James Donaldson on Mental Health - 10 Tips To Help Dads and Daughters Stay Close

Navigating the changes and challenges that come with adolescence

Writer: Rae Jacobson, MS

Clinical Expert: Jerry Bubrick, PhD

- 1. Be a good listener
- 2. Discuss — don’t just dictate — rules
- 3. Be generous with praise
- 4. Let her take the lead when it comes to quality time
- 5. Be an ally
- 6. Model healthy relationships
- 7. Watch your language
- 8. Take care with tough topics
- 9. Show your love
- 10. Focus on what’s really important

Adolescence can be a difficult time for fathers and daughters. As little girls grow into young women, it can be hard for dads to figure where, and how, they fit in.

“As parents, our roles change over time,” says Jerry Bubrick, PhD, a clinical psychologist who treated many children with anxiety and OCD at the Child Mind Institute. “When our daughters are young, our job is to protect them physically and emotionally, but as they get older we have to take on more of a consulting role.”

It’s an important transition for both parents, but one that can be especially challenging for dads, who often get the message that their primary role is to be “in charge” — to fix problems when they arise, and to protect their daughters, especially once dating becomes part of the mix.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

We’ve put together 10 tips to help dads and daughters navigate the inevitable changes that come with adolescence and stay close during a transitional — and often tumultuous — time.

1. Be a good listener

When kids are young it’s important to be direct: Don’t run! Don’t touch. Stay close. But, as girls grow up and start seeking more independence, our job shifts, says Dr. Bubrick. “Instead of making decisions for them, we want to guide them in making smart decisions for themselves.”

“It’s natural to want to keep your daughter safe,” says Dr. Bubrick, but when it comes to maintaining a close, open relationship, what was protective and necessary when she was a child can start to feel restrictive, and become a source of major tension. Instead, he says, fathers should practice listening, not lecturing.

Talking through problems together, instead of just handing down a ready-made solution, will help your daughter feel more comfortable coming to you with problems and help her build vital critical thinking skills she’ll use all her life. “When we step away from protecting and fixing, we can focus on hearing, understanding and guiding,” says Dr. Bubrick, “and that’s what kids, especially teenagers really need.

2. Discuss — don’t just dictate — rules

Of course, taking a new, less authoritarian approach doesn’t mean letting go of all the rules. But even in setting boundaries, there’s room for negotiation — giving kids a chance to say what’s most important to them, so that they have some buy-in. “When you work rules out ahead of time, it means that when issues come up there’s no ambiguity, and you’re able to have clearer, less fraught conversations in the moment. It’s normal for adolescent girls to test the boundaries of their independence, Dr. Bubrick notes. “But that doesn’t mean they don’t want, and need, your guidance, too.”

3. Be generous with praise

When girls are in the throes of adolescence, it might seem like your opinion couldn’t matter less, but in fact it’s probably never mattered more. Adolescence is minefield when it comes to confidence. As girls grow up, mothers tend to take the lead in personal conversations and offering support and encouragement, and dads often end up taking a backseat. Don’t be that guy, dads. Girls need positive feedback from both parents, especially during their teen years. Let your daughter know you’re proud of her — and not just by telling her she’s beautiful, though that’s important, too.

Praising her intelligence, creativity, kindness or sense of humor will help her build and maintain confidence during a time that can be all too focused on appearance. Also, don’t forget that it’s not only big wins or straight A’s that deserve to be recognized. Praising accomplishments is great, but it’s just as important to praise hard work, and the bravery it takes to try, and stick with, new things — especially ones she isn’t instantly good at.

4. Let her take the lead when it comes to quality time

“Relate to her on her level and in her activities,” says Dr. Bubrick. “Quick chats on the way to or from school are nice, but to really make a connection you need to get involved with the things she’s interested in.” Showing an interest in the things she likes doesn’t have to be complicated — it can be as simple as listening to her favorite music together, having a show you watch with her, or going for a bike ride together. What’s important is that by letting her take the lead, you’re communicated that you value her interests, and finding a space where you can both enjoy yourselves.

5. Be an ally

Realistically, there are some parts of being a girl that dads just can’t fully understand. These might be seemingly simple things: Love for a boy band, or the intricacies of slumber party politics. Physical development, like getting your period, or changes in bra size. Or they may be more complex, upsetting experiences like sexism or harassment. If your daughter experiences something outside your expertise, don’t panic or withdraw.

Instead, show your support by doing what you can: For example: if she’s embarrassed about buying tampons, let her know that you’re not, and you’ll be happy to buy them for her — there’s nothing to be ashamed of about periods. If she experiences sexual harassment, or faces social struggles, don’t minimize or dismiss her feelings. Instead, offer support and comfort by letting her know that even though you haven’t been in her position, you take her seriously and you’re willing to listen anytime she needs you.

