Helping youngsters develop skills — and a sense of self

Photo by samer daboul on Pexels.com

Writer: Alexandra Levine and Laura Philips

What You'll Learn

- How can young children learn to do things on their own?

- How can you keep your child safe and let them learn at the same time?

- What can parents say to help kids build their self-confidence?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Set predictable routines

- Let your child choose

- Let your child help

- Give your child chores

- Let your child solve problems

- Encourage projects

- Nurture free play

- What to say while they work and play

Young children love to do things for themselves — even when it makes life harder for their parents. Here are some tips to help your preschooler build independence, while keeping your own frustration to a minimum.

Learning to follow routines is one way for little kids to become more independent. Like coming home from school: jacket off, then shoes, hang up backpack, wash hands. Let kids start to do parts of the routine by themselves, like unzipping their coat. Eventually, they’ll be able to do the whole routine alone.

It might be faster in the moment for you to take your child’s shoes off, but give them time to figure it out and they’ll soon do it themselves. When you step back, kids learn how to power through frustration. Assigning chores is another great way to build kids’ independence. Start with something simple, like putting clothes in the laundry bin.

Another way to build confidence is by giving your child choices. For example, if your child wants to cross the street by themselves, you might give them a choice instead: “Do you want to hold my hand or be carried?”

Playtime is another chance for kids to take the lead. Projects, like puzzles or crafts, are a great way for kids to learn to focus on one thing for a long time. Free play is also a chance for kids to learn creativity and problem solving. Give your child some crayons or blocks and let them come up with their own activity.

Let your child know you see them learning and growing too! Play along by doing what they’re doing, or describe what they’re up to so they know you’re watching. And cheer them on when they do things by themselves.

From birth, children are on a quest for independence. We see this as babies try to spoon-feed themselves or insist on taking off their own diapers, as toddlers demand to dress themselves or turn the faucet on at the sink.

Opportunities to develop independence are immensely important for building a sense of self and self-esteem — not to mention frustration tolerance and perseverance!

Still, as a parent or caregiver it’s hard not to groan at the thought of our preschoolers racing for the step stool, climbing up, and then trying to pour themselves a glass of milk. Letting children carry out tasks often means that the task will take twice as long — and be three times as messy. And it can be hard to watch your child try, fail, and feel frustrated or disappointed.

But simple tasks at home are great opportunities for parents to nurture budding independence — and eventually get some more space for themselves. Here are some simple ways to do just that.

Set predictable routines

It may seem surprising, but establishing a consistent routine is important for nurturing independence. Just like adults, when children can anticipate their day, they are better equipped to take on responsibilities. Not to be confused with a schedule (though the two might overlap), a routine is any sequence of events that occurs throughout the day. Even the act of brushing teeth is a routine, because it has multiple steps that always go in the same order: turn on the water, rinse the toothbrush, put on toothpaste, brush, rinse, dry hands and mouth. Likewise, going outside involves putting on coat and shoes, maybe packing a snack or remembering a favorite toy or doll.

As children experience these routines over and over, they learn to anticipate what comes next, and they start to take on more responsibility with less help. If you let your child do some of the prep work, such as putting the toothpaste on their toothbrush, or finding their coat and shoes, they will increasingly take on more of these steps on their own. And you are communicating to them that you have faith in their ability to do these steps without you, but also that you are there to help if they need it.

Let your child choose

Another way to support your child’s independence is to give them choices. Involve them in deciding what to wear, what to play, or who to call. This does not have to mean they have free rein. Provide two or three options, and then praise their great ability to make a choice! Providing choices is especially valuable when your preschooler insists on doing something their way. For example, they might want to cross the street by themselves, which might be something you can’t let them do. By offering a choice — to hold your hand or to be carried — they can feel empowered even while you keep them safe.

Let your child help

Children love to help! In addition to building independence, this is a great tool for calming tantrums or redirecting behavior by giving them a sense of control. When you allow your child to help, you foster their confidence and give them an opportunity to learn something new. While this may involve adding an extra step or two, it is also a great way to involve your child in daily routines and activities.

For example, when making scrambled eggs, an adult might pour the milk directly into the bowl and dispose of the shells directly in the garbage. As an alternative, consider pouring milk into a small cup or pitcher and asking your child to pour it into the bowl. Likewise, collect the eggshells in a small bowl and ask your child to help dump them in the garbage.

Again, you are communicating to your child that you trust them to take on these tasks, and these moments also provide an opportunity for back-and-forth conversation about an activity with a shared goal. Plus, kids are more likely to get excited about, and then eat(!), food that they helped prepare. So having your child snap off the ends of string beans may be another way to sneak more greens into their diet.

Give your child chores

Even preschoolers can start to have chores. These, of course, will look different than those older children, but they are important steppingstones for building up to larger tasks. A lot of research supports chores for children as a way of building a sense of responsibility and self-reliance, developing executive functions, teaching teamwork and nurturing empathy.

Simple tasks like picking up toys or putting laundry in the basket allow your child to have reasonable responsibility and help with maintaining structure throughout the day. In fact, these chores can be embedded into your daily routines. For example, part of your child’s mealtime routine can include bringing their plate to the sink or even helping load the dishwasher (keep the knives for yourself!).

Let your child solve problems

Be sure to allow your child to try things that are hard and to solve (small) problems on their own. Many times, we project our stress or frustration onto children when, in fact, they are happy problem-solvers. When children are first learning to crawl or walk, we must let them fall. Similarly, when children are learning to put on their shoes, we must allow them to put them on the wrong feet. Wait until your child asks for help or provide a small hint to get them to the next step.

Presenting your child with tasks that are a little bit challenging, but still within the realm of what they can do with some support, helps them learn to deal with frustration, solve problems, and stick out challenging situations. You can acknowledge that something is hard and let your child know that you are proud by offering praise for trying new or difficult things. However, be sure to praise the effort rather than the outcome or skill: “I’m so proud of you for sticking with that even when it got hard,” rather than, “You’re so good at tying your shoes!”

Encourage projects

Projects, which can include anything from coloring to building to puzzles to crafts, provide opportunities for children to focus their attention on a contained activity for a period of time. Commenting on and complimenting your child’s work gives them a sense of accomplishment and self-esteem, and praising your child’s effort helps with the development of grit. When you encourage your child to keep trying to string beads into a necklace, you are communicating to them that you believe in their ability to do something, which translates into confidence and, after they have been successful, accomplishment and pride.

Nurture free play

Independent and unstructured play is very important for fostering creativity, problem-solving, and autonomy. However, most preschool children will still need (and want!) some engagement from parents during unstructured play time.

Offer your preschooler a variety of art materials (crayons, markers, chalk, finger paints), building materials (blocks, MagnaTiles, Legos) or imaginary play props and let them construct their own craft or play. You can also include materials that are not toys at all. Repurposed materials and recyclables, such as paper towel rolls, coffee canisters, and cereal boxes can be used in endless ways. A paper towel roll can be a telescope, a tube, a car, a plane, a magic wand. A cereal box can be a barn for animals, a building block, or a steppingstone.

Observe your child and notice what they’re drawn to. One child may be interested in stacking and construction, while another wants to play pretend. Use these observations to guide and extend their play. If they seem stuck or confused, you can model a solution or comment on their actions, and then encourage them to try again on their own.

