What to do to ease their anxiety without dismissing it

Writer: Adam S. Zamora, PsyD , David Friedlander, PsyD

Clinical Experts: Adam S. Zamora, PsyD , David Friedlander, PsyD

Key Takeaways

- Start by validating your child’s feelings and reflect back what you hear them say.

- Ask questions instead of telling them what you think. Your goal is to help them own the solution, not to solve the problem for them.

- Help them anticipate obstacles and help brainstorm potential solutions. Affirm their strengths without downplaying their worries.

- Start with validation

- After you’ve validated, look for clues that your child is ready to problem-solve

If you remember being scared to leave home for the first time, share your story. But even if you have not personally experienced this situation, emphasize that your child is not alone. Many people find this transition hard!

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Start with validation

When they share their anxieties with you:

- Pay attention! Put down your phone, make eye contact, and show you are interested.

- Reflect back what you hear. This shows you are listening and want to understand. Avoid a judgmental tone.

- For example, “I hear you saying you’re worried that you’re not going to know anyone in any of your classes, so you’ll feel isolated.”

- Look for what they’re NOT saying. Check their facial expression, tone of voice, and body language. Is there something they’re afraid to say? Say what you think they may be leaving unsaid.

- For example, “I’m wondering if you’re also worried that you’ll miss your friends and family?”

- Put it in context. Why does it make sense that your child is feeling what they’re feeling? What parts of their anxieties are reasonable based on the circumstances?

- For example, “I think it makes sense that you feel this way! You’ve known your friends since elementary school, and you’ve never gone that long without them. You also haven’t had to make new friends since new people joined in 9th grade, so you’re out of practice. I would be anxious too!”

- IMPORTANT: When validating, don’t argue the other side yet! Your child may “dig in their heels” or “double down.”

After you’ve validated, look for clues that your child is ready to problem-solve

- They may literally ask, “What should I do?” or say, “Help!”

- But it may be more subtle than that. It might be a shift in their mood or body language.

Then, help them build motivation for problem-solving!

Ask questions instead of telling them what you think.

- For example, “I understand why you’re worried about this. I’m also confident that once you find yourself in those situations, you’ll handle them better than you expect. It’s always scarier before it actually happens.”

- If you try to help with problem-solving and your child goes back to expressing their worries, switch back to validation.

- Lastly, don’t be afraid to remind them that you’ll always be available to support them. They may just need to hear it. https://standingabovethecrowd.com/james-donaldson-on-mental-health-how-do-you-support-a-teen-who-is-nervous-about-leaving-home/