And when you’re validating her feelings, says Dr. Bubrick, “use a period, not a comma.” That means support isn’t followed by criticism — “That must have been really hard for you,” not “I can see why that upset you, but maybe you’re being oversensitive?”

6. Model healthy relationships

Adolescence is likely to be the first time girls get involved with real-life romantic partners (tween crushes don’t count), so it’s really important to talk to you daughter about what is — and isn’t — part of a healthy relationship. That said, all the advice in the world won’t matter if you’re saying one thing, and she’s seeing another at home. Tune in to how you and your partner interact, even in moments that don’t directly involve your kids. For example: Are you supportive when your wife tries new things (or has a bad day)? Do you listen with interest, or cut her down when she has an idea? Seeing you as a supportive partner will underscore your daughter’s confidence in your belief in her.

7. Watch your language

Girls look to their fathers for cues on how men should behave in relationships, but they’re also alert to how you talk about women. You may be respectful and encouraging when talking to your wife and daughter, and other women close to you, but if you’re in the habit of talking about other women in a disrespectful, or sexist way, she’s hearing that, too. If you make comments on women’s bodies, or use “girl” as code for weakness — “He throws like a girl” — she may worry you think girls aren’t competent, or feel like you expect her to live up to impossible standards.

Taking care to use language that empowers women (and avoiding the kind that puts them down) is a powerful way to let your daughter know that you think girls are just as smart, cool and capable as boys — and that you think she’s great just as she is. As a bonus, it also sets a standard for how she should expect other men in her life — from boyfriends to bosses — to behave as well.

8. Take care with tough topics

When it comes to topics like sex or drinking, dads may be tempted to lay down the law, but Dr. Bubrick says that letting your daughter take the lead and helping her talk things through — rather than dictating how the conversation will go — is more effective, and helps set the stage for better long term communication. “You can have the desire to lead the conversation,” says Dr. Bubrick. “But what you have to consider is where are you leading it to? Usually away from her feeling comfortable coming to you again.”

Likewise, he says, dads should be thoughtful about when — and how — you approach heavy conversations. “Making important subjects into a big, one-time conversation or demanding to have a serious talk when she’s not ready is going to backfire,” he says. Instead, he says, “Dads should focus on keeping the conversation open, so she knows it’s okay to talk about it when she’s ready”

Do your best to listen without judgment: “ It’s ok to have an opinion, but offering it in a critical way is going to shut things down,” says Dr. Bubrick. “The goal is to create a dynamic where your daughter feels comfortable and safe coming to you with questions or problems she’s experiencing.”

Finally, be sure that your daughter knows that it’s okay if there are some topics — sexuality, for example — she’d rather take up with someone else: “If you want to talk to Mom about how you’re feeling that’s totally okay. I just want to be sure you’re talking to someone, and I’m here if you need me.”

9. Show your love

When girls are little most dads never think twice about piggyback rides, bedtime snuggles or big hugs. But the onset of puberty can make physical affection feel confusing, and fraught. It’s not unusual for dads to feel awkward, or unsure of what’s appropriate, but it’s important not to withdraw your affection. When hugs suddenly turn into pats on the back, girls may worry that dads are ashamed of their changing bodies, or, in the most dramatic of teen moments, that they’re no longer loved.

The way you show your love will obviously change (a 14-year-old isn’t going to be sitting on your lap) and that’s okay, but teen girls need affection from their dads, just as much as they did when they were young.

10. Focus on what’s really important

Being a dad is hard work (being a teenager is no picnic either) but it’s worth it. Letting your teenage daughter know how important she is to you can be a huge source of self-worth for her at a time when her identity may feel fragile. And it’s something she will carry with her the rest of her life. Let your daughter know that even when you don’t see eye to eye and agree with all her decisions (or she with yours) that you love her and you’ll always love her, every moment for the rest of her life no matter what.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I be a better father to my daughter?

You can be a better father to your daughter by listening to her perspective, discussing rules (rather than dictating them), praising her intelligence or creativity, letting her take the lead during quality time, and talking respectfully about women.

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-10-tips-to-help-dads-and-daughters-stay-close/

Navigating the changes and challenges that come with adolescence

Writer: Rae Jacobson, MS

Clinical Expert: Jerry Bubrick, PhD

- 1. Be a good listener

- 2. Discuss — don’t just dictate — rules

- 3. Be generous with praise

- 4. Let her take the lead when it comes to quality time

- 5. Be an ally

- 6. Model healthy relationships

- 7. Watch your language

- 8. Take care with tough topics

- 9. Show your love

- 10. Focus on what’s really important

Adolescence can be a difficult time for fathers and daughters. As little girls grow into young women, it can be hard for dads to figure where, and how, they fit in.

