How #parents can model healthy coping skills

Writer: Rae Jacobson

Clinical Expert: Lauren Allerhand, PsyD

What You'll Learn

- What causes #teenage anger?

- How can #parents help angry #teens?

- When should you worry about an angry #teenager?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- It’s okay to be angry

- Decoding anger

- Reach out

- Validate and show respect

- Check in with yourself

- Take a break

- When to seek help

- Remember the good

Back to Top

Quick Read

#Adolescents are growing and changing. And the hormones that drive puberty can have a big impact on mood. When #kids seem like they’re overreacting it’s important to remember that they’re less able to manage big feelings, like anger, than #adults are.

#Parents should try to see teenage anger as a normal part of being a person. The goal shouldn’t be to stop #teens from feeling anger, but to help them find safer, less harmful ways of expressing it.

#Teenage problems can seem silly. But to your #child, the feelings they cause are real and painful. When your #child is ready to talk, let them know you take their feelings seriously. Do your best to ask questions and listen without trying to “solve” the problem.

Help #kids talk about their feelings. True, sometimes #teens are just in a bad mood, but anger can also be a sign that something is wrong. If kids don’t know how to think about and share their feelings, they may act out when what they really need is help. Start by letting them know you’re concerned: “I can tell you’re feeling upset. I’d really like to help. Can we make time to talk when you’re ready?”

But let’s be real. #Parents are only human and #teenagers can be very difficult. It’s normal to feel frustrated. But #kids (yes, even #teenagers) look to #parents for cues on how to behave. If you or your #teen are struggling to keep your temper, take a break, and be open about why: “I can tell I’m just too frustrated to talk right now. Let’s take some time to cool down and start over when we’re feeling calmer.” You can also practice (and let your #teen see you practicing) mindfulness skills like deep breathing or counting to ten.

Finally, anger, frustration, irritation, and even rage are all part of being a person. But if your teen’s anger is having a negative impact on their life, or if there’s violence, it may be time to seek some help.

#Teenage anger is a thing of legend. The stereotype of the eye-rolling, door slamming rebellious #adolescent is often played for laughs, but for parents dealing with the real thing, it’s anything but funny. Bitter outbursts, unpredictable mood swings, and frequent battles about everything from #school to friends to clothes to who’s going to set the table can leave #parents feeling like they’re walking on eggshells.

And #teenage anger is having a moment. Because, if we’re honest, there’s a lot for #teenagers to feel angry about right now. The #pandemic has caused a year of frustration and disruption. No #school (well sure, the work part but none of the socializing), no hang outs, no parties, no dating. Endless time spent on screens and cooped up with family. #Stress about getting into college. Add to that the greater issues #adolescents are facing: The ongoing fight against racial injustice, fears about climate change, and uncertainty about what the future holds.

It’s okay to be angry

Anger, says Lauren Allerhand, PsyD, a clinical #psychologist at the #ChildMindInstitute, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. “Anger is an important part of our emotional lives,” she says. “But anger gets a bad rap because the urges that come with it — yelling, fighting, being unkind to others — can be destructive and upsetting.”

#Parents should strive to see #teenage anger not as something to be dispelled or overcome but as a normal part of being a person. “Our job is to help #kids understand that it’s okay to feel angry,” she says. In the right circumstances, like when it drives us to strive for social change, anger can be motivating. “Being angry doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just means you have to find a way to deal with those feelings.” The goal, she says, shouldn’t be to stop #teens from feeling anger, but to help them find safer, less harmful, and even productive ways of expressing it.

Finding healthy ways to process anger can be a challenge even for the most mature of #adults, but for #teenagers biology creates an extra layer of difficulty. Though on the outside #teens may basically seem like (and insist they are) grownups, their brains and bodies are still growing. “The prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brains involved in problem solving and impulse control, isn’t fully developed until your mid-to-late twenties,” says Dr. Allerhand. #Adolescents are also flush with hormones like testosterone and estrogen, which can have a significant impact on mood. When #kids make impulsive decisions or seem like they’re overreacting to small provocations it can be helpful to remember that they’re biologically less equipped to manage overwhelming feelings — like anger — than #adults.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Decoding anger

Helping #kids learn to talk about what’s causing their anger can be hugely important. True, some #teenage snippiness can be chalked up to the developmentally appropriate (if annoying for #parents) task of separating from #parents (You like that? I hate it!).

But anger can also belie serious problems. Irritability, mood swings, or outbursts may be symptoms of disorders like #anxiety and #depression. Reactions to #trauma or negative experiences with which #kids feel unable to cope can also surface as bursts of temper. Even less significant struggles, like trouble at school, or problems with friends or relationships can masquerade as anger, especially if #kids lack the tools to investigate and articulate their feelings.

So what should #parents do?

Reach out

If you notice your #teenager has been angrier or more irritable than usual, don’t skirt the issue. Instead, let them know you’ve noticed something is wrong and invite them to talk when they’re ready. “I can tell you’re feeling upset. I’d really like to help. Can we make time to talk?” If your #child seems resistant, take a step back and wait, says Colin De Miranda, ACSW, a clinical #socialworker. “Leave the door open but don’t force it. Instead I’d recommend saying something like, “I can see you’re really angry right now and it doesn’t look like you want to talk. I’ll be in the other room when you’re ready.”

Validate and show respect

When your #child is ready to talk let them know you take their feelings seriously. “The absolute number one thing is validation,” says Dr. Allerhand. “Our emotions are a communication tool. They let the other people know how we feel and help us get our needs met.” #Teenage problems can seem silly or overdramatic to #adults, but to your #child, the feelings they cause are real and  painful. When your child expresses anger about something, be careful not to minimize or dismiss it. Instead, acknowledge how they’re feeling — “That sounds so upsetting”— and do your best to ask questions and listen without passing judgement or trying to “solve” the problem.

It can also be hard not to feel frustrated when your teenager’s anger, as it may often be, is directed at you. But even when #kids are being incredibly difficult, they’re still relying on you to be the calmer influence and to let them know that how they’re feeling matters to you. Taking a moment to really acknowledge their emotional experience can also help defuse the situation says Dr. Allerhand. “It’s hard to stay mad when someone really sincerely says, ‘I understand how you’re feeling. I’m here to help.’ ”

Check in with yourself

But let’s be real. It is hard to be your best self under pressure.  Nobody likes being yelled at or having a door slammed in their face. #Parents are only human and #teenagers can be infuriating. It’s normal to feel frustrated, confused or, you know, furious. But #kids (yes, even #teenagers) look to #parents for cues on how to behave. And as with so much of parenting, helping #kids learn the skills they need to cope with anger, is more about showing, not telling.

“One thing that’s often really hard for #parents to recognize when they’re trying to manage their kids’ anger is the role their own emotions play,” says De Miranda. This doesn’t mean #parents can’t, or shouldn’t, get angry, he says. “But it does mean that how you handle it when you do get mad is a huge part of the message you’re sending.”

Checking in with yourself is key to responding effectively, especially when you’re already feeling frustrated.

- Be conscious of your body language and tone. How you say things can matter just as much as what you’re saying. For example, “I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated” sounds good on paper, but if you’re saying it through gritted teeth you’re unlikely to get a good response.

- Practice mindfulness skills, like deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a walk to clear your head. And let your #teenager see you doing it.

Take a break

It can be tempting to charge headlong into an argument, but realistically, no one is at their best when they’re angry. If you or your #teen are struggling to keep your temper during an exchange, don’t press it. Instead, model healthy coping skills by choosing to take a break until you’ve cooled off. Be open and clear about your reason for pausing the conversation. For example, “You know, I really want to talk this through with you, but I can tell I’m just too frustrated for it to be productive right now. Let’s both take some time to cool down and we’ll come back to it when we’re feeling calmer.”

Come back to the conversation when you’re both feeling less upset. You’ll not only be giving yourself, and your #teenager, a better chance at saying what you really mean, you’ll also be demonstrating the value of learning how to deescalate.

