ago the Government announced that for the first time, they would gather data on #veteran deaths by #suicide and launch a review into #veteran deaths by #suicide over the last 10 years. Before now, we have not recorded these data, despite the fact that #veterans face almost double the risk of #PTSD compared with non-#veteran members of the public (7.4% versus 4% according to 2018 data).
Michelle, 49, is a #veteran in the UK, and says she found transitioning back into civilian life very challenging.
"I completed three tours of #Afghanistan before my world changed," she says. "If I am honest I never really had the chance to transition through the normal route. Once I was medically discharged I moved back up north but unfortunately I was still in such a dark place that nothing really registered for a couple of years at least. I was struggling so much with the #PTSD that this consumed me and I never really had the opportunity or headspace to process my leaving of my dream career.
"I feel like I have still not come to terms with leaving as there was no real closure for me. (Because I was medically discharged) I never really had the opportunity to say goodbye to my comrades and friends, nor did I go through the standard resettlement process to prepare me for civilian life."
For Michelle, the most important thing is transition support for #veterans who left on medical grounds, and to offer #veterans therapy from specialists: "I would like to see a rehabilitation facility much like that for those with physical or medical illnesses or injuries. There should also be an opportunity for those injured mentally to be able to rehabilitate fully and be able to stay in.
"It would also be good for those #veterans struggling mentally, to receive therapy from someone who has been in the military, or at least understands military life," she adds. "I once had a young therapist straight out of training try to go through some trauma training with me. It was evident immediately that it was way above her head and she admitted she would have to refer me on. When you have been waiting to see a therapist for a long time, it is not helpful to have to be re-referred."
A life interrupted
Michael, 32, was made redundant from the RAF in 2011 when he was 21. "In my case, although I had only officially spent three years in the RAF," he says, "I'd basically committed my #adolescent life from about the age of 12 to achieving that entry into that career path.
"I officially left the service in 2012, by which point I had completed the first year of my undergraduate studies. During that year I never really processed my loss or grief and do not believe that steps were put in place to help me manage this.
"Later that year," he explains, "my first adult relationship broke down after I left the service, which I attributed to changes in my #behaviour and mood. I wasn't the person I used to be. I realised that something wasn't right and I was diagnosed with #depression. In my darkest periods I had no #self-esteem, no self-worth and did not see a future that had any purpose or any joy in it."
He notes that there was a huge amount of shame associated with how much he was struggling, particularly in light of the fact he was young, attending university and didn't have work or family responsibilities to worry about at the time.
He says Samaritans provided a valuable service that was easy for him to access when he needed it: "I first reached out to them during the winter of 2012. I found them a wonderful service - without being dramatic, it was lifesaving. This, combined with counselling, helped me through the toughest period, and it is a service I have continued to access in subsequent years." He and Michelle now both volunteer for Samaritans by sharing their experience with journalists covering #veteran #mentalhealth stories.
The medical director of UK charity Combat Stress, Dr Walter Busuttil, warned recently that in the last decade, the number of #veterans seeking their help has increased by 97%. (They help more than 2,000 new #veterans a year.) Those who served in #Afghanistan and Iraq show a particular need for support, he noted.
Risks for #female #veterans
Dr Lauren Godier-McBard is a senior research fellow at Anglia Ruskin's #Veterans and Families Institute for Military Social Research. Last summer she published We Also Served, a report into #women's well-being after service. She found evidence that #women are less likely than #men to access #mentalhealthservices - something already well demonstrated amongst US #veterans.
"Despite the fact that #women are a minority in the #veteran community - just 11% - only 6% of those accessing #NHS #veteran #mentalhealthservices are #women: half of what you would expect," she says.
A combination of factors inhibits #female #veterans, she explains: "#Women may see those services as a mirror of military culture. For those who've undergone experiences like bullying, harassment and violence - particularly from #male colleagues - they don't necessarily then feel comfortable going back into those environments again. #Women may also worry that #mentalhealthcareprofessionals in those services - which are set up predominantly around #men - don't understand the different needs #women in those services might have."
#Female factors
Dr Godier-McBard's work also showed that amongst #veterans, #women run the same risk of dying by #suicide as #men. This is a clear difference compared with the civilian population, where #men have a higher risk. She also nods to research by Prof Beverley Bergman, and from the King's Centre For Military Health Research. This found women who'd served in the military decades ago had faced much shorter careers (for example, being retired when they married or started a family) and greater exposure to what's known broadly as 'military adversity' - harassment, abuse or bullying.
Gathering more data on experience of service might not shine more light on the relationship it has with #mentalhealthproblems and #suicide, she warns: "There is a tendency, or there has been historically, to perpetuate the idea that #veterans are more likely to die by #suicide, or that there's an epidemic of #veteran #suicide, which isn't necessarily supported by data. My concern would be an over-interpretation of the findings, which for me are just a starting point."Our picks for What #mentalhealthsupport is available to #veterans?
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The role of therapy
Dr Justin Havers is a #psychotherapist who has worked with #veterans, and specialises in a form of therapy called Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR). He has recently co-written a study of 93 #patients that found online EMDR was an effective treatment for people who can't or prefer not to access in-person therapy.
Like Dr Godier-McBard, he feels that reports of a 'tsunami of need' overstate the #mentalhealthproblems of service leavers and #veterans. For him, the biggest issue for service leavers and #veterans is getting them to seek help in the first place.
"That's been one that's always traditionally been one of the big issues. You've got two factors of this: Is help available? And if so, is it the right help?” he says. "Over the last 20 years with the operations in #Iraq and #Afghanistan, obviously that's created another kind of 'bow wave' of requirement. But it's not the 'tsunami of need' that the media portrays ... Maybe five or six years ago, there was a narrative that said: "We've abandoned our #veterans, we don't provide any support, they're hopelessly let down." That’s not the case.
"But," he admits, "it is not as joined-up as it could be. When people leave the military, they lose a family, and that kind of transition can be really hard. That's often when problems manifest."
Hundreds of charities
In October 2021, Samaritans launched an app specifically to provide support for #veterans to help them self-manage #mentalhealthsymptoms. The app had been developed with support from the Ministry of Defence and #veterans with experience of #mentalhealthproblems after the Royal British Legion supported Samaritans to run focus groups with #veterans about their needs for #mentalhealthsupport.
Although he hasn't used Samaritans' app himself, Michael feels that if it had been available 10 years ago he would have done. "There's a degree of trust and professionalism and authority around that organisation pairing with the military," he says.
There are thought to be over 1,800 UK charities which specialise in helping #veterans, and for some service leavers and #veterans (and their clinicians), having so much choice can make it hard to know where to start.
Bringing it all together
One of the app's functions is to signpost users on to eight charities that specialise in #mentalhealthsupport: Samaritans, All Call Signs, Togetherall, the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Families Association (SSAFA), the Royal British Legion, Help for Heroes, Combat #Stress, and #PTSD Resolution. All the charities are members of one or both official service charity federations, Cobseo and Contact Armed Forces, which scrutinise and legitimise the work of charities.
Joseph Walcott is the military programme lead at Samaritans. He was in the Royal Artillery for seven years and left in 2017.