As you watch, try not to intervene. You might comment on what they are doing and praise their efforts, but do not do the work for them. For example, if they are stacking cannisters, you might comment, “Wow. I see you are stacking cans. You are making a tall tower.” As your child plays more, you can play less. You can make suggestions or model how to use materials in different ways, or even introduce some new materials. This will help to extend play and, over time, your child will be able to play on their own for longer.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth

If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub

What to say while they work and play

In addition to setting up opportunities for your child to build independence, it’s important for you to let them know that you see them — their efforts, their persistence, their bravery, their growth. By offering verbal feedback, you are giving positive attention to the qualities that you want to foster in your child and making it more likely these behaviors will happen again.

What we call the “P-R-I-D-E” skills are strategies that have been shown to help increase positive behaviors in young children:

- PRAISE: Praise your child’s appropriate behavior. This helps increase the specific behavior that you are addressing and contributes to a warm interaction with your child. For example, “Great job lining up those blocks!” or, “I’m proud of you for sticking with that puzzle!”

- REFLECT: Reflect appropriate speech. This helps demonstrate to your child that you are listening and understanding. For example, your child says, “I made a tower.” And then you say, “You made a tower!”

- IMITATE appropriate behavior and play. This gives positive attention (the most powerful reward) to good behavior and promotes cooperation. For instance, when your child builds a tower, you begin to stack blocks too.

- DESCRIBE your child’s appropriate behavior. This reinforces your child’s positive play and draws their attention to it. You might say, “I see you drew a rainbow!” or, “We are building a tower together.”

- Be ENTHUSIASTIC! This makes your interactions feel warmer and keeps your child interested. For example, you can use a playful voice, exaggerate your emotions when you’re talking, and smile often.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some independence-building activities for preschoolers?

A good independence-building activity for preschoolers is teaching them to follow a routine. For example, coming home from school they can learn to take off their jacket and shoes, hang up their backpack, and wash their hands. Help them until they can do it alone .What helps build independence in preschoolers? How can you praise young kids for being independent?

Photo by samer daboul on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-how-to-build-independence-in-preschoolers/

By: Carole Tanzer Miller

- When a parent dies by suicide, an adult child's risk of self-harm and suicide rises at the same age

- The finding is from a new study out of Denmark

- Researchers say health care providers should ask patients about family suicide history and consider this risk

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth

If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub

MONDAY, Nov. 25, 2024 (HealthDay News) -- When people whose parents died by suicide reach that same age, their own risk often spikes, Danish researchers warn.

Reporting in the journal Suicide and Life-Threatening Behaviors, the researchers looked at data on more than 470,000 Danes whose parents died between 1980 and 2016. Of those, 17,806 individuals had parents who died by suicide.

The study looked at the risk of self-harm and suicide during the year before and after individuals reached the age of their deceased parent — typically about 24 years later.

Compared to the 15 years before or after, they were at roughly twice the risk of self-harm or suicide when they reached the corresponding age. Individuals whose parent died of other causes had no increased risk during the corresponding time.

"Our findings support the practice of asking suicide-bereaved individuals about age at parental suicide, identifying this as an anticipated period of increased risk," wrote a team led by Yanakan Logeswaran, of the University College of London. 

"This is also an opportunity to reinforce that suicide is not inevitable after the suicide of a parent, with an absolute risk … estimated at less than 1%," they added in a American Psychiatric Association news release.

More information

If you have suicidal thoughts, free, confidential help is available 24/7. Call or text to 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Or chat with a counselor online.

SOURCE: American Psychiatric Association, news release https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=13328

James Donaldson on Mental Health - How to Build Independence in Preschoolers

Helping youngsters develop skills — and a sense of self

Photo by samer daboul on Pexels.com

Writer: Alexandra Levine and Laura Philips

What You'll Learn

- How can young children learn to do things on their own?
- How can you keep your child safe and let them learn at the same time?
- What can parents say to help kids build their self-confidence?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- Set predictable routines
- Let your child choose
- Let your child help
- Give your child chores
- Let your child solve problems
- Encourage projects
- Nurture free play
- What to say while they work and play

Young children love to do things for themselves — even when it makes life harder for their parents. Here are some tips to help your preschooler build independence, while keeping your own frustration to a minimum.

Learning to follow routines is one way for little kids to become more independent. Like coming home from school: jacket off, then shoes, hang up backpack, wash hands. Let kids start to do parts of the routine by themselves, like unzipping their coat. Eventually, they’ll be able to do the whole routine alone.

It might be faster in the moment for you to take your child’s shoes off, but give them time to figure it out and they’ll soon do it themselves. When you step back, kids learn how to power through frustration. Assigning chores is another great way to build kids’ independence. Start with something simple, like putting clothes in the laundry bin.

Another way to build confidence is by giving your child choices. For example, if your child wants to cross the street by themselves, you might give them a choice instead: “Do you want to hold my hand or be carried?”

Playtime is another chance for kids to take the lead. Projects, like puzzles or crafts, are a great way for kids to learn to focus on one thing for a long time. Free play is also a chance for kids to learn creativity and problem solving. Give your child some crayons or blocks and let them come up with their own activity.

Let your child know you see them learning and growing too! Play along by doing what they’re doing, or describe what they’re up to so they know you’re watching. And cheer them on when they do things by themselves.

From birth, children are on a quest for independence. We see this as babies try to spoon-feed themselves or insist on taking off their own diapers, as toddlers demand to dress themselves or turn the faucet on at the sink.

Opportunities to develop independence are immensely important for building a sense of self and self-esteem — not to mention frustration tolerance and perseverance!

Still, as a parent or caregiver it’s hard not to groan at the thought of our preschoolers racing for the step stool, climbing up, and then trying to pour themselves a glass of milk. Letting children carry out tasks often means that the task will take twice as long — and be three times as messy. And it can be hard to watch your child try, fail, and feel frustrated or disappointed.

But simple tasks at home are great opportunities for parents to nurture budding independence — and eventually get some more space for themselves. Here are some simple ways to do just that.

Set predictable routines

It may seem surprising, but establishing a consistent routine is important for nurturing independence. Just like adults, when children can anticipate their day, they are better equipped to take on responsibilities. Not to be confused with a schedule (though the two might overlap), a routine is any sequence of events that occurs throughout the day. Even the act of brushing teeth is a routine, because it has multiple steps that always go in the same order: turn on the water, rinse the toothbrush, put on toothpaste, brush, rinse, dry hands and mouth. Likewise, going outside involves putting on coat and shoes, maybe packing a snack or remembering a favorite toy or doll.

As children experience these routines over and over, they learn to anticipate what comes next, and they start to take on more responsibility with less help. If you let your child do some of the prep work, such as putting the toothpaste on their toothbrush, or finding their coat and shoes, they will increasingly take on more of these steps on their own. And you are communicating to them that you have faith in their ability to do these steps without you, but also that you are there to help if they need it.

Let your child choose

Another way to support your child’s independence is to give them choices. Involve them in deciding what to wear, what to play, or who to call. This does not have to mean they have free rein. Provide two or three options, and then praise their great ability to make a choice! Providing choices is especially valuable when your preschooler insists on doing something their way. For example, they might want to cross the street by themselves, which might be something you can’t let them do. By offering a choice — to hold your hand or to be carried — they can feel empowered even while you keep them safe.