When to seek help

Anger, frustration, irritation, even rage are all a normal part of being a person. And #teenagers are prone to intense feelings, but if your teen’s anger is having an outsized, negative impact on their life, it may be time to seek some help.

“Anytime that there’s consistent violence or consistent aggression that just can’t be stifled or doesn’t really necessarily correlate with the stimulus — for example if the explosions are really out of proportion for what’s going on — those are red flags,” says De Miranda. Likewise, anger that seems to come out of nowhere or is persistent, regardless of what’s going on may be a sign of something more serious.

“Everyone’s threshold is going to be different,” says Dr. Allerhand. “But if a child’s anger is impacting their ability to function, or having a serious impact on the family at large, or there’s concern about physical harm, like getting into fights or hurting themselves or others, that’s when it’s time to seek outside help.”

Remember the good

That said, our clinicians caution #parents to remember that this past year has been unusually difficult for #teenagers (and everyone else) and that our collective ability to cope with #stress has been taxed to breaking point.

“We could all benefit from practicing a little acceptance,” says De Miranda. “This has been such a hard time, especially for #teenagers. I think it is really important that #parents recognize that even though it may not look like it, their #kids are trying. And that while they may blow up, it has more to do with their brain development and their ability to control chemical signals and the extraordinary amount of #stress we’ve all been facing than anything else.”

It can be easy, he says, for #parents to become over-focused on the bad and the mad, and forget to honor the good moments. Dr. Allerhand agrees. “Something simple we can do is to remember that we’re all doing the best we can given the current situation and our skillset.”

Finding ways to give a little space and a little grace, and being intentional about acknowledging and enjoying good moments with your #teenager will help you both feel more connected and give you both something to come back to when blowups inevitably do happen.
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/2022/10/jamesdonaldson-on-mentalhealth-teens-and-anger-4/

How #parents can model healthy coping skills

Writer: Rae Jacobson

Clinical Expert: Lauren Allerhand, PsyD

What You'll Learn

- What causes #teenage anger?

- How can #parents help angry #teens?

- When should you worry about an angry #teenager?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- It’s okay to be angry

- Decoding anger

- Reach out

- Validate and show respect

- Check in with yourself

- Take a break

- When to seek help

- Remember the good

Back to Top

Quick Read

#Adolescents are growing and changing. And the hormones that drive puberty can have a big impact on mood. When #kids seem like they’re overreacting it’s important to remember that they’re less able to manage big feelings, like anger, than #adults are.

#Parents should try to see teenage anger as a normal part of being a person. The goal shouldn’t be to stop #teens from feeling anger, but to help them find safer, less harmful ways of expressing it.

#Teenage problems can seem silly. But to your #child, the feelings they cause are real and painful. When your #child is ready to talk, let them know you take their feelings seriously. Do your best to ask questions and listen without trying to “solve” the problem.

Help #kids talk about their feelings. True, sometimes #teens are just in a bad mood, but anger can also be a sign that something is wrong. If kids don’t know how to think about and share their feelings, they may act out when what they really need is help. Start by letting them know you’re concerned: “I can tell you’re feeling upset. I’d really like to help. Can we make time to talk when you’re ready?”

But let’s be real. #Parents are only human and #teenagers can be very difficult. It’s normal to feel frustrated. But #kids (yes, even #teenagers) look to #parents for cues on how to behave. If you or your #teen are struggling to keep your temper, take a break, and be open about why: “I can tell I’m just too frustrated to talk right now. Let’s take some time to cool down and start over when we’re feeling calmer.” You can also practice (and let your #teen see you practicing) mindfulness skills like deep breathing or counting to ten.

Finally, anger, frustration, irritation, and even rage are all part of being a person. But if your teen’s anger is having a negative impact on their life, or if there’s violence, it may be time to seek some help.

#Teenage anger is a thing of legend. The stereotype of the eye-rolling, door slamming rebellious #adolescent is often played for laughs, but for parents dealing with the real thing, it’s anything but funny. Bitter outbursts, unpredictable mood swings, and frequent battles about everything from #school to friends to clothes to who’s going to set the table can leave #parents feeling like they’re walking on eggshells.

And #teenage anger is having a moment. Because, if we’re honest, there’s a lot for #teenagers to feel angry about right now. The #pandemic has caused a year of frustration and disruption. No #school (well sure, the work part but none of the socializing), no hang outs, no parties, no dating. Endless time spent on screens and cooped up with family. #Stress about getting into college. Add to that the greater issues #adolescents are facing: The ongoing fight against racial injustice, fears about climate change, and uncertainty about what the future holds.

It’s okay to be angry

Anger, says Lauren Allerhand, PsyD, a clinical #psychologist at the #ChildMindInstitute, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. “Anger is an important part of our emotional lives,” she says. “But anger gets a bad rap because the urges that come with it — yelling, fighting, being unkind to others — can be destructive and upsetting.”

#Parents should strive to see #teenage anger not as something to be dispelled or overcome but as a normal part of being a person. “Our job is to help #kids understand that it’s okay to feel angry,” she says. In the right circumstances, like when it drives us to strive for social change, anger can be motivating. “Being angry doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just means you have to find a way to deal with those feelings.” The goal, she says, shouldn’t be to stop #teens from feeling anger, but to help them find safer, less harmful, and even productive ways of expressing it.

Finding healthy ways to process anger can be a challenge even for the most mature of #adults, but for #teenagers biology creates an extra layer of difficulty. Though on the outside #teens may basically seem like (and insist they are) grownups, their brains and bodies are still growing. “The prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brains involved in problem solving and impulse control, isn’t fully developed until your mid-to-late twenties,” says Dr. Allerhand. #Adolescents are also flush with hormones like testosterone and estrogen, which can have a significant impact on mood. When #kids make impulsive decisions or seem like they’re overreacting to small provocations it can be helpful to remember that they’re biologically less equipped to manage overwhelming feelings — like anger — than #adults.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Decoding anger

Helping #kids learn to talk about what’s causing their anger can be hugely important. True, some #teenage snippiness can be chalked up to the developmentally appropriate (if annoying for #parents) task of separating from #parents (You like that? I hate it!).

But anger can also belie serious problems. Irritability, mood swings, or outbursts may be symptoms of disorders like #anxiety and #depression. Reactions to #trauma or negative experiences with which #kids feel unable to cope can also surface as bursts of temper. Even less significant struggles, like trouble at school, or problems with friends or relationships can masquerade as anger, especially if #kids lack the tools to investigate and articulate their feelings.

So what should #parents do?

Reach out

If you notice your #teenager has been angrier or more irritable than usual, don’t skirt the issue. Instead, let them know you’ve noticed something is wrong and invite them to talk when they’re ready. “I can tell you’re feeling upset. I’d really like to help. Can we make time to talk?” If your #child seems resistant, take a step back and wait, says Colin De Miranda, ACSW, a clinical #socialworker. “Leave the door open but don’t force it. Instead I’d recommend saying something like, “I can see you’re really angry right now and it doesn’t look like you want to talk. I’ll be in the other room when you’re ready.”

Validate and show respect

When your #child is ready to talk let them know you take their feelings seriously. “The absolute number one thing is validation,” says Dr. Allerhand. “Our emotions are a communication tool. They let the other people know how we feel and help us get our needs met.” #Teenage problems can seem silly or overdramatic to #adults, but to your #child, the feelings they cause are real and  painful. When your child expresses anger about something, be careful not to minimize or dismiss it. Instead, acknowledge how they’re feeling — “That sounds so upsetting”— and do your best to ask questions and listen without passing judgement or trying to “solve” the problem.

