James Donaldson on Mental Health - 10 Parenting Tips for Preteens and Tweens

How to stay close as kids move into adolescence

Writer: Juliann Garey

Clinical Experts: Laura Kirmayer, PhD, MSW , Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD , Caroline Mendel, PsyD

- 1. Don’t feel rejected by their newfound independence
- 2. Set aside special time with your child
- 3. Try the indirect approach
- 4. Don’t be overly judgmental
- 5. Watch what they watch with them.
- 6. Don’t be afraid to start conversations about sex and drugs
- 7. Don’t overreact 
- 8. Don’t be “clueless” either
- 9. Encourage sports for girls
- 10. Nurture your boy’s emotional side
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxBkXCTrh8s

It’s typically between the ages of nine and twelve that our cute, cuddly little children, once so willing to climb into our laps and share their secrets, suddenly want little or nothing to do with us. A child in preadolescence is not the same person they were just a year or two ago. They have changed—physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially. They’re developing new independence and may even want to see how far they can push limits set by parents.

What they may not know is that they need you as much as ever, because a strong parent-child relationship now can set the stage for a much less turbulent adolescence. But it won’t be easy, because you as a parent need to respect your child’s need for greater autonomy in order to forge a successful relationship with this “updated” version of your kid.

We asked some experts for parenting tips to help you keep the channels of communication open between you and your pre-teen—and have a smoother transition into the teen years.

1. Don’t feel rejected by their newfound independence

It’s appropriate for kids this age to start turning away from their parents and relying more and more on friends, but parents can take their pre-teen’s withdrawal as rejection. “All too often parents personalize some of the distance that occurs and misinterpret it as a willful refusal or maybe oppositional behavior,” says Catherine Steiner-Adair, a Harvard psychologist, schools consultant, and author of The Big Disconnect.

Beware of trying to force information out of a resistant tween. “This is a time when children really start to have secrets from us,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair, “and parents who have a low tolerance for that transition — they want to know everything — can alienate their children by being too inquisitive.”

2. Set aside special time with your child

It’s often tough to get pre-teens to open up and talk. Laura Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, suggests establishing a special period of one-on-one time once or twice a week that you spend with your tween, where you’re providing undivided attention ,and you’re not working or texting at the same time,

In doing this you’re not only improving your relationship, you’re also teaching interpersonal skills that are going to be crucial in the future. “That quality time is really key,” Dr. Kirmayer says, “and it’s something that we might overlook because our kids might be saying they don’t want it and be pulling away. And we might unintentionally collude with that tendency.”

3. Try the indirect approach

When they were younger you could ask direct questions. How was school? How did you do on the test? Now, the direct approach — carpet-bombing them with questions about school and their day — doesn’t work. Suddenly that feels overwhelming and intrusive. And it’s going to backfire.

If anything, says Dr. Kirmayer, you have to take the opposite approach and position yourself as mostly just a listener: “If you actually just sit down, without questions, and just listen, you’re more likely to get the information about your child’s life that you’re wanting.” Dr. Kirmayer says this approach gives kids the message that “this is a place where they can come and talk, and they have permission to say anything that they’re thinking or feeling.” Sometimes you’ll be able to help and give advice—but don’t try to step in and solve all their problems. Other times you’ll just be there to empathize with how hard it is to deal with whatever they’re going through.

4. Don’t be overly judgmental

“At this age your children are watching you very astutely to hear how judgmental you are,” advises Dr. Steiner-Adair. “They are taking their cues on how you talk about other people’s children, especially children that get into trouble — how that girl dresses, or that boy has good manners or bad manners. And they are watching and deciding whether you are harsh or critical or judgmental.”

She gives the example of the parent who says, “‘I can’t believe they posted this picture on Facebook! If we were their parents we’d be mortified.’ Or ‘I can’t believe they sent that YouTube video around!’ They are commenting on behaviors that need commenting on, but the intensity and the rigidity of their judgment is what backfires.”

5. Watch what they watch with them.

Beginning in middle school, watching the stuff that your child wants to watch with them and being able to laugh at it and talk about it is an important way to connect and to be able to discuss subjects that would otherwise be taboo. “Don’t get too intense in how you critique the values,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair.

It’s our job as parents, she adds, to help both boys and girls recognize how the media instills the gender code — the barrage of cultural messages that tell kids what it “means” to be a boy or a girl—and to help them identify when something crosses the line from teasing to mean. But tread lightly and use humor.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

6. Don’t be afraid to start conversations about sex and drugs

The unfortunate reality is that kids are starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol as early as 9 or 10. And according to Dr. Kirmayer, “Sexual development is a big part of this age, and it’s when we first start to see eating disorders arise, so these are key years for us to be building a strong foundation and giving them developmentally appropriate information.” Dr. Kirmayer suggests providing your tween with information and resources on sexuality without the pressure of a big “talk.”