Let your child help

Children love to help! In addition to building independence, this is a great tool for calming tantrums or redirecting behavior by giving them a sense of control. When you allow your child to help, you foster their confidence and give them an opportunity to learn something new. While this may involve adding an extra step or two, it is also a great way to involve your child in daily routines and activities.

For example, when making scrambled eggs, an adult might pour the milk directly into the bowl and dispose of the shells directly in the garbage. As an alternative, consider pouring milk into a small cup or pitcher and asking your child to pour it into the bowl. Likewise, collect the eggshells in a small bowl and ask your child to help dump them in the garbage.

Again, you are communicating to your child that you trust them to take on these tasks, and these moments also provide an opportunity for back-and-forth conversation about an activity with a shared goal. Plus, kids are more likely to get excited about, and then eat(!), food that they helped prepare. So having your child snap off the ends of string beans may be another way to sneak more greens into their diet.

Give your child chores

Even preschoolers can start to have chores. These, of course, will look different than those older children, but they are important steppingstones for building up to larger tasks. A lot of research supports chores for children as a way of building a sense of responsibility and self-reliance, developing executive functions, teaching teamwork and nurturing empathy.

Simple tasks like picking up toys or putting laundry in the basket allow your child to have reasonable responsibility and help with maintaining structure throughout the day. In fact, these chores can be embedded into your daily routines. For example, part of your child’s mealtime routine can include bringing their plate to the sink or even helping load the dishwasher (keep the knives for yourself!).

Let your child solve problems

Be sure to allow your child to try things that are hard and to solve (small) problems on their own. Many times, we project our stress or frustration onto children when, in fact, they are happy problem-solvers. When children are first learning to crawl or walk, we must let them fall. Similarly, when children are learning to put on their shoes, we must allow them to put them on the wrong feet. Wait until your child asks for help or provide a small hint to get them to the next step.

Presenting your child with tasks that are a little bit challenging, but still within the realm of what they can do with some support, helps them learn to deal with frustration, solve problems, and stick out challenging situations. You can acknowledge that something is hard and let your child know that you are proud by offering praise for trying new or difficult things. However, be sure to praise the effort rather than the outcome or skill: “I’m so proud of you for sticking with that even when it got hard,” rather than, “You’re so good at tying your shoes!”

Encourage projects

Projects, which can include anything from coloring to building to puzzles to crafts, provide opportunities for children to focus their attention on a contained activity for a period of time. Commenting on and complimenting your child’s work gives them a sense of accomplishment and self-esteem, and praising your child’s effort helps with the development of grit. When you encourage your child to keep trying to string beads into a necklace, you are communicating to them that you believe in their ability to do something, which translates into confidence and, after they have been successful, accomplishment and pride.

Nurture free play

Independent and unstructured play is very important for fostering creativity, problem-solving, and autonomy. However, most preschool children will still need (and want!) some engagement from parents during unstructured play time.

Offer your preschooler a variety of art materials (crayons, markers, chalk, finger paints), building materials (blocks, MagnaTiles, Legos) or imaginary play props and let them construct their own craft or play. You can also include materials that are not toys at all. Repurposed materials and recyclables, such as paper towel rolls, coffee canisters, and cereal boxes can be used in endless ways. A paper towel roll can be a telescope, a tube, a car, a plane, a magic wand. A cereal box can be a barn for animals, a building block, or a steppingstone.

Observe your child and notice what they’re drawn to. One child may be interested in stacking and construction, while another wants to play pretend. Use these observations to guide and extend their play. If they seem stuck or confused, you can model a solution or comment on their actions, and then encourage them to try again on their own.

As you watch, try not to intervene. You might comment on what they are doing and praise their efforts, but do not do the work for them. For example, if they are stacking cannisters, you might comment, “Wow. I see you are stacking cans. You are making a tall tower.” As your child plays more, you can play less. You can make suggestions or model how to use materials in different ways, or even introduce some new materials. This will help to extend play and, over time, your child will be able to play on their own for longer.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Link for 40 Habits Signup
bit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth

If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub

What to say while they work and play

In addition to setting up opportunities for your child to build independence, it’s important for you to let them know that you see them — their efforts, their persistence, their bravery, their growth. By offering verbal feedback, you are giving positive attention to the qualities that you want to foster in your child and making it more likely these behaviors will happen again.

What we call the “P-R-I-D-E” skills are strategies that have been shown to help increase positive behaviors in young children:

- PRAISE: Praise your child’s appropriate behavior. This helps increase the specific behavior that you are addressing and contributes to a warm interaction with your child. For example, “Great job lining up those blocks!” or, “I’m proud of you for sticking with that puzzle!”
- REFLECT: Reflect appropriate speech. This helps demonstrate to your child that you are listening and understanding. For example, your child says, “I made a tower.” And then you say, “You made a tower!”
- IMITATE appropriate behavior and play. This gives positive attention (the most powerful reward) to good behavior and promotes cooperation. For instance, when your child builds a tower, you begin to stack blocks too.
- DESCRIBE your child’s appropriate behavior. This reinforces your child’s positive play and draws their attention to it. You might say, “I see you drew a rainbow!” or, “We are building a tower together.”
- Be ENTHUSIASTIC! This makes your interactions feel warmer and keeps your child interested. For example, you can use a playful voice, exaggerate your emotions when you’re talking, and smile often.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some independence-building activities for preschoolers?

A good independence-building activity for preschoolers is teaching them to follow a routine. For example, coming home from school they can learn to take off their jacket and shoes, hang up their backpack, and wash their hands. Help them until they can do it alone .What helps build independence in preschoolers? How can you praise young kids for being independent?

Photo by samer daboul on Pexels.com https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-how-to-build-independence-in-preschoolers/

By Arya Mehta

Modern feminism has been experiencing a phenomenon of increased pressure to cater to men, as a growing number of women are striving to include men's issues in their spaces and convince men to join the movement. This expectation in a space made for the advancement of women has worrying implications and is inherently unproductive.

The uptick in men citing declining mental health as an issue plaguing them has often been accompanied by a tendency to blame women for being uncaring or unwelcoming. It's not that male mental health isn't a worthy cause, but if men want to create a movement that aims to fix their specific issues, they need to start that momentum themselves. Saying women cause or contribute to the issue and should change themselves and their spaces to fix it is inaccurate and insulting.

The enemy of feminism is what forced the crisis to exist in the first place. Men don't want to admit that their issues are caused by that common enemy, so they turn their condemnation toward women, the only visible others, making every issue an unproductive man versus woman debate.

The way many men approach raising awareness is completely backwards; most have never experienced oppression based on gender. They use statistics they don't understand, like higher suicide rates, to prove they have it just as bad. But how can anyone comparatively say one is worse when women attempt suicide more and have higher rates of mental illness? If men want productive solutions to issues they face, they need to stop using them as a tool to win a debate that doesn't exist.

Most other communities take the initiative to celebrate themselves and raise awareness about their issues. Queer communities hold parades and rallies during Pride Month, while women create campaigns and donation drives during Women's History Month. Droves of men say not enough people observe Men’s Health Awareness Month without understanding that if they themselves took the initiative to communicate their issues as the default instead of a response, many would follow suit.