It can also be hard not to feel frustrated when your teenager’s anger, as it may often be, is directed at you. But even when #kids are being incredibly difficult, they’re still relying on you to be the calmer influence and to let them know that how they’re feeling matters to you. Taking a moment to really acknowledge their emotional experience can also help defuse the situation says Dr. Allerhand. “It’s hard to stay mad when someone really sincerely says, ‘I understand how you’re feeling. I’m here to help.’ ”

Check in with yourself

But let’s be real. It is hard to be your best self under pressure.  Nobody likes being yelled at or having a door slammed in their face. #Parents are only human and #teenagers can be infuriating. It’s normal to feel frustrated, confused or, you know, furious. But #kids (yes, even #teenagers) look to #parents for cues on how to behave. And as with so much of parenting, helping #kids learn the skills they need to cope with anger, is more about showing, not telling.

“One thing that’s often really hard for #parents to recognize when they’re trying to manage their kids’ anger is the role their own emotions play,” says De Miranda. This doesn’t mean #parents can’t, or shouldn’t, get angry, he says. “But it does mean that how you handle it when you do get mad is a huge part of the message you’re sending.”

Checking in with yourself is key to responding effectively, especially when you’re already feeling frustrated.

- Be conscious of your body language and tone. How you say things can matter just as much as what you’re saying. For example, “I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated” sounds good on paper, but if you’re saying it through gritted teeth you’re unlikely to get a good response.

- Practice mindfulness skills, like deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a walk to clear your head. And let your #teenager see you doing it.

Take a break

It can be tempting to charge headlong into an argument, but realistically, no one is at their best when they’re angry. If you or your #teen are struggling to keep your temper during an exchange, don’t press it. Instead, model healthy coping skills by choosing to take a break until you’ve cooled off. Be open and clear about your reason for pausing the conversation. For example, “You know, I really want to talk this through with you, but I can tell I’m just too frustrated for it to be productive right now. Let’s both take some time to cool down and we’ll come back to it when we’re feeling calmer.”

Come back to the conversation when you’re both feeling less upset. You’ll not only be giving yourself, and your #teenager, a better chance at saying what you really mean, you’ll also be demonstrating the value of learning how to deescalate.

When to seek help

Anger, frustration, irritation, even rage are all a normal part of being a person. And #teenagers are prone to intense feelings, but if your teen’s anger is having an outsized, negative impact on their life, it may be time to seek some help.

“Anytime that there’s consistent violence or consistent aggression that just can’t be stifled or doesn’t really necessarily correlate with the stimulus — for example if the explosions are really out of proportion for what’s going on — those are red flags,” says De Miranda. Likewise, anger that seems to come out of nowhere or is persistent, regardless of what’s going on may be a sign of something more serious.

“Everyone’s threshold is going to be different,” says Dr. Allerhand. “But if a child’s anger is impacting their ability to function, or having a serious impact on the family at large, or there’s concern about physical harm, like getting into fights or hurting themselves or others, that’s when it’s time to seek outside help.”

Remember the good

That said, our clinicians caution #parents to remember that this past year has been unusually difficult for #teenagers (and everyone else) and that our collective ability to cope with #stress has been taxed to breaking point.

“We could all benefit from practicing a little acceptance,” says De Miranda. “This has been such a hard time, especially for #teenagers. I think it is really important that #parents recognize that even though it may not look like it, their #kids are trying. And that while they may blow up, it has more to do with their brain development and their ability to control chemical signals and the extraordinary amount of #stress we’ve all been facing than anything else.”

It can be easy, he says, for #parents to become over-focused on the bad and the mad, and forget to honor the good moments. Dr. Allerhand agrees. “Something simple we can do is to remember that we’re all doing the best we can given the current situation and our skillset.”

Finding ways to give a little space and a little grace, and being intentional about acknowledging and enjoying good moments with your #teenager will help you both feel more connected and give you both something to come back to when blowups inevitably do happen.
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=10165

How #parents can help #kids resist the pressure created by artfully curated #socialmedia feeds

Writer: Rae Jacobson

Clinical Experts: Jill Emanuele, PhD , Kimberly Alexander, Psy

What You'll Learn

- How does #socialmedia affect #teens?

- What can #parents do to help?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Struggling to stay afloat

- Hiding imperfection

- Other people’s perfection

- Difficult to resist

- #Socialmedia and #teenagers: How to help

-

#Socialmedia can be fun, exciting, even helpful. But for some #teens, all those pictures of awesome vacations, perfect bodies, and great-looking lives can fuel #self-doubt. How can #parents help #teenagers have a healthier relationship with their social feeds?

Keeping #teens from falling into the #socialmedia trap is harder than it sounds. #Parents can start by taking it seriously. #Socialmedia plays a huge role in #teenage life. Many #teens never knew a world where #socialmedia didn’t exist. For them the things that happen online — fights, break-ups, likes, mean comments — are very real. When you talk about it with your #teen, let them know you take their feelings seriously. For example you could say: “That comment was pretty mean. I’m sorry that happened. How are you feeling about it?”

Encourage #teens to take what they see on #socialmedia with a (large) grain of salt. Asking questions can help. For example, are their friends are really the people they seem to be online? And is your #child the person they seem to be online? Why does getting likes feel good? Do they feel better or worse after looking at #socialmedia? Check in regularly and if you notice your #child is feeling down, ask them if their feed is helping or harming.

If you’re worried that #socialmedia is taking a toll on your #child, family “unplugging” can help. That means everyone (yes, #parents too) agrees not to use #socialmedia for a few days. It can help to set a goal to work towards during your detox. For example, learning to knit, or watching a series of movies as a family. Check in regularly, and notice how you feel without the social feed. If kids report feeling better, you could make the unplugging a regular thing.

In the end, remind your #teen that your goal is to help them feel happy and safe. Understanding how they are affected by what they choose to do, online and off, will help.

“Look,” says Sasha, a 16-year-old junior in #highschool, scrolling slowly through her #Instagram feed. “See: pretty coffee, pretty girl, cute cat, beach trip. It’s all like that. Everyone looks like they’re having the best day ever, all the time.”

Magazines and advertising have long been criticized for upholding dangerously unrealistic standards of success and beauty, but at least it’s acknowledged that they are idealized. The models wearing Size 0 clothing are just that: models. And even they are made-up, retouched, and photoshopped.

These days, however, the impossible standards are set much closer to home, not by celebrities and models but by classmates and friends. With #socialmedia, #teens can curate their lives, and the resulting feeds read like highlight reels, showing only the best and most enviable moments while concealing efforts, struggles, and the merely ordinary aspects of day-to-day life. And there’s evidence that those images are causing distress for many #kids.

Donna Wick, EdD, founder of Mind-to-Mind Parenting, says that for #teenagers the combined weight of vulnerability, the need for validation, and a desire to compare themselves with peers forms what she describes as a “perfect storm of self-doubt.” She’s so thin. Her grades are perfect. What a happy couple. I’ll never be that cool, that skinny, that lucky, that successful.

Sometimes, says Sasha, looking at friends’ feeds “makes you feel like everyone has it together but you.”

Struggling to stay afloat

The fallout from these unrealistic standards becomes more dangerous once #kids reach college, where they face higher stakes, harder work, and a largely parent-free environment. The pressure to look perfect to impress new peers, not to speak of friends and family back home, can be even greater. 

After a recent spate of college suicides, researchers at Stanford University coined the phrase “duck syndrome.” The term refers to the way a duck appears to glide effortlessly across a pond while below the surface its feet work frantically, invisibly struggling to stay afloat.

Several #students who have died had projected a perfect image on #socialmedia—their feeds packed with inspirational quotes and filtered images showing attractive, happy #kids who seemed to excel with minimal effort. But behind the digital curtain they were struggling emotionally.

Hiding imperfection

For #kids experiencing #anxiety or #depression, carefully edited feeds can act as a smoke screen, masking serious issues behind pretend perfection and making it harder for #parents or friends to see that they need help.

“It’s important to remember that just posting edited pictures online or pretending your life is a little more glamorous than it is is not in itself a problem,” says Jill Emanuele, PhD, Senior Director of the Mood Disorders Center at the #ChildMindInstitute. “#Socialmedia alone is unlikely to be at the heart of the issue, but it can make a difficult situation even harder.”

#Teens who have created idealized online personas may feel frustrated and depressed at the gap between who they pretend to be online and who they truly are.