She recommends books like The Boy’s Body Book (by Kelli Dunham) and, for girls, The Care and Keeping of You (by Valarie Schaefer) to introduce sexual development and Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Drugs and Choices (by Dominic Cappello) to bring up the subject of drugs.

“They are going to be exposed to this stuff through their peer group,” she says. “You want to provide them with information that is accurate, but you want to do it in a way that isn’t overwhelming. Let them have the book on their bookshelf so that they can look through it and come to you with questions.” Dr. Steiner-Adair’s book The Big Disconnect also offers scripts and advice about how to talk to your children about sex.

7. Don’t overreact 

Dr. Steiner-Adair warns against being the mom or dad who, in a bad situation, makes things worse. She gives this example: “Your child comes in crying; they weren’t invited to a sleepover. They see a photo of it on Instagram or Snapchat. The parent says, ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe you weren’t invited! That’s horrible! I’m going to call the mother.’” The crazy parent amplifies the drama, throwing fuel on the pre-adolescent’s already hyper-reactive flame. They make their kids more upset.

8. Don’t be “clueless” either

At the other extreme, don’t be a parent who “just ignores stuff,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair. You risk seeming oblivious or unconcerned to kids.

When a teenager is caught hosting a party with alcohol, the clueless parent might say, “‘Oh, that’s just kids getting drunk at a 10th grade party.’ So kids watch their older siblings getting away with everything without consequences and they think, ‘Great, why would I tell them anything? Why would I turn to them?’”

9. Encourage sports for girls

Girls’ self-esteem peaks at the tender age of 9 and then drops off from there, but research shows girls who play on teams have higher self-esteem. Girls on sports teams also tend to do better academically and have fewer body image issues.

Anea Bogue, creator of an empowerment program for girls called REALgirl, notes, “There’s a very common correlation, in my experience, between girls who play team sports and girls who suffer less with low self-esteem because they are looking within and to other girls for their value, as opposed to looking to boys for validation.”

10. Nurture your boy’s emotional side

“One of the really hard things for boys at this age is that the messages from the culture about their capacity for love, real friendships, and relationships are so harmful to them,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair. “They say that anything to do with real feelings — love, sadness, vulnerability — is girly, therefore bad.”

At the very least parents should do everything they can to encourage boys to be sensitive and vulnerable at home, while at the same time acknowledging the reality that those traits might not go over well at school. “You can tell him,” Dr. Steiner-Adair explains, “that at 15 or 16, when he wants to have a girlfriend, this is going to serve him really well.”

Finding just the right balance with your tween probably won’t be the easiest parenting job you’ve ever had. It will take some trial and error, but keeping the channels of communication open during these years is well worth the work you’ll have to put in.

If you develop trust with pre-teens you can offer them a safe place to come back to no matter what happens in the new world they’re inhabiting, and in doing that you’ll also be setting the stage for a smoother adolescence.

Frequently Asked Questions

How old are preteens?

Preteens are generally consider to be children between the ages of nine and twelve.

How can I deal with my preteen?

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-10-parenting-tips-for-preteens-and-tweens-2/

How to stay close as kids move into adolescence

Writer: Juliann Garey

Clinical Experts: Laura Kirmayer, PhD, MSW , Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD , Caroline Mendel, PsyD

- 1. Don’t feel rejected by their newfound independence

- 2. Set aside special time with your child

- 3. Try the indirect approach

- 4. Don’t be overly judgmental

- 5. Watch what they watch with them.

- 6. Don’t be afraid to start conversations about sex and drugs

- 7. Don’t overreact 

- 8. Don’t be “clueless” either

- 9. Encourage sports for girls

- 10. Nurture your boy’s emotional side

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxBkXCTrh8s

It’s typically between the ages of nine and twelve that our cute, cuddly little children, once so willing to climb into our laps and share their secrets, suddenly want little or nothing to do with us. A child in preadolescence is not the same person they were just a year or two ago. They have changed—physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially. They’re developing new independence and may even want to see how far they can push limits set by parents.

What they may not know is that they need you as much as ever, because a strong parent-child relationship now can set the stage for a much less turbulent adolescence. But it won’t be easy, because you as a parent need to respect your child’s need for greater autonomy in order to forge a successful relationship with this “updated” version of your kid.

We asked some experts for parenting tips to help you keep the channels of communication open between you and your pre-teen—and have a smoother transition into the teen years.

1. Don’t feel rejected by their newfound independence

It’s appropriate for kids this age to start turning away from their parents and relying more and more on friends, but parents can take their pre-teen’s withdrawal as rejection. “All too often parents personalize some of the distance that occurs and misinterpret it as a willful refusal or maybe oppositional behavior,” says Catherine Steiner-Adair, a Harvard psychologist, schools consultant, and author of The Big Disconnect.

Beware of trying to force information out of a resistant tween. “This is a time when children really start to have secrets from us,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair, “and parents who have a low tolerance for that transition — they want to know everything — can alienate their children by being too inquisitive.”