“As parents, our roles change over time,” says Jerry Bubrick, PhD, a clinical psychologist who treated many children with anxiety and OCD at the Child Mind Institute. “When our daughters are young, our job is to protect them physically and emotionally, but as they get older we have to take on more of a consulting role.”

It’s an important transition for both parents, but one that can be especially challenging for dads, who often get the message that their primary role is to be “in charge” — to fix problems when they arise, and to protect their daughters, especially once dating becomes part of the mix.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

We’ve put together 10 tips to help dads and daughters navigate the inevitable changes that come with adolescence and stay close during a transitional — and often tumultuous — time.

1. Be a good listener

When kids are young it’s important to be direct: Don’t run! Don’t touch. Stay close. But, as girls grow up and start seeking more independence, our job shifts, says Dr. Bubrick. “Instead of making decisions for them, we want to guide them in making smart decisions for themselves.”

“It’s natural to want to keep your daughter safe,” says Dr. Bubrick, but when it comes to maintaining a close, open relationship, what was protective and necessary when she was a child can start to feel restrictive, and become a source of major tension. Instead, he says, fathers should practice listening, not lecturing.

Talking through problems together, instead of just handing down a ready-made solution, will help your daughter feel more comfortable coming to you with problems and help her build vital critical thinking skills she’ll use all her life. “When we step away from protecting and fixing, we can focus on hearing, understanding and guiding,” says Dr. Bubrick, “and that’s what kids, especially teenagers really need.

2. Discuss — don’t just dictate — rules

Of course, taking a new, less authoritarian approach doesn’t mean letting go of all the rules. But even in setting boundaries, there’s room for negotiation — giving kids a chance to say what’s most important to them, so that they have some buy-in. “When you work rules out ahead of time, it means that when issues come up there’s no ambiguity, and you’re able to have clearer, less fraught conversations in the moment. It’s normal for adolescent girls to test the boundaries of their independence, Dr. Bubrick notes. “But that doesn’t mean they don’t want, and need, your guidance, too.”

3. Be generous with praise

When girls are in the throes of adolescence, it might seem like your opinion couldn’t matter less, but in fact it’s probably never mattered more. Adolescence is minefield when it comes to confidence. As girls grow up, mothers tend to take the lead in personal conversations and offering support and encouragement, and dads often end up taking a backseat. Don’t be that guy, dads. Girls need positive feedback from both parents, especially during their teen years. Let your daughter know you’re proud of her — and not just by telling her she’s beautiful, though that’s important, too.

Praising her intelligence, creativity, kindness or sense of humor will help her build and maintain confidence during a time that can be all too focused on appearance. Also, don’t forget that it’s not only big wins or straight A’s that deserve to be recognized. Praising accomplishments is great, but it’s just as important to praise hard work, and the bravery it takes to try, and stick with, new things — especially ones she isn’t instantly good at.

4. Let her take the lead when it comes to quality time

“Relate to her on her level and in her activities,” says Dr. Bubrick. “Quick chats on the way to or from school are nice, but to really make a connection you need to get involved with the things she’s interested in.” Showing an interest in the things she likes doesn’t have to be complicated — it can be as simple as listening to her favorite music together, having a show you watch with her, or going for a bike ride together. What’s important is that by letting her take the lead, you’re communicated that you value her interests, and finding a space where you can both enjoy yourselves.

5. Be an ally

Realistically, there are some parts of being a girl that dads just can’t fully understand. These might be seemingly simple things: Love for a boy band, or the intricacies of slumber party politics. Physical development, like getting your period, or changes in bra size. Or they may be more complex, upsetting experiences like sexism or harassment. If your daughter experiences something outside your expertise, don’t panic or withdraw.

Instead, show your support by doing what you can: For example: if she’s embarrassed about buying tampons, let her know that you’re not, and you’ll be happy to buy them for her — there’s nothing to be ashamed of about periods. If she experiences sexual harassment, or faces social struggles, don’t minimize or dismiss her feelings. Instead, offer support and comfort by letting her know that even though you haven’t been in her position, you take her seriously and you’re willing to listen anytime she needs you.

And when you’re validating her feelings, says Dr. Bubrick, “use a period, not a comma.” That means support isn’t followed by criticism — “That must have been really hard for you,” not “I can see why that upset you, but maybe you’re being oversensitive?”

6. Model healthy relationships

Adolescence is likely to be the first time girls get involved with real-life romantic partners (tween crushes don’t count), so it’s really important to talk to you daughter about what is — and isn’t — part of a healthy relationship. That said, all the advice in the world won’t matter if you’re saying one thing, and she’s seeing another at home. Tune in to how you and your partner interact, even in moments that don’t directly involve your kids. For example: Are you supportive when your wife tries new things (or has a bad day)? Do you listen with interest, or cut her down when she has an idea? Seeing you as a supportive partner will underscore your daughter’s confidence in your belief in her.