Women continue to try to force male involvement in feminism by showing that dismantling patriarchy would benefit men. But why do we have to prove that there's something for men to gain? Men profit, monetarily and socially, from the unpaid and unappreciated work of women. There are few reasons for them to want to partake in feminism beside empathy, which should be a good enough motivator.

Feminism fights for equity, which cannot and should not be done in an equal manner. Bridging the gap in equity by furthering the rights of an oppressed group does not involve equal efforts for both sides of an uneven system. It is not a woman's job to show unconditional compassion to someone whose pain manifests into apathy, misogyny or violence toward them.

Suicide in all forms needs to be prevented. There does need to be an effort for men to be made to feel safe expressing emotions and suicidal ideation without stigma, but it cannot be compared to fighting for basic rights. Because of this election, women will die at the hands of our system, culled like farm animals. Male mental health crises are not systemic nor rooted in historic oppression, but the mental, physical, emotional and social struggles women have faced and will continue to face are.

Before you remove yourself by calling this argument an overgeneralization that does not apply to you, remember that quite literally everything, including policy affecting women, is based on generalizations. If a general trend shows a pattern, it is the entire community's duty to consider it. The video player is currently playing an ad.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth

If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub

It is not the feminist movement's job to fight for your issues — it is yours. Women are raised to cater to their own oppressor's needs, so it is no surprise that there's a push for feminists to. It is also not the feminist movement's job to convince men they should support it. All successful movements don't ask to be listened to, they force people to hear them.  https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-column-mens-mental-health-is-not-a-problem-for-women-to-solve/

James Donaldson on Mental Health - The silent struggles of men’s mental health and suicide prevention

A person sitting and feeling depressed on bed with city view in dusk moment. Stay home, depression and loneliness concept.

Globally, the month of November is associated with campaigns to raise awareness and encourage conversation around men's health, particularly on topics such as prostate cancer, testicular cancer, mental health and suicide prevention.

In the UK, around 1 in 4 adults will experience a diagnosable mental health condition in any given year and current 2024 figures suggest that 1 in 7 rate their mental health either as bad, or the worst it has ever been. 

Although mental health conditions can affect anyone, suicide is the leading cause of death for men under the age of 50 in the UK, accounting for three-quarters of all deaths by suicide.

Men are less likely than women to access psychological therapies, making up only just over a third of referrals to the UK's National Health Service (NHS) talking therapies. Compared to women, men in the UK are also more likely to go missing and makeup almost 90% of rough sleepers. 

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Link for 40 Habits Signup
bit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth

If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub

Depression affects men in unique ways, which has significant implications for diagnosis and treatment. 

While women are more frequently diagnosed with depression, men are up to three times more likely to die by suicide in the UK alone. Disparities between depression diagnoses in men and women may be partly due to social stigma, which has been shown to reduce help-seeking behaviors among men. 

Men living in deprived areas are also substantially more likely to have depression compared to those in non-deprived areas, highlighting the impact of environmental factors. 

The most effective way we can address these issues is by making psychological services more accessible and adopting collaborative care models tailored to men's needs. Non-stigmatizing platforms of care, such as community support groups, can facilitate access to treatment by providing safe spaces for men to address mental distress."

Abhijit Nadkarni, NIHR Professor of Global Health Research, London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine (LSHTM)

Petra Gronholm, Assistant Professor at the Centre for Global Mental Health at LSHTM, said: "Men's mental health struggles often go unrecognized or undiagnosed, as they are much less likely than women to open up to those around them about how they're feeling or to seek help.

"We know that stereotypes around women's looks and behavior are extremely damaging and it's important to recognize that stereotypes also affects men. Mental health stigma and societal expectations of masculinity both attribute to why men may be more likely to suffer in silence. Traditional gender roles, toxic masculinity, and skewed expectations around how men should display emotion often lead to a fear of being judged or appearing weak. It is completely incorrect to assume that men do not struggle with their mental health as much, simply because they are often portrayed, or expected, to be 'strong'.

"As men are typically less likely to ask for help they may, in turn, be more likely to use harmful coping methods instead, such as drugs or alcohol, or use escapist behaviors, such as fixating on work or hobbies. This can then mean that early indicators are potentially suppressed for longer periods of time before help is sought. For example, men are more likely than women to be detained under the Mental Health Act in the UK; a requirement to stay in a hospital for treatment or assessment due to risk to self or others from an urgent mental health concern.

"While monthly campaigns continue to be extremely important in raising awareness and encouraging conversations around topics that are often seen as 'taboo', it's vital that conversations around physical and mental health happen year-round. If you are facing challenges with your mental health, remember that you are not alone. It may feel as though talking about it is a sign of weakness but that could not be further from the truth. 

"A good first step is to learn about mental health conditions through resources online, such as the World Health Organization's toolkit to end stigma, or to explore local services. Reaching out to a trusted friend or family member to share how you are feeling can also be an important step forward." 

A person sitting and feeling depressed on bed with city view in dusk moment. Stay home, depression and loneliness concept.

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-the-silent-struggles-of-mens-mental-health-and-suicide-prevention/

James Donaldson on Mental Health - Column: Men's mental health is not a problem for women to solve

By Arya Mehta

Modern feminism has been experiencing a phenomenon of increased pressure to cater to men, as a growing number of women are striving to include men's issues in their spaces and convince men to join the movement. This expectation in a space made for the advancement of women has worrying implications and is inherently unproductive.

The uptick in men citing declining mental health as an issue plaguing them has often been accompanied by a tendency to blame women for being uncaring or unwelcoming. It's not that male mental health isn't a worthy cause, but if men want to create a movement that aims to fix their specific issues, they need to start that momentum themselves. Saying women cause or contribute to the issue and should change themselves and their spaces to fix it is inaccurate and insulting.

The enemy of feminism is what forced the crisis to exist in the first place. Men don't want to admit that their issues are caused by that common enemy, so they turn their condemnation toward women, the only visible others, making every issue an unproductive man versus woman debate.

The way many men approach raising awareness is completely backwards; most have never experienced oppression based on gender. They use statistics they don't understand, like higher suicide rates, to prove they have it just as bad. But how can anyone comparatively say one is worse when women attempt suicide more and have higher rates of mental illness? If men want productive solutions to issues they face, they need to stop using them as a tool to win a debate that doesn't exist.

Most other communities take the initiative to celebrate themselves and raise awareness about their issues. Queer communities hold parades and rallies during Pride Month, while women create campaigns and donation drives during Women's History Month. Droves of men say not enough people observe Men’s Health Awareness Month without understanding that if they themselves took the initiative to communicate their issues as the default instead of a response, many would follow suit.

Women continue to try to force male involvement in feminism by showing that dismantling patriarchy would benefit men. But why do we have to prove that there's something for men to gain? Men profit, monetarily and socially, from the unpaid and unappreciated work of women. There are few reasons for them to want to partake in feminism beside empathy, which should be a good enough motivator.

Feminism fights for equity, which cannot and should not be done in an equal manner. Bridging the gap in equity by furthering the rights of an oppressed group does not involve equal efforts for both sides of an uneven system. It is not a woman's job to show unconditional compassion to someone whose pain manifests into apathy, misogyny or violence toward them.