2. Set aside special time with your child

It’s often tough to get pre-teens to open up and talk. Laura Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, suggests establishing a special period of one-on-one time once or twice a week that you spend with your tween, where you’re providing undivided attention ,and you’re not working or texting at the same time,

In doing this you’re not only improving your relationship, you’re also teaching interpersonal skills that are going to be crucial in the future. “That quality time is really key,” Dr. Kirmayer says, “and it’s something that we might overlook because our kids might be saying they don’t want it and be pulling away. And we might unintentionally collude with that tendency.”

3. Try the indirect approach

When they were younger you could ask direct questions. How was school? How did you do on the test? Now, the direct approach — carpet-bombing them with questions about school and their day — doesn’t work. Suddenly that feels overwhelming and intrusive. And it’s going to backfire.

If anything, says Dr. Kirmayer, you have to take the opposite approach and position yourself as mostly just a listener: “If you actually just sit down, without questions, and just listen, you’re more likely to get the information about your child’s life that you’re wanting.” Dr. Kirmayer says this approach gives kids the message that “this is a place where they can come and talk, and they have permission to say anything that they’re thinking or feeling.” Sometimes you’ll be able to help and give advice—but don’t try to step in and solve all their problems. Other times you’ll just be there to empathize with how hard it is to deal with whatever they’re going through.

4. Don’t be overly judgmental

“At this age your children are watching you very astutely to hear how judgmental you are,” advises Dr. Steiner-Adair. “They are taking their cues on how you talk about other people’s children, especially children that get into trouble — how that girl dresses, or that boy has good manners or bad manners. And they are watching and deciding whether you are harsh or critical or judgmental.”

She gives the example of the parent who says, “‘I can’t believe they posted this picture on Facebook! If we were their parents we’d be mortified.’ Or ‘I can’t believe they sent that YouTube video around!’ They are commenting on behaviors that need commenting on, but the intensity and the rigidity of their judgment is what backfires.”

5. Watch what they watch with them.

Beginning in middle school, watching the stuff that your child wants to watch with them and being able to laugh at it and talk about it is an important way to connect and to be able to discuss subjects that would otherwise be taboo. “Don’t get too intense in how you critique the values,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair.

It’s our job as parents, she adds, to help both boys and girls recognize how the media instills the gender code — the barrage of cultural messages that tell kids what it “means” to be a boy or a girl—and to help them identify when something crosses the line from teasing to mean. But tread lightly and use humor.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

6. Don’t be afraid to start conversations about sex and drugs

The unfortunate reality is that kids are starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol as early as 9 or 10. And according to Dr. Kirmayer, “Sexual development is a big part of this age, and it’s when we first start to see eating disorders arise, so these are key years for us to be building a strong foundation and giving them developmentally appropriate information.” Dr. Kirmayer suggests providing your tween with information and resources on sexuality without the pressure of a big “talk.”

She recommends books like The Boy’s Body Book (by Kelli Dunham) and, for girls, The Care and Keeping of You (by Valarie Schaefer) to introduce sexual development and Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Drugs and Choices (by Dominic Cappello) to bring up the subject of drugs.

“They are going to be exposed to this stuff through their peer group,” she says. “You want to provide them with information that is accurate, but you want to do it in a way that isn’t overwhelming. Let them have the book on their bookshelf so that they can look through it and come to you with questions.” Dr. Steiner-Adair’s book The Big Disconnect also offers scripts and advice about how to talk to your children about sex.

7. Don’t overreact 

Dr. Steiner-Adair warns against being the mom or dad who, in a bad situation, makes things worse. She gives this example: “Your child comes in crying; they weren’t invited to a sleepover. They see a photo of it on Instagram or Snapchat. The parent says, ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe you weren’t invited! That’s horrible! I’m going to call the mother.’” The crazy parent amplifies the drama, throwing fuel on the pre-adolescent’s already hyper-reactive flame. They make their kids more upset.

8. Don’t be “clueless” either

At the other extreme, don’t be a parent who “just ignores stuff,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair. You risk seeming oblivious or unconcerned to kids.

When a teenager is caught hosting a party with alcohol, the clueless parent might say, “‘Oh, that’s just kids getting drunk at a 10th grade party.’ So kids watch their older siblings getting away with everything without consequences and they think, ‘Great, why would I tell them anything? Why would I turn to them?’”

9. Encourage sports for girls

Girls’ self-esteem peaks at the tender age of 9 and then drops off from there, but research shows girls who play on teams have higher self-esteem. Girls on sports teams also tend to do better academically and have fewer body image issues.

Anea Bogue, creator of an empowerment program for girls called REALgirl, notes, “There’s a very common correlation, in my experience, between girls who play team sports and girls who suffer less with low self-esteem because they are looking within and to other girls for their value, as opposed to looking to boys for validation.”

