Keeping the parent-child relationship strong during a tricky age

Writer: Rachel Ehmke

The teenage years have a lot in common with the terrible twos. During both stages our kids are doing exciting new things, but they’re also pushing boundaries (and buttons) and throwing tantrums. The major developmental task facing both age groups is also the same: kids must pull away from parents and begin to assert their own independence. No wonder they sometimes act as if they think they’re the center of the universe.

This makes for complicated parenting, especially because teens are beginning to make decisions about things that that have real consequence, like school and friends and driving, not to speak of substance use and sex. But they aren’t good at regulating their emotions yet, so teens are prone to taking risks and making impulsive decisions.

This means that having a healthy and trusting parent-child relationship during the teenage years is more important than ever. Staying close isn’t easy, though. Teens often aren’t very gracious when they are rejecting what they perceive to be parental interference. While they’re an open book to their friends, who they talk to constantly via social media, they might become mute when asked by mom how their day went. A request that seemed reasonable to dad may be received as a grievous outrage.

If this sounds familiar, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child is going through their terrible teens. It is a phase that will pass, and your job as parent is still vitally important, only the role may have changed slightly. Here are some tips for navigating the new terrain:

1. Listen. If you are curious about what’s going on in your teen’s life, asking direct questions might not be as effective as simply sitting back and listening. Kids are more likely to be open with their parents if they don’t feel pressured to share information. Remember even an offhand comment about something that happened during the day is their way of reaching out, and you’re likely to hear more if you stay open and interested — but not prying.

2. Validate their feelings. It is often our tendency to try to solve problems for our kids, or downplay their disappointments. But saying something like “They weren’t right for you anyway” after a romantic disappointment can feel dismissive. Instead, show kids that you understand and empathize by reflecting their sentiments back: “Wow, that does sound difficult.”

3. Show trust. Teens want to be taken seriously, especially by their parents. Look for ways to show that you trust your teen. Asking them for a favor shows that you rely on them. Volunteering a privilege shows that you think they can handle it. Letting your kid know you have faith in them will boost their confidence and make them more likely to rise to the occasion.

4. Don’t be a dictator. You still get to set the rules, but be ready to explain them. While pushing the boundaries is natural for teenagers, hearing your thoughtful explanation about why parties on school nights aren’t allowed will make the rule seem more reasonable.

5. Give praise. Parents tend to praise children more when they are younger, but adolescents need the self-esteem boost just as much. Teenagers might act like they’re too cool to care about what their parents think, but the truth is they still want your approval. And looking for opportunities to be positive and encouraging is good for the relationship, especially when it is feeling strained.

6. Control your emotions. It’s easy for your temper to flare when your teen is being rude, but don’t respond in kind. Remember that you’re the adult and they are less able to control their emotions or think logically when they’re upset. Count to ten or take some deep breaths before responding. If you’re both too upset to talk, hit pause until you’ve had a chance to calm down.

7. Do things together. Talking isn’t the only way to communicate, and during these years it’s great if you can spend time doing things you both enjoy, whether it’s cooking or hiking or going to the movies, without talking about anything personal. It’s important for kids to know that they can be in proximity to you, and share positive experiences, without having to worry that you will pop intrusive questions or call them out for something.

8. Share regular meals. Sitting down to eat a meal together as a family is another great way to stay close. Dinner conversations give every member of the family a chance to check in and talk casually about sports or television or politics. Kids who feel comfortable talking to parents about everyday things are likely to be more open when harder things come up, too. One rule: no phones allowed.

9. Be observant. It’s normal for kids to go through some changes as they mature, but pay attention if you notice changes to their mood, behavior, energy level, or appetite. Likewise, take note if they stop wanting to do things that used to make them happy, or if you notice them isolating. If you see a change in your teen’s daily ability to function, ask them about it and be supportive (without being judgmental). They may need your help and it could be a sign they needs to talk to a mental health professional.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I communicate better with my teenager?

In order to communicate better with your teenager, it’s important to keep your emotions in check and remember how challenging it is to be a teen. Listen to their perspective and validate their feelings, and praise them even for small things. It also helps to spend quality one-on-one time with your teen. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-tips-for-communicating-with-your-teen-2/

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

by Mark Chiang

A recent report highlights significant barriers to mental health care for residents of rural America, where evidence suggests higher rates of mental illness compared to urban areas. Data indicates that the suicide rate in rural communities is 49% higher than in urban regions, underscoring the severity of the issue. The findings point to a growing mental health crisis in these areas, compounded by limited access to care and resources.