Suicide in all forms needs to be prevented. There does need to be an effort for men to be made to feel safe expressing emotions and suicidal ideation without stigma, but it cannot be compared to fighting for basic rights. Because of this election, women will die at the hands of our system, culled like farm animals. Male mental health crises are not systemic nor rooted in historic oppression, but the mental, physical, emotional and social struggles women have faced and will continue to face are.

Before you remove yourself by calling this argument an overgeneralization that does not apply to you, remember that quite literally everything, including policy affecting women, is based on generalizations. If a general trend shows a pattern, it is the entire community's duty to consider it. The video player is currently playing an ad.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Link for 40 Habits Signup
bit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth

If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub

It is not the feminist movement's job to fight for your issues — it is yours. Women are raised to cater to their own oppressor's needs, so it is no surprise that there's a push for feminists to. It is also not the feminist movement's job to convince men they should support it. All successful movements don't ask to be listened to, they force people to hear them. 

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-column-mens-mental-health-is-not-a-problem-for-women-to-solve/

Tips for helping children learn better ways to express powerful emotions

Writer: Caroline Miller

Clinical Experts: Steven Dickstein, MD , Vasco Lopes, PsyD

What You'll Learn

- How can I stop my child’s tantrums?

- How are tantrums a learned behavior?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Make an assessment

- Learned behavior

- Responding to tantrums

- Modeling calm behavior

In order to help a kid who’s having a meltdown or tantrum, parents and caregivers need to understand what’s causing it. This is hard because it could be fear, anger, frustration, or something else. Try to think of a tantrum as a reaction to something upsetting. Your child isn’t responding in the way a grown-up would, like by talking or asking for what they want. Instead, they cry or yell. If you give in to tantrums, kids will learn that having a tantrum will get them what they want. Your goal is to get your child to unlearn this.  

But first you have to understand which situations set off a tantrum. When your child has a tantrum, think about what happens immediately before. A lot of kids have tantrums in the same situation over and over. This may be when it’s time to do homework or get ready for bed. When you know what triggers your child’s tantrums you can come up with a plan to avoid them. Can you build in more breaks during homework time? Or start an enjoyable bedtime routine? 

Think about what happens during and after the outburst, too. The way we respond (like by being inconsistent or giving in) can make tantrums more likely to happen again. 

When a tantrum does happen, parents should ignore it if it isn’t dangerous. When kids get attention for tantrums, they are more motivated to keep having them. Instead, give attention to your child when they do something good. Give lots of praise when they compromise, try to calm themselves down or do something difficult without a tantrum.  

Parents need to show kids how to self-soothe, too. Come up with a list of things you can do to calm down and share it with your child. Slow breathing, counting to ten and mindfulness can all help.

The first thing we have to do to manage tantrums is to understand them. That is not always as easy as it sounds, since tantrums and meltdowns are generated by a lot of different things: fear, frustration, anger, sensory overload, to name a few. And since a tantrum isn’t a very clear way to communicate (even though it may be a powerful way to get attention), parents are often in the dark about what’s driving the behavior.

It’s useful to think of a tantrum as a reaction to a situation a child can’t handle in a more grown-up way — say, by talking about how they feel, or making a case for what they want, or just doing what they have been asked to do. Instead they are overwhelmed by emotion. And if unleashing their feelings in a dramatic way — crying, yelling, kicking the floor, punching the wall, or hitting a parent — serves to get them what they want (or out of whatever they were trying to avoid), it’s a behavior that they may come to rely on.

That doesn’t mean that tantrums are consciously willful, or even voluntary. But it does mean that they’re a learned response. So the goal with a child prone to tantrums is to help them unlearn this response, and instead learn other, more mature ways to handle a problem situation, like compromising, or complying with parental expectations in exchange for some positive reward.

Make an assessment

The first step is to get a picture of what triggers your particular child’s tantrums. Mental health professionals call this a “functional assessment,” which means looking at what real-life situations seem to generate tantrums — specifically, at what happens immediately before, during, and after the outbursts that might contribute to their happening again.

Sometimes a close look at the pattern of a child’s tantrums reveals a problem that needs attention: a traumatic experience, abuse or neglect, social anxiety, ADHD, or a learning disorder. When children are prone to meltdowns beyond the age in which they are typical, it’s often a symptom of distress that they are struggling to manage. That effort breaks down at moments that require self-discipline they don’t yet have, like transitioning from something they enjoy to something that’s difficult for them.

“A majority of kids who have frequent meltdowns do it in very predictable, circumscribed situations: when it’s homework time, bedtime, time to stop playing,” explains Vasco Lopes, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “The trigger is usually being asked to do something that’s aversive to them or to stop doing something that is fun for them. Especially for children who have ADHD, something that’s not stimulating and requires them to control their physical activity, like a long car ride or a religious service or visiting an elderly relative, is a common trigger for meltdowns.”

Learned behavior

Since parents often find tantrums impossible to tolerate — especially in public — the child may learn implicitly that throwing a tantrum can help them get their way. It becomes a conditioned response. “Even if it only works five out of 10 times that they tantrum, that intermittent reinforcement makes it a very solid learned behavior,” Dr. Lopes adds. “So they’re going to continue that behavior in order to get what they want.”

One of the goals of the functional assessment is to see if some tantrum triggers might be eliminated or changed so they’re not as problematic for the child. “If putting on the child’s shoes or leaving for school is the trigger, obviously we can’t make it go away,” explains Steven Dickstein, MD, who is both a pediatrician and child and adolescent psychiatrist. But sometimes we can change the way parents and other caregivers handle a situation — to defuse it. This could translate into giving kids more warning that a task is required of them, or structuring problematic activities in ways that reduce the likelihood of a tantrum.

“Anticipating those triggers, and modifying them so that it’s easier for the child to engage in that activity is really important,” says Dr. Lopes. “For example, if homework is really difficult for a child, because they have underlying attention, organization, or learning issues, they might have outbursts right before they’re supposed to start their homework. So we say to parents, ‘How can we make doing homework more palatable for them?’ We can give them frequent breaks, support them in areas they have particular difficulty with, organize their work, and break intimidating tasks into smaller chunks.”

Another goal is to consider whether the expectations for the child’s behavior are developmentally appropriate, Dr. Dickstein notes, for their age and particular level of maturity. “Can we modify the environment to make it match the child’s abilities better, and foster development towards maturing?”

It’s important for parents and caregivers to understand two things: first of all, avoiding a tantrum before it begins does not mean “giving in” to a child’s demands. It means separating the unwanted tantrum response from other issues, such as compliance with parental requests. And second, by reducing the likelihood of a tantrum response, you are also taking away the opportunity for reinforcement of that response. When kids don’t tantrum, they learn to deal with needs, desires, and setbacks in a more mature way, and that learning itself reinforces appropriate responses. Fewer tantrums now means…fewer tantrums later.

Responding to tantrums

When tantrums occur, the parent or caregiver’s response affects the likelihood of the behavior happening again. There are lots of very specific protocols to help parents respond consistently, in ways that will minimize tantrum behavior later. They range from Ross Greene’s seminal approach, Collaborative & Proactive Solutions, to step-by-step parent-training programs like Parent-Child Interaction Therapy and Parent Management Training. They have in common the starting point that parents resist the temptation to end the tantrum by giving the child what they want when they tantrum. For outbursts that aren’t dangerous, the goal is to ignore the behavior, to withdraw all parental attention, since even negative attention like reprimanding or trying to persuade the child to stop has been found to positively reinforce the behavior.