10. Nurture your boy’s emotional side

“One of the really hard things for boys at this age is that the messages from the culture about their capacity for love, real friendships, and relationships are so harmful to them,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair. “They say that anything to do with real feelings — love, sadness, vulnerability — is girly, therefore bad.”

At the very least parents should do everything they can to encourage boys to be sensitive and vulnerable at home, while at the same time acknowledging the reality that those traits might not go over well at school. “You can tell him,” Dr. Steiner-Adair explains, “that at 15 or 16, when he wants to have a girlfriend, this is going to serve him really well.”

Finding just the right balance with your tween probably won’t be the easiest parenting job you’ve ever had. It will take some trial and error, but keeping the channels of communication open during these years is well worth the work you’ll have to put in.

If you develop trust with pre-teens you can offer them a safe place to come back to no matter what happens in the new world they’re inhabiting, and in doing that you’ll also be setting the stage for a smoother adolescence.

Frequently Asked Questions

How old are preteens?

Preteens are generally consider to be children between the ages of nine and twelve.

How can I deal with my preteen? https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-10-parenting-tips-for-preteens-and-tweens-2/

How to stay close as kids move into adolescence

Writer: Juliann Garey

Clinical Experts: Laura Kirmayer, PhD, MSW , Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD , Caroline Mendel, PsyD

- 1. Don’t feel rejected by their newfound independence

- 2. Set aside special time with your child

- 3. Try the indirect approach

- 4. Don’t be overly judgmental

- 5. Watch what they watch with them.

- 6. Don’t be afraid to start conversations about sex and drugs

- 7. Don’t overreact 

- 8. Don’t be “clueless” either

- 9. Encourage sports for girls

- 10. Nurture your boy’s emotional side

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxBkXCTrh8s

It’s typically between the ages of nine and twelve that our cute, cuddly little children, once so willing to climb into our laps and share their secrets, suddenly want little or nothing to do with us. A child in preadolescence is not the same person they were just a year or two ago. They have changed—physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially. They’re developing new independence and may even want to see how far they can push limits set by parents.

What they may not know is that they need you as much as ever, because a strong parent-child relationship now can set the stage for a much less turbulent adolescence. But it won’t be easy, because you as a parent need to respect your child’s need for greater autonomy in order to forge a successful relationship with this “updated” version of your kid.

We asked some experts for parenting tips to help you keep the channels of communication open between you and your pre-teen—and have a smoother transition into the teen years.

1. Don’t feel rejected by their newfound independence

It’s appropriate for kids this age to start turning away from their parents and relying more and more on friends, but parents can take their pre-teen’s withdrawal as rejection. “All too often parents personalize some of the distance that occurs and misinterpret it as a willful refusal or maybe oppositional behavior,” says Catherine Steiner-Adair, a Harvard psychologist, schools consultant, and author of The Big Disconnect.

Beware of trying to force information out of a resistant tween. “This is a time when children really start to have secrets from us,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair, “and parents who have a low tolerance for that transition — they want to know everything — can alienate their children by being too inquisitive.”

2. Set aside special time with your child

It’s often tough to get pre-teens to open up and talk. Laura Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, suggests establishing a special period of one-on-one time once or twice a week that you spend with your tween, where you’re providing undivided attention ,and you’re not working or texting at the same time,

In doing this you’re not only improving your relationship, you’re also teaching interpersonal skills that are going to be crucial in the future. “That quality time is really key,” Dr. Kirmayer says, “and it’s something that we might overlook because our kids might be saying they don’t want it and be pulling away. And we might unintentionally collude with that tendency.”

3. Try the indirect approach

When they were younger you could ask direct questions. How was school? How did you do on the test? Now, the direct approach — carpet-bombing them with questions about school and their day — doesn’t work. Suddenly that feels overwhelming and intrusive. And it’s going to backfire.

If anything, says Dr. Kirmayer, you have to take the opposite approach and position yourself as mostly just a listener: “If you actually just sit down, without questions, and just listen, you’re more likely to get the information about your child’s life that you’re wanting.” Dr. Kirmayer says this approach gives kids the message that “this is a place where they can come and talk, and they have permission to say anything that they’re thinking or feeling.” Sometimes you’ll be able to help and give advice—but don’t try to step in and solve all their problems. Other times you’ll just be there to empathize with how hard it is to deal with whatever they’re going through.

4. Don’t be overly judgmental

“At this age your children are watching you very astutely to hear how judgmental you are,” advises Dr. Steiner-Adair. “They are taking their cues on how you talk about other people’s children, especially children that get into trouble — how that girl dresses, or that boy has good manners or bad manners. And they are watching and deciding whether you are harsh or critical or judgmental.”

She gives the example of the parent who says, “‘I can’t believe they posted this picture on Facebook! If we were their parents we’d be mortified.’ Or ‘I can’t believe they sent that YouTube video around!’ They are commenting on behaviors that need commenting on, but the intensity and the rigidity of their judgment is what backfires.”

