This time of year, regrets can hang over families who have lost loved ones.

By Terry Pluto, cleveland.com

CLEVELAND, Ohio – This email came in from Jacob (not his real name):

“I’ve been thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made and all the trouble they have caused. I have also been thinking about my son, who died by #suicide several years ago.

“Was there something I could have said or done that would have stopped the #suicide? I tell myself that we do the best we can every day. Often the choices we make come from flawed thinking patterns which lead to trouble. I did the best I could raising my son. He was always troubled. Life just became too hard for him. He pushed everyone who loved him away. I will always love him and miss him.”

Pastor #RickWarren is famous for his Purpose Driven Life bestseller. Warren’s son died by #suicide in 2013.

“If any other organ of your body breaks down, there’s no #stigma,” Warren said in a sermon after his son’s death. “But if your brain doesn’t work, why are you ashamed of that?”

Matthew Warren died at the age of 27.

“Only those closest knew that he struggled from birth with #mentalillness, dark holes of #depression, and even suicidal thoughts,” Warren wrote in a message to his Saddleback Church congregation. “In spite of America’s best #doctors, meds, counselors and prayers for healing, the torture of #mentalillness never subsided.”

Hall of Fame football coach #TonyDungy lost his son to #suicide three days before Christmas in 2006. Jamie Dungy was 18.

Jamie Dungy died from hanging. Matthew Warren from a gunshot.

Warren explained on #socialmedia: “After a fun evening together with Kay and me, in a momentary wave of despair at his home, he took his life.”

In a 2019 interview with Focus on the Family, Dungy said: “There’s nothing you can do on earth after it’s happened, other than take care of your other family members and focus on nurturing them...You have to say, ‘How can I keep those relationships with my kids, keep the lines of communication open? How can I help them see the worth and the value that they have?’”

Dungy and his family have 10 #children; eight of them are adopted.

Warren and his wife Kay have spoken to many people who have lost loved ones to #suicide. The same also is true of Dungy.

NBC analyst and ex-#NFL head coach #TonyDungy lost his son to #suicide three days before Christmas in 2006. (AP Photo/Ron Schwane, File)

#JamesDonaldson notes:

Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.

Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.

Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle

WHY TALK ABOUT THIS NOW?

Most of us either know someone who died by #suicide, or know a person who had someone close to them die in that manner. Entire books have been written on this subject, so I understand this is a surface discussion. Nonetheless, the subject is often hidden behind a wall of silence in many families.

“It’s a trauma, especially this time of year,” said Bishop Joey Johnson of Akron’s House of the Lord. “The holidays are especially painful. In some ways, it’s like reliving it over again because we miss that person.”

I called Johnson because since 2002, he’s been a certified Grief Recovery Specialist from the Grief Recovery Institute. He also has written a book called “Grief: A Biblical Pathway to God.”

“So many people blame themselves,” said Johnson. “They say, ‘If I had just been there...’ You can’t stay with a person 24/7.”

He mentioned how years ago he counseled a couple whose son died of #suicide. The wife said to her husband, “If you had just been nice and more #patient, this never would have happened.”

Johnson sighed.

“You point a finger like that at someone else because of the guilt you feel,” he said. “Or it’s God’s fault. Someone has to be blamed. It often breaks apart families.”

Suicides happen in all kinds of families. All races. All economic classes. From famous people such as #RickWarren and #TonyDungy to people whose names only a few of us know.

“You are looking at an emotional, irrational act of an emotionally troubled person – and trying to find a rational reason for it,” said Johnson. “Mental illness can’t be viewed that way.”

Bishop Joey Johnson said blaming follows after someone close to us dies from #suicide, and it tears families apart. Photo from Bishop Joey Johnson.

WHOSE FAULT IS IT?

Many people reading this right now need to hear these words: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

It’s not your fault the person died from #suicide. You need to hear that over and over.

Johnson said we sometimes dwell on the events of the death and looking for explanation: “We are bargaining to try and get back what has been lost.”

It doesn’t work.

Anger is another emotion.

“We lost someone, so someone has to be blamed,” said Johnson. “But the fact is, nobody could have prevented what happened.”

Sometimes, we are angry at the person who died from #suicide because of the grief and loss we feel.

DRAW CLOSER, DON’T ISOLATE

Johnson has taught grief recovery for years. He believes many people blame themselves for the loss of a loved one, and that they need to grow closer to God during this time – not farther away.

Psalm 34:18: “God is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Some people think God is “punishing them” because of the #suicide. It’s not true. But drawing closer to God, ask forgiveness for whatever is haunting you.

“God has forgiven us, but sometimes we don’t believe it and can’t forgive ourselves,” said Johnson. “That all can come up this time of year.”

Johnson mentioned the word “bereavement” means “robbed by death.” That’s how we feel this time of year. We were robbed.

It’s why grief recovery groups and counseling can help. Don’t isolate. Many places in the area offer free grief recovery. Check the internet.

If a friend is going through this, just listen. Grief Recovery calls it “being a heart with ears.” That’s a good assignment for many of us who want to help.

Photo by Tess Emily Seymour on Pexels.com
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