Attention is withheld from behavior you want to discourage, and lavished instead on behaviors you want to encourage: when a child makes an effort to calm down or, instead of tantruming, complies or proposes a compromise. “By positively reinforcing compliance and appropriate responses to frustration,” says Dr. Lopes, “you’re teaching skills and — since you can’t comply with a command and tantrum at the same time — simultaneously decreasing that aggressive noncompliant tantrum behavior.”

One thing you don’t want to do is try to reason with a child who is upset. As Dr. Dickstein puts it, “Don’t talk to the kid when they’re not available.” You want to encourage a child to practice at negotiation when they’re not blowing up, and you’re not either. You may need to teach techniques for working through problems, breaking them down step by step for kids who are immature or have deficits in this kind of thinking and communication.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth

If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub

Modeling calm behavior

And you need to model the kind of negotiation you want your child to learn. “Parents should take time outs, too,” notes Dr. Dickstein. ” When you get really angry you need to just take yourself out of the situation. You can’t problem solve when you’re upset — your IQ drops about 30 percent when you are angry.”

Being calm and clear about behavioral expectations is important because it helps you communicate more effectively with a child. “So it’s not, ‘You need to behave today,’” Dr. Lopes says. “It’s, ‘You need to be seated during mealtime, with your hands to yourself, and saying only positive words.’ Those are very observable, concrete things that the child knows what’s expected and that the parent can reinforce with praise and rewards.”

Both you and your child need to build what Dr. Dickstein calls a toolkit for self-soothing, things you can do to calm down, like slow breathing, because you can’t be calm and angry at the same time. There are lots of techniques, he adds, but “The nice thing about breathing is it’s always available to you.”

Frequently Asked Questions

How can parents deal with toddler tantrums?

To deal with toddler tantrums, first try to identify the things that might trigger these tantrums and remove them from the child’s environment. During a tantrum, the goal is to ignore the behavior and withdraw all attention, so the child learns that tantrums won’t get them what they want.How can parents help a child having a meltdown?How can parents stop tantrums? https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-how-to-handle-tantrums-and-meltdowns/

James Donaldson on Mental Health - How to Handle Tantrums and Meltdowns

Tips for helping children learn better ways to express powerful emotions

Writer: Caroline Miller

Clinical Experts: Steven Dickstein, MD , Vasco Lopes, PsyD

What You'll Learn

- How can I stop my child’s tantrums?
- How are tantrums a learned behavior?
- Quick Read
- Full Article
- Make an assessment
- Learned behavior
- Responding to tantrums
- Modeling calm behavior

In order to help a kid who’s having a meltdown or tantrum, parents and caregivers need to understand what’s causing it. This is hard because it could be fear, anger, frustration, or something else. Try to think of a tantrum as a reaction to something upsetting. Your child isn’t responding in the way a grown-up would, like by talking or asking for what they want. Instead, they cry or yell. If you give in to tantrums, kids will learn that having a tantrum will get them what they want. Your goal is to get your child to unlearn this.  

But first you have to understand which situations set off a tantrum. When your child has a tantrum, think about what happens immediately before. A lot of kids have tantrums in the same situation over and over. This may be when it’s time to do homework or get ready for bed. When you know what triggers your child’s tantrums you can come up with a plan to avoid them. Can you build in more breaks during homework time? Or start an enjoyable bedtime routine? 

Think about what happens during and after the outburst, too. The way we respond (like by being inconsistent or giving in) can make tantrums more likely to happen again. 

When a tantrum does happen, parents should ignore it if it isn’t dangerous. When kids get attention for tantrums, they are more motivated to keep having them. Instead, give attention to your child when they do something good. Give lots of praise when they compromise, try to calm themselves down or do something difficult without a tantrum.  

Parents need to show kids how to self-soothe, too. Come up with a list of things you can do to calm down and share it with your child. Slow breathing, counting to ten and mindfulness can all help.

The first thing we have to do to manage tantrums is to understand them. That is not always as easy as it sounds, since tantrums and meltdowns are generated by a lot of different things: fear, frustration, anger, sensory overload, to name a few. And since a tantrum isn’t a very clear way to communicate (even though it may be a powerful way to get attention), parents are often in the dark about what’s driving the behavior.

It’s useful to think of a tantrum as a reaction to a situation a child can’t handle in a more grown-up way — say, by talking about how they feel, or making a case for what they want, or just doing what they have been asked to do. Instead they are overwhelmed by emotion. And if unleashing their feelings in a dramatic way — crying, yelling, kicking the floor, punching the wall, or hitting a parent — serves to get them what they want (or out of whatever they were trying to avoid), it’s a behavior that they may come to rely on.

That doesn’t mean that tantrums are consciously willful, or even voluntary. But it does mean that they’re a learned response. So the goal with a child prone to tantrums is to help them unlearn this response, and instead learn other, more mature ways to handle a problem situation, like compromising, or complying with parental expectations in exchange for some positive reward.

Make an assessment

The first step is to get a picture of what triggers your particular child’s tantrums. Mental health professionals call this a “functional assessment,” which means looking at what real-life situations seem to generate tantrums — specifically, at what happens immediately before, during, and after the outbursts that might contribute to their happening again.

Sometimes a close look at the pattern of a child’s tantrums reveals a problem that needs attention: a traumatic experience, abuse or neglect, social anxiety, ADHD, or a learning disorder. When children are prone to meltdowns beyond the age in which they are typical, it’s often a symptom of distress that they are struggling to manage. That effort breaks down at moments that require self-discipline they don’t yet have, like transitioning from something they enjoy to something that’s difficult for them.

“A majority of kids who have frequent meltdowns do it in very predictable, circumscribed situations: when it’s homework time, bedtime, time to stop playing,” explains Vasco Lopes, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “The trigger is usually being asked to do something that’s aversive to them or to stop doing something that is fun for them. Especially for children who have ADHD, something that’s not stimulating and requires them to control their physical activity, like a long car ride or a religious service or visiting an elderly relative, is a common trigger for meltdowns.”

Learned behavior

Since parents often find tantrums impossible to tolerate — especially in public — the child may learn implicitly that throwing a tantrum can help them get their way. It becomes a conditioned response. “Even if it only works five out of 10 times that they tantrum, that intermittent reinforcement makes it a very solid learned behavior,” Dr. Lopes adds. “So they’re going to continue that behavior in order to get what they want.”

One of the goals of the functional assessment is to see if some tantrum triggers might be eliminated or changed so they’re not as problematic for the child. “If putting on the child’s shoes or leaving for school is the trigger, obviously we can’t make it go away,” explains Steven Dickstein, MD, who is both a pediatrician and child and adolescent psychiatrist. But sometimes we can change the way parents and other caregivers handle a situation — to defuse it. This could translate into giving kids more warning that a task is required of them, or structuring problematic activities in ways that reduce the likelihood of a tantrum.