5. Watch what they watch with them.

Beginning in middle school, watching the stuff that your child wants to watch with them and being able to laugh at it and talk about it is an important way to connect and to be able to discuss subjects that would otherwise be taboo. “Don’t get too intense in how you critique the values,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair.

It’s our job as parents, she adds, to help both boys and girls recognize how the media instills the gender code — the barrage of cultural messages that tell kids what it “means” to be a boy or a girl—and to help them identify when something crosses the line from teasing to mean. But tread lightly and use humor.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

6. Don’t be afraid to start conversations about sex and drugs

The unfortunate reality is that kids are starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol as early as 9 or 10. And according to Dr. Kirmayer, “Sexual development is a big part of this age, and it’s when we first start to see eating disorders arise, so these are key years for us to be building a strong foundation and giving them developmentally appropriate information.” Dr. Kirmayer suggests providing your tween with information and resources on sexuality without the pressure of a big “talk.”

She recommends books like The Boy’s Body Book (by Kelli Dunham) and, for girls, The Care and Keeping of You (by Valarie Schaefer) to introduce sexual development and Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Drugs and Choices (by Dominic Cappello) to bring up the subject of drugs.

“They are going to be exposed to this stuff through their peer group,” she says. “You want to provide them with information that is accurate, but you want to do it in a way that isn’t overwhelming. Let them have the book on their bookshelf so that they can look through it and come to you with questions.” Dr. Steiner-Adair’s book The Big Disconnect also offers scripts and advice about how to talk to your children about sex.

7. Don’t overreact 

Dr. Steiner-Adair warns against being the mom or dad who, in a bad situation, makes things worse. She gives this example: “Your child comes in crying; they weren’t invited to a sleepover. They see a photo of it on Instagram or Snapchat. The parent says, ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe you weren’t invited! That’s horrible! I’m going to call the mother.’” The crazy parent amplifies the drama, throwing fuel on the pre-adolescent’s already hyper-reactive flame. They make their kids more upset.

8. Don’t be “clueless” either

At the other extreme, don’t be a parent who “just ignores stuff,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair. You risk seeming oblivious or unconcerned to kids.

When a teenager is caught hosting a party with alcohol, the clueless parent might say, “‘Oh, that’s just kids getting drunk at a 10th grade party.’ So kids watch their older siblings getting away with everything without consequences and they think, ‘Great, why would I tell them anything? Why would I turn to them?’”

9. Encourage sports for girls

Girls’ self-esteem peaks at the tender age of 9 and then drops off from there, but research shows girls who play on teams have higher self-esteem. Girls on sports teams also tend to do better academically and have fewer body image issues.

Anea Bogue, creator of an empowerment program for girls called REALgirl, notes, “There’s a very common correlation, in my experience, between girls who play team sports and girls who suffer less with low self-esteem because they are looking within and to other girls for their value, as opposed to looking to boys for validation.”

10. Nurture your boy’s emotional side

“One of the really hard things for boys at this age is that the messages from the culture about their capacity for love, real friendships, and relationships are so harmful to them,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair. “They say that anything to do with real feelings — love, sadness, vulnerability — is girly, therefore bad.”

At the very least parents should do everything they can to encourage boys to be sensitive and vulnerable at home, while at the same time acknowledging the reality that those traits might not go over well at school. “You can tell him,” Dr. Steiner-Adair explains, “that at 15 or 16, when he wants to have a girlfriend, this is going to serve him really well.”

Finding just the right balance with your tween probably won’t be the easiest parenting job you’ve ever had. It will take some trial and error, but keeping the channels of communication open during these years is well worth the work you’ll have to put in.

If you develop trust with pre-teens you can offer them a safe place to come back to no matter what happens in the new world they’re inhabiting, and in doing that you’ll also be setting the stage for a smoother adolescence.

Frequently Asked Questions

How old are preteens?

Preteens are generally consider to be children between the ages of nine and twelve.

How can I deal with my preteen? https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=14818

James Donaldson on Mental Health - The complex reality of college student mental health: Data reveals both challenges and positive trends

The word “crisis” is used frequently and, I would argue, inaccurately, to depict the psychological well-being of today’s college students.

It is true that college students’ mental health has deteriorated in many regards during the past two decades.

The Healthy Minds Study, which gathers national survey data on tens of thousands of students annually, has found that the percentage who considered suicide in the prior year rose from 6% in 2007 to 13% in 2024. The percentage of students who made a specific suicide plan tripled during that period.

While some news reports portray the current state of student mental health as an unprecedented crisis, the full picture is more nuanced. As a psychologist who has been researching college student mental health for more than 20 years, as summarized in my recent book, “College Student Mental Health and Wellness: Coping on Campus,” I believe recent data suggests a turning of the tide.

The 2024 Health Minds Study found a slight decrease over the previous two years in the percentage of students contemplating suicide.