7. Watch your language

Girls look to their fathers for cues on how men should behave in relationships, but they’re also alert to how you talk about women. You may be respectful and encouraging when talking to your wife and daughter, and other women close to you, but if you’re in the habit of talking about other women in a disrespectful, or sexist way, she’s hearing that, too. If you make comments on women’s bodies, or use “girl” as code for weakness — “He throws like a girl” — she may worry you think girls aren’t competent, or feel like you expect her to live up to impossible standards.

Taking care to use language that empowers women (and avoiding the kind that puts them down) is a powerful way to let your daughter know that you think girls are just as smart, cool and capable as boys — and that you think she’s great just as she is. As a bonus, it also sets a standard for how she should expect other men in her life — from boyfriends to bosses — to behave as well.

8. Take care with tough topics

When it comes to topics like sex or drinking, dads may be tempted to lay down the law, but Dr. Bubrick says that letting your daughter take the lead and helping her talk things through — rather than dictating how the conversation will go — is more effective, and helps set the stage for better long term communication. “You can have the desire to lead the conversation,” says Dr. Bubrick. “But what you have to consider is where are you leading it to? Usually away from her feeling comfortable coming to you again.”

Likewise, he says, dads should be thoughtful about when — and how — you approach heavy conversations. “Making important subjects into a big, one-time conversation or demanding to have a serious talk when she’s not ready is going to backfire,” he says. Instead, he says, “Dads should focus on keeping the conversation open, so she knows it’s okay to talk about it when she’s ready”

Do your best to listen without judgment: “ It’s ok to have an opinion, but offering it in a critical way is going to shut things down,” says Dr. Bubrick. “The goal is to create a dynamic where your daughter feels comfortable and safe coming to you with questions or problems she’s experiencing.”

Finally, be sure that your daughter knows that it’s okay if there are some topics — sexuality, for example — she’d rather take up with someone else: “If you want to talk to Mom about how you’re feeling that’s totally okay. I just want to be sure you’re talking to someone, and I’m here if you need me.”

9. Show your love

When girls are little most dads never think twice about piggyback rides, bedtime snuggles or big hugs. But the onset of puberty can make physical affection feel confusing, and fraught. It’s not unusual for dads to feel awkward, or unsure of what’s appropriate, but it’s important not to withdraw your affection. When hugs suddenly turn into pats on the back, girls may worry that dads are ashamed of their changing bodies, or, in the most dramatic of teen moments, that they’re no longer loved.

The way you show your love will obviously change (a 14-year-old isn’t going to be sitting on your lap) and that’s okay, but teen girls need affection from their dads, just as much as they did when they were young.

10. Focus on what’s really important

Being a dad is hard work (being a teenager is no picnic either) but it’s worth it. Letting your teenage daughter know how important she is to you can be a huge source of self-worth for her at a time when her identity may feel fragile. And it’s something she will carry with her the rest of her life. Let your daughter know that even when you don’t see eye to eye and agree with all her decisions (or she with yours) that you love her and you’ll always love her, every moment for the rest of her life no matter what.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I be a better father to my daughter?

You can be a better father to your daughter by listening to her perspective, discussing rules (rather than dictating them), praising her intelligence or creativity, letting her take the lead during quality time, and talking respectfully about women. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-10-tips-to-help-dads-and-daughters-stay-close/

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Why Your Child With ADHD Has Such a Messy Room

And what parents can do about it

Writer: Rae Jacobson, MS

What You'll Learn

- Why do kids with ADHD have messy rooms?
- What are executive functioning skills?
- How can parents help kids with ADHD clean up their rooms?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- So what can parents do to help?
- Keep it simple
- Get creative
- Build routines
- Be patient
- It’s about more than a messy room

Kids with ADHD often have very messy rooms that result in losing things and lateness — Wait! I can’t find my soccer shoes! This frustrates parents, who can’t understand why these kids have so much trouble cleaning their room.

The problem is that children with ADHD struggle with executive functioning skills, which enable us to plan, prioritize, manage our time and get things done. It may seem simple to the rest of us, but they have trouble deciding what to do first, estimating how long things take, and staying focused. Sticking with a task that’s boring is especially hard for kids with ADHD.

Parents can help kids tackle the mess in their room by:

- Breaking “Clean your room!” down into smaller tasks
- Using a chart to list what needs to be done
- Building routines to clean at a regular time, not just when it gets overwhelming

For more details and suggestions, see the Full Article below.

Mess and ADHD go hand in hand, and with them comes chaos, lateness — Where is my coat?! — and frustration. Parents often find themselves at wit’s end, looking at their child and wondering: Why can’t you just clean your room??

The short answer?

Because for kids with ADHD, it’s not quite that simple. People with ADHD have a difficult time with many of the executive functioning skills most of us unconsciously use every day. These invisible skills are what enable us to plan, prioritize, manage our time, and get things done.