“Anticipating those triggers, and modifying them so that it’s easier for the child to engage in that activity is really important,” says Dr. Lopes. “For example, if homework is really difficult for a child, because they have underlying attention, organization, or learning issues, they might have outbursts right before they’re supposed to start their homework. So we say to parents, ‘How can we make doing homework more palatable for them?’ We can give them frequent breaks, support them in areas they have particular difficulty with, organize their work, and break intimidating tasks into smaller chunks.”

Another goal is to consider whether the expectations for the child’s behavior are developmentally appropriate, Dr. Dickstein notes, for their age and particular level of maturity. “Can we modify the environment to make it match the child’s abilities better, and foster development towards maturing?”

It’s important for parents and caregivers to understand two things: first of all, avoiding a tantrum before it begins does not mean “giving in” to a child’s demands. It means separating the unwanted tantrum response from other issues, such as compliance with parental requests. And second, by reducing the likelihood of a tantrum response, you are also taking away the opportunity for reinforcement of that response. When kids don’t tantrum, they learn to deal with needs, desires, and setbacks in a more mature way, and that learning itself reinforces appropriate responses. Fewer tantrums now means…fewer tantrums later.

Responding to tantrums

When tantrums occur, the parent or caregiver’s response affects the likelihood of the behavior happening again. There are lots of very specific protocols to help parents respond consistently, in ways that will minimize tantrum behavior later. They range from Ross Greene’s seminal approach, Collaborative & Proactive Solutions, to step-by-step parent-training programs like Parent-Child Interaction Therapy and Parent Management Training. They have in common the starting point that parents resist the temptation to end the tantrum by giving the child what they want when they tantrum. For outbursts that aren’t dangerous, the goal is to ignore the behavior, to withdraw all parental attention, since even negative attention like reprimanding or trying to persuade the child to stop has been found to positively reinforce the behavior.

Attention is withheld from behavior you want to discourage, and lavished instead on behaviors you want to encourage: when a child makes an effort to calm down or, instead of tantruming, complies or proposes a compromise. “By positively reinforcing compliance and appropriate responses to frustration,” says Dr. Lopes, “you’re teaching skills and — since you can’t comply with a command and tantrum at the same time — simultaneously decreasing that aggressive noncompliant tantrum behavior.”

One thing you don’t want to do is try to reason with a child who is upset. As Dr. Dickstein puts it, “Don’t talk to the kid when they’re not available.” You want to encourage a child to practice at negotiation when they’re not blowing up, and you’re not either. You may need to teach techniques for working through problems, breaking them down step by step for kids who are immature or have deficits in this kind of thinking and communication.

#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation
website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Link for 40 Habits Signup
bit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth

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Modeling calm behavior

And you need to model the kind of negotiation you want your child to learn. “Parents should take time outs, too,” notes Dr. Dickstein. ” When you get really angry you need to just take yourself out of the situation. You can’t problem solve when you’re upset — your IQ drops about 30 percent when you are angry.”

Being calm and clear about behavioral expectations is important because it helps you communicate more effectively with a child. “So it’s not, ‘You need to behave today,’” Dr. Lopes says. “It’s, ‘You need to be seated during mealtime, with your hands to yourself, and saying only positive words.’ Those are very observable, concrete things that the child knows what’s expected and that the parent can reinforce with praise and rewards.”

Both you and your child need to build what Dr. Dickstein calls a toolkit for self-soothing, things you can do to calm down, like slow breathing, because you can’t be calm and angry at the same time. There are lots of techniques, he adds, but “The nice thing about breathing is it’s always available to you.”

Frequently Asked Questions

How can parents deal with toddler tantrums?

To deal with toddler tantrums, first try to identify the things that might trigger these tantrums and remove them from the child’s environment. During a tantrum, the goal is to ignore the behavior and withdraw all attention, so the child learns that tantrums won’t get them what they want.How can parents help a child having a meltdown?How can parents stop tantrums?

https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-how-to-handle-tantrums-and-meltdowns/

By Arya Mehta

Modern feminism has been experiencing a phenomenon of increased pressure to cater to men, as a growing number of women are striving to include men's issues in their spaces and convince men to join the movement. This expectation in a space made for the advancement of women has worrying implications and is inherently unproductive.

The uptick in men citing declining mental health as an issue plaguing them has often been accompanied by a tendency to blame women for being uncaring or unwelcoming. It's not that male mental health isn't a worthy cause, but if men want to create a movement that aims to fix their specific issues, they need to start that momentum themselves. Saying women cause or contribute to the issue and should change themselves and their spaces to fix it is inaccurate and insulting.

The enemy of feminism is what forced the crisis to exist in the first place. Men don't want to admit that their issues are caused by that common enemy, so they turn their condemnation toward women, the only visible others, making every issue an unproductive man versus woman debate.

The way many men approach raising awareness is completely backwards; most have never experienced oppression based on gender. They use statistics they don't understand, like higher suicide rates, to prove they have it just as bad. But how can anyone comparatively say one is worse when women attempt suicide more and have higher rates of mental illness? If men want productive solutions to issues they face, they need to stop using them as a tool to win a debate that doesn't exist.

Most other communities take the initiative to celebrate themselves and raise awareness about their issues. Queer communities hold parades and rallies during Pride Month, while women create campaigns and donation drives during Women's History Month. Droves of men say not enough people observe Men’s Health Awareness Month without understanding that if they themselves took the initiative to communicate their issues as the default instead of a response, many would follow suit.

Women continue to try to force male involvement in feminism by showing that dismantling patriarchy would benefit men. But why do we have to prove that there's something for men to gain? Men profit, monetarily and socially, from the unpaid and unappreciated work of women. There are few reasons for them to want to partake in feminism beside empathy, which should be a good enough motivator.

Feminism fights for equity, which cannot and should not be done in an equal manner. Bridging the gap in equity by furthering the rights of an oppressed group does not involve equal efforts for both sides of an uneven system. It is not a woman's job to show unconditional compassion to someone whose pain manifests into apathy, misogyny or violence toward them.

Suicide in all forms needs to be prevented. There does need to be an effort for men to be made to feel safe expressing emotions and suicidal ideation without stigma, but it cannot be compared to fighting for basic rights. Because of this election, women will die at the hands of our system, culled like farm animals. Male mental health crises are not systemic nor rooted in historic oppression, but the mental, physical, emotional and social struggles women have faced and will continue to face are.

Before you remove yourself by calling this argument an overgeneralization that does not apply to you, remember that quite literally everything, including policy affecting women, is based on generalizations. If a general trend shows a pattern, it is the entire community's duty to consider it. The video player is currently playing an ad.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth

If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub

It is not the feminist movement's job to fight for your issues — it is yours. Women are raised to cater to their own oppressor's needs, so it is no surprise that there's a push for feminists to. It is also not the feminist movement's job to convince men they should support it. All successful movements don't ask to be listened to, they force people to hear them.  https://standingabovethecrowd.com/?p=13311

Tips for helping your kids be at their best and have fun, too

Writer: Rachel Ehmke

Clinical Experts: Rachel Busman, PsyD, ABPP , Steven Dickstein, MD

What You'll Learn

- What can you do to prepare your child for a holiday gathering?

- How can you manage relatives’ expectations?

- How can you help picky eaters at family gatherings?

- Quick Read

- Full Article

- Minimize conflict over behavior

- Talk to your hosts early

- Plan ahead for some peace and quiet

- Keep kids occupied

- Discuss social expectations

- Think about the menu

- Manage your expectations

Holidays are supposed to be happy family events, but a lot of times they can be very stressful. Here are some things parents can do to help the holidays go more smoothly.