Data also reveals a similar decline in the percentage of students dealing with severe anxiety from 2022 to 2024.

I'd like to help

The study marks the first time since data collection began on suicide or severe anxiety that there has been a two-year decrease in either area.

Reason for concern

The demand for psychological services at college and university counseling centers has outpaced growth in undergraduate enrollment. Peter Dazeley/Getty Images

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

To be clear, there is reason for concern about the psychological well-being of college students.

Healthy Minds Study researchers found that in 2007, 9% of college students were taking psychotropic medication such as antidepressants. In 2024, that number had grown to 26%.

A 2024 national survey conducted by the American College Health Association found that more than a third of students received mental health care in the previous year.

The demand for psychological services at college and university counseling centers has outpaced growth in undergraduate enrollment more than fourfold.

From 2013 to 2021, suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety worsened, particularly among Native American and Alaskan Native students and other students of color.

During that same time, there was a 13% increase in students who were at risk for developing an eating disorder.

Findings from another national dataset gathered by the Center for Collegiate Mental Health, an international network of more than 800 college and university counseling centers, indicate that from 2010 to 2024, depression symptoms increased 18% among students receiving psychological services, general anxiety symptoms rose more than 25%, and social anxiety symptoms climbed more than 30%.

In addition, students’ family-related distress steadily increased during the past decade.

The sky is not falling

Despite disturbing trends in student mental health, recent data suggests that fewer students are contemplating suicide and dealing with anxiety. Ariel Skelley/Getty Images

Despite these challenges, there is good news regarding decreases in the share of students considering self-injury and reporting depression symptoms.

Data from the Healthy Minds Study reveals that the percentage of students considering self-injury has not increased the past two years, after more than doubling from 14% in 2007 to 29% in 2022.

A similar pattern can be found in Center for Collegiate Mental Health data about depression. Depression symptoms have decreased each of the past two academic years.

The network has been collecting depression data since 2010, and never before have scores dropped in consecutive years.

Other researchers have noted a similar recent decrease in depression among college students.

The Center for Collegiate Mental Health data also indicates that students’ academic distress peaked following the onset of COVID-19 and declined each of the past three years, returning to pre-pandemic levels. Students’ frustration has also shown a gradual, 7% decline from 2010 to 2024.

Furthermore, for the first time since 2012, there has been a two-year uptick in college students who are flourishing, according to data from the Healthy Minds Study. Other researchers have found a similar recent trend, accompanied by a decrease in student loneliness.

More good news, based on data, about what students put in their bodies: Symptoms related to eating disorders have not increased in any of the past four years, according to the Center for Collegiate Mental Health. Data from the network indicates that current alcohol use is at its lowest level since 2010, declining 29% over that period.

Binge drinking has also decreased 18% since 2012, according to the Healthy Minds Study.

We need data, not dread

Mental health professionals need accurate data to support the psychological well-being of college students. SeventyFour/Getty Images

Valid data can help in discerning the truth about college student mental health.

Data that captures national trends in college student psychological well-being is needed to support mental health professionals. For example, as data reveals emerging trends, such as an increase in college students with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, training can be provided to clinicians in treating students with these concerns.

Campus mental health professionals and administrators can also use data to advocate for resources they need to support students. For instance, our research has found that students of color are more likely to seek psychological help when there are therapists on staff from the same ethnic or racial background. This data can inform hiring practices at college and university counseling centers.

Finally, continuous data collection can help determine how college student mental health is impacted by specific events, such as pandemics, campus shootings and laws that eliminate diversity, equity and inclusion programs. During the COVID-19 pandemic, social anxiety decreased, while general anxiety spiked.

These events may not affect students equally.

International students, a group that already experiences heightened suicidal thoughts, may be particularly impacted by recent news of visa cancellations and deportations.

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-the-complex-reality-of-college-student-mental-health-data-reveals-both-challenges-and-positive-trends/

The word “crisis” is used frequently and, I would argue, inaccurately, to depict the psychological well-being of today’s college students.

It is true that college students’ mental health has deteriorated in many regards during the past two decades.

The Healthy Minds Study, which gathers national survey data on tens of thousands of students annually, has found that the percentage who considered suicide in the prior year rose from 6% in 2007 to 13% in 2024. The percentage of students who made a specific suicide plan tripled during that period.

While some news reports portray the current state of student mental health as an unprecedented crisis, the full picture is more nuanced. As a psychologist who has been researching college student mental health for more than 20 years, as summarized in my recent book, “College Student Mental Health and Wellness: Coping on Campus,” I believe recent data suggests a turning of the tide.

The 2024 Health Minds Study found a slight decrease over the previous two years in the percentage of students contemplating suicide.

Data also reveals a similar decline in the percentage of students dealing with severe anxiety from 2022 to 2024.

I'd like to help

The study marks the first time since data collection began on suicide or severe anxiety that there has been a two-year decrease in either area.