"No one really joins the military to potentially go and fight," he says. "It's about travelling, camaraderie, adventure, helping others and the opportunity perhaps, to give something and have a vocation and enjoy it. We wanted to be able to translate that as much as we could and incorporate that.
"We used focus groups to focus in on the content we would include. That means themes that we explored in the app are purely based from focus group feedback, subsequent focus groups and a literature review by the King's Centre. We really wanted to cover the key wants and needs service leavers might have during their transitional period."
Users have so far said the app was "useful" and easy to use - "what they've been waiting for": they found the podcasts and videos "inspiring", and called the tips and exercises "invaluable" on difficult days. The charity estimates that the app has been downloaded over 500 times to date, which, tracked against the estimated 4% of leavers with #mental or emotional challenges, appears to be registering the right level of engagement.
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Helplines for #veterans
Like anyone else, #veterans can access help from the NHS. Because #veterans run higher risks of some #mentalhealthdiagnoses (such as #PTSD), they also get access to a new #veteran-specific #mentalhealthservice called Op Courage. It merges three former services: the Transition, Intervention and Liaison Service (TILS), the Complex Treatment Service (CTS) and the Health High Intensity Service (HIS).
#Veterans can self-refer to Op Courage for assessment, or ask their GP for a referral.
For those looking for helplines where listeners specialise in supporting #veterans, Combat #Stress runs a 24-hour helpline (0800 138 1619) as well as text and email services. They also offer self-help guides for those who prefer not to contact anyone: guides cover #PTSD, substance and #alcohol misuse and physical health problems, and they also have a guide for partners or relatives of #veterans with #PTSD.
As ever, Samaritans' 24-hour line (116 123) is open to anyone (including #veterans) in distress or despair.
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/2022/02/jamesdonaldson-on-mentalhealth-what-mentalhealthsupport-is-available-to-veterans/
Thursday, February 3, 2022
Wednesday, February 2, 2022
Kate Stevens
#Suicide is preventable and its warning signs and treatment options should be discussed openly without judgement in order to erase its #stigma and decrease the number of people who take their own lives.
That’s the message coming from Susan Tolle, a volunteer with the #AmericanFoundationforSuicidePrevention, who presented the warning signs and risk factors for #suicide Wednesday at the Mooresville #HighSchool Performing Arts Center. The presentation comes in the wake of the death of local #highschool #student Mario Nathan Lopez, 17, who died by #suicide Nov. 10.
Tolle, a former member of AFSP’s North Carolina Board of Directors, shared her own daughter has tried to take her life three times. “I will live the rest of my life wondering if she will make four,” Tolle told the audience gathered for the presentation titled “Talk Saves Lives.”
Globally, 703,000 people die by #suicide each year, according to statistics released in September by the #WorldHealthOrganization, Tolle said, noting that number is probably much higher as many suicides are reported as accidental.
In the #UnitedStates, #suicide is the 10th leading cause of death with #boys taking their lives nearly four times more than #girls and #girls attempting #suicide 1.3 times more than #boys, Tolle said. Recent statistics from March 2021 show #girls ages 13 and 14 went to hospital emergency rooms for #mentalhealthcrises 50 percent more than they had in the prior three years, she said, which could be due to #mentalhealthcrises resulting from the #COVID-19 #pandemic. For every #suicide, 25 others attempt #suicide, she said.
In talking about #suicideprevention, “It’s important we treat #suicide as a health issue,” Tolle said. Most suicides involve #depression, an illness that is just like heart disease or diabetes and treatable with medication and other treatment options, she said.
Talking about #suicide and raising awareness about it are ways to prevent it, she said. The shameful stigma of #suicide is one road block communities must get past, she said.
“That’s the hardest thing to overcome when we deal with #suicideprevention is getting around that #stigma,” Tolle said.
One way to do that is to not associate #suicide with insanity, use words like “committed #suicide” or discuss “successful or failed” attempts,” she said.
“We are using language that perpetuates the #stigma so let’s totally change our vocabulary,” Tolle said. Instead, use the phrases “died by #suicide,” “ended their lives” or “killed themselves,” she said.
There is no single cause of #suicide although there are several factors. Nine out of 10 people who die by #suicide have a #mentalhealthcondition, she said, but that doesn’t mean you will die by #suicide if you have a #mentalhealthcondition like #depression or #bipolardisorder.
“Just because you have a #mentalhealth condition, you don’t have a nail in your coffin,” Tolle said.
Those at risk for #suicide include those with #mentalhealthconditions, chronic pain or health issues; historical factors like a family history of #suicide or #mentalhealthconditions, childhood abuse, extreme loss, or previous #suicideattempts; and environmental factors like prolonged #stress, a stressful life event or access to means of dying, she said.
The most important thing you can do is put time between a suicidal person and their way of ending their life which will reduce the impulsivity of killing themselves. Tolle also suggested limiting access to the means of #suicide. That includes locking up firearms and medication or working with communities to put barriers on bridges, she said.
The warning signs of #suicide include talking about killing themselves, changes in moods, increased use of #alcohol or #drugs, issues with sleep, acting recklessly, withdrawing from activities, isolating from family and friends and giving away possessions, she said.
To help that person, reach out to them privately, she said. “You have to ask the question ‘Are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you thinking about harming yourself?’” Tolle said.
Listen to them without judgment or overreaction and tell them you are there to help. Do not leave them alone if they express suicidal thoughts, secure access to any lethal means and go with them to a medical appointment or hospital, she said. “Don’t trust them to go alone,” she said.
By attending presentations like this one and having open discussions about #suicide, “We can make our culture open to talking more about #suicideawareness,” Tolle said.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call the #NationalSuicidePreventionLifeline at 1-800-273-TALK or text the word TALK to 741741.
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/2022/02/jamesdonaldson-on-mentalhealth-eliminating-the-stigma-suicide-should-be-treated-as-health-issue/
#Suicide is preventable and its warning signs and treatment options should be discussed openly without judgement in order to erase its #stigma and decrease the number of people who take their own lives.
That’s the message coming from Susan Tolle, a volunteer with the #AmericanFoundationforSuicidePrevention, who presented the warning signs and risk factors for #suicide Wednesday at the Mooresville #HighSchool Performing Arts Center. The presentation comes in the wake of the death of local #highschool #student Mario Nathan Lopez, 17, who died by #suicide Nov. 10.
Tolle, a former member of AFSP’s North Carolina Board of Directors, shared her own daughter has tried to take her life three times. “I will live the rest of my life wondering if she will make four,” Tolle told the audience gathered for the presentation titled “Talk Saves Lives.”
Globally, 703,000 people die by #suicide each year, according to statistics released in September by the #WorldHealthOrganization, Tolle said, noting that number is probably much higher as many suicides are reported as accidental.
In the #UnitedStates, #suicide is the 10th leading cause of death with #boys taking their lives nearly four times more than #girls and #girls attempting #suicide 1.3 times more than #boys, Tolle said. Recent statistics from March 2021 show #girls ages 13 and 14 went to hospital emergency rooms for #mentalhealthcrises 50 percent more than they had in the prior three years, she said, which could be due to #mentalhealthcrises resulting from the #COVID-19 #pandemic. For every #suicide, 25 others attempt #suicide, she said.