A person without ADHD might look at a messy room and think, “Okay. I’ve got an hour to get things done. First, make the bed, then pick up the laundry, then…”  But for a child with ADHD, that breakdown of what to do, when to do it, and how long it will take, isn’t automatic. Understanding how executive functioning issues affect kids with ADHD can help parents know what a child’s trouble spots are and how to help. Common issues include:

Prioritizing tasks: Deciding what needs to get done and in what order. For example, a child with ADHD might not understand that putting dirty laundry in the hamper takes priority over organizing all of their books by color.

Managing time: Figuring out how long smaller tasks will take, and how much time they’ll need to complete the whole job. For example, a child who has two hours to get their room cleaned up before friends come for a sleepover spends so much time on one small job, like clearing off their desk, they don’t have time to do the rest.

Staying focused: Getting off track or distracted. For example, they get caught up in reading a book instead of putting it back on the shelf.

Task initiation: Difficulty getting started, especially when the task at hand seems overwhelming, complicated, or boring (like, say, cleaning up a messy room). 

Transitions: Trouble shifting from one task to the next. For example, they might get stalled instead of moving from one cleaning job, like making the bed, to another, like putting their shoes away.

Self-regulation and impulse control: Sticking with a task, especially a boring one, is challenging for anyone. But for kids with ADHD who often lack the skills to regulate their behavior and control impulses it can feel impossible. This can look like frustration, giving up, or getting off track— I was cleaning up, I just decided to take a quick video game break!  And often ends in a rushed, messy job, like just shoving all their clutter under the bed, or just failing to finish at all.

So what can parents do to help?

Break it down: Instead of issuing a blanket order to “clean your room,” it helps to break the job into more manageable tasks. For example, let’s say your child needs to make the bed, put their laundry in the hamper, and bring dirty dishes to the kitchen sink. You could say, “Start by making your bed.” Then, when that’s done, you move on to the next task: “Ok, now pick up the laundry.” And so on. Doing one thing at a time can help kids feel less overwhelmed and make it easier for them to get a sense of how much time each task will take.

Avoid multi-step directions: Try not to give strings of directions or commands — “Pick up your socks, then do the bed, then hang up the clothes…”  Keep instructions clear and short, “Start by making your bed.” Then when one task is done, you can move on to the next, “Great job. Okay, now put the shoes away.”

Use a chart: If you don’t (and let’s be real, who does) have time to stage-manage your child as they clean, try making a task chart together. Write each job on a white board or piece of paper, and leave space for your child to check it off when they’re done. If having some incentive helps your child stay motivated you could offer a reward for finishing all the tasks on the list, like extra gaming time or a special treat for dessert.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Keep it simple

Make your child’s room as easy to clean, and keep clean, as possible.

- Declutter. Clutter is the enemy of clean. Get rid of old papers. Put papers or pictures you’d like to save into scrap books instead of piles. Donate old toys, books, clothes, and anything else your child no longer uses. Putting a to-be-donated box in the house can help encourage kids to participate, and be a good way to teach them about giving back.
- Make putting things away as easy by possible creating extra space. Store seasonal items, like winter coats and boots away when they’re not being used. Try to make sure kids’ closets and dressers are uncrowded and easy to use.
- When it comes to storage focus on finding solutions that fit your child’s needs. For example, younger kids will be more likely to put things away if storage is easy to reach and use, like low-down cubes with sliding baskets for putting toys away.

Get creative

Kids with ADHD often benefit from nontraditional solutions.  Remember, what does work is more important than what should work. For example, if your child has a hard time putting clothes in a dresser, get easy-to-use bins instead. One for clean clothes, one for will-wear-again items, and one for dirty laundry. Because…you guessed it. The easier a system is to use, the more likely your child will be to use it.

Build routines

Kids with ADHD benefit from clear routines and repetition. Knowing what’s expected of them, and having a clear understanding of how to meet those expectations, helps kids build confidence and executive functioning skills. Establishing routines can help kids get into a groove and become more independent when it comes to tidying up. For example, making their bed every day, or putting their shoes in the same place every time they come home.

For bigger jobs, stick to a schedule. For example, you could agree that your child will clean their room every Tuesday and Friday after school, instead of randomly suggesting they clean up when things get too messy. When kids know what to expect, and when they’re expected to do it, they feel more prepared and less overwhelmed. If your child benefits from ADHD medication when it’s time to clean, try to choose times when their meds will be working, for example weekend mornings, instead of weekday nights.

Be patient

Finally, and this is easier said than done, remember to be patient with your child as they learn these new skills. Building habits takes time, and children with ADHD are starting from a deficit. If your child was learning a second language, you wouldn’t expect them to be fluent overnight.