Reason for concern

The demand for psychological services at college and university counseling centers has outpaced growth in undergraduate enrollment. Peter Dazeley/Getty Images

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

To be clear, there is reason for concern about the psychological well-being of college students.

Healthy Minds Study researchers found that in 2007, 9% of college students were taking psychotropic medication such as antidepressants. In 2024, that number had grown to 26%.

A 2024 national survey conducted by the American College Health Association found that more than a third of students received mental health care in the previous year.

The demand for psychological services at college and university counseling centers has outpaced growth in undergraduate enrollment more than fourfold.

From 2013 to 2021, suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety worsened, particularly among Native American and Alaskan Native students and other students of color.

During that same time, there was a 13% increase in students who were at risk for developing an eating disorder.

Findings from another national dataset gathered by the Center for Collegiate Mental Health, an international network of more than 800 college and university counseling centers, indicate that from 2010 to 2024, depression symptoms increased 18% among students receiving psychological services, general anxiety symptoms rose more than 25%, and social anxiety symptoms climbed more than 30%.

In addition, students’ family-related distress steadily increased during the past decade.

The sky is not falling

Despite disturbing trends in student mental health, recent data suggests that fewer students are contemplating suicide and dealing with anxiety. Ariel Skelley/Getty Images

Despite these challenges, there is good news regarding decreases in the share of students considering self-injury and reporting depression symptoms.

Data from the Healthy Minds Study reveals that the percentage of students considering self-injury has not increased the past two years, after more than doubling from 14% in 2007 to 29% in 2022.

A similar pattern can be found in Center for Collegiate Mental Health data about depression. Depression symptoms have decreased each of the past two academic years.

The network has been collecting depression data since 2010, and never before have scores dropped in consecutive years.

Other researchers have noted a similar recent decrease in depression among college students.

The Center for Collegiate Mental Health data also indicates that students’ academic distress peaked following the onset of COVID-19 and declined each of the past three years, returning to pre-pandemic levels. Students’ frustration has also shown a gradual, 7% decline from 2010 to 2024.

Furthermore, for the first time since 2012, there has been a two-year uptick in college students who are flourishing, according to data from the Healthy Minds Study. Other researchers have found a similar recent trend, accompanied by a decrease in student loneliness.

More good news, based on data, about what students put in their bodies: Symptoms related to eating disorders have not increased in any of the past four years, according to the Center for Collegiate Mental Health. Data from the network indicates that current alcohol use is at its lowest level since 2010, declining 29% over that period.

Binge drinking has also decreased 18% since 2012, according to the Healthy Minds Study.

We need data, not dread

Mental health professionals need accurate data to support the psychological well-being of college students. SeventyFour/Getty Images

Valid data can help in discerning the truth about college student mental health.

Data that captures national trends in college student psychological well-being is needed to support mental health professionals. For example, as data reveals emerging trends, such as an increase in college students with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, training can be provided to clinicians in treating students with these concerns.

Campus mental health professionals and administrators can also use data to advocate for resources they need to support students. For instance, our research has found that students of color are more likely to seek psychological help when there are therapists on staff from the same ethnic or racial background. This data can inform hiring practices at college and university counseling centers.

Finally, continuous data collection can help determine how college student mental health is impacted by specific events, such as pandemics, campus shootings and laws that eliminate diversity, equity and inclusion programs. During the COVID-19 pandemic, social anxiety decreased, while general anxiety spiked.

These events may not affect students equally.

International students, a group that already experiences heightened suicidal thoughts, may be particularly impacted by recent news of visa cancellations and deportations. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-the-complex-reality-of-college-student-mental-health-data-reveals-both-challenges-and-positive-trends/

The word “crisis” is used frequently and, I would argue, inaccurately, to depict the psychological well-being of today’s college students.

It is true that college students’ mental health has deteriorated in many regards during the past two decades.

The Healthy Minds Study, which gathers national survey data on tens of thousands of students annually, has found that the percentage who considered suicide in the prior year rose from 6% in 2007 to 13% in 2024. The percentage of students who made a specific suicide plan tripled during that period.

While some news reports portray the current state of student mental health as an unprecedented crisis, the full picture is more nuanced. As a psychologist who has been researching college student mental health for more than 20 years, as summarized in my recent book, “College Student Mental Health and Wellness: Coping on Campus,” I believe recent data suggests a turning of the tide.

The 2024 Health Minds Study found a slight decrease over the previous two years in the percentage of students contemplating suicide.

Data also reveals a similar decline in the percentage of students dealing with severe anxiety from 2022 to 2024.

I'd like to help

The study marks the first time since data collection began on suicide or severe anxiety that there has been a two-year decrease in either area.

Reason for concern

The demand for psychological services at college and university counseling centers has outpaced growth in undergraduate enrollment. Peter Dazeley/Getty Images

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

To be clear, there is reason for concern about the psychological well-being of college students.