In talking about #suicideprevention, “It’s important we treat #suicide as a health issue,” Tolle said. Most suicides involve #depression, an illness that is just like heart disease or diabetes and treatable with medication and other treatment options, she said.
Talking about #suicide and raising awareness about it are ways to prevent it, she said. The shameful stigma of #suicide is one road block communities must get past, she said.
“That’s the hardest thing to overcome when we deal with #suicideprevention is getting around that #stigma,” Tolle said.
One way to do that is to not associate #suicide with insanity, use words like “committed #suicide” or discuss “successful or failed” attempts,” she said.
“We are using language that perpetuates the #stigma so let’s totally change our vocabulary,” Tolle said. Instead, use the phrases “died by #suicide,” “ended their lives” or “killed themselves,” she said.
There is no single cause of #suicide although there are several factors. Nine out of 10 people who die by #suicide have a #mentalhealthcondition, she said, but that doesn’t mean you will die by #suicide if you have a #mentalhealthcondition like #depression or #bipolardisorder.
“Just because you have a #mentalhealth condition, you don’t have a nail in your coffin,” Tolle said.
Those at risk for #suicide include those with #mentalhealthconditions, chronic pain or health issues; historical factors like a family history of #suicide or #mentalhealthconditions, childhood abuse, extreme loss, or previous #suicideattempts; and environmental factors like prolonged #stress, a stressful life event or access to means of dying, she said.
The most important thing you can do is put time between a suicidal person and their way of ending their life which will reduce the impulsivity of killing themselves. Tolle also suggested limiting access to the means of #suicide. That includes locking up firearms and medication or working with communities to put barriers on bridges, she said.
The warning signs of #suicide include talking about killing themselves, changes in moods, increased use of #alcohol or #drugs, issues with sleep, acting recklessly, withdrawing from activities, isolating from family and friends and giving away possessions, she said.
To help that person, reach out to them privately, she said. “You have to ask the question ‘Are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you thinking about harming yourself?’” Tolle said.
Listen to them without judgment or overreaction and tell them you are there to help. Do not leave them alone if they express suicidal thoughts, secure access to any lethal means and go with them to a medical appointment or hospital, she said. “Don’t trust them to go alone,” she said.
By attending presentations like this one and having open discussions about #suicide, “We can make our culture open to talking more about #suicideawareness,” Tolle said.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call the #NationalSuicidePreventionLifeline at 1-800-273-TALK or text the word TALK to 741741.
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/2022/02/jamesdonaldson-on-mentalhealth-eliminating-the-stigma-suicide-should-be-treated-as-health-issue/
Tuesday, February 1, 2022
Join James Donaldson on Standing Above the Crowd sports talk radio show
Saturday, February 5, 2022 at 10am (PST)
Special Guest: Former Washington State University Men's Basketball Coach George Raveling
Listen to the show live at 347-205-9631
or
Call in and submit your questions to the live show at 347-205-9631
George Raveling brief information
George Henry Raveling (born June 27, 1937) is an American former college basketball player and coach. He played at Villanova University, and was the head coach at Washington State University (1972–1983), the University of Iowa (1983–1986), and the University of Southern California (1986–1994).
Raveling has been Nike's global basketball sports marketing director since he retired from coaching in 1994. A former FOX Sports Net color commentator, he is a member of the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame.
Listen to the show live at 347-205-9631
or
Call in and submit your questions to the live show at 347-205-9631
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/2022/02/tune-in-and-listen-to-standing-above-the-crowd-with-james-donaldson-with-special-guest-coach-george-raveling/
Saturday, February 5, 2022 at 10am (PST)
Special Guest: Former Washington State University Men's Basketball Coach George Raveling
Listen to the show live at 347-205-9631
or
Call in and submit your questions to the live show at 347-205-9631
George Raveling brief information
George Henry Raveling (born June 27, 1937) is an American former college basketball player and coach. He played at Villanova University, and was the head coach at Washington State University (1972–1983), the University of Iowa (1983–1986), and the University of Southern California (1986–1994).
Raveling has been Nike's global basketball sports marketing director since he retired from coaching in 1994. A former FOX Sports Net color commentator, he is a member of the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame.
Listen to the show live at 347-205-9631
or
Call in and submit your questions to the live show at 347-205-9631
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/2022/02/tune-in-and-listen-to-standing-above-the-crowd-with-james-donaldson-with-special-guest-coach-george-raveling/
Saturday, January 8, 2022
Photo by Tristan Le on Pexels.com
By Erin P.
During the first few years of my husband’s journey navigating #mentalillness, people often told me that I needed to take care of my own health. When they offered this advice, I thought, “Sure, eventually. But we need to devote all our energy to getting him through this, and then we can focus on my health again.”
Four years later, my husband finally stabilized to the point where he no longer required hospitalizations. The constant worry about his health, however, had taken its toll on me. I felt constantly on edge; every symptom my husband displayed sent me into an #anxiety spiral. Amid the #stress of helping my husband recover, I forgot an important lesson: You need to help yourself before you can help others.
To anyone who may be caring for a #spouse or loved one and grappling with guilt when taking time for yourself, please remember that you are worthy of time and care — and the better you care for yourself, the better you can care for your loved one.
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
After reflecting on my journey as the #spouse of (and caregiver for) someone living with #mentalillness, I have identified four practices that improve my health and my relationship with my husband.
Embrace A Routine That Works For You
When your #spouse is ill, caregiving and balancing life’s challenges tend to throw off your typical routine, which I have found is key to maintaining your own health while caregiving.
Articles promoting self-care measures are constantly preaching the benefits of getting a massage or taking a bubble bath. The reality of the situation, however, is that one massage or one bubble bath is not going to fix a life that’s off-kilter. Rather, you need to develop daily habits that sustain you.
I have found that exercising helps me feel more energetic and balanced. I follow this with a daily devotional of studying religious texts, praying and sometimes meditating. Taking time for these activities each day reduces my #stress and helps me more effectively tackle everything on my to do list. I also take daily walks in the afternoons and make sure I’ve taken time in the week to talk with a family member or a close friend.
This routine is what fulfills, relaxes and encourages me &mdashes; and I stick to it, even when my husband is unwell. I encourage you to cultivate the daily habits that sustain you, and to maintain these practices even during stressful times.
Find Your Circle
Another critical step in maintaining your own well-being is forming a trusted circle of people who can help you care for your #spouse. This group should be informed of your spouse’s health condition and willing to step in when you need support. All the caregiving should not and cannot fall to you. Sharing the load prevents you from burnout and strengthens your relationship with your #spouse as well.
Finding and developing this inner circle can be challenging. It requires an honest conversation with the people in your life; let them know what’s going on and what you might need. For me, this circle includes family, a few close friends and religious leaders. When my husband and I are struggling, I can reach out to them for help without having to explain the situation.