A lot of behavior problems can be avoided by telling your kids exactly what you expect of them at an aunt or grandparent’s house. It’s good to be as specific as possible. It’s just as important to let your relatives and friends know what to expect of your child. And it’s good to let them know that it’s not up to them to criticize or fix your kid.

If your child is easily over-stimulated by noise and people, it’s a good idea to find a place where they can go to just chill out and take a break. For kids with lots of extra energy, giving them plenty of activities to do in the car and taking breaks to let them run around can help.

Kids who don’t like to be touched or hugged or don’t like to talk around people they don’t know shouldn’t be made to do so. And relatives hosting gatherings should be told what a child’s limits are and not demand more.

If you have a child who’s a picky eater, you might want to bring some food they really like, especially if the holiday is centered around a meal. You can still encourage them to try something new, but that way you’ll know they won’t go hungry.

All parents would love it if their kids became best friends with cousins they see on holidays. But that doesn’t happen just because kids are the same age. Parents can show kids that even if they don’t really like a relative, they still need to be polite.

Know that no holiday is going to be perfect. If you and your child can come away with one or two good memories, you’ve done a good job.

#James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy

www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com

Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth

If you'd like to follow and receive my daily blog in to your inbox, just click on it with Follow It. Here's the link https://follow.it/james-donaldson-s-standing-above-the-crowd-s-blog-a-view-from-above-on-things-that-make-the-world-go-round?action=followPub

We know from the songs and movies that holidays are supposed to be an exciting, meaningful time for families to reunite and celebrate the things we cherish. We set aside time to practice both religious rituals and family traditions, we give thanks, and, of course, later on, we give presents. But sometimes holiday gatherings are less magical and more, well, stressful.

The vacation from school and work means a break from routine, something kids and parents alike depend on. Many families travel, facing traffic and long airplane rides, to attend one or more family get-togethers with rarely seen relatives who expect kisses and catching up. And most of these occasions will involve unfamiliar vegetable dishes.

How can anxious or easily frustrated children hope to survive all that? We’ve compiled a list of seasonal tips to help all kids — and parents — enjoy the party.

Minimize conflict over behavior

Your kids know the rules at your house, but in the excitement and novelty of a relative’s home, good behavior can be a casualty. Always have a conversation before leaving your house about how you expect your children to behave, and don’t shy away from specifics.

“Knowing what the rules are at someone else’s house is always helpful for kids,” says Steven Dickstein, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist. “They know that you behave differently in church or synagogue than you do on the basketball court; they need to know what the rules are at grandma’s house.” If you have any questions about the house rules, don’t be afraid to ask.

Talk to your hosts early

Besides preparing your children, sometimes it’s necessary to prepare your relatives so they know what to expect. “A child who has behavior difficulties at school is going to have them at grandma’s house,” warns Dr. Dickstein, “so make sure their expectations are realistic. As a parent you never want to put your children in a situation where they’re set up to fail.”

Dr. Dickstein also recommends putting a moratorium on criticizing. “Warn family members about sensitive topics in the same way you’d warn people in advance that your child has a nut allergy,” advises Dr. Dickstein. If you have a body-conscious teen, no one should chide them for taking seconds on mashed potatoes. If your brother doesn’t believe ADHD is real, now isn’t the time to discuss it.

Plan ahead for some peace and quiet

For kids who are easily overstimulated or sensitive to things like noise and crowds, Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, recommends arranging for another room they can use when they need a break. “During family gatherings we want to achieve a balance between being social with relatives while also knowing that, if things get too overwhelming and intense, there’s a place to take a break and just be quiet.”

Keep kids occupied

Kids like structured activities, and they’ll probably be missing them while school is out. Fortunately the holidays lend themselves to art projects and family-friendly movies that kids enjoy. You can even start new family traditions like cutting out and decorating sugar cookies or throwing a ball around outside.

If you are traveling with a child who will need to sit in a car for any length of time, Dr. Busman advises packing a bag with multiple activities, particularly if the child has a lot of energy. “Don’t just think four or five activities will be enough because you could be through those things before you even get on the highway,” she says.

When traveling Dr. Busman also recommends planning for breaks, even if it’s not that long of a trip. “Kids who get restless or have difficulty managing their impulsive behavior might really benefit from getting out of the car and running around for a few minutes.”

Discuss social expectations

Parents should have different social expectations for different kids, and if necessary, communicate them to your extended family. “You want to avoid those mandatory hugs and kisses or cheek-pinching for kids that don’t do that or like it,” says Dr. Dickstein.

Kids with selective mutism should not be pressured to talk during family gatherings (and relatives shouldn’t expect them to talk either). If you have an autistic child who has been working on their social skills, maybe you can agree that they will sit at the table next to you and talk to familiar people — others should be expected to understand.

Getting along with cousins and other kids they don’t see often can be a challenge. Just because kids are approximately the same age doesn’t mean they’ll be natural friends, but they should still try to get along — with adult support if needed. If your daughter gets easily frustrated when she doesn’t get her way, encourage her to share and be polite with her cousins — and let her know she should find you if conflict arises that they can’t settle amicably.

Dr. Dickstein says family gatherings can be a teachable moment. “Let kids know that family is important and sometimes you have to deal with people you don’t really like, but you should work it out if you can. As parents you are probably doing that with your relatives too, so you can model good social behavior.”

Think about the menu

Family gatherings centered on a meal can put a lot of pressure on kids who are picky eaters or who have sensory issues that limit their diet. If you are going to someone else’s house for dinner and you know the menu will be a problem, Dr. Busman suggests packing something your child will eat and bringing it with you.

Have a conversation with your child ahead of time to reassure them, explaining, “I know we’re going over to your aunt’s house and there’s going to be some different foods there, but we’ll make sure that we bring some things that you like. It would be great if you could try something else, too.” Exploring new foods is good for kids, but it shouldn’t be the most important thing.

Manage your expectations

Both Dr. Busman and Dr. Dickstein agree that managing your own expectations of what the holidays “should” be like is the most essential step to any holiday gathering. “As parents we should check in with ourselves over what our own expectations are and not extend them to our kids,” says Dr. Busman. “It would be great if the kids could sit at the table and eat a nice holiday meal with us, but they’re probably not going to want to sit still for a long time. It’s important to appreciate that kids might find the fun in other things, like watching a movie with their cousins or running around outside. And that’s OK.”

Dr. Dickstein advises identifying one or two things you would like your kids to get out of the holidays — an idea, a value, a memory of doing something special together as a family — and work on achieving that. “But above all, give yourself a break,” he says. “You can’t make everyone happy, and perfect holidays are nonexistent. Think of all those Hollywood comedies about disastrous family gatherings. There’s a reason why they’re funny.”

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I manage holiday hardships?

You can manage holiday behavior challenges by communicating expectations to your child before leaving the house. For example, you can tell them explicitly that running inside isn’t allowed at their grandparents’ house. Also, you can try to keep them occupied, schedule some quiet time during the gathering so they aren’t over-stimulated, and talk to the hosts ahead of time so that expectations are realistic. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-how-to-take-the-stress-out-of-family-gatherings/