What #parents can do when #kids struggle with social skills

Clinical Expert: Jamie Howard,

What You'll Learn

- Why is it hard for some #kids to make friends?
- Can #parents help #kids make friends?
- What are social skills and social scripts?

- Quick Read
- Full Article
- Building social skills
- Practice during playdates
- Helping shy #kids
- Every #child is different

Friendships are important to #children. If your #kid is having a hard time fitting in, there are ways you can help your #child make friends.

Social skills don’t come naturally to all #kids, especially those with #ADHD. Impulsive and hyperactive #children often act in ways that make it hard to have friends. They can have trouble taking turns and controlling their anger when they don’t get their way. Inattentive #kids may act flighty or not know how to join in.

You can help #kids make friends by coaching them at home. Talk about taking turns and sharing. Try using role-playing to practice different ways to handle disagreements. You can also demonstrate good #behavior when you talk to family and your own friends.

If your #child needs more help, you can try “social scripts.” These are everyday conversations that your #child can practice with you. They are especially helpful for #children on the #autism spectrum. Practicing will help them learn things like making eye contact and responding to other people’s moods. Your child’s #doctor or #behavioral #therapist can help you select scripts and give you advice on how to rehearse them.

You can also set up playdates to help your #kid make friends. Before the other #child comes over, talk about what to do. Have your #child pick out a few games and go over how to tell whether their guest is having fun.

If your #child is shy, you can give them the chance to meet #kids in a way that’s comfortable for them. This could be playdates at your house or through a club or activity.

And remember, #kids need just one or two good friends. They don’t need to be the most popular #kid in their class.

Every #parent knows schoolyard friendships are important. Friends enrich our lives, boost our #self-esteem, and provide the moral support we need when we’re memorizing multiplication tables. Developmentally speaking, making a friend in #school is every bit as important as getting an A. Learning how to form successful peer relationships is a critical skill for #kids, and one that they will be using—and refining—all their lives.

But some #kids have a harder time fitting in. Cornerstones of #childhood interaction, like sharing a toy or engaging in make-believe, might elude them. While #parents can’t make friends for their #children, they can help them develop and practice key social skills. If you see your #child struggling to make friends or getting rejected by other #kids, here are some steps you can take to help.

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Building social skills

Social skills don’t come naturally to all #kids. Impulsive and hyperactive #children often act in ways that stymie their strong desire for friendship, notes Mary Rooney, PhD, a #psychologist who specializes in #ADHD and disruptive #behaviordisorders. They often have trouble taking turns and controlling their anger when they don’t get their way. More inattentive #kids may act flighty or hover at the margins of playgroups, unsure of how to assert themselves.

If you notice that your #child is struggling to interact with their peers, try some coaching at home. Emphasize taking turns and sharing during family playtime and explain that friends expect the same good #behavior. Impulsive #children will also benefit from practicing different strategies for settling peer conflict. Role playing can be very helpful here. Of course, as a #parent you should also be careful to model good social #behavior yourself when talking to family members and your own friends.

For #kids who need more intensive guidance, experts suggest using “social scripts,” or simple everyday conversations that #kids can practice with their #parents. You can work with your child’s doctor or #behavioraltherapist to select appropriate scripts and develop a strategy for rehearsing and implementing them. Social scripts are especially helpful for #children on the autism spectrum who need to deliberately learn key social skills, such as establishing eye contact and responding to the moods of others.

Finally, if your #child has been having a hard time making friends, Dr. Rooney suggests setting up a meeting with their #teacher. “Often #kids will say ‘everyone hates me,’ but they may not be able to describe what’s going on.” #Teachers can give a better sense of your child’s peer interactions and suggest more positive classmates for after-#school playdates.

Practice during playdates

Supervised playdates are a great way for #children to build their social muscles. Dr. Rooney suggests that #parents spend some time before playdates reviewing social cues with their #children. Some activities for playdate-prep include:

- Talk with your #child about what it means to be a good host. What will your #child do to make their guests feel comfortable?
- Have your #child pick out a few games in advance. How will your #child know when it’s time to move on to the next game?
- Ask your #child how they’ll know if guests are having a good time. Are they smiling? Laughing?

As long as the #children don’t veer into play that’s outright dangerous, let the playdate unfold as it may, recommends Jamie Howard, PhD, a clinical #psychologist at the #ChildMindInstitute. #Children learn from the natural consequences of their actions, which is why it’s so important to let them practice socializing in a warm, supportive setting.

And when you review how it went, focus on the good behaviors you want to reinforce. “#Kids are more motivated by praise than by avoiding criticism,” says Dr. Howard. “Specific, labeled praise is most helpful. Instead of ‘good job,’ say, ‘you shared very well with your friend.’”

Helping shy #kids

Some #kids are natural social butterflies while others need more time to warm up to new situations. Don’t worry if your #child is a little more hesitant in social situations. Expecting every #child to jump in and be the leader of the group isn’t realistic, so avoid pushing too hard. However, parents shouldn’t make the mistake of keeping more tentative #kids at home, either. Rachel Busman, PsyD, a #psychologist who works with anxious #kids, explains, “There’s a difference between accommodating and enabling. For shyer #kids we want to give them opportunities to meet new #kids, but we want to help bridge the transition so they aren’t too uncomfortable.”

Dr. Busman suggests planning playdates at your house first, where your #child will be most at ease. Clubs or other activities are also a good way to make friends because they provide built-in structure that helps minimize #anxiety. If your #child is reluctant to try something new, suggest inviting a friend they’re already comfortable with to join in. As with any social skill, #parents can help shy kids rehearse ahead of time for a situation that makes them nervous, like going to a birthday party or meeting a new group of people.

Every #child is different

Dr. Busman notes there is also a difference between #children who are shy and #children who are simply more introverted and prefer spending their down time reading or drawing by themselves. “Different #children in the same family can have different social limits and degrees of comfort. A #child who prefers quiet time or being in small groups isn’t necessarily avoiding other #kids.” But it’s essential that more introverted #children still get opportunities to make friends. Dr. Busman recommends knowing how much your #child can handle and setting expectations accordingly. It’s enough for some #kids to find just one thing they like to do once a week.

Finally, it’s important that #parents not place too many of their own social expectations on #children. Dr. Rooney advises keeping things in perspective. “#Kids need just one or two good friends. You don’t have to worry about them being the most popular #kid in their class.”
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