Recently, when my husband was struggling, I had to take on more household responsibilities on top of taking care of him and balancing a difficult work schedule. On top of it, my family coming to town, which added extra work to my plate. So I asked my mom to spend a few hours helping me once she arrived. She was happy to help, and I felt some of my burden was lifted.
Relying on your trusted circle means asking for help when you need it. This can make you feel vulnerable, but often you’ll find that there are people willing to help, they just don’t know how. Being clear about your situation helps them help you. It’s also important to remember that the loved ones worthy of your confidence will be understanding when it comes to your spouse’s #mentalhealthcondition.
Open Up
When your #spouse is struggling, and you’re shouldering much of the caregiving responsibilities, you’re going to need to talk about your experiences. Bottling fears, thoughts and even resentments can make these feelings even more powerful and hurtful.
One option is to share with a trusted family member or friend. If you don’t want to betray your spouse’s trust by talking in depth about their health and struggles, you can talk about how the situation is affecting you. Your feelings are valid and worthy of attention.
However, perhaps the best source for guidance and support is the right therapist. I say the “right therapist” because some are going to be a better fit for you than others. You may want to gather recommendations and meet with several practitioners to see what relationship fits best. Personally, I found that when I sought treatment for my anxiety through therapy and medication, my capacity to support my husband was greatly enhanced. I had the same life struggles as before, but I felt better able to handle them.
I’ve also found support groups to be extremely helpful. Being able to talk with others in a similar situation and share wisdom from your #mentalhealth journey is so important. I attended a #NAMI Family-to-Family class and then a #NAMI support group for spouses and partners, both of which I would highly recommend. As I heard other people talk about their situations, I felt that I wasn’t alone in my struggle. Being able to offer friendship and advice to others in similar circumstances also brought meaning to my challenges.
Look For The Good
My final recommendation is to look for the good in your life. If your #spouse is struggling with an illness, it can feel like your life turned out much differently than you imagined — and this can be a painful realization. But there are always going to be small victories and unexpected joys. Keeping a gratitude journal and looking for the small blessings will sustain you. This also provides a unique opportunity to notice your spouse’s strengths and what you love about them.
Even in my husband’s lowest times, his love for me has never wavered. Once while he was in the hospital, he made me a beautiful origami flower. I put the flower in a vase and will keep it for the rest of my life as a reminder that, while our lives may have turned out differently than we planned, our love for each other is always there.
I hope that you, too, have your own “origami flower” to hold onto during the darker times as you hope for a better tomorrow.
Erin P. is a writer and English #teacher living in Virginia with her husband. In her free time, she enjoys swimming, biking, Zumba, reading and serving the #youth at her church. She is a proud #mentalhealth advocate and recently launched a website for spouses of people with #mentalillness.
Photo by Tristan Le on Pexels.com
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=8558
By Erin P.
During the first few years of my husband’s journey navigating #mentalillness, people often told me that I needed to take care of my own health. When they offered this advice, I thought, “Sure, eventually. But we need to devote all our energy to getting him through this, and then we can focus on my health again.”
Four years later, my husband finally stabilized to the point where he no longer required hospitalizations. The constant worry about his health, however, had taken its toll on me. I felt constantly on edge; every symptom my husband displayed sent me into an #anxiety spiral. Amid the #stress of helping my husband recover, I forgot an important lesson: You need to help yourself before you can help others.
To anyone who may be caring for a #spouse or loved one and grappling with guilt when taking time for yourself, please remember that you are worthy of time and care — and the better you care for yourself, the better you can care for your loved one.
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
After reflecting on my journey as the #spouse of (and caregiver for) someone living with #mentalillness, I have identified four practices that improve my health and my relationship with my husband.
Embrace A Routine That Works For You
When your #spouse is ill, caregiving and balancing life’s challenges tend to throw off your typical routine, which I have found is key to maintaining your own health while caregiving.
Articles promoting self-care measures are constantly preaching the benefits of getting a massage or taking a bubble bath. The reality of the situation, however, is that one massage or one bubble bath is not going to fix a life that’s off-kilter. Rather, you need to develop daily habits that sustain you.
I have found that exercising helps me feel more energetic and balanced. I follow this with a daily devotional of studying religious texts, praying and sometimes meditating. Taking time for these activities each day reduces my #stress and helps me more effectively tackle everything on my to do list. I also take daily walks in the afternoons and make sure I’ve taken time in the week to talk with a family member or a close friend.
This routine is what fulfills, relaxes and encourages me &mdashes; and I stick to it, even when my husband is unwell. I encourage you to cultivate the daily habits that sustain you, and to maintain these practices even during stressful times.
Find Your Circle
Another critical step in maintaining your own well-being is forming a trusted circle of people who can help you care for your #spouse. This group should be informed of your spouse’s health condition and willing to step in when you need support. All the caregiving should not and cannot fall to you. Sharing the load prevents you from burnout and strengthens your relationship with your #spouse as well.
Finding and developing this inner circle can be challenging. It requires an honest conversation with the people in your life; let them know what’s going on and what you might need. For me, this circle includes family, a few close friends and religious leaders. When my husband and I are struggling, I can reach out to them for help without having to explain the situation.
Recently, when my husband was struggling, I had to take on more household responsibilities on top of taking care of him and balancing a difficult work schedule. On top of it, my family coming to town, which added extra work to my plate. So I asked my mom to spend a few hours helping me once she arrived. She was happy to help, and I felt some of my burden was lifted.
Relying on your trusted circle means asking for help when you need it. This can make you feel vulnerable, but often you’ll find that there are people willing to help, they just don’t know how. Being clear about your situation helps them help you. It’s also important to remember that the loved ones worthy of your confidence will be understanding when it comes to your spouse’s #mentalhealthcondition.
Open Up
When your #spouse is struggling, and you’re shouldering much of the caregiving responsibilities, you’re going to need to talk about your experiences. Bottling fears, thoughts and even resentments can make these feelings even more powerful and hurtful.
One option is to share with a trusted family member or friend. If you don’t want to betray your spouse’s trust by talking in depth about their health and struggles, you can talk about how the situation is affecting you. Your feelings are valid and worthy of attention.
However, perhaps the best source for guidance and support is the right therapist. I say the “right therapist” because some are going to be a better fit for you than others. You may want to gather recommendations and meet with several practitioners to see what relationship fits best. Personally, I found that when I sought treatment for my anxiety through therapy and medication, my capacity to support my husband was greatly enhanced. I had the same life struggles as before, but I felt better able to handle them.
I’ve also found support groups to be extremely helpful. Being able to talk with others in a similar situation and share wisdom from your #mentalhealth journey is so important. I attended a #NAMI Family-to-Family class and then a #NAMI support group for spouses and partners, both of which I would highly recommend. As I heard other people talk about their situations, I felt that I wasn’t alone in my struggle. Being able to offer friendship and advice to others in similar circumstances also brought meaning to my challenges.
Look For The Good
My final recommendation is to look for the good in your life. If your #spouse is struggling with an illness, it can feel like your life turned out much differently than you imagined — and this can be a painful realization. But there are always going to be small victories and unexpected joys. Keeping a gratitude journal and looking for the small blessings will sustain you. This also provides a unique opportunity to notice your spouse’s strengths and what you love about them.