“If you practice being a false self eight hours a day, it gets harder to accept the less-than-perfect being you really are,” says Dr. Wick, “and as we all know there’s no harsher judge of a #kid than herself.”

Other people’s perfection

Another, more prevalent problem, says Dr. Emanuele, is that for some #teens their social feeds can become fuel for negative feelings they have about themselves. #Kids struggling with #self-doubt read into their friends’ images what they feel they are lacking.

“#Kids view #socialmedia through the lens of their own lives,” says Dr. Emanuele. “If they’re struggling to stay on top of things or suffering from low #self-esteem, they’re more likely to interpret images of peers having fun as confirmation that they’re doing badly compared to their friends.”

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Difficult to resist

Sasha and her friend Jacob, 15, agree that constant exposure to #socialmedia has had an impact on how they view their peers and themselves. “It’s like you know it isn’t making you happy,” says Jacob of the pictures his friends post on #Instagram. “But you still look.”

Even the knowledge that these images mask serious problems doesn’t seem to alleviate the pressure they cause.

“I knew a #girl who had an #eatingdisorder. We all knew it. It got so bad that she ended up going to a treatment center, but when she put pictures up of herself on the beach looking super-thin everyone liked them anyway,” says Sasha.

Logically, she says, she knew the pictures weren’t current and the #girl was very ill, but that didn’t stop her from feeling a twinge of jealousy. “I remember thinking ‘I wish I looked like that’ and then being horrified at myself.”

Sasha also acknowledges the trouble of “liking” images that in this case provided dangerous validation. “It’s like we were saying, ‘Good job.’ ”

#Socialmedia and #teenagers: How to help

What can #parents do to help #kids build a safe and reasonable relationship with #socialmedia before they’re out on their own?

Dr. Wick says keeping #teens from falling into the #socialmedia trap is more complicated than it sounds. “It’s not about taking the phone away or having a single conversation.” She says, “Parents need to be diligent about making sure #kids are getting a dose of reality and need to model healthy #behaviors.”

- Take #socialmedia seriously. Don’t underestimate the role #socialmedia plays in the lives of #teenagers, warns Dr. Wick. “The power of a visual image is so strong. It’s disorienting.” Many #teens, she says, never knew a world where #socialmedia didn’t exist, and for them the things that happen online—slights, break-ups, likes, or negative comments—are very real. When you talk about #socialmedia make sure you’re really listening and be careful not to dismiss or minimize your teen’s experiences.

- Encourage them to think outside the (crop) box. When you talk to your #child about #socialmedia, encourage her to explore it in a more critical way. A great way to start is to try asking her what she thinks has been cropped or edited out of her friends’ “perfect” pictures and why. That can lead to larger questions. Do you think your friends are really the people they appear to be online? Are you? What’s the purpose of posting a photo? What is it about getting “likes” that feels good? Does looking at #socialmedia affect your mood?

- Model a healthy response to failure. “#Kids have to get the message that it is okay to fail,” says Dr. Wick. “And not only that it’s okay to fail, but that showing it is okay, too.” If #parents hide their own failures, #kids are less likely to be okay with anything less than success. “When things don’t work out as you’d planned or a project goes awry, show your child how to accept it with grace,” she adds. “Let kids know that failure is part of how we learn to succeed, that it’s nothing to be ashamed of and let them see you pick yourself up and try again.”

- Praise (and show) effort. “Effort is something to be proud of,” says Dr. Wick. “It can’t be said enough.” #Parents should let #kids know that showing their work is something to be praised, not hidden. When your #child has worked hard on something, praise her efforts no matter what the outcome. It’s also helpful to examine how comfortable you are showing your own efforts, especially those that don’t end in success. Being proud and open about your own work sets a powerful example for your #child.

- Go on a “social holiday.” If you’re worried that your #child is getting too wrapped up in #socialmedia, try taking a social holiday. “This means everyone,” says Dr. Wick. If you’re asking your #child to take a break, practice what you preach and pledge to stay off media as well. It can be every bit as hard for #parents to unplug as #kids.” 

- Trust people, not pictures. Finally, don’t rely on #socialmedia to let you know how your #child is really doing. She may post smiling selfies all day long, but if she seems unhappy or sounds unhappy on the phone, don’t let it go. Make sure she knows it’s safe to talk to you by encouraging her to share her feelings and supporting her when she does. Reassure her that you’re not disappointed, and let her know you’re proud of her for reaching out. “I’m so glad you called. It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed, I’m here and I love you. Let’s talk this through together.”

In the end, as a #parent you want your #child to be happy and successful. But making sure she knows you love her and you’re proud of her as she is—unfiltered, unedited, imperfect—will help her build confidence she needs to accept herself and stay safe and healthy when she’s out on her own.

This article was last reviewed or updated on September 2, 2022.

Rae Jacobson

Rae Jacobson is a writer, #ADHD expert, and former senior editor at the #ChildMindInstitute. Her work has appeared … Read Bio
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/2022/10/jamesdonaldson-on-mentalhealth-socialmedia-and-self-doubt/

How #parents can help #kids resist the pressure created by artfully curated #socialmedia feeds

Writer: Rae Jacobson

Clinical Experts: Jill Emanuele, PhD , Kimberly Alexander, Psy

What You'll Learn

- How does #socialmedia affect #teens?

- What can #parents do to help?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Struggling to stay afloat

- Hiding imperfection

- Other people’s perfection

- Difficult to resist

- #Socialmedia and #teenagers: How to help

-

#Socialmedia can be fun, exciting, even helpful. But for some #teens, all those pictures of awesome vacations, perfect bodies, and great-looking lives can fuel #self-doubt. How can #parents help #teenagers have a healthier relationship with their social feeds?

Keeping #teens from falling into the #socialmedia trap is harder than it sounds. #Parents can start by taking it seriously. #Socialmedia plays a huge role in #teenage life. Many #teens never knew a world where #socialmedia didn’t exist. For them the things that happen online — fights, break-ups, likes, mean comments — are very real. When you talk about it with your #teen, let them know you take their feelings seriously. For example you could say: “That comment was pretty mean. I’m sorry that happened. How are you feeling about it?”

Encourage #teens to take what they see on #socialmedia with a (large) grain of salt. Asking questions can help. For example, are their friends are really the people they seem to be online? And is your #child the person they seem to be online? Why does getting likes feel good? Do they feel better or worse after looking at #socialmedia? Check in regularly and if you notice your #child is feeling down, ask them if their feed is helping or harming.

If you’re worried that #socialmedia is taking a toll on your #child, family “unplugging” can help. That means everyone (yes, #parents too) agrees not to use #socialmedia for a few days. It can help to set a goal to work towards during your detox. For example, learning to knit, or watching a series of movies as a family. Check in regularly, and notice how you feel without the social feed. If kids report feeling better, you could make the unplugging a regular thing.

In the end, remind your #teen that your goal is to help them feel happy and safe. Understanding how they are affected by what they choose to do, online and off, will help.

“Look,” says Sasha, a 16-year-old junior in #highschool, scrolling slowly through her #Instagram feed. “See: pretty coffee, pretty girl, cute cat, beach trip. It’s all like that. Everyone looks like they’re having the best day ever, all the time.”

Magazines and advertising have long been criticized for upholding dangerously unrealistic standards of success and beauty, but at least it’s acknowledged that they are idealized. The models wearing Size 0 clothing are just that: models. And even they are made-up, retouched, and photoshopped.

These days, however, the impossible standards are set much closer to home, not by celebrities and models but by classmates and friends. With #socialmedia, #teens can curate their lives, and the resulting feeds read like highlight reels, showing only the best and most enviable moments while concealing efforts, struggles, and the merely ordinary aspects of day-to-day life. And there’s evidence that those images are causing distress for many #kids.

Donna Wick, EdD, founder of Mind-to-Mind Parenting, says that for #teenagers the combined weight of vulnerability, the need for validation, and a desire to compare themselves with peers forms what she describes as a “perfect storm of self-doubt.” She’s so thin. Her grades are perfect. What a happy couple. I’ll never be that cool, that skinny, that lucky, that successful.