The report identifies several factors contributing to this disparity. Rural communities often face shortages of mental health professionals, with fewer providers available per capita compared to urban centers. Geographic isolation and transportation challenges further complicate access to care for many residents. Additionally, stigma surrounding mental health issues remains prevalent in rural areas, discouraging individuals from seeking help. These combined factors create significant obstacles for addressing the rising rates of mental illness and suicide in these communities.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=15784

James Donaldson on Mental Health - What Does OCD Look Like in Kids?

The most common symptoms and behaviors of children with obsessive-compulsive disorder

What You'll Learn

- Why do children with OCD feel compelled to perform repetitive actions like hand washing, counting or lining things up a certain way?t?
- What are the most common fears or thoughts that plague children with OCD?
- What are the behaviors of children with OCD that a teacher might see in a school setting?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- Kinds of Obsessions
- Kinds of Compulsions
- OCD in school

Children who have OCD have unwanted fears or thoughts that are upsetting, and they use certain actions or rituals to make them stop. The fears or worries are called  called obsessions, and the actions they perform are called compulsions.

The most common kind of obsession among kids is worries that things around them are dirty and will make them sick. They wash their hands repeatedly to make the worry go away, but it returns, forcing them to wash their hands again. Another common worry is that something bad will happen to a parent, and the child touches something a certain number of times or in a certain order to prevent that from happening. Other worries children with OCD may have include the fear of offending God or breaking a religious rule, or the fear that they will do something violent or bad. These fears tend to get worse over time, and a child may be so overwhelmed by them that they are unable to do things like go to school or eat around other people.

The kinds of actions or rituals kids use to control their fears also include extreme cleaning, checking things like locks to make sure they are secure, or homework to make sure it’s correct. They often count things or line things up a specific way, or ask repeatedly for reassurance from parents.

OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) is an anxiety disorder that kids can develop as early as 6 to 9 years old. 

Children who haveOCD have upsetting fears or thoughts that they are overwhelmed by, and they feel driven to repeat certain actions or rituals to make them stop. Unwanted thoughts are called obsessions, and the rituals they perform are called compulsions.

For instance, a child might be plagued by worries that things around them are dirty and will make them sick, so they feel driven to wash their hands repeatedly, sometimes until their skin is raw and bleeding.

Or a child may be tortured by worries that a parent will be hurt in a car accident and feel driven to touch something a certain number of times to prevent that from happening.

Rituals make the anxiety go away temporarily, but it comes back. OCD usually gets worse until a child is performing so many rituals it makes it very difficult for them to function. Children sometimes hide their symptoms while they are in school and then explode when they get home, from the stress of suppressing them all day.

Kinds of Obsessions

Some of the most common things kids with OCD worry about are:

- Contamination: Kids with this obsession are sometimes called “germophobes.” These are the kids who worry about other people sneezing and coughing, touching things that might be dirty, checking expiration dates or getting sick.
- Magical thinking: This is a kind of superstition, like “step on a crack, break your mother’s back.” For example, kids might worry that their thoughts can cause someone to get hurt or get sick. A child might think, “Unless my things are lined up in a certain way, mom will get in a car accident.”
- Scrupulosity: This is when kids have obsessive worries about offending God or breaking religious rules.
- Aggression: Kids may be plagued by a lot of different kinds of thoughts about bad things they could do. “What if I hurt someone? What if I stab someone? What if I kill someone?”
- Catastrophizing: Some kids easily jump to the conclusion that something terrible has happened. For example, if her parents are five minutes late to picking her up, a girl who is catastrophizing might tell herself that they’ve decided to abandon her.
- The “just right” feeling: Some kids feel they need to keep doing something until they get the “right feeling,” though they may not know why it feels right. So, they might think: “I’ll line these things up until it just kind of feels right, and then I’ll stop.” And then over time—in the 9-12 range—it evolves into magical thinking and becomes more superstitious in nature.

Kinds of Compulsions

Compulsions can be things that kids actively do — like line up objects or wash hands — or things done mentally, like counting in their head. A compulsion could also be an avoidance of something, like a child who avoids touching knives, even flimsy plastic ones, because she’s afraid of hurting someone.