Even in my husband’s lowest times, his love for me has never wavered. Once while he was in the hospital, he made me a beautiful origami flower. I put the flower in a vase and will keep it for the rest of my life as a reminder that, while our lives may have turned out differently than we planned, our love for each other is always there.
I hope that you, too, have your own “origami flower” to hold onto during the darker times as you hope for a better tomorrow.
Erin P. is a writer and English #teacher living in Virginia with her husband. In her free time, she enjoys swimming, biking, Zumba, reading and serving the #youth at her church. She is a proud #mentalhealth advocate and recently launched a website for spouses of people with #mentalillness.
Photo by Tristan Le on Pexels.com
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=8558
Photo by Tristan Le on Pexels.com
By Erin P.
During the first few years of my husband’s journey navigating #mentalillness, people often told me that I needed to take care of my own health. When they offered this advice, I thought, “Sure, eventually. But we need to devote all our energy to getting him through this, and then we can focus on my health again.”
Four years later, my husband finally stabilized to the point where he no longer required hospitalizations. The constant worry about his health, however, had taken its toll on me. I felt constantly on edge; every symptom my husband displayed sent me into an #anxiety spiral. Amid the #stress of helping my husband recover, I forgot an important lesson: You need to help yourself before you can help others.
To anyone who may be caring for a #spouse or loved one and grappling with guilt when taking time for yourself, please remember that you are worthy of time and care — and the better you care for yourself, the better you can care for your loved one.
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
After reflecting on my journey as the #spouse of (and caregiver for) someone living with #mentalillness, I have identified four practices that improve my health and my relationship with my husband.
Embrace A Routine That Works For You
When your #spouse is ill, caregiving and balancing life’s challenges tend to throw off your typical routine, which I have found is key to maintaining your own health while caregiving.
Articles promoting self-care measures are constantly preaching the benefits of getting a massage or taking a bubble bath. The reality of the situation, however, is that one massage or one bubble bath is not going to fix a life that’s off-kilter. Rather, you need to develop daily habits that sustain you.
I have found that exercising helps me feel more energetic and balanced. I follow this with a daily devotional of studying religious texts, praying and sometimes meditating. Taking time for these activities each day reduces my #stress and helps me more effectively tackle everything on my to do list. I also take daily walks in the afternoons and make sure I’ve taken time in the week to talk with a family member or a close friend.
This routine is what fulfills, relaxes and encourages me &mdashes; and I stick to it, even when my husband is unwell. I encourage you to cultivate the daily habits that sustain you, and to maintain these practices even during stressful times.
Find Your Circle
Another critical step in maintaining your own well-being is forming a trusted circle of people who can help you care for your #spouse. This group should be informed of your spouse’s health condition and willing to step in when you need support. All the caregiving should not and cannot fall to you. Sharing the load prevents you from burnout and strengthens your relationship with your #spouse as well.
Finding and developing this inner circle can be challenging. It requires an honest conversation with the people in your life; let them know what’s going on and what you might need. For me, this circle includes family, a few close friends and religious leaders. When my husband and I are struggling, I can reach out to them for help without having to explain the situation.
Recently, when my husband was struggling, I had to take on more household responsibilities on top of taking care of him and balancing a difficult work schedule. On top of it, my family coming to town, which added extra work to my plate. So I asked my mom to spend a few hours helping me once she arrived. She was happy to help, and I felt some of my burden was lifted.
Relying on your trusted circle means asking for help when you need it. This can make you feel vulnerable, but often you’ll find that there are people willing to help, they just don’t know how. Being clear about your situation helps them help you. It’s also important to remember that the loved ones worthy of your confidence will be understanding when it comes to your spouse’s #mentalhealthcondition.
Open Up
When your #spouse is struggling, and you’re shouldering much of the caregiving responsibilities, you’re going to need to talk about your experiences. Bottling fears, thoughts and even resentments can make these feelings even more powerful and hurtful.
One option is to share with a trusted family member or friend. If you don’t want to betray your spouse’s trust by talking in depth about their health and struggles, you can talk about how the situation is affecting you. Your feelings are valid and worthy of attention.
However, perhaps the best source for guidance and support is the right therapist. I say the “right therapist” because some are going to be a better fit for you than others. You may want to gather recommendations and meet with several practitioners to see what relationship fits best. Personally, I found that when I sought treatment for my anxiety through therapy and medication, my capacity to support my husband was greatly enhanced. I had the same life struggles as before, but I felt better able to handle them.
I’ve also found support groups to be extremely helpful. Being able to talk with others in a similar situation and share wisdom from your #mentalhealth journey is so important. I attended a #NAMI Family-to-Family class and then a #NAMI support group for spouses and partners, both of which I would highly recommend. As I heard other people talk about their situations, I felt that I wasn’t alone in my struggle. Being able to offer friendship and advice to others in similar circumstances also brought meaning to my challenges.
Look For The Good
My final recommendation is to look for the good in your life. If your #spouse is struggling with an illness, it can feel like your life turned out much differently than you imagined — and this can be a painful realization. But there are always going to be small victories and unexpected joys. Keeping a gratitude journal and looking for the small blessings will sustain you. This also provides a unique opportunity to notice your spouse’s strengths and what you love about them.
Even in my husband’s lowest times, his love for me has never wavered. Once while he was in the hospital, he made me a beautiful origami flower. I put the flower in a vase and will keep it for the rest of my life as a reminder that, while our lives may have turned out differently than we planned, our love for each other is always there.
I hope that you, too, have your own “origami flower” to hold onto during the darker times as you hope for a better tomorrow.
Erin P. is a writer and English #teacher living in Virginia with her husband. In her free time, she enjoys swimming, biking, Zumba, reading and serving the #youth at her church. She is a proud #mentalhealth advocate and recently launched a website for spouses of people with #mentalillness.
Photo by Tristan Le on Pexels.com
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=8558
By Erin P.
During the first few years of my husband’s journey navigating #mentalillness, people often told me that I needed to take care of my own health. When they offered this advice, I thought, “Sure, eventually. But we need to devote all our energy to getting him through this, and then we can focus on my health again.”
Four years later, my husband finally stabilized to the point where he no longer required hospitalizations. The constant worry about his health, however, had taken its toll on me. I felt constantly on edge; every symptom my husband displayed sent me into an #anxiety spiral. Amid the #stress of helping my husband recover, I forgot an important lesson: You need to help yourself before you can help others.
To anyone who may be caring for a #spouse or loved one and grappling with guilt when taking time for yourself, please remember that you are worthy of time and care — and the better you care for yourself, the better you can care for your loved one.
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
After reflecting on my journey as the #spouse of (and caregiver for) someone living with #mentalillness, I have identified four practices that improve my health and my relationship with my husband.
Embrace A Routine That Works For You
When your #spouse is ill, caregiving and balancing life’s challenges tend to throw off your typical routine, which I have found is key to maintaining your own health while caregiving.
Articles promoting self-care measures are constantly preaching the benefits of getting a massage or taking a bubble bath. The reality of the situation, however, is that one massage or one bubble bath is not going to fix a life that’s off-kilter. Rather, you need to develop daily habits that sustain you.