When your child does clean up offer positive, specific feedback, for example, “Thanks for putting your clothes away — that was a big help.” And let your child know that it’s okay not to be perfect right away. You’ll get there together.

It’s about more than a messy room

The benefits of helping your child learn the skills they need to get organized go far beyond a (finally) clean room. The messiness and disorganization that comes with ADHD can have a big impact on children’s self-esteem. Kids may feel embarrassed or ashamed by their struggles, and these negative feelings are often confirmed by outsiders — a friend who points out how messy they are, a fed-up teacher asking them why they don’t have their homework assignment again.

The cost of being messy can be even higher for girls, who are less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD, but more likely to be subjected to negative social feedback for being disorganized, or looking less-than put together.

Focusing on building your child’s executive functioning skills – and supporting their self-esteem – will help them feel more competent and confident both now and as they grow up. Not to mention that, hopefully, they’ll be doing that growing in a nice, clean room.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does my child with ADHD have such a messy room?

How can parents help kids with ADHD clean their room?

Parents can help kids with ADHD clean their rooms by breaking it down into smaller tasks. Use a chart to list what needs to be done and build routines to clean regularly, not just when it gets overwhelming.

How can parents help kids with ADHD keep their rooms clean?

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-why-your-child-with-adhd-has-such-a-messy-room-2/

And what parents can do about it

Writer: Rae Jacobson, MS

What You'll Learn

- Why do kids with ADHD have messy rooms?

- What are executive functioning skills?

- How can parents help kids with ADHD clean up their rooms?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- So what can parents do to help?

- Keep it simple

- Get creative

- Build routines

- Be patient

- It’s about more than a messy room

Kids with ADHD often have very messy rooms that result in losing things and lateness — Wait! I can’t find my soccer shoes! This frustrates parents, who can’t understand why these kids have so much trouble cleaning their room.

The problem is that children with ADHD struggle with executive functioning skills, which enable us to plan, prioritize, manage our time and get things done. It may seem simple to the rest of us, but they have trouble deciding what to do first, estimating how long things take, and staying focused. Sticking with a task that’s boring is especially hard for kids with ADHD.

Parents can help kids tackle the mess in their room by:

- Breaking “Clean your room!” down into smaller tasks

- Using a chart to list what needs to be done

- Building routines to clean at a regular time, not just when it gets overwhelming

For more details and suggestions, see the Full Article below.

Mess and ADHD go hand in hand, and with them comes chaos, lateness — Where is my coat?! — and frustration. Parents often find themselves at wit’s end, looking at their child and wondering: Why can’t you just clean your room??

The short answer?

Because for kids with ADHD, it’s not quite that simple. People with ADHD have a difficult time with many of the executive functioning skills most of us unconsciously use every day. These invisible skills are what enable us to plan, prioritize, manage our time, and get things done.

A person without ADHD might look at a messy room and think, “Okay. I’ve got an hour to get things done. First, make the bed, then pick up the laundry, then…”  But for a child with ADHD, that breakdown of what to do, when to do it, and how long it will take, isn’t automatic. Understanding how executive functioning issues affect kids with ADHD can help parents know what a child’s trouble spots are and how to help. Common issues include:

Prioritizing tasks: Deciding what needs to get done and in what order. For example, a child with ADHD might not understand that putting dirty laundry in the hamper takes priority over organizing all of their books by color.

Managing time: Figuring out how long smaller tasks will take, and how much time they’ll need to complete the whole job. For example, a child who has two hours to get their room cleaned up before friends come for a sleepover spends so much time on one small job, like clearing off their desk, they don’t have time to do the rest.

Staying focused: Getting off track or distracted. For example, they get caught up in reading a book instead of putting it back on the shelf.

Task initiation: Difficulty getting started, especially when the task at hand seems overwhelming, complicated, or boring (like, say, cleaning up a messy room). 

Transitions: Trouble shifting from one task to the next. For example, they might get stalled instead of moving from one cleaning job, like making the bed, to another, like putting their shoes away.

Self-regulation and impulse control: Sticking with a task, especially a boring one, is challenging for anyone. But for kids with ADHD who often lack the skills to regulate their behavior and control impulses it can feel impossible. This can look like frustration, giving up, or getting off track— I was cleaning up, I just decided to take a quick video game break!  And often ends in a rushed, messy job, like just shoving all their clutter under the bed, or just failing to finish at all.

So what can parents do to help?

Break it down: Instead of issuing a blanket order to “clean your room,” it helps to break the job into more manageable tasks. For example, let’s say your child needs to make the bed, put their laundry in the hamper, and bring dirty dishes to the kitchen sink. You could say, “Start by making your bed.” Then, when that’s done, you move on to the next task: “Ok, now pick up the laundry.” And so on. Doing one thing at a time can help kids feel less overwhelmed and make it easier for them to get a sense of how much time each task will take.