Kinds of OCD compulsions include:

- Cleaning: Excessive or ritualized washing and cleaning
- Checking: This includes checking locks, checking to make sure a mistake wasn’t made and checking to make sure things are safe
- Repeating: Rereading, rewriting and repeating actions like going in and out of a doorway
- Counting:  Counting can include objects, numbers and words
- Arranging: Ordering things so that they are symmetrical, even or lined up in a specific pattern
- Saving: This includes hoarding and difficulty throwing things away
- Superstitious behaviors: This includes touching things to prevent something bad from happening or avoiding certain things
- Reassurance-seeking. This takes the form of repetitive questions. “Are you sure this won’t make me sick? Are you sure this is safe? Are you sure no one can break in?” Over and over and over again.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

OCD in school

Here are the kinds of behaviors teachers might see in kids with OCD: 

- Frequent requests to go to the bathroom: This could be to wash hands, if someone near the child was coughing or sneezing, or if they touched something that they perceive as contaminated. They could also be washing items—pens, pencils, backpacks, books.
- Constant reassurance-seeking: This takes the form of repetitive questions. “Are you sure that’s the answer? Could you tell me again?”
- Getting stuck on tasks: Sometimes kids with OCD need to finish something before they’re able to move on. So if a child is working out what they did wrong on a math test, and the teacher says, “Now let’s open the textbook and start a new chapter,” they’re not going to be able to shift gears.
- Retracing: If a child leaves the classroom and worries that they left a pencil behind, they’ll go back into the classroom and go to their desk and check. If they had a bad thought as they went through the doorway, they might have to “fix it” by going back through the doorway again saying a good word.
- Obsessive erasing: A child could be erasing a lot because the letters have to look perfect. Or they could have used a word that disturbs them. For example, if they have a fear of vomiting and they’ve written the word vomit, they might not be able to stand seeing that word, so they erase it. Kids start having erasers worn down to the metal. Teachers start to see holes in the paper.
- Distraction: If a child is busy thinking that if they don’t turn the pen cap and count to four the right way then their mom is going to get sick, they’re not going to be paying attention in class.
- Slowness on exams and papers and tasks: Sometimes when kids take a long time they’re struggling with the perfectionism of needing to do things the right way. This could look like learning problems, or inattention, but it isn’t.
- Avoidance: Teachers might see a child who doesn’t want to sit on the floor, or pick things up that touched the floor, or get their hands dirty in art class. Kids with germ fears may avoid a lot of playground activities—it’s gross.
- Tapping and touching symmetrically: If a child sits down at their desk and they accidentally kicks the chair of the kid next to them with her right foot, they’re going to have to then kick it with their left foot. That might look like somebody who’s beingoppositional, or somebody who’s got too much energy, but actually it’s OCD.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does OCD look like?

OCD looks like overwhelming fears or thoughts and repeated actions or rituals that relieve anxiety. For instance, a child might worry constantly that things around them are dirty and will make them sick, so they wash their hands repeatedly as a way of dealing with that anxiety.

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-what-does-ocd-look-like-in-kids/

The most common symptoms and behaviors of children with obsessive-compulsive disorder

What You'll Learn

- Why do children with OCD feel compelled to perform repetitive actions like hand washing, counting or lining things up a certain way?t?

- What are the most common fears or thoughts that plague children with OCD?

- What are the behaviors of children with OCD that a teacher might see in a school setting?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Kinds of Obsessions

- Kinds of Compulsions

- OCD in school

Children who have OCD have unwanted fears or thoughts that are upsetting, and they use certain actions or rituals to make them stop. The fears or worries are called  called obsessions, and the actions they perform are called compulsions.

The most common kind of obsession among kids is worries that things around them are dirty and will make them sick. They wash their hands repeatedly to make the worry go away, but it returns, forcing them to wash their hands again. Another common worry is that something bad will happen to a parent, and the child touches something a certain number of times or in a certain order to prevent that from happening. Other worries children with OCD may have include the fear of offending God or breaking a religious rule, or the fear that they will do something violent or bad. These fears tend to get worse over time, and a child may be so overwhelmed by them that they are unable to do things like go to school or eat around other people.

The kinds of actions or rituals kids use to control their fears also include extreme cleaning, checking things like locks to make sure they are secure, or homework to make sure it’s correct. They often count things or line things up a specific way, or ask repeatedly for reassurance from parents.

OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) is an anxiety disorder that kids can develop as early as 6 to 9 years old. 

Children who haveOCD have upsetting fears or thoughts that they are overwhelmed by, and they feel driven to repeat certain actions or rituals to make them stop. Unwanted thoughts are called obsessions, and the rituals they perform are called compulsions.

For instance, a child might be plagued by worries that things around them are dirty and will make them sick, so they feel driven to wash their hands repeatedly, sometimes until their skin is raw and bleeding.

Or a child may be tortured by worries that a parent will be hurt in a car accident and feel driven to touch something a certain number of times to prevent that from happening.

Rituals make the anxiety go away temporarily, but it comes back. OCD usually gets worse until a child is performing so many rituals it makes it very difficult for them to function. Children sometimes hide their symptoms while they are in school and then explode when they get home, from the stress of suppressing them all day.

Kinds of Obsessions

Some of the most common things kids with OCD worry about are:

- Contamination: Kids with this obsession are sometimes called “germophobes.” These are the kids who worry about other people sneezing and coughing, touching things that might be dirty, checking expiration dates or getting sick.

- Magical thinking: This is a kind of superstition, like “step on a crack, break your mother’s back.” For example, kids might worry that their thoughts can cause someone to get hurt or get sick. A child might think, “Unless my things are lined up in a certain way, mom will get in a car accident.”

- Scrupulosity: This is when kids have obsessive worries about offending God or breaking religious rules.

- Aggression: Kids may be plagued by a lot of different kinds of thoughts about bad things they could do. “What if I hurt someone? What if I stab someone? What if I kill someone?”

- Catastrophizing: Some kids easily jump to the conclusion that something terrible has happened. For example, if her parents are five minutes late to picking her up, a girl who is catastrophizing might tell herself that they’ve decided to abandon her.

- The “just right” feeling: Some kids feel they need to keep doing something until they get the “right feeling,” though they may not know why it feels right. So, they might think: “I’ll line these things up until it just kind of feels right, and then I’ll stop.” And then over time—in the 9-12 range—it evolves into magical thinking and becomes more superstitious in nature.

Kinds of Compulsions

Compulsions can be things that kids actively do — like line up objects or wash hands — or things done mentally, like counting in their head. A compulsion could also be an avoidance of something, like a child who avoids touching knives, even flimsy plastic ones, because she’s afraid of hurting someone.

Kinds of OCD compulsions include:

- Cleaning: Excessive or ritualized washing and cleaning

- Checking: This includes checking locks, checking to make sure a mistake wasn’t made and checking to make sure things are safe

- Repeating: Rereading, rewriting and repeating actions like going in and out of a doorway

- Counting:  Counting can include objects, numbers and words

- Arranging: Ordering things so that they are symmetrical, even or lined up in a specific pattern

- Saving: This includes hoarding and difficulty throwing things away

- Superstitious behaviors: This includes touching things to prevent something bad from happening or avoiding certain things

- Reassurance-seeking. This takes the form of repetitive questions. “Are you sure this won’t make me sick? Are you sure this is safe? Are you sure no one can break in?” Over and over and over again.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

OCD in school

Here are the kinds of behaviors teachers might see in kids with OCD: 

- Frequent requests to go to the bathroom: This could be to wash hands, if someone near the child was coughing or sneezing, or if they touched something that they perceive as contaminated. They could also be washing items—pens, pencils, backpacks, books.

- Constant reassurance-seeking: This takes the form of repetitive questions. “Are you sure that’s the answer? Could you tell me again?”

- Getting stuck on tasks: Sometimes kids with OCD need to finish something before they’re able to move on. So if a child is working out what they did wrong on a math test, and the teacher says, “Now let’s open the textbook and start a new chapter,” they’re not going to be able to shift gears.

- Retracing: If a child leaves the classroom and worries that they left a pencil behind, they’ll go back into the classroom and go to their desk and check. If they had a bad thought as they went through the doorway, they might have to “fix it” by going back through the doorway again saying a good word.

- Obsessive erasing: A child could be erasing a lot because the letters have to look perfect. Or they could have used a word that disturbs them. For example, if they have a fear of vomiting and they’ve written the word vomit, they might not be able to stand seeing that word, so they erase it. Kids start having erasers worn down to the metal. Teachers start to see holes in the paper.