I have found that exercising helps me feel more energetic and balanced. I follow this with a daily devotional of studying religious texts, praying and sometimes meditating. Taking time for these activities each day reduces my #stress and helps me more effectively tackle everything on my to do list. I also take daily walks in the afternoons and make sure I’ve taken time in the week to talk with a family member or a close friend.
This routine is what fulfills, relaxes and encourages me &mdashes; and I stick to it, even when my husband is unwell. I encourage you to cultivate the daily habits that sustain you, and to maintain these practices even during stressful times.
Find Your Circle
Another critical step in maintaining your own well-being is forming a trusted circle of people who can help you care for your #spouse. This group should be informed of your spouse’s health condition and willing to step in when you need support. All the caregiving should not and cannot fall to you. Sharing the load prevents you from burnout and strengthens your relationship with your #spouse as well.
Finding and developing this inner circle can be challenging. It requires an honest conversation with the people in your life; let them know what’s going on and what you might need. For me, this circle includes family, a few close friends and religious leaders. When my husband and I are struggling, I can reach out to them for help without having to explain the situation.
Recently, when my husband was struggling, I had to take on more household responsibilities on top of taking care of him and balancing a difficult work schedule. On top of it, my family coming to town, which added extra work to my plate. So I asked my mom to spend a few hours helping me once she arrived. She was happy to help, and I felt some of my burden was lifted.
Relying on your trusted circle means asking for help when you need it. This can make you feel vulnerable, but often you’ll find that there are people willing to help, they just don’t know how. Being clear about your situation helps them help you. It’s also important to remember that the loved ones worthy of your confidence will be understanding when it comes to your spouse’s #mentalhealthcondition.
Open Up
When your #spouse is struggling, and you’re shouldering much of the caregiving responsibilities, you’re going to need to talk about your experiences. Bottling fears, thoughts and even resentments can make these feelings even more powerful and hurtful.
One option is to share with a trusted family member or friend. If you don’t want to betray your spouse’s trust by talking in depth about their health and struggles, you can talk about how the situation is affecting you. Your feelings are valid and worthy of attention.
However, perhaps the best source for guidance and support is the right therapist. I say the “right therapist” because some are going to be a better fit for you than others. You may want to gather recommendations and meet with several practitioners to see what relationship fits best. Personally, I found that when I sought treatment for my anxiety through therapy and medication, my capacity to support my husband was greatly enhanced. I had the same life struggles as before, but I felt better able to handle them.
I’ve also found support groups to be extremely helpful. Being able to talk with others in a similar situation and share wisdom from your #mentalhealth journey is so important. I attended a #NAMI Family-to-Family class and then a #NAMI support group for spouses and partners, both of which I would highly recommend. As I heard other people talk about their situations, I felt that I wasn’t alone in my struggle. Being able to offer friendship and advice to others in similar circumstances also brought meaning to my challenges.
Look For The Good
My final recommendation is to look for the good in your life. If your #spouse is struggling with an illness, it can feel like your life turned out much differently than you imagined — and this can be a painful realization. But there are always going to be small victories and unexpected joys. Keeping a gratitude journal and looking for the small blessings will sustain you. This also provides a unique opportunity to notice your spouse’s strengths and what you love about them.
Even in my husband’s lowest times, his love for me has never wavered. Once while he was in the hospital, he made me a beautiful origami flower. I put the flower in a vase and will keep it for the rest of my life as a reminder that, while our lives may have turned out differently than we planned, our love for each other is always there.
I hope that you, too, have your own “origami flower” to hold onto during the darker times as you hope for a better tomorrow.
Erin P. is a writer and English #teacher living in Virginia with her husband. In her free time, she enjoys swimming, biking, Zumba, reading and serving the #youth at her church. She is a proud #mentalhealth advocate and recently launched a website for spouses of people with #mentalillness.
Photo by Tristan Le on Pexels.com
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=8558
Friday, January 7, 2022
Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com
By Ginger Robertson
Nothing fully prepared me for my daughter’s #mentalhealth journey, not even being a #nurse with a personal history of #mentalillness. I am not proud of how I discovered that she was suffering, nor do I recommend it; I happened upon and read one of her private emails. However, I can’t say I regret finding out what was going on with my #daughter. That email started a journey that may have saved her life — what I regret is that I was not able to intervene sooner.
As I grappled with my regrets, I told myself that I could have prevented my daughter’s pain, and I convinced myself that it was my responsibility to ensure she never struggled again. However, as both my #daughter and I have progressed in our #mentalhealth journeys, I have learned that my guilt was lying to me — that it placed far too much blame on me and left little room for understanding, healing and acceptance.
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
I want to share some of these lies and how I overcame my negative internal dialogue.
I Should Have Been Telepathic
I often scolded myself for not knowing what my #daughter was going through.
I should have seen the signs. There were some signs. Why was I so blind? I am a terrible mother for not being more in tune with my child, for not knowing.
With time and reflection, I realized that even good #parents can’t always know how their #children are feeling. My #daughter did not tell me what she was going through for many months; she purposefully hid her pain from me. While it hurts me that she didn’t confide in me, I have come to understand that this was her journey, and she had her reasons for wanting privacy. Ultimately, I had no way of knowing early on.
It’s All My Fault
As my #daughter struggled with her #mentalhealth, I believed that my parenting was responsible for her pain.
This is happening because I did A, B and C (insert a moment in time or a decision) and I did not do X, Y or Z. I should have known better. I should have...I could have...If I had only...
As I have reflected on the last decade, I have truly come to understand that no one is “at fault” for our situation, and I cannot claim responsibility. My daughter’s #mentalillness could have had many origins: Perhaps she struggled because our family has a genetic predisposition to #mentalillness, or maybe she internalized negative messages that our society markets to young #women.
What I know is that I have done my best in raising her, and I have to trust that I loved my #daughter and prepared her for life in every way I know how.
It Is My Job To “Fix” It
After discovering that my daughter was struggling, I slept on the floor of her room every night for more than a month, just to make sure she was safe. I barely slept during this time and felt like I had to track her every movement. If she did not answer the phone, I called all her friends asking if they had heard from her within the last five minutes. I called her work. I gave myself panic attacks doing these things. I locked up every potentially sharp object in my home.
With time, I’ve learned that I can’t fix everything, and my #daughter has the right to decide how she will cope. It took both time and counseling for me to trust my #daughter to care for herself after I discovered she was struggling. I can even remember the feeling of trust returning during a joint counseling session. Ultimately, our relationship and communication improved, especially after I encouraged her to feel empowered to make the best decisions for herself.
My Advice To Caregivers Who Blame Themselves
To any caregivers experiencing a similar internal dialogue, please know that it is ok to go through a process of guilt and doubt. It is ok that you may have told yourself these lies — in fact, it is normal. What I will ask of you is that you don’t get stuck in the lies. Breaking free of blame and guilt will allow you to better care for your loved one.
I also urge you to be #patient with yourself; one self-talk session wasn’t enough for me to overcome an overwhelming internal dialogue. Talk therapy with trained professionals helped me to understand what I was feeling and how to step back and address it. It took multiple sessions and lots of time.