Avoid multi-step directions: Try not to give strings of directions or commands — “Pick up your socks, then do the bed, then hang up the clothes…”  Keep instructions clear and short, “Start by making your bed.” Then when one task is done, you can move on to the next, “Great job. Okay, now put the shoes away.”

Use a chart: If you don’t (and let’s be real, who does) have time to stage-manage your child as they clean, try making a task chart together. Write each job on a white board or piece of paper, and leave space for your child to check it off when they’re done. If having some incentive helps your child stay motivated you could offer a reward for finishing all the tasks on the list, like extra gaming time or a special treat for dessert.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Keep it simple

Make your child’s room as easy to clean, and keep clean, as possible.

- Declutter. Clutter is the enemy of clean. Get rid of old papers. Put papers or pictures you’d like to save into scrap books instead of piles. Donate old toys, books, clothes, and anything else your child no longer uses. Putting a to-be-donated box in the house can help encourage kids to participate, and be a good way to teach them about giving back.

- Make putting things away as easy by possible creating extra space. Store seasonal items, like winter coats and boots away when they’re not being used. Try to make sure kids’ closets and dressers are uncrowded and easy to use.

- When it comes to storage focus on finding solutions that fit your child’s needs. For example, younger kids will be more likely to put things away if storage is easy to reach and use, like low-down cubes with sliding baskets for putting toys away.

Get creative

Kids with ADHD often benefit from nontraditional solutions.  Remember, what does work is more important than what should work. For example, if your child has a hard time putting clothes in a dresser, get easy-to-use bins instead. One for clean clothes, one for will-wear-again items, and one for dirty laundry. Because…you guessed it. The easier a system is to use, the more likely your child will be to use it.

Build routines

Kids with ADHD benefit from clear routines and repetition. Knowing what’s expected of them, and having a clear understanding of how to meet those expectations, helps kids build confidence and executive functioning skills. Establishing routines can help kids get into a groove and become more independent when it comes to tidying up. For example, making their bed every day, or putting their shoes in the same place every time they come home.

For bigger jobs, stick to a schedule. For example, you could agree that your child will clean their room every Tuesday and Friday after school, instead of randomly suggesting they clean up when things get too messy. When kids know what to expect, and when they’re expected to do it, they feel more prepared and less overwhelmed. If your child benefits from ADHD medication when it’s time to clean, try to choose times when their meds will be working, for example weekend mornings, instead of weekday nights.

Be patient

Finally, and this is easier said than done, remember to be patient with your child as they learn these new skills. Building habits takes time, and children with ADHD are starting from a deficit. If your child was learning a second language, you wouldn’t expect them to be fluent overnight.

When your child does clean up offer positive, specific feedback, for example, “Thanks for putting your clothes away — that was a big help.” And let your child know that it’s okay not to be perfect right away. You’ll get there together.

It’s about more than a messy room

The benefits of helping your child learn the skills they need to get organized go far beyond a (finally) clean room. The messiness and disorganization that comes with ADHD can have a big impact on children’s self-esteem. Kids may feel embarrassed or ashamed by their struggles, and these negative feelings are often confirmed by outsiders — a friend who points out how messy they are, a fed-up teacher asking them why they don’t have their homework assignment again.

The cost of being messy can be even higher for girls, who are less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD, but more likely to be subjected to negative social feedback for being disorganized, or looking less-than put together.

Focusing on building your child’s executive functioning skills – and supporting their self-esteem – will help them feel more competent and confident both now and as they grow up. Not to mention that, hopefully, they’ll be doing that growing in a nice, clean room.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does my child with ADHD have such a messy room?

How can parents help kids with ADHD clean their room?

Parents can help kids with ADHD clean their rooms by breaking it down into smaller tasks. Use a chart to list what needs to be done and build routines to clean regularly, not just when it gets overwhelming.

How can parents help kids with ADHD keep their rooms clean? https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-why-your-child-with-adhd-has-such-a-messy-room-2/

Adriana Gonzalez-Chavez

MIDLAND, Texas (KMID/KPEJ) – Suicide is a leading cause of death in the U.S., and it impacts people from all backgrounds and ages, according to statistics from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

“It doesn’t discriminate; anybody can have this ideation,” Oceans Behavioral Health Care Therapist Chance Urias said. “Don’t forget to check on people.”

Urias said people fear discussing suicide with loved ones because they believe it will encourage them to commit suicide.

“In all actuality, that person already been thinking about it,” Urias said. “You have to ask questions. Are you okay? Especially if you notice them starting to withdraw and maybe give away their belongings, there’s some warning signs, but just be flat out, do you have a plan? Is there something going on? What’s going on?”