- Distraction: If a child is busy thinking that if they don’t turn the pen cap and count to four the right way then their mom is going to get sick, they’re not going to be paying attention in class.

- Slowness on exams and papers and tasks: Sometimes when kids take a long time they’re struggling with the perfectionism of needing to do things the right way. This could look like learning problems, or inattention, but it isn’t.

- Avoidance: Teachers might see a child who doesn’t want to sit on the floor, or pick things up that touched the floor, or get their hands dirty in art class. Kids with germ fears may avoid a lot of playground activities—it’s gross.

- Tapping and touching symmetrically: If a child sits down at their desk and they accidentally kicks the chair of the kid next to them with her right foot, they’re going to have to then kick it with their left foot. That might look like somebody who’s beingoppositional, or somebody who’s got too much energy, but actually it’s OCD.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does OCD look like?

OCD looks like overwhelming fears or thoughts and repeated actions or rituals that relieve anxiety. For instance, a child might worry constantly that things around them are dirty and will make them sick, so they wash their hands repeatedly as a way of dealing with that anxiety. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-what-does-ocd-look-like-in-kids/

And what parents can do about it

Writer: Rae Jacobson, MS

What You'll Learn

- Why do kids with ADHD have messy rooms?

- What are executive functioning skills?

- How can parents help kids with ADHD clean up their rooms?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- So what can parents do to help?

- Keep it simple

- Get creative

- Build routines

- Be patient

- It’s about more than a messy room

Kids with ADHD often have very messy rooms that result in losing things and lateness — Wait! I can’t find my soccer shoes! This frustrates parents, who can’t understand why these kids have so much trouble cleaning their room.

The problem is that children with ADHD struggle with executive functioning skills, which enable us to plan, prioritize, manage our time and get things done. It may seem simple to the rest of us, but they have trouble deciding what to do first, estimating how long things take, and staying focused. Sticking with a task that’s boring is especially hard for kids with ADHD.

Parents can help kids tackle the mess in their room by:

- Breaking “Clean your room!” down into smaller tasks

- Using a chart to list what needs to be done

- Building routines to clean at a regular time, not just when it gets overwhelming

For more details and suggestions, see the Full Article below.

Mess and ADHD go hand in hand, and with them comes chaos, lateness — Where is my coat?! — and frustration. Parents often find themselves at wit’s end, looking at their child and wondering: Why can’t you just clean your room??

The short answer?

Because for kids with ADHD, it’s not quite that simple. People with ADHD have a difficult time with many of the executive functioning skills most of us unconsciously use every day. These invisible skills are what enable us to plan, prioritize, manage our time, and get things done.

A person without ADHD might look at a messy room and think, “Okay. I’ve got an hour to get things done. First, make the bed, then pick up the laundry, then…”  But for a child with ADHD, that breakdown of what to do, when to do it, and how long it will take, isn’t automatic. Understanding how executive functioning issues affect kids with ADHD can help parents know what a child’s trouble spots are and how to help. Common issues include:

Prioritizing tasks: Deciding what needs to get done and in what order. For example, a child with ADHD might not understand that putting dirty laundry in the hamper takes priority over organizing all of their books by color.

Managing time: Figuring out how long smaller tasks will take, and how much time they’ll need to complete the whole job. For example, a child who has two hours to get their room cleaned up before friends come for a sleepover spends so much time on one small job, like clearing off their desk, they don’t have time to do the rest.

Staying focused: Getting off track or distracted. For example, they get caught up in reading a book instead of putting it back on the shelf.

Task initiation: Difficulty getting started, especially when the task at hand seems overwhelming, complicated, or boring (like, say, cleaning up a messy room). 

Transitions: Trouble shifting from one task to the next. For example, they might get stalled instead of moving from one cleaning job, like making the bed, to another, like putting their shoes away.

Self-regulation and impulse control: Sticking with a task, especially a boring one, is challenging for anyone. But for kids with ADHD who often lack the skills to regulate their behavior and control impulses it can feel impossible. This can look like frustration, giving up, or getting off track— I was cleaning up, I just decided to take a quick video game break!  And often ends in a rushed, messy job, like just shoving all their clutter under the bed, or just failing to finish at all.

So what can parents do to help?