Moving Forward
For a long time, I questioned my closeness with my #daughter and my abilities as a #parent. I thought we were close, but how close could we have been if she didn’t confide in me? Shouldn’t our relationship have protected her from pain?
Now, I can tell myself that we were close, and I was there for her. I took action and helped her get the care she needed. As a result of this caregiving journey, she and I have become even closer. We’ve learned so much about each other and about how to communicate; this new closeness is real, raw and growing.
My hope is that other caregivers can reach this point, with the support of loved ones and #mentalhealthcareprofessionals. I did not get here without caring for myself with the same vigor that I cared for my #daughter. By processing my situation and leaning on a supportive circle, I was able to prioritize my own #mentalhealth and be strong for my #daughter. Caregivers deserve healing, too.
I wish anyone in this position luck in their healing. It can be a lengthy process — but it’s doable and worth it.
Ginger Robertson, an RN of nine years, entered nursing school the year her daughter started kindergarten in order to better her life. Now 17, her daughter is attending to the University of Dakota, majoring in #psychology. Ginger hopes their story will offer hope to other families living with #mentalillness.
Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=8556
By Ginger Robertson
Nothing fully prepared me for my daughter’s #mentalhealth journey, not even being a #nurse with a personal history of #mentalillness. I am not proud of how I discovered that she was suffering, nor do I recommend it; I happened upon and read one of her private emails. However, I can’t say I regret finding out what was going on with my #daughter. That email started a journey that may have saved her life — what I regret is that I was not able to intervene sooner.
As I grappled with my regrets, I told myself that I could have prevented my daughter’s pain, and I convinced myself that it was my responsibility to ensure she never struggled again. However, as both my #daughter and I have progressed in our #mentalhealth journeys, I have learned that my guilt was lying to me — that it placed far too much blame on me and left little room for understanding, healing and acceptance.
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
I want to share some of these lies and how I overcame my negative internal dialogue.
I Should Have Been Telepathic
I often scolded myself for not knowing what my #daughter was going through.
I should have seen the signs. There were some signs. Why was I so blind? I am a terrible mother for not being more in tune with my child, for not knowing.
With time and reflection, I realized that even good #parents can’t always know how their #children are feeling. My #daughter did not tell me what she was going through for many months; she purposefully hid her pain from me. While it hurts me that she didn’t confide in me, I have come to understand that this was her journey, and she had her reasons for wanting privacy. Ultimately, I had no way of knowing early on.
It’s All My Fault
As my #daughter struggled with her #mentalhealth, I believed that my parenting was responsible for her pain.
This is happening because I did A, B and C (insert a moment in time or a decision) and I did not do X, Y or Z. I should have known better. I should have...I could have...If I had only...
As I have reflected on the last decade, I have truly come to understand that no one is “at fault” for our situation, and I cannot claim responsibility. My daughter’s #mentalillness could have had many origins: Perhaps she struggled because our family has a genetic predisposition to #mentalillness, or maybe she internalized negative messages that our society markets to young #women.
What I know is that I have done my best in raising her, and I have to trust that I loved my #daughter and prepared her for life in every way I know how.
It Is My Job To “Fix” It
After discovering that my daughter was struggling, I slept on the floor of her room every night for more than a month, just to make sure she was safe. I barely slept during this time and felt like I had to track her every movement. If she did not answer the phone, I called all her friends asking if they had heard from her within the last five minutes. I called her work. I gave myself panic attacks doing these things. I locked up every potentially sharp object in my home.
With time, I’ve learned that I can’t fix everything, and my #daughter has the right to decide how she will cope. It took both time and counseling for me to trust my #daughter to care for herself after I discovered she was struggling. I can even remember the feeling of trust returning during a joint counseling session. Ultimately, our relationship and communication improved, especially after I encouraged her to feel empowered to make the best decisions for herself.
My Advice To Caregivers Who Blame Themselves
To any caregivers experiencing a similar internal dialogue, please know that it is ok to go through a process of guilt and doubt. It is ok that you may have told yourself these lies — in fact, it is normal. What I will ask of you is that you don’t get stuck in the lies. Breaking free of blame and guilt will allow you to better care for your loved one.
I also urge you to be #patient with yourself; one self-talk session wasn’t enough for me to overcome an overwhelming internal dialogue. Talk therapy with trained professionals helped me to understand what I was feeling and how to step back and address it. It took multiple sessions and lots of time.
Moving Forward
For a long time, I questioned my closeness with my #daughter and my abilities as a #parent. I thought we were close, but how close could we have been if she didn’t confide in me? Shouldn’t our relationship have protected her from pain?
Now, I can tell myself that we were close, and I was there for her. I took action and helped her get the care she needed. As a result of this caregiving journey, she and I have become even closer. We’ve learned so much about each other and about how to communicate; this new closeness is real, raw and growing.
My hope is that other caregivers can reach this point, with the support of loved ones and #mentalhealthcareprofessionals. I did not get here without caring for myself with the same vigor that I cared for my #daughter. By processing my situation and leaning on a supportive circle, I was able to prioritize my own #mentalhealth and be strong for my #daughter. Caregivers deserve healing, too.
I wish anyone in this position luck in their healing. It can be a lengthy process — but it’s doable and worth it.
Ginger Robertson, an RN of nine years, entered nursing school the year her daughter started kindergarten in order to better her life. Now 17, her daughter is attending to the University of Dakota, majoring in #psychology. Ginger hopes their story will offer hope to other families living with #mentalillness.
Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=8556
Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com
By Ginger Robertson
Nothing fully prepared me for my daughter’s #mentalhealth journey, not even being a #nurse with a personal history of #mentalillness. I am not proud of how I discovered that she was suffering, nor do I recommend it; I happened upon and read one of her private emails. However, I can’t say I regret finding out what was going on with my #daughter. That email started a journey that may have saved her life — what I regret is that I was not able to intervene sooner.
As I grappled with my regrets, I told myself that I could have prevented my daughter’s pain, and I convinced myself that it was my responsibility to ensure she never struggled again. However, as both my #daughter and I have progressed in our #mentalhealth journeys, I have learned that my guilt was lying to me — that it placed far too much blame on me and left little room for understanding, healing and acceptance.
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
I want to share some of these lies and how I overcame my negative internal dialogue.
I Should Have Been Telepathic
I often scolded myself for not knowing what my #daughter was going through.
I should have seen the signs. There were some signs. Why was I so blind? I am a terrible mother for not being more in tune with my child, for not knowing.
With time and reflection, I realized that even good #parents can’t always know how their #children are feeling. My #daughter did not tell me what she was going through for many months; she purposefully hid her pain from me. While it hurts me that she didn’t confide in me, I have come to understand that this was her journey, and she had her reasons for wanting privacy. Ultimately, I had no way of knowing early on.
It’s All My Fault
As my #daughter struggled with her #mentalhealth, I believed that my parenting was responsible for her pain.
This is happening because I did A, B and C (insert a moment in time or a decision) and I did not do X, Y or Z. I should have known better. I should have...I could have...If I had only...