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-talking-to-loved-ones-about-suicide-and-mental-health/

Adriana Gonzalez-Chavez

MIDLAND, Texas (KMID/KPEJ) – Suicide is a leading cause of death in the U.S., and it impacts people from all backgrounds and ages, according to statistics from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

“It doesn’t discriminate; anybody can have this ideation,” Oceans Behavioral Health Care Therapist Chance Urias said. “Don’t forget to check on people.”

Urias said people fear discussing suicide with loved ones because they believe it will encourage them to commit suicide.

“In all actuality, that person already been thinking about it,” Urias said. “You have to ask questions. Are you okay? Especially if you notice them starting to withdraw and maybe give away their belongings, there’s some warning signs, but just be flat out, do you have a plan? Is there something going on? What’s going on?”

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=15769

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Tips for Communicating With Your Teen

Keeping the parent-child relationship strong during a tricky age

Writer: Rachel Ehmke

The teenage years have a lot in common with the terrible twos. During both stages our kids are doing exciting new things, but they’re also pushing boundaries (and buttons) and throwing tantrums. The major developmental task facing both age groups is also the same: kids must pull away from parents and begin to assert their own independence. No wonder they sometimes act as if they think they’re the center of the universe.

This makes for complicated parenting, especially because teens are beginning to make decisions about things that that have real consequence, like school and friends and driving, not to speak of substance use and sex. But they aren’t good at regulating their emotions yet, so teens are prone to taking risks and making impulsive decisions.

This means that having a healthy and trusting parent-child relationship during the teenage years is more important than ever. Staying close isn’t easy, though. Teens often aren’t very gracious when they are rejecting what they perceive to be parental interference. While they’re an open book to their friends, who they talk to constantly via social media, they might become mute when asked by mom how their day went. A request that seemed reasonable to dad may be received as a grievous outrage.

If this sounds familiar, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child is going through their terrible teens. It is a phase that will pass, and your job as parent is still vitally important, only the role may have changed slightly. Here are some tips for navigating the new terrain:

1. Listen. If you are curious about what’s going on in your teen’s life, asking direct questions might not be as effective as simply sitting back and listening. Kids are more likely to be open with their parents if they don’t feel pressured to share information. Remember even an offhand comment about something that happened during the day is their way of reaching out, and you’re likely to hear more if you stay open and interested — but not prying.

2. Validate their feelings. It is often our tendency to try to solve problems for our kids, or downplay their disappointments. But saying something like “They weren’t right for you anyway” after a romantic disappointment can feel dismissive. Instead, show kids that you understand and empathize by reflecting their sentiments back: “Wow, that does sound difficult.”

3. Show trust. Teens want to be taken seriously, especially by their parents. Look for ways to show that you trust your teen. Asking them for a favor shows that you rely on them. Volunteering a privilege shows that you think they can handle it. Letting your kid know you have faith in them will boost their confidence and make them more likely to rise to the occasion.

4. Don’t be a dictator. You still get to set the rules, but be ready to explain them. While pushing the boundaries is natural for teenagers, hearing your thoughtful explanation about why parties on school nights aren’t allowed will make the rule seem more reasonable.

5. Give praise. Parents tend to praise children more when they are younger, but adolescents need the self-esteem boost just as much. Teenagers might act like they’re too cool to care about what their parents think, but the truth is they still want your approval. And looking for opportunities to be positive and encouraging is good for the relationship, especially when it is feeling strained.

6. Control your emotions. It’s easy for your temper to flare when your teen is being rude, but don’t respond in kind. Remember that you’re the adult and they are less able to control their emotions or think logically when they’re upset. Count to ten or take some deep breaths before responding. If you’re both too upset to talk, hit pause until you’ve had a chance to calm down.

7. Do things together. Talking isn’t the only way to communicate, and during these years it’s great if you can spend time doing things you both enjoy, whether it’s cooking or hiking or going to the movies, without talking about anything personal. It’s important for kids to know that they can be in proximity to you, and share positive experiences, without having to worry that you will pop intrusive questions or call them out for something.

8. Share regular meals. Sitting down to eat a meal together as a family is another great way to stay close. Dinner conversations give every member of the family a chance to check in and talk casually about sports or television or politics. Kids who feel comfortable talking to parents about everyday things are likely to be more open when harder things come up, too. One rule: no phones allowed.

9. Be observant. It’s normal for kids to go through some changes as they mature, but pay attention if you notice changes to their mood, behavior, energy level, or appetite. Likewise, take note if they stop wanting to do things that used to make them happy, or if you notice them isolating. If you see a change in your teen’s daily ability to function, ask them about it and be supportive (without being judgmental). They may need your help and it could be a sign they needs to talk to a mental health professional.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I communicate better with my teenager?

In order to communicate better with your teenager, it’s important to keep your emotions in check and remember how challenging it is to be a teen. Listen to their perspective and validate their feelings, and praise them even for small things. It also helps to spend quality one-on-one time with your teen.

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-tips-for-communicating-with-your-teen-2/