Break it down: Instead of issuing a blanket order to “clean your room,” it helps to break the job into more manageable tasks. For example, let’s say your child needs to make the bed, put their laundry in the hamper, and bring dirty dishes to the kitchen sink. You could say, “Start by making your bed.” Then, when that’s done, you move on to the next task: “Ok, now pick up the laundry.” And so on. Doing one thing at a time can help kids feel less overwhelmed and make it easier for them to get a sense of how much time each task will take.

Avoid multi-step directions: Try not to give strings of directions or commands — “Pick up your socks, then do the bed, then hang up the clothes…”  Keep instructions clear and short, “Start by making your bed.” Then when one task is done, you can move on to the next, “Great job. Okay, now put the shoes away.”

Use a chart: If you don’t (and let’s be real, who does) have time to stage-manage your child as they clean, try making a task chart together. Write each job on a white board or piece of paper, and leave space for your child to check it off when they’re done. If having some incentive helps your child stay motivated you could offer a reward for finishing all the tasks on the list, like extra gaming time or a special treat for dessert.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

Keep it simple

Make your child’s room as easy to clean, and keep clean, as possible.

- Declutter. Clutter is the enemy of clean. Get rid of old papers. Put papers or pictures you’d like to save into scrap books instead of piles. Donate old toys, books, clothes, and anything else your child no longer uses. Putting a to-be-donated box in the house can help encourage kids to participate, and be a good way to teach them about giving back.

- Make putting things away as easy by possible creating extra space. Store seasonal items, like winter coats and boots away when they’re not being used. Try to make sure kids’ closets and dressers are uncrowded and easy to use.

- When it comes to storage focus on finding solutions that fit your child’s needs. For example, younger kids will be more likely to put things away if storage is easy to reach and use, like low-down cubes with sliding baskets for putting toys away.

Get creative

Kids with ADHD often benefit from nontraditional solutions.  Remember, what does work is more important than what should work. For example, if your child has a hard time putting clothes in a dresser, get easy-to-use bins instead. One for clean clothes, one for will-wear-again items, and one for dirty laundry. Because…you guessed it. The easier a system is to use, the more likely your child will be to use it.

Build routines

Kids with ADHD benefit from clear routines and repetition. Knowing what’s expected of them, and having a clear understanding of how to meet those expectations, helps kids build confidence and executive functioning skills. Establishing routines can help kids get into a groove and become more independent when it comes to tidying up. For example, making their bed every day, or putting their shoes in the same place every time they come home.

For bigger jobs, stick to a schedule. For example, you could agree that your child will clean their room every Tuesday and Friday after school, instead of randomly suggesting they clean up when things get too messy. When kids know what to expect, and when they’re expected to do it, they feel more prepared and less overwhelmed. If your child benefits from ADHD medication when it’s time to clean, try to choose times when their meds will be working, for example weekend mornings, instead of weekday nights.

Be patient

Finally, and this is easier said than done, remember to be patient with your child as they learn these new skills. Building habits takes time, and children with ADHD are starting from a deficit. If your child was learning a second language, you wouldn’t expect them to be fluent overnight.

When your child does clean up offer positive, specific feedback, for example, “Thanks for putting your clothes away — that was a big help.” And let your child know that it’s okay not to be perfect right away. You’ll get there together.

It’s about more than a messy room

The benefits of helping your child learn the skills they need to get organized go far beyond a (finally) clean room. The messiness and disorganization that comes with ADHD can have a big impact on children’s self-esteem. Kids may feel embarrassed or ashamed by their struggles, and these negative feelings are often confirmed by outsiders — a friend who points out how messy they are, a fed-up teacher asking them why they don’t have their homework assignment again.

The cost of being messy can be even higher for girls, who are less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD, but more likely to be subjected to negative social feedback for being disorganized, or looking less-than put together.

Focusing on building your child’s executive functioning skills – and supporting their self-esteem – will help them feel more competent and confident both now and as they grow up. Not to mention that, hopefully, they’ll be doing that growing in a nice, clean room.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does my child with ADHD have such a messy room?

How can parents help kids with ADHD clean their room?

Parents can help kids with ADHD clean their rooms by breaking it down into smaller tasks. Use a chart to list what needs to be done and build routines to clean regularly, not just when it gets overwhelming.

How can parents help kids with ADHD keep their rooms clean? https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=15765

James Donaldson on Mental Health - I'm afraid my 15-year-old daughter is a hoarder because she hides food around her room. What do you think?