Healthy Minds Study researchers found that in 2007, 9% of college students were taking psychotropic medication such as antidepressants. In 2024, that number had grown to 26%.

A 2024 national survey conducted by the American College Health Association found that more than a third of students received mental health care in the previous year.

The demand for psychological services at college and university counseling centers has outpaced growth in undergraduate enrollment more than fourfold.

From 2013 to 2021, suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety worsened, particularly among Native American and Alaskan Native students and other students of color.

During that same time, there was a 13% increase in students who were at risk for developing an eating disorder.

Findings from another national dataset gathered by the Center for Collegiate Mental Health, an international network of more than 800 college and university counseling centers, indicate that from 2010 to 2024, depression symptoms increased 18% among students receiving psychological services, general anxiety symptoms rose more than 25%, and social anxiety symptoms climbed more than 30%.

In addition, students’ family-related distress steadily increased during the past decade.

The sky is not falling

Despite disturbing trends in student mental health, recent data suggests that fewer students are contemplating suicide and dealing with anxiety. Ariel Skelley/Getty Images

Despite these challenges, there is good news regarding decreases in the share of students considering self-injury and reporting depression symptoms.

Data from the Healthy Minds Study reveals that the percentage of students considering self-injury has not increased the past two years, after more than doubling from 14% in 2007 to 29% in 2022.

A similar pattern can be found in Center for Collegiate Mental Health data about depression. Depression symptoms have decreased each of the past two academic years.

The network has been collecting depression data since 2010, and never before have scores dropped in consecutive years.

Other researchers have noted a similar recent decrease in depression among college students.

The Center for Collegiate Mental Health data also indicates that students’ academic distress peaked following the onset of COVID-19 and declined each of the past three years, returning to pre-pandemic levels. Students’ frustration has also shown a gradual, 7% decline from 2010 to 2024.

Furthermore, for the first time since 2012, there has been a two-year uptick in college students who are flourishing, according to data from the Healthy Minds Study. Other researchers have found a similar recent trend, accompanied by a decrease in student loneliness.

More good news, based on data, about what students put in their bodies: Symptoms related to eating disorders have not increased in any of the past four years, according to the Center for Collegiate Mental Health. Data from the network indicates that current alcohol use is at its lowest level since 2010, declining 29% over that period.

Binge drinking has also decreased 18% since 2012, according to the Healthy Minds Study.

We need data, not dread

Mental health professionals need accurate data to support the psychological well-being of college students. SeventyFour/Getty Images

Valid data can help in discerning the truth about college student mental health.

Data that captures national trends in college student psychological well-being is needed to support mental health professionals. For example, as data reveals emerging trends, such as an increase in college students with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, training can be provided to clinicians in treating students with these concerns.

Campus mental health professionals and administrators can also use data to advocate for resources they need to support students. For instance, our research has found that students of color are more likely to seek psychological help when there are therapists on staff from the same ethnic or racial background. This data can inform hiring practices at college and university counseling centers.

Finally, continuous data collection can help determine how college student mental health is impacted by specific events, such as pandemics, campus shootings and laws that eliminate diversity, equity and inclusion programs. During the COVID-19 pandemic, social anxiety decreased, while general anxiety spiked.

These events may not affect students equally.

International students, a group that already experiences heightened suicidal thoughts, may be particularly impacted by recent news of visa cancellations and deportations. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=14816

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Stigma, silence and suicide: Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month

“Man up.” “Be tough.” “Boys don’t cry.” These are just a few of the messages men often hear when they express sadness, hopelessness or depression. Over time, these responses can suppress emotional expression and discourage men from seeking help — leading to lower rates of diagnosed depression but higher rates of suicide.

According to a press release from The Jason Foundation, June is Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, "a time devoted to breaking the stigma surrounding men’s mental health, promoting open and honest conversations and encouraging help-seeking behavior."

The Jason Foundation is a nonprofit organization dedicated to the prevention of youth and young adult suicide through education and awareness programs, all provided free of charge. 

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

According to the press release, the awareness month is a reminder that mental health matters for everyone, regardless of gender.

"Too often, men are taught that expressing vulnerability is a sign of weakness, when it is a sign of courage and strength," the press release noted. "Dealing with emotions can be difficult, but believing you should not feel certain things or ignoring them because of your gender is not only unhealthy, but it is dangerous."

Neglecting mental health can lead to serious consequences, including increased risk of suicide, substance abuse, aggression, violence and social isolation.

"If left unaddressed, these struggles can impact relationships, job performance and overall well-being," the press release stated. "Anxiety, fear of judgment or simply not feeling safe are just a few reasons why men avoid opening up about their emotional struggles. However, no one should face those challenges alone.

"By creating supportive, judgement-free environments at home, in the workplace and in our communities, we can help more men feel safe enough to speak up and seek help when needed," the press release continued. "No one should feel they have to suffer in silence."

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-stigma-silence-and-suicide-mens-mental-health-awareness-month/