As I have reflected on the last decade, I have truly come to understand that no one is “at fault” for our situation, and I cannot claim responsibility. My daughter’s #mentalillness could have had many origins: Perhaps she struggled because our family has a genetic predisposition to #mentalillness, or maybe she internalized negative messages that our society markets to young #women.
What I know is that I have done my best in raising her, and I have to trust that I loved my #daughter and prepared her for life in every way I know how.
It Is My Job To “Fix” It
After discovering that my daughter was struggling, I slept on the floor of her room every night for more than a month, just to make sure she was safe. I barely slept during this time and felt like I had to track her every movement. If she did not answer the phone, I called all her friends asking if they had heard from her within the last five minutes. I called her work. I gave myself panic attacks doing these things. I locked up every potentially sharp object in my home.
With time, I’ve learned that I can’t fix everything, and my #daughter has the right to decide how she will cope. It took both time and counseling for me to trust my #daughter to care for herself after I discovered she was struggling. I can even remember the feeling of trust returning during a joint counseling session. Ultimately, our relationship and communication improved, especially after I encouraged her to feel empowered to make the best decisions for herself.
My Advice To Caregivers Who Blame Themselves
To any caregivers experiencing a similar internal dialogue, please know that it is ok to go through a process of guilt and doubt. It is ok that you may have told yourself these lies — in fact, it is normal. What I will ask of you is that you don’t get stuck in the lies. Breaking free of blame and guilt will allow you to better care for your loved one.
I also urge you to be #patient with yourself; one self-talk session wasn’t enough for me to overcome an overwhelming internal dialogue. Talk therapy with trained professionals helped me to understand what I was feeling and how to step back and address it. It took multiple sessions and lots of time.
Moving Forward
For a long time, I questioned my closeness with my #daughter and my abilities as a #parent. I thought we were close, but how close could we have been if she didn’t confide in me? Shouldn’t our relationship have protected her from pain?
Now, I can tell myself that we were close, and I was there for her. I took action and helped her get the care she needed. As a result of this caregiving journey, she and I have become even closer. We’ve learned so much about each other and about how to communicate; this new closeness is real, raw and growing.
My hope is that other caregivers can reach this point, with the support of loved ones and #mentalhealthcareprofessionals. I did not get here without caring for myself with the same vigor that I cared for my #daughter. By processing my situation and leaning on a supportive circle, I was able to prioritize my own #mentalhealth and be strong for my #daughter. Caregivers deserve healing, too.
I wish anyone in this position luck in their healing. It can be a lengthy process — but it’s doable and worth it.
Ginger Robertson, an RN of nine years, entered nursing school the year her daughter started kindergarten in order to better her life. Now 17, her daughter is attending to the University of Dakota, majoring in #psychology. Ginger hopes their story will offer hope to other families living with #mentalillness.
Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=8556
By Ginger Robertson
Nothing fully prepared me for my daughter’s #mentalhealth journey, not even being a #nurse with a personal history of #mentalillness. I am not proud of how I discovered that she was suffering, nor do I recommend it; I happened upon and read one of her private emails. However, I can’t say I regret finding out what was going on with my #daughter. That email started a journey that may have saved her life — what I regret is that I was not able to intervene sooner.
As I grappled with my regrets, I told myself that I could have prevented my daughter’s pain, and I convinced myself that it was my responsibility to ensure she never struggled again. However, as both my #daughter and I have progressed in our #mentalhealth journeys, I have learned that my guilt was lying to me — that it placed far too much blame on me and left little room for understanding, healing and acceptance.
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
I want to share some of these lies and how I overcame my negative internal dialogue.
I Should Have Been Telepathic
I often scolded myself for not knowing what my #daughter was going through.
I should have seen the signs. There were some signs. Why was I so blind? I am a terrible mother for not being more in tune with my child, for not knowing.
With time and reflection, I realized that even good #parents can’t always know how their #children are feeling. My #daughter did not tell me what she was going through for many months; she purposefully hid her pain from me. While it hurts me that she didn’t confide in me, I have come to understand that this was her journey, and she had her reasons for wanting privacy. Ultimately, I had no way of knowing early on.
It’s All My Fault
As my #daughter struggled with her #mentalhealth, I believed that my parenting was responsible for her pain.
This is happening because I did A, B and C (insert a moment in time or a decision) and I did not do X, Y or Z. I should have known better. I should have...I could have...If I had only...
As I have reflected on the last decade, I have truly come to understand that no one is “at fault” for our situation, and I cannot claim responsibility. My daughter’s #mentalillness could have had many origins: Perhaps she struggled because our family has a genetic predisposition to #mentalillness, or maybe she internalized negative messages that our society markets to young #women.
What I know is that I have done my best in raising her, and I have to trust that I loved my #daughter and prepared her for life in every way I know how.
It Is My Job To “Fix” It
After discovering that my daughter was struggling, I slept on the floor of her room every night for more than a month, just to make sure she was safe. I barely slept during this time and felt like I had to track her every movement. If she did not answer the phone, I called all her friends asking if they had heard from her within the last five minutes. I called her work. I gave myself panic attacks doing these things. I locked up every potentially sharp object in my home.
With time, I’ve learned that I can’t fix everything, and my #daughter has the right to decide how she will cope. It took both time and counseling for me to trust my #daughter to care for herself after I discovered she was struggling. I can even remember the feeling of trust returning during a joint counseling session. Ultimately, our relationship and communication improved, especially after I encouraged her to feel empowered to make the best decisions for herself.
My Advice To Caregivers Who Blame Themselves
To any caregivers experiencing a similar internal dialogue, please know that it is ok to go through a process of guilt and doubt. It is ok that you may have told yourself these lies — in fact, it is normal. What I will ask of you is that you don’t get stuck in the lies. Breaking free of blame and guilt will allow you to better care for your loved one.
I also urge you to be #patient with yourself; one self-talk session wasn’t enough for me to overcome an overwhelming internal dialogue. Talk therapy with trained professionals helped me to understand what I was feeling and how to step back and address it. It took multiple sessions and lots of time.
Moving Forward
For a long time, I questioned my closeness with my #daughter and my abilities as a #parent. I thought we were close, but how close could we have been if she didn’t confide in me? Shouldn’t our relationship have protected her from pain?
Now, I can tell myself that we were close, and I was there for her. I took action and helped her get the care she needed. As a result of this caregiving journey, she and I have become even closer. We’ve learned so much about each other and about how to communicate; this new closeness is real, raw and growing.
My hope is that other caregivers can reach this point, with the support of loved ones and #mentalhealthcareprofessionals. I did not get here without caring for myself with the same vigor that I cared for my #daughter. By processing my situation and leaning on a supportive circle, I was able to prioritize my own #mentalhealth and be strong for my #daughter. Caregivers deserve healing, too.
I wish anyone in this position luck in their healing. It can be a lengthy process — but it’s doable and worth it.
Ginger Robertson, an RN of nine years, entered nursing school the year her daughter started kindergarten in order to better her life. Now 17, her daughter is attending to the University of Dakota, majoring in #psychology. Ginger hopes their story will offer hope to other families living with #mentalillness.
Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=8556
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