Writer: Jerry Bubrick, PhD

Clinical Expert: Jerry Bubrick, PhD

Question

I fear that my 15 year old daughter is a hoarder especially about food. She hides food under her bed and in her closet and in drawers but says she doesn't remember eating it and it wasn't her food. She has ADHD and takes medication for that but I find that all over the house too. Her room is very messy and she is completely disorganized and gets bad grades because she never turns in her homework. I have taken her for therapy but the doctors never seemed to get to the subject of hoarding. Do you think this is hoarding?

Answer

Hoarding is a disorder that interferes a lot with a child’s daily life. Kids who hoard have a lot of clutter in their bedrooms, and it’s different from the kind of clutter that kids accumulate when they’re just being messy and disorganized. Kids who hoard tend to keep a lot of stuff in their drawers, making it hard to use them for just storing clothes, or keep a lot of things on their desk, making it hard to do homework. It would probably be difficult to maneuver around her room because there would be a lot of stuff on her floor. And, most likely, there would be a lot of different kinds of things that she would be saving — not just food.

Without having seen your daughter I can’t say for sure, but the fact that you particularly mention food makes me think that she might not be hoarding, or if she is then she is doing an unusual form of it. I can actually think of some other possibilities that might be more likely explanations of your daughter’s behavior.

Sometimes people who have eating disorders will hoard food. So that’s one possibility. Whether or not she has an eating disorder, she could also be hoarding food as a coping mechanism to help her deal with stress. In other words, she could be engaging in emotional eating.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

You mention that your daughter is disorganized, homework is hard for her, and she’s getting bad grades. This is something that could be causing considerable stress for your daughter, and possibly even triggering depression. She could be using food as a way of coping with the negative emotions that she’s feeling. And she might not be bringing it up in therapy because she isn’t ready to give up this coping skill that she feels is helping her deal with her emotions.

You should get your daughter evaluated to find out if she is depressed or if she has some other issue that she’s dealing with. If it turns out that she is depressed, then as part of her treatment she should be learning better skills to help her handle her emotions so that she doesn’t need to rely on food anymore.

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-im-afraid-my-15-year-old-daughter-is-a-hoarder-because-she-hides-food-around-her-room-what-do-you-think/

Writer: Jerry Bubrick, PhD

Clinical Expert: Jerry Bubrick, PhD

Question

I fear that my 15 year old daughter is a hoarder especially about food. She hides food under her bed and in her closet and in drawers but says she doesn't remember eating it and it wasn't her food. She has ADHD and takes medication for that but I find that all over the house too. Her room is very messy and she is completely disorganized and gets bad grades because she never turns in her homework. I have taken her for therapy but the doctors never seemed to get to the subject of hoarding. Do you think this is hoarding?

Answer

Hoarding is a disorder that interferes a lot with a child’s daily life. Kids who hoard have a lot of clutter in their bedrooms, and it’s different from the kind of clutter that kids accumulate when they’re just being messy and disorganized. Kids who hoard tend to keep a lot of stuff in their drawers, making it hard to use them for just storing clothes, or keep a lot of things on their desk, making it hard to do homework. It would probably be difficult to maneuver around her room because there would be a lot of stuff on her floor. And, most likely, there would be a lot of different kinds of things that she would be saving — not just food.

Without having seen your daughter I can’t say for sure, but the fact that you particularly mention food makes me think that she might not be hoarding, or if she is then she is doing an unusual form of it. I can actually think of some other possibilities that might be more likely explanations of your daughter’s behavior.

Sometimes people who have eating disorders will hoard food. So that’s one possibility. Whether or not she has an eating disorder, she could also be hoarding food as a coping mechanism to help her deal with stress. In other words, she could be engaging in emotional eating.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

Click Here For More Information About James Donaldson

You mention that your daughter is disorganized, homework is hard for her, and she’s getting bad grades. This is something that could be causing considerable stress for your daughter, and possibly even triggering depression. She could be using food as a way of coping with the negative emotions that she’s feeling. And she might not be bringing it up in therapy because she isn’t ready to give up this coping skill that she feels is helping her deal with her emotions.

You should get your daughter evaluated to find out if she is depressed or if she has some other issue that she’s dealing with. If it turns out that she is depressed, then as part of her treatment she should be learning better skills to help her handle her emotions so that she doesn’t need to rely on food anymore. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-im-afraid-my-15-year-old-daughter-is-a-hoarder-because-she-hides-food-around-her-room-what-do-you-think/