Charlotte Maya’s two sons were 6 and 8 when her husband and the boys’ father died. She says, ‘#Grief doesn’t ever end.’
Medically Reviewed by Allison Young, MD of American College of Lifestyle Medicine
Charlotte Maya, now 54, says taking more time for #self-care and seeing a #therapist helped her cope with her #griefIt has been more than a decade since Charlotte Maya’s husband, Sam, died by #suicide in 2007. She was out on a hike with her two young sons when it happened.
Yet, Maya says: “#Grief doesn’t ever end.”
Her son Jason is graduating college this year. “We are sad all over again because Sam is not here to see Jason graduate,” says Maya, 54, a former trusts and estates attorney who lives in Los Angeles.
Holly G. Prigerson, PhD, professor of sociology in medicine and co-director of the Cornell Center for Research on End-of-Life Care at Weill Cornell Medicine in New York City, says, “This is totally normal — whatever that means.”
Why #Suicide Loss Is Like No Other
“There are triggers and #suicide survivors will need to negotiate how to feel okay — including being extremely upset — when reminded of the loss,” she says. A #suicide loss is like no other loss.
“#Suicide bereavement may involve conflicting feelings of shame, relief, and guilt over things done or not done, especially if the mourner was the last person the deceased had spoken to,” says Prigerson, who has spent over three decades studying how to diagnose and ease #grief, especially during end-of-life care.
She says there is a certain stigma of a #suicide death that makes it hard for survivors to feel they are not being accused of negligence, or worse.
Maya says she was “sad, mad, and confused” all at once. “I was afraid I would be ostracized in the community because of how Sam died,” she says.
She also felt anger and guilt over Sam’s #suicide.
“It was easier to forgive Sam than to forgive myself. There was constant revisiting of what I said and what I could have done,” she says.
It is estimated that there is about one #suicide death every 11 minutes. In 2021 there were 48,183 deaths by #suicide in the #UnitedStates, according to the #CentersforDiseaseControlandPrevention.
Every one of these deaths can affect approximately 135 people in the same social network who may be grieving, too, research has indicated.
Those closest to the person that died, like Maya, can find it hardest to navigate their shock and despair.
‘I Fell Apart’
When Sam died Maya tried lots of things to heal herself while others tried to help her, too.
Her #parents moved in with her for the first few weeks after Sam’s death so her mother could mother her.
“I fell apart anyway,” says Maya.
“Sam’s death was like nothing I had ever experienced. It was like a full body slam against the wall. I couldn’t breathe, eat, or sleep,” she says.
She had to take a leave of absence from her work as a trust and estates attorney.
Maya’s #doctor prescribed a mild sedative, which finally let her sleep. She even used some of the medication before delivering Sam’s eulogy.
She lost 25 pounds in the first three months after Sam’s death and doesn’t remember if she even brushed her hair.
Sometimes, Maya would lock herself in her car so her #parents and sons, then 6 and 8 years old, couldn’t hear her screams of anguish.
She took up running. “It was a really effective way to pound out the rage because the person you love and are grieving is also the person you’re most angry at.“
She and her sons also began therapy.
A Mother’s Role in Helping Her Kids Cope With #Grief While Struggling With Her Own
Jill Harkavy-Friedman, PhD, a clinical #psychologist and senior vice president of research at the #AmericanFoundationforSuicidePrevention (#AFSP), explains: “Generally, with any kind of loss, and particularly with #suicide, you don’t have to wait to get help. Get help from the start.”
#Suicide loss survivors can also join support groups run by other survivors who are trained to have healing conversations, adds Dr. Harkavy-Friedman, who has spent 35 years in #suicide research and prevention and counseling.
And when it comes to helping #kids cope, honesty is important, Harkevy-Friedman says. “#Kids know when something is not okay.”
Maya tried to be transparent in front of her #children and wanted to give her #children a sense of normalcy as much as possible while realizing that nothing was normal, she says.
Maya’s younger son wanted to “talk about daddy all the time,” while her older son at first refused to say Sam was dead. So she ended up tending to her boys’ #grief separately.
Every member of the family will deal with the loss and #suicide differently and they should be treated differently to match their grieving, Harkevy-Friedman adds.
She also worried that her son’s would be scarred forever from their father’s #suicide because #children who lose a #parent by #suicide are at risk of #mentalhealthproblems, research shows.
“This may be both nature and nurture, genetics and environment,” Prigerson says. “As simplistic as this sounds, I truly believe that the best approach is unconditional love and caring.“
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Learning Acceptance: ‘We Don’t Keep the Skeletons in the Closets’
Therapy helped Maya cope with her #grief. Ultimately, she accepted that her husband loved her. “It became much easier to understand his death as stemming from #depression and illness,” she says.
Maya also started devoting Tuesdays to #self-care because that was the day she had her favorite yoga class and the day her #therapist had a recurring time slot. On Tuesdays she might also go grocery shopping, or eat sushi out. She devoted Tuesdays to taking care of her, she says. If she needed to crawl back into bed and cry, that’s what she did.
She also began meditating. “ was and is key to my #mentalhealth and equanimity,” says Maya.
Slowly, Maya began making progress in grieving her husband’s death. Although she no longer needed a sedative to help her sleep, she says: “For a long time I carried it in my purse as security.”
Harkevy-Friedman says: “You don’t get over a death by #suicide. You heal from it. You don’t forget the person. You heal over time and the focus can shift from the way a person died to getting back to remembering who the person was that died.”
In 2014, Maya began blogging about her husband’s death because she wanted to talk about #suicide in a safe space.
In February 2023, Maya published her book, Sushi Tuesdays: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Family Resilience.
Maya says she hopes the vulnerability she shares in the book will inspire others to have more conversations about #suicide because it is a national health crisis and not just isolated individuals struggling.
“We used to say the ‘C word’ instead of cancer, and it feels like we say the ‘S word’ and don’t want to talk about it,” Maya says. “I think normalizing the conversation encourages people struggling to ask for help and it helps those of us who lost someone to #suicide honor our beloved’s whole life and not reduce them to how they died. Every time we have these conversations in a holistic and meaningful way, we do save lives.”
In 2010, Maya married again to Tim Stratz, who is also widowed and has two #children. They live in Los Angeles.
“We joke in our house that we don’t keep the skeletons in the closets,” Maya says. “We put their pictures on the piano, on the walls and on the mantle because Sam and Debbie (Stratz’s first wife who died from cancer) are always in our hearts and are how we got here.”
If you or someone you know is feeling hopeless or suicidal, you can call 988 to reach the #NationalSuicidePreventionLifeline, or text "HOME" to the #CrisisTextLine at 741741. If you have lost someone from #suicide the AFSP offers resources that can help.
https://standingabovethecrowd.com/2023/06/jamesdonaldson-on-mentalhealth-talking-grief-you-dont-get-over-a-death-by-suicide/
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