Sometimes, says Sasha, looking at friends’ feeds “makes you feel like everyone has it together but you.”

Struggling to stay afloat

The fallout from these unrealistic standards becomes more dangerous once #kids reach college, where they face higher stakes, harder work, and a largely parent-free environment. The pressure to look perfect to impress new peers, not to speak of friends and family back home, can be even greater. 

After a recent spate of college suicides, researchers at Stanford University coined the phrase “duck syndrome.” The term refers to the way a duck appears to glide effortlessly across a pond while below the surface its feet work frantically, invisibly struggling to stay afloat.

Several #students who have died had projected a perfect image on #socialmedia—their feeds packed with inspirational quotes and filtered images showing attractive, happy #kids who seemed to excel with minimal effort. But behind the digital curtain they were struggling emotionally.

Hiding imperfection

For #kids experiencing #anxiety or #depression, carefully edited feeds can act as a smoke screen, masking serious issues behind pretend perfection and making it harder for #parents or friends to see that they need help.

“It’s important to remember that just posting edited pictures online or pretending your life is a little more glamorous than it is is not in itself a problem,” says Jill Emanuele, PhD, Senior Director of the Mood Disorders Center at the #ChildMindInstitute. “#Socialmedia alone is unlikely to be at the heart of the issue, but it can make a difficult situation even harder.”

#Teens who have created idealized online personas may feel frustrated and depressed at the gap between who they pretend to be online and who they truly are.

“If you practice being a false self eight hours a day, it gets harder to accept the less-than-perfect being you really are,” says Dr. Wick, “and as we all know there’s no harsher judge of a #kid than herself.”

Other people’s perfection

Another, more prevalent problem, says Dr. Emanuele, is that for some #teens their social feeds can become fuel for negative feelings they have about themselves. #Kids struggling with #self-doubt read into their friends’ images what they feel they are lacking.

“#Kids view #socialmedia through the lens of their own lives,” says Dr. Emanuele. “If they’re struggling to stay on top of things or suffering from low #self-esteem, they’re more likely to interpret images of peers having fun as confirmation that they’re doing badly compared to their friends.”

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Difficult to resist

Sasha and her friend Jacob, 15, agree that constant exposure to #socialmedia has had an impact on how they view their peers and themselves. “It’s like you know it isn’t making you happy,” says Jacob of the pictures his friends post on #Instagram. “But you still look.”

Even the knowledge that these images mask serious problems doesn’t seem to alleviate the pressure they cause.

“I knew a #girl who had an #eatingdisorder. We all knew it. It got so bad that she ended up going to a treatment center, but when she put pictures up of herself on the beach looking super-thin everyone liked them anyway,” says Sasha.

Logically, she says, she knew the pictures weren’t current and the #girl was very ill, but that didn’t stop her from feeling a twinge of jealousy. “I remember thinking ‘I wish I looked like that’ and then being horrified at myself.”

Sasha also acknowledges the trouble of “liking” images that in this case provided dangerous validation. “It’s like we were saying, ‘Good job.’ ”

#Socialmedia and #teenagers: How to help

What can #parents do to help #kids build a safe and reasonable relationship with #socialmedia before they’re out on their own?

Dr. Wick says keeping #teens from falling into the #socialmedia trap is more complicated than it sounds. “It’s not about taking the phone away or having a single conversation.” She says, “Parents need to be diligent about making sure #kids are getting a dose of reality and need to model healthy #behaviors.”

- Take #socialmedia seriously. Don’t underestimate the role #socialmedia plays in the lives of #teenagers, warns Dr. Wick. “The power of a visual image is so strong. It’s disorienting.” Many #teens, she says, never knew a world where #socialmedia didn’t exist, and for them the things that happen online—slights, break-ups, likes, or negative comments—are very real. When you talk about #socialmedia make sure you’re really listening and be careful not to dismiss or minimize your teen’s experiences.

- Encourage them to think outside the (crop) box. When you talk to your #child about #socialmedia, encourage her to explore it in a more critical way. A great way to start is to try asking her what she thinks has been cropped or edited out of her friends’ “perfect” pictures and why. That can lead to larger questions. Do you think your friends are really the people they appear to be online? Are you? What’s the purpose of posting a photo? What is it about getting “likes” that feels good? Does looking at #socialmedia affect your mood?

- Model a healthy response to failure. “#Kids have to get the message that it is okay to fail,” says Dr. Wick. “And not only that it’s okay to fail, but that showing it is okay, too.” If #parents hide their own failures, #kids are less likely to be okay with anything less than success. “When things don’t work out as you’d planned or a project goes awry, show your child how to accept it with grace,” she adds. “Let kids know that failure is part of how we learn to succeed, that it’s nothing to be ashamed of and let them see you pick yourself up and try again.”

- Praise (and show) effort. “Effort is something to be proud of,” says Dr. Wick. “It can’t be said enough.” #Parents should let #kids know that showing their work is something to be praised, not hidden. When your #child has worked hard on something, praise her efforts no matter what the outcome. It’s also helpful to examine how comfortable you are showing your own efforts, especially those that don’t end in success. Being proud and open about your own work sets a powerful example for your #child.

- Go on a “social holiday.” If you’re worried that your #child is getting too wrapped up in #socialmedia, try taking a social holiday. “This means everyone,” says Dr. Wick. If you’re asking your #child to take a break, practice what you preach and pledge to stay off media as well. It can be every bit as hard for #parents to unplug as #kids.” 

- Trust people, not pictures. Finally, don’t rely on #socialmedia to let you know how your #child is really doing. She may post smiling selfies all day long, but if she seems unhappy or sounds unhappy on the phone, don’t let it go. Make sure she knows it’s safe to talk to you by encouraging her to share her feelings and supporting her when she does. Reassure her that you’re not disappointed, and let her know you’re proud of her for reaching out. “I’m so glad you called. It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed, I’m here and I love you. Let’s talk this through together.”

In the end, as a #parent you want your #child to be happy and successful. But making sure she knows you love her and you’re proud of her as she is—unfiltered, unedited, imperfect—will help her build confidence she needs to accept herself and stay safe and healthy when she’s out on her own.

This article was last reviewed or updated on September 2, 2022.

Rae Jacobson

Rae Jacobson is a writer, #ADHD expert, and former senior editor at the #ChildMindInstitute. Her work has appeared … Read Bio
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=10113

#Kids who seem oppositional are often severely anxious

Writer: Caroline Miller

Clinical Experts: Jerry Bubrick, PhD , Rachel Busman, PsyD, ABPP , Nancy Rappaport, MD

What You'll Learn

- Why do #kids with #anxiety sometimes act out?

- What are the signs that a disruptive #child might be anxious?

- What happens when #anxiety is mistaken for bad #behavior?

- What kinds of help are available for anxious #kids who act out?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Unrecognized #anxiety

- A great masquerader

- Problems at #school

- Giving #kids tools to handle #anxiety

- #Anxiety confused with #ADHD

- How to identify #anxiety

The symptoms of #anxiety that most of us think of are clinging to #parents, avoiding things or being very shy. But problem #behavior can also be a symptom of #anxiety. That’s because some anxious #children feel an overwhelming need to get out of the situation that’s making them uncomfortable. That #behavior may look like anger or defiance. 

Signs that a #child who is acting out might be anxious include lashing out, throwing tantrums, seeming distracted, moving around a lot (like leaving their seat or even running out of the room), arguing with others, and asking lots of questions. 

#Adults may mistakenly think that #children who are acting out are being difficult on purpose. #Parents don’t feel respected and may be frustrated or exhausted. At #school, when #kids disrupt class or don’t follow instructions, they offend #teachers. Instead of learning to manage their #anxiety, they end up in the principal’s office.  

Anxious kids who act out may be mistakenly diagnosed with #ADHD or a #behaviordisorder. That’s why it’s important to have a careful evaluation by a #mentalhealthprofessional, like a #psychologist, #psychiatrist or social worker, to find out what’s causing the #behavior. #Anxiety can be treated very successfully with #cognitivebehaviortherapy, or #CBT. Kids learn techniques to calm themselves down when they are anxious, and the #anxiety fades over time. Medication is sometimes recommended, too.  

A10-year-old boy named James has an outburst in #school. Upset by something a classmate says to him, he pushes the other boy, and a shoving-match ensues. When the #teacher steps in to break it up, James goes ballistic, throwing papers and books around the classroom and bolting out of the room. He is finally contained in the vice principal’s office, where staff members try to calm him down. Instead, he kicks the vice principal in a frenzied effort to escape. The staff calls 911, and James ends up in the Emergency Room.

To the uninitiated, James looks like a boy with serious anger issues. It’s not the first time he’s flown out of control. The #school insists that his #parents pick him up and take him home for lunch every day because he’s been banned from the cafeteria.

Unrecognized #anxiety

But what’s really going on? “It turns out, after an evaluation, that he is off the charts for #socialanxiety,” reports Jerry Bubrick, PhD, a #child #psychologist at the #ChildMindInstitute. “He can’t tolerate any — even constructive — criticism. James is terrified of being embarrassed, so when a boy says something that makes him uncomfortable, he has no skills to deal with it, and he freaks out. Flight or fight.”

James’s story illustrates something that #parents and #teachers may not realize — that disruptive #behavior is often generated by unrecognized #anxiety. A #child who appears to be oppositional or aggressive may be reacting to #anxiety—#anxiety they may, depending on their age, not be able to articulate effectively, or not even fully recognize.

“Especially in younger #kids with #anxiety you might see freezing and clinging kind of #behavior,” says Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical #psychologist, “but you can also see tantrums and complete meltdowns.”

A great masquerader

#Anxiety manifests in a surprising variety of ways in part because it is based on a physiological response to a threat in the environment, a response that maximizes the body’s ability to either face danger or escape danger. So while some #children exhibit #anxiety by shrinking from situations or objects that trigger fears, some react with overwhelming need to break out of an uncomfortable situation. That #behavior, which can be unmanageable, is often misread as anger or opposition.

“#Anxiety is one of those diagnoses that is a great masquerader,” explains Laura Prager, MD, director of the #Child Psychiatry Emergency Service at Massachusetts General Hospital. “It can look like a lot of things. Particularly with #kids who may not have words to express their feelings, or because no one is listening to them, they might manifest their #anxiety with #behavioral dysregulation.”

The more commonly recognized symptoms of #anxiety in a #child are things like trouble sleeping in their own room or separating from their #parents, avoidance of certain activities. “Anyone would recognize those symptoms,” notes Dr. Prager, co-author of #Suicide by Security Blanket, and Other Stories from the Child Psychiatry Emergency Service. But in other cases the #anxiety can be hidden.

“When the chief complaint is temper tantrums, or disruption in #school, or throwing themselves on the floor while shopping at the mall, it’s hard to know what it means,” she explains. “But it’s not uncommon, when #kids like that come in to the ER, for the diagnosis to end up being a pretty profound #anxietydisorder.”

Problems at #school

It’s not uncommon for #children with serious undiagnosed #anxiety to be disruptive at #school, where demands and expectations put pressure on them that they can’t handle. And it can be very confusing to #teachers and other staff members to “read” that #behavior, which can seem to come out of nowhere.

Nancy Rappaport, MD, a Harvard Medical #School professor who specializes in #mentalhealthcare in #school settings, sees #anxiety as one of the causes of disruptive #behavior that makes classroom teaching so challenging. “The trouble is that when #kids who are anxious become disruptive they push away the very #adults who they need to help them feel secure,” notes Dr. Rappaport. “And instead of learning to manage their #anxiety, they end up spending half the day in the principal’s office.”

Dr. Rappaport sees a lot of acting out in #school as the result of trauma at home. “#Kids who are struggling, not feeling safe at home,” she notes, “can act like terrorists at #school, with fairly intimidating kinds of #behavior.” Most at risk, she says, are #kids with #ADHD who’ve also experienced trauma. “They’re hyper-vigilant, they have no executive functioning, they misread cues and go into combat.”

Giving #kids tools to handle #anxiety

When a #teacher is able to build a relationship with a #child, to find out what’s really going on with them, what’s provoking the #behavior, she can often give them tools to handle #anxiety and prevent meltdowns. In her book, The #Behavior Code: A Practical Guide to Understanding and Teaching the Most Challenging #Students, Dr. Rappaport offers strategies kids can be taught to use to calm themselves down, from breathing exercises to techniques for distracting themselves.

“When a #teacher understands the #anxiety underlying the opposition, rather than making the assumption that the #child is actively trying to make her miserable, it changes her approach,” says Dr. Rappaport, “The #teacher is able to join forces with the #child himself and the #school #counselor, to come up with strategies for preventing these situations.”

If it sounds labor-intensive for the #teacher, it is, she notes, but so is dealing with the aftermath of the same #child having a meltdown.

#Anxiety confused with #ADHD

#Anxiety also drives a lot of symptoms in a #school setting that are easily misconstrued as #ADHD or defiant #behavior.

“I’ll see a #child who’s having difficulty in #school: not paying attention, getting up out of their seat all the time, asking a lot of questions, going to the bathroom a lot, getting in other kids’ spaces,” explains Dr. Busman. “The #behavior is disrupting other #kids, and is frustrating to the #teacher, who’s wondering why they ask so many questions, and why they’re so wrapped up in what other #kids are doing, whether they’re following the rules.”

People tend to assume what’s happening with this #child is #ADHD inattentive type, but it’s commonly #anxiety. #Kids with #OCD, mislabeled as inattentive, are actually not asking all those questions because they’re not listening, but rather because they need a lot of reassurance.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

How to identify #anxiety

“It probably occurs more than we think, either #anxiety that looks disruptive or #anxiety coexisting with disruptive #behaviors,” Dr. Busman adds. “It all goes back to the fact that #kids are complicated and symptoms can overlap diagnostic categories, which is why we need to have really comprehensive and good diagnostic assessment.”

First of all, good assessment needs to gather data from multiple sources, not just #parents. “We want to talk to #teachers and other people involved with the kid’s life,” she adds, “because sometimes #kids that we see are exactly the same at home and at #school, sometimes they are like two different #children.”

And it needs to use rating scales on a full spectrum of #behaviors, not just the area that looks the most obvious, to avoid missing things.

Dr. Busman also notes that a #child with severe #anxiety who’s struggling in #school might also have attention or learning issues, but they might need to be treated for the #anxiety before they can really be evaluated for those. She uses the example of a #teenager with #OCD who is doing terribly in #school. “She’s ritualizing three to four hours a day, and having constant intrusive thoughts — so we need to treat that, to get the #anxiety under control before we ask, how is she learning?”
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/2022/10/jamesdonaldson-on-mentalhealth-how-anxiety-leads-to-problem-behavior/

#Kids who seem oppositional are often severely anxious

Writer: Caroline Miller

Clinical Experts: Jerry Bubrick, PhD , Rachel Busman, PsyD, ABPP , Nancy Rappaport, MD

What You'll Learn

- Why do #kids with #anxiety sometimes act out?

- What are the signs that a disruptive #child might be anxious?

- What happens when #anxiety is mistaken for bad #behavior?

- What kinds of help are available for anxious #kids who act out?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Unrecognized #anxiety

- A great masquerader

- Problems at #school

- Giving #kids tools to handle #anxiety

- #Anxiety confused with #ADHD

- How to identify #anxiety

The symptoms of #anxiety that most of us think of are clinging to #parents, avoiding things or being very shy. But problem #behavior can also be a symptom of #anxiety. That’s because some anxious #children feel an overwhelming need to get out of the situation that’s making them uncomfortable. That #behavior may look like anger or defiance. 

Signs that a #child who is acting out might be anxious include lashing out, throwing tantrums, seeming distracted, moving around a lot (like leaving their seat or even running out of the room), arguing with others, and asking lots of questions. 

#Adults may mistakenly think that #children who are acting out are being difficult on purpose. #Parents don’t feel respected and may be frustrated or exhausted. At #school, when #kids disrupt class or don’t follow instructions, they offend #teachers. Instead of learning to manage their #anxiety, they end up in the principal’s office.  

Anxious kids who act out may be mistakenly diagnosed with #ADHD or a #behaviordisorder. That’s why it’s important to have a careful evaluation by a #mentalhealthprofessional, like a #psychologist, #psychiatrist or social worker, to find out what’s causing the #behavior. #Anxiety can be treated very successfully with #cognitivebehaviortherapy, or #CBT. Kids learn techniques to calm themselves down when they are anxious, and the #anxiety fades over time. Medication is sometimes recommended, too.  

A10-year-old boy named James has an outburst in #school. Upset by something a classmate says to him, he pushes the other boy, and a shoving-match ensues. When the #teacher steps in to break it up, James goes ballistic, throwing papers and books around the classroom and bolting out of the room. He is finally contained in the vice principal’s office, where staff members try to calm him down. Instead, he kicks the vice principal in a frenzied effort to escape. The staff calls 911, and James ends up in the Emergency Room.

To the uninitiated, James looks like a boy with serious anger issues. It’s not the first time he’s flown out of control. The #school insists that his #parents pick him up and take him home for lunch every day because he’s been banned from the cafeteria.

Unrecognized #anxiety

But what’s really going on? “It turns out, after an evaluation, that he is off the charts for #socialanxiety,” reports Jerry Bubrick, PhD, a #child #psychologist at the #ChildMindInstitute. “He can’t tolerate any — even constructive — criticism. James is terrified of being embarrassed, so when a boy says something that makes him uncomfortable, he has no skills to deal with it, and he freaks out. Flight or fight.”

James’s story illustrates something that #parents and #teachers may not realize — that disruptive #behavior is often generated by unrecognized #anxiety. A #child who appears to be oppositional or aggressive may be reacting to #anxiety—#anxiety they may, depending on their age, not be able to articulate effectively, or not even fully recognize.

“Especially in younger #kids with #anxiety you might see freezing and clinging kind of #behavior,” says Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical #psychologist, “but you can also see tantrums and complete meltdowns.”

A great masquerader

#Anxiety manifests in a surprising variety of ways in part because it is based on a physiological response to a threat in the environment, a response that maximizes the body’s ability to either face danger or escape danger. So while some #children exhibit #anxiety by shrinking from situations or objects that trigger fears, some react with overwhelming need to break out of an uncomfortable situation. That #behavior, which can be unmanageable, is often misread as anger or opposition.

“#Anxiety is one of those diagnoses that is a great masquerader,” explains Laura Prager, MD, director of the #Child Psychiatry Emergency Service at Massachusetts General Hospital. “It can look like a lot of things. Particularly with #kids who may not have words to express their feelings, or because no one is listening to them, they might manifest their #anxiety with #behavioral dysregulation.”

The more commonly recognized symptoms of #anxiety in a #child are things like trouble sleeping in their own room or separating from their #parents, avoidance of certain activities. “Anyone would recognize those symptoms,” notes Dr. Prager, co-author of #Suicide by Security Blanket, and Other Stories from the Child Psychiatry Emergency Service. But in other cases the #anxiety can be hidden.

“When the chief complaint is temper tantrums, or disruption in #school, or throwing themselves on the floor while shopping at the mall, it’s hard to know what it means,” she explains. “But it’s not uncommon, when #kids like that come in to the ER, for the diagnosis to end up being a pretty profound #anxietydisorder.”

Problems at #school

It’s not uncommon for #children with serious undiagnosed #anxiety to be disruptive at #school, where demands and expectations put pressure on them that they can’t handle. And it can be very confusing to #teachers and other staff members to “read” that #behavior, which can seem to come out of nowhere.

Nancy Rappaport, MD, a Harvard Medical #School professor who specializes in #mentalhealthcare in #school settings, sees #anxiety as one of the causes of disruptive #behavior that makes classroom teaching so challenging. “The trouble is that when #kids who are anxious become disruptive they push away the very #adults who they need to help them feel secure,” notes Dr. Rappaport. “And instead of learning to manage their #anxiety, they end up spending half the day in the principal’s office.”

Dr. Rappaport sees a lot of acting out in #school as the result of trauma at home. “#Kids who are struggling, not feeling safe at home,” she notes, “can act like terrorists at #school, with fairly intimidating kinds of #behavior.” Most at risk, she says, are #kids with #ADHD who’ve also experienced trauma. “They’re hyper-vigilant, they have no executive functioning, they misread cues and go into combat.”

Giving #kids tools to handle #anxiety

When a #teacher is able to build a relationship with a #child, to find out what’s really going on with them, what’s provoking the #behavior, she can often give them tools to handle #anxiety and prevent meltdowns. In her book, The #Behavior Code: A Practical Guide to Understanding and Teaching the Most Challenging #Students, Dr. Rappaport offers strategies kids can be taught to use to calm themselves down, from breathing exercises to techniques for distracting themselves.

“When a #teacher understands the #anxiety underlying the opposition, rather than making the assumption that the #child is actively trying to make her miserable, it changes her approach,” says Dr. Rappaport, “The #teacher is able to join forces with the #child himself and the #school #counselor, to come up with strategies for preventing these situations.”

If it sounds labor-intensive for the #teacher, it is, she notes, but so is dealing with the aftermath of the same #child having a meltdown.

#Anxiety confused with #ADHD

#Anxiety also drives a lot of symptoms in a #school setting that are easily misconstrued as #ADHD or defiant #behavior.

“I’ll see a #child who’s having difficulty in #school: not paying attention, getting up out of their seat all the time, asking a lot of questions, going to the bathroom a lot, getting in other kids’ spaces,” explains Dr. Busman. “The #behavior is disrupting other #kids, and is frustrating to the #teacher, who’s wondering why they ask so many questions, and why they’re so wrapped up in what other #kids are doing, whether they’re following the rules.”

People tend to assume what’s happening with this #child is #ADHD inattentive type, but it’s commonly #anxiety. #Kids with #OCD, mislabeled as inattentive, are actually not asking all those questions because they’re not listening, but rather because they need a lot of reassurance.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

How to identify #anxiety

“It probably occurs more than we think, either #anxiety that looks disruptive or #anxiety coexisting with disruptive #behaviors,” Dr. Busman adds. “It all goes back to the fact that #kids are complicated and symptoms can overlap diagnostic categories, which is why we need to have really comprehensive and good diagnostic assessment.”

First of all, good assessment needs to gather data from multiple sources, not just #parents. “We want to talk to #teachers and other people involved with the kid’s life,” she adds, “because sometimes #kids that we see are exactly the same at home and at #school, sometimes they are like two different #children.”

And it needs to use rating scales on a full spectrum of #behaviors, not just the area that looks the most obvious, to avoid missing things.

Dr. Busman also notes that a #child with severe #anxiety who’s struggling in #school might also have attention or learning issues, but they might need to be treated for the #anxiety before they can really be evaluated for those. She uses the example of a #teenager with #OCD who is doing terribly in #school. “She’s ritualizing three to four hours a day, and having constant intrusive thoughts — so we need to treat that, to get the #anxiety under control before we ask, how is she learning?”
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/2022/10/jamesdonaldson-on-mentalhealth-how-anxiety-leads-to-problem-behavior/

#Kids who seem oppositional are often severely anxious

Writer: Caroline Miller

Clinical Experts: Jerry Bubrick, PhD , Rachel Busman, PsyD, ABPP , Nancy Rappaport, MD

What You'll Learn

- Why do #kids with #anxiety sometimes act out?

- What are the signs that a disruptive #child might be anxious?

- What happens when #anxiety is mistaken for bad #behavior?

- What kinds of help are available for anxious #kids who act out?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Unrecognized #anxiety

- A great masquerader

- Problems at #school

- Giving #kids tools to handle #anxiety

- #Anxiety confused with #ADHD

- How to identify #anxiety

The symptoms of #anxiety that most of us think of are clinging to #parents, avoiding things or being very shy. But problem #behavior can also be a symptom of #anxiety. That’s because some anxious #children feel an overwhelming need to get out of the situation that’s making them uncomfortable. That #behavior may look like anger or defiance. 

Signs that a #child who is acting out might be anxious include lashing out, throwing tantrums, seeming distracted, moving around a lot (like leaving their seat or even running out of the room), arguing with others, and asking lots of questions. 

#Adults may mistakenly think that #children who are acting out are being difficult on purpose. #Parents don’t feel respected and may be frustrated or exhausted. At #school, when #kids disrupt class or don’t follow instructions, they offend #teachers. Instead of learning to manage their #anxiety, they end up in the principal’s office.  

Anxious kids who act out may be mistakenly diagnosed with #ADHD or a #behaviordisorder. That’s why it’s important to have a careful evaluation by a #mentalhealthprofessional, like a #psychologist, #psychiatrist or social worker, to find out what’s causing the #behavior. #Anxiety can be treated very successfully with #cognitivebehaviortherapy, or #CBT. Kids learn techniques to calm themselves down when they are anxious, and the #anxiety fades over time. Medication is sometimes recommended, too.  

A10-year-old boy named James has an outburst in #school. Upset by something a classmate says to him, he pushes the other boy, and a shoving-match ensues. When the #teacher steps in to break it up, James goes ballistic, throwing papers and books around the classroom and bolting out of the room. He is finally contained in the vice principal’s office, where staff members try to calm him down. Instead, he kicks the vice principal in a frenzied effort to escape. The staff calls 911, and James ends up in the Emergency Room.

To the uninitiated, James looks like a boy with serious anger issues. It’s not the first time he’s flown out of control. The #school insists that his #parents pick him up and take him home for lunch every day because he’s been banned from the cafeteria.

Unrecognized #anxiety

But what’s really going on? “It turns out, after an evaluation, that he is off the charts for #socialanxiety,” reports Jerry Bubrick, PhD, a #child #psychologist at the #ChildMindInstitute. “He can’t tolerate any — even constructive — criticism. James is terrified of being embarrassed, so when a boy says something that makes him uncomfortable, he has no skills to deal with it, and he freaks out. Flight or fight.”

James’s story illustrates something that #parents and #teachers may not realize — that disruptive #behavior is often generated by unrecognized #anxiety. A #child who appears to be oppositional or aggressive may be reacting to #anxiety—#anxiety they may, depending on their age, not be able to articulate effectively, or not even fully recognize.

“Especially in younger #kids with #anxiety you might see freezing and clinging kind of #behavior,” says Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical #psychologist, “but you can also see tantrums and complete meltdowns.”

A great masquerader

#Anxiety manifests in a surprising variety of ways in part because it is based on a physiological response to a threat in the environment, a response that maximizes the body’s ability to either face danger or escape danger. So while some #children exhibit #anxiety by shrinking from situations or objects that trigger fears, some react with overwhelming need to break out of an uncomfortable situation. That #behavior, which can be unmanageable, is often misread as anger or opposition.

“#Anxiety is one of those diagnoses that is a great masquerader,” explains Laura Prager, MD, director of the #Child Psychiatry Emergency Service at Massachusetts General Hospital. “It can look like a lot of things. Particularly with #kids who may not have words to express their feelings, or because no one is listening to them, they might manifest their #anxiety with #behavioral dysregulation.”

The more commonly recognized symptoms of #anxiety in a #child are things like trouble sleeping in their own room or separating from their #parents, avoidance of certain activities. “Anyone would recognize those symptoms,” notes Dr. Prager, co-author of #Suicide by Security Blanket, and Other Stories from the Child Psychiatry Emergency Service. But in other cases the #anxiety can be hidden.

“When the chief complaint is temper tantrums, or disruption in #school, or throwing themselves on the floor while shopping at the mall, it’s hard to know what it means,” she explains. “But it’s not uncommon, when #kids like that come in to the ER, for the diagnosis to end up being a pretty profound #anxietydisorder.”

Problems at #school

It’s not uncommon for #children with serious undiagnosed #anxiety to be disruptive at #school, where demands and expectations put pressure on them that they can’t handle. And it can be very confusing to #teachers and other staff members to “read” that #behavior, which can seem to come out of nowhere.

Nancy Rappaport, MD, a Harvard Medical #School professor who specializes in #mentalhealthcare in #school settings, sees #anxiety as one of the causes of disruptive #behavior that makes classroom teaching so challenging. “The trouble is that when #kids who are anxious become disruptive they push away the very #adults who they need to help them feel secure,” notes Dr. Rappaport. “And instead of learning to manage their #anxiety, they end up spending half the day in the principal’s office.”

Dr. Rappaport sees a lot of acting out in #school as the result of trauma at home. “#Kids who are struggling, not feeling safe at home,” she notes, “can act like terrorists at #school, with fairly intimidating kinds of #behavior.” Most at risk, she says, are #kids with #ADHD who’ve also experienced trauma. “They’re hyper-vigilant, they have no executive functioning, they misread cues and go into combat.”

Giving #kids tools to handle #anxiety

When a #teacher is able to build a relationship with a #child, to find out what’s really going on with them, what’s provoking the #behavior, she can often give them tools to handle #anxiety and prevent meltdowns. In her book, The #Behavior Code: A Practical Guide to Understanding and Teaching the Most Challenging #Students, Dr. Rappaport offers strategies kids can be taught to use to calm themselves down, from breathing exercises to techniques for distracting themselves.

“When a #teacher understands the #anxiety underlying the opposition, rather than making the assumption that the #child is actively trying to make her miserable, it changes her approach,” says Dr. Rappaport, “The #teacher is able to join forces with the #child himself and the #school #counselor, to come up with strategies for preventing these situations.”

If it sounds labor-intensive for the #teacher, it is, she notes, but so is dealing with the aftermath of the same #child having a meltdown.

#Anxiety confused with #ADHD

#Anxiety also drives a lot of symptoms in a #school setting that are easily misconstrued as #ADHD or defiant #behavior.

“I’ll see a #child who’s having difficulty in #school: not paying attention, getting up out of their seat all the time, asking a lot of questions, going to the bathroom a lot, getting in other kids’ spaces,” explains Dr. Busman. “The #behavior is disrupting other #kids, and is frustrating to the #teacher, who’s wondering why they ask so many questions, and why they’re so wrapped up in what other #kids are doing, whether they’re following the rules.”

People tend to assume what’s happening with this #child is #ADHD inattentive type, but it’s commonly #anxiety. #Kids with #OCD, mislabeled as inattentive, are actually not asking all those questions because they’re not listening, but rather because they need a lot of reassurance.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

How to identify #anxiety

“It probably occurs more than we think, either #anxiety that looks disruptive or #anxiety coexisting with disruptive #behaviors,” Dr. Busman adds. “It all goes back to the fact that #kids are complicated and symptoms can overlap diagnostic categories, which is why we need to have really comprehensive and good diagnostic assessment.”

First of all, good assessment needs to gather data from multiple sources, not just #parents. “We want to talk to #teachers and other people involved with the kid’s life,” she adds, “because sometimes #kids that we see are exactly the same at home and at #school, sometimes they are like two different #children.”

And it needs to use rating scales on a full spectrum of #behaviors, not just the area that looks the most obvious, to avoid missing things.

Dr. Busman also notes that a #child with severe #anxiety who’s struggling in #school might also have attention or learning issues, but they might need to be treated for the #anxiety before they can really be evaluated for those. She uses the example of a #teenager with #OCD who is doing terribly in #school. “She’s ritualizing three to four hours a day, and having constant intrusive thoughts — so we need to treat that, to get the #anxiety under control before we ask, how is she learning